Recently opened relationship

[ChubbyB00yExhib]

English is not my first language, so excuse any mistake I make

Recently my partner of 9 years and I opened our relationship, even though I said yes, I don't really know how I'm feeling about it. For context, my husband is 27, when we started dating he was really skinny and such an introvert, then the last 6 yeas he became a fitness enthusiast, goes to the gym every day of the week, follows strict diets, posts his gym progress on every social media. And I'm 30yo, I've always been a fat dude, and when we started dating he was all over my body, he really loved the fact I was fat and proud of my body, so I never changed that about my physical appearance.

Last year whenever we had sex he would start talking about having a threesome, he talked about enjoying watching other guys fucking me in front of him, I've always been monogamous and my first thought was so silly, I thought to myself "other guy having sex with me, what will my partner think about... oh yeah, he gave the idea". I didn't feel ready at the moment, so I politely refused the idea at the moment, he said it was okay, but sometimes he would still hint that he really wanted a threesome. He even showed the guy's profile that he was already talking about fitness and working out and things started to escalate to a sexual talk. I felt weird, those things were being talked about, a threesome with me and I wasn't a part of the conversation, at least to know the guy before he fucked me? Anyways, this year my husband was talking to me again about the idea and he said "oh just meet him, let's have him for lunch" and I was fine with ir, so we had a lunch date at our place, and I thought it was a day just for us to know each other, but it turns out he already said we're having a threesome that day. I felt extremely akward, but I went with it. I didn't want to say no to my partner, the other dude was polite, so we did it. During the sex it all became a big muscle worship session, me and the other dude worshiping my boyfriend's muscles, it was all really centered on him, but I just went with the flow.
After that threesome, we talked, I said I felt weird having sex with someone I've met 30 minutes before, and he told me to relax, the dude liked the experience, he even said that the third thought I was cute. We went on other dates with the third guy, proper dinner dates, no sex, I'm starting to like the dude, not necessarily in a romantic or sexual way but truly building a friendship.
Remember that I said my partner is a major fitness dude, he loves to show off his muscles and everything, so... because of that A LOT of other guys are always hitting up on my boyfriend, always, extremely sexual, even though I'm right there, sometimes he posts a picture with me and still, it gets to a level where my boyfriend said sometimes the dudes don't know when to stop with those comments. So I asked him: do you flirt with someone else besides the guy we had a threesome? He said no, that he would tell me if he was, we were starting to open ou relationship so he would respect my boundaries as well. I felt weird, but I said okay, I didn't wanna tell him that I was walking behind him on his computer and saw texts from his nutritionist praising him and flirting with him. I let that go.
Today, the day I'm posting this, we had sex. He came to me, started to cuddle and then we had sex, and after we did it, we were having a pillow talk, and he said: " Can I ask you something? So I was talking to my nutritionist and things got really flirty between us, he invited me to his house next Thursday, are you okay with it?" I froze, in my mind I kept saying "why didn't you told me that before?" But all I said was "no problem, you can go". I kept blaming myself for not meeting his recent visual and body type standards and I kept thinking maybe he goes to these fitness dudes because I'm not like that. I kept blaming myself for not being honest with how I felt because I was afraid to lose him if I said no, I kept thinking he is really out of my league of course he would chase someone like him. Because of his diets I started a diet too, sometimes I skip meals, I don't like to eat in front of him anymore, I'm trying my best to lose weight so maybe I can compete with those guys but I know I'll never be like them, I'll never be like him.
Am I too crazy? Am I too paranoid? Is this how it feels to open an relationship?
I need advice or comforting words 'cus I'm really really freaking out.

 

[Ernestoteles]

Am I too crazy? Am I too paranoid?

Not at all.

Is this how it feels to open a relationship?

Yes, you agreed to something that you neither wanted nor understood. Now you find yourself on an emotional rollercoaster. Like so many others who have done the same.

my partner of 9 years

Men need sexual variety. Your boyfriend has held back for nine years, which is quite an achievement!

If he had devoted half as much attention to your feelings as he did to his muscle growth, you could probably have avoided the current irritations. But people are just the way they are.

Now he has finally reached his maximum sexual market value and wants to reap the sexual rewards of his sweaty efforts. And not go stale at home.

