searching for answers/meanings

Hey all! I was wondering if I could get some help/advice on something. To start off, I was sexually abused by my grandfather from approx. ages 5-13. This (obviously) has had a large, negative impact in my life. Some of the biggest (and yet not biggest) issues center/ed around my body and my image of myself. For one he would belittle and ridicule me about the size of my penis to others especially when I was in his presence(which thanks to this site, I have come to realize that I am a bit above average) and the shape of my body. Thanks to him (and others while growing up), I have felt like my body was deformed (another issue is/was that when puberty hit, I developed rather large breasts, to my dismay are still a part of me), and the subsequent years (especially jr. high and sr. high school) were filled with both self-induced torture and my peers at the time.
First off, as it states on my profile that I am approx 70% straight and 30% gay. My sexuality has always been a deep source of great strife in my life, and I have spend a lot of time in life trying to figure out who I am, as a complete person. My questions of sexuality stem (of course) from the sexual abuse, and the subsequent isolation of myself from others of my gender throughout my adolescent years and into my early adult life (the present). I feel that (mentally) my sexual growth was stunted as a result of the years of abuse. I often find myself as an outsider to my on gender, and often find it difficult to relate to other men on many subjects. The confusion is based on the lack of a meaningful relationship (friendship or whatever), with other males. What I have pondered upon often is if my sexual curiosity about the same sex is actually sexual, or is it an inner longing for a deeper relationship with another man/men. I, through many years of soul searching have come to the determination that it is the latter of the two. I really would like to have a male friend that I could go to for advice, support, questions, about anything from sex to sports.
Sex… I have had sex once in my life (aged 23) with a woman. It turned out to be a disastrous experience for me mentally. It brought out feelings and emotions that I had (and didn’t know existed) from deep down inside of me. Now don’t get me wrong, I did finish the job and there was physical pleasure, but the subsequent barrage of feelings and emotions left me in a state of great anxiety, panic, and an over all deep dark depression that lasted for a little over a year. I was with a very dominating woman, who had total control over the situation, and was very aggressive. Another thing, had this experience not of been my first, I know that it would have been a huge turn-on for me mentally and physically. I feel that if I would have had a little more experience under my belt, I wouldn’t be here in the situation that I am.
The present…. I have gotten over most of the issues from my past in general (those that I have not gotten over are being worked on very diligently) and have come back to the point in my life where I am ready to have a relationship with a woman, that (hopefully) will lead to bigger and better things such as a long term commitment that leads to marriage (eventually) and the potential for a family. My question is how do I go in to a relationship with all of my baggage from the past, and be able to function as a partner, physically, sexually, emotionally, etc.? I know that to have a meaningful relationship, sex inevitably has to come into play and will play a key part to it. How do I get over these issues? How do I have a sexual relationship with another without having this flurry of negative emotions, feelings, overwhelm me. I know these are some deep questions, but I would greatly appreciate any feedback/advice that you all would give to me. If you have any further questions or need more intimate details, please private message me. Thanks!

 

The truth is nobody knows how to have a relationship without actually doing it. It's like trying to use a classroom course to teach somebody how to ride a bike. Experience is the key, learning how you interact with potential romantic partners and what kinds of emotions that kind of contact raises.

To be attractive to stable, healthy people you have to believe that you have a lot of positive things to offer a mate. You have to be able to look into a mirror and think, at least, I don't look half bad! You need to know, deep in your heart, that you're a good person with good qualities and you need those to be acknowledged and appreciated by potential partners. If they don't appreciate those things then say, 'goodbye.' If you are at the point where you can do those things then that's a good sign you may be ready to put yourself on the market.

That also means you shouldn't settle for just anyone who pays you any attention. Lots of times those of us with self-esteem issues attract either other people with self-esteem issues or people who know they can control us simply because we frequently tend to respond to any attention like a hungry puppy. Those are the kinds of people, among many, you have to look out for and be prepared to reject when you discover their real nature. Rejecting others can be difficult for those of us with self-esteem issues because we don't always see that the rejection is something healthy for us. We tend to think that rejection is bad in any circumstance when it's really not.

Those of us who have been molested also need to watch for triggers. You're likely familiar with that concept however, if you're not, it means that some situations can cause us to relive the abusive events. That sounds like what happened to you in your first sexual encounter. Learning to work through the triggers by first recognizing them, and second, reminding yourself that you're in control of the event this time, is most important. The next step is learning to cope with the reactions that the trigger has raised and working through them, and then finally controlling the triggers themselves so they cease to be triggers.

If possible, I suggest going on a few casual dates first. Join a dating website just to meet girls and take out a few. Don't go in preparing for sex, indeed just swear off any sex at all. Get comfortable with being with women. Learn how they act and speak, what they like, and what they like about you in a potentially romantic context. Once you've found a girl you like to see frequently then talk to her about sex. If she's a worthwhile, considerate, and genuine woman then she'll help work with you. Don't jump into sex all at once and let her know you don't want to. Start with massages, maybe some erotic touch. Talk to her and check in with your own emotions to see what you're feeling. If you're comfortable, move to the next step. Maybe try some oral sex. It's really important to listen to your own emotions and truly know that this time, you're doing these things because you want to and you can stop at any time. As you've discussed this with her beforehand she'll stop when you need to. Don't go through all the steps in one night. Take them gradually and use the time between encounters to process any emotions that are raised by the sexual contact.

In all these circumstances, whether it's creating a match.com account or lying in bed with her, the key is to take it slowly, enjoy what you're doing, and do it with someone you trust. Nothing is more important than the trust. You'll know the right person to trust when you meet her. If you don't trust a girl then move on to the next one. Take your time and don't feel pressured to be the man you think she wants you to be. Always be yourself. No matter who you are or your history, not everyone is compatible with everyone else.

The right woman will help you to achieve all the things you want to because she will respect and care for you. It may take time to find her and that's OK. That's true for any two people looking for a partner.

Finding male friends can be tough but not impossible. Go where they are and look to make friends where you can. Think about all the things you enjoy doing and look for local groups who get together to do those things. Just find guys where you find them. Try gyms, parks in the summer, sporting events, or concerts. You can also look for online forums that focus on local things. Get to know guys there first and then look to meet the ones you like in person later. These ideas are off the top of my head. Others may have better.

Takes balls to come here and say what you have. Congratulations for taking the risk to work through these issues. I think you'll find a lot of respect and help here.

Welcome to LPSG!