This is where you come in:

The Enneagram is popular pseudoscience, but if you recognise traits of yourself in the types discussed, it could help you gain self-awareness:

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Are You Codependent? Here Are the Key Signs of Codependency

Open relationship advice: r/nonmonogamy r/EthicalNonMonogamy

 

[ChubbyB00yExhib]

Not at all.



Yes, you agreed to something that you neither wanted nor understood. Now you find yourself on an emotional rollercoaster. Like so many others who have done the same.



Men need sexual variety. Your boyfriend has held back for nine years, which is quite an achievement!

If he had devoted half as much attention to your feelings as he did to his muscle growth, you could probably have avoided the current irritations. But people are just the way they are.

Now he has finally reached his maximum sexual market value and wants to reap the sexual rewards of his sweaty efforts. And not go stale at home.

This is where you come in:

The Enneagram is popular pseudoscience, but if you recognise traits of yourself in the types discussed, it could help you gain self-awareness:

To view this content we will need your consent to set third party cookies.
For more detailed information, see our cookies page.

Accept third party cookies

To view this content we will need your consent to set third party cookies.
For more detailed information, see our cookies page.

Accept third party cookies

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For more detailed information, see our cookies page.

Accept third party cookies

Are You Codependent? Here Are the Key Signs of Codependency

Open relationship advice: r/nonmonogamy r/EthicalNonMonogamy

Wow, thanks for answering my post. I'll look at the material you sent me with care and I'll see what I can do with it.

 

[Razzz]

I think you still have the right to say you changed your mind and that you would prefer he doesnt go.
Tell him how you feel and try to understand how he feels. I dont think it makes any sense you both are in open relationship so he only enjoys... It is also okay to try things and then decide it is not for you.
Of course he may think of quitting the relationship and enjoy a new life full of fit guys, but that would mean his love got weak lately. In any case, that should also be something to talk about with honesty...
I have also thought sometimes of proposing a threesome to my boyfriend (10y together), but then I am hesitant because I know I have been jealouse and suspicious in the past, I am scared to make a mess in the relationship.
Oh gosh everything is so difficult

 

[elklindoxxx]

Am I too crazy? Am I too paranoid? Is this how it feels to open an relationship?
I need advice or comforting words 'cus I'm really really freaking out.

No....this is not how my partner and I started going with other couples.

We first openly discussed the idea for awhile. Then we went to a sex therapist for guidance. The therapist suggested that we attend a couples event to see if the lifestyle was for us. As a matter of fact, we went a few times and discussed with other couples and we never had sex with them. It wasn't until the 3rd event that we engaged sexually with other couples. It took some time to adjust to having sex with another person who wasn't my partner. And to see my partner having sex with someone else

I couldn't imagine that we would have been able to go with other couples before going to a therapist for guidance on how to navigate the transition.

 

[ScotGirlJ]

I want to hug you.

First things first, you must tell him how you feel. You won't know if he cares about your emotional well-being if you don't tell him how you really feel.
Instead of telling you and asking you he also could have cheated and then never told you if he didn't care about you on some level, or didn't want you to experience this with him also. So he may not come from a bad place. Although, there have been many men who sometimes want to come off as a good guy still with outsiders when they mess up through selfishness, and therefore they will come up with some manipulative plans.

However, you doing something you don't want to do, or letting him do things, will change the whole context of your relationship. At that point, you lose what you're trying to save anyway. You may become resentful and more anxious after knowing he's been sexually active with others, and you won't have a leg to stand on as you agreed to it all. So never just say yes for his sake. If you have to say anything, then say "Can I get time to think about it?" That gives you time to sit on it and reply when you are calmer and your thinking is clearer. He may guess that something is off with you. He may sense the hesitation inside you. He also may still act on his own urges as the opportunity to try other men has opened up and you have now given him a free pass openly. If he is now having separate sexual experiences then it really will damage your psyche and therefore the relationship. Not knowing how it went through your own memory allows your imagination to take over and create mayhem. You also must ask yourself why you didn't feel safe enough to tell him how you truly feel. Did you suspect he may just be looking for a way out but still wanting to look like the good guy? Or does he really care and RESPECT you?


In a perfect world, what should happen is that he should put your emotional well-being before his personal sexual pleasure. You would then tell him confidently that you are not feeling so great right now and are a little insecure, which is nothing to be ashamed about as it's a natural human emotion. So would he mind pausing this lifestyle for the moment until you work out these issues and see a therapist separately and together? A partner becoming more attractive is usually not a problem as long as that person still makes their partner feel like they are a priority and the one they choose to be with and not who they got left with. If he has suddenly become more attractive and is therefore excited to use his physical appearance to try out other people sexually, then it can make you feel like he just settled for you at the time when he wasn't feeling his best and wasn't as attractive. Only you can ask yourself where all these emotions come from, and if there is a feeling that your partner was settling for you at the time and therefore used you. Actions speak louder than words remember. This is something you can't just endure because of your love for him, as you need to be taken care of as well. You must know what your expectations are and your boundaries, and he must do the same. Somewhere in between both of your expectations and boundaries you will find a compromise that hopefully suits you both. My tip is that if you find it difficult to say how you truly feel face-to-face, then write it out. It gives you space to say everything that you truly feel without the fear of seeing their reaction, and it also gives him time to read it and possibly calm down before he responds. Always ask calmly for more time before deciding on important decisions you are unsure about. No relationship is truly successful or lasts happily ever after without some good communication and some willing listeners.

We must seek more respect for ourselves. Never settle for crumbs. You won't be happy just pandering to his needs anyway, as now the relationship you once had, and still strive to want, will be gone. So if he must have a relationship a certain way, that is also hurting you, then it's time to let him go, and start working on yourself. Get your support network around you, and a great therapist. Then work on that revenge body!

I hope it all works out for you though.

 

[Someonewhoisnoone]

Men need sexual variety. Your boyfriend has held back for nine years, which is quite an achievement!

If he had devoted half as much attention to your feelings as he did to his muscle growth, you could probably have avoided the current irritations. But people are just the way they are.

Now he has finally reached his maximum sexual market value and wants to reap the sexual rewards of his sweaty efforts. And not go stale at home.

This is where you come in:

The Enneagram is popular pseudoscience, but if you recognise traits of yourself in the types discussed, it could help you gain self-awareness:

To view this content we will need your consent to set third party cookies.
For more detailed information, see our cookies page.

Accept third party cookies

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Accept third party cookies

Are You Codependent? Here Are the Key Signs of Codependency

Open relationship advice: r/nonmonogamy r/EthicalNonMonogamy

mh-mm mhm, yummers!

Gender essentialism, bioessentialism AND pseudo-incel ideology. With showings like these who would say something is culturally amiss with men today, no not with these sorts of shepherds leading poor lost confused souls back to their "true" selves. Thank fuck for them!

Am I too crazy? Am I too paranoid? Is this how it feels to open an relationship?
I need advice or comforting words 'cus I'm really really freaking out.

If you continue violating your own boundaries by hiding your discomfort and avoiding sharing your true feelings, you are sabotaging your relationship. That is not fair to you or your partner.
It is natural at this point to be stuck in thoughts like why is my partner doing this or is this fair to me. These thoughts only arise in situations with low communication. Left unaddressed, they can turn into resentment, which is often the point where repairing the relationship becomes extremely difficult. Many people avoid conflict because the idea of their partner not meeting expectations is terrifying. We want our partners to behave a certain way, and when they do not, they start to feel like strangers.

Having honest conversations and reaffirming your boundaries might be uncomfortable. Your partner might react poorly or disagree with you. You might discover things about them or the relationship that you do not like and realize you are incompatible in some areas. That does not automatically mean love is not present. True love shows itself in the willingness of both partners to work together to address incompatibilities and grow a more compatible partnership.

The only way to know if the love is genuine and the relationship is workable is to be vulnerable and have these difficult conversations. Avoiding them only prolongs uncertainty and undermines your own needs.

Whatever form your relationship takes is fine. It does not matter if it is monogamous, open, or polyamorous. What matters is that it is intentional. You should not agree to or participate in a relationship structure simply to please your partner or avoid conflict. You have the right to express your boundaries and make choices based on your own needs and values. Intentionality and honest communication are the foundation of any healthy relationship.

 

[chrisrobin]

Does he want a lover or just a guy to split the rent with?