Hey all! I was wondering if I could get some help/advice on something. To start off, I was sexually abused by my grandfather from approx. ages 5-13. This (obviously) has had a large, negative impact in my life. Some of the biggest (and yet not biggest) issues center/ed around my body and my image of myself. For one he would belittle and ridicule me about the size of my penis to others especially when I was in his presence(which thanks to this site, I have come to realize that I am a bit above average) and the shape of my body. Thanks to him (and others while growing up), I have felt like my body was deformed (another issue is/was that when puberty hit, I developed rather large breasts, to my dismay are still a part of me), and the subsequent years (especially jr. high and sr. high school) were filled with both self-induced torture and my peers at the time. First off, as it states on my profile that I am approx 70% straight and 30% gay. My sexuality has always been a deep source of great strife in my life, and I have spend a lot of time in life trying to figure out who I am, as a complete person. My questions of sexuality stem (of course) from the sexual abuse, and the subsequent isolation of myself from others of my gender throughout my adolescent years and into my early adult life (the present). I feel that (mentally) my sexual growth was stunted as a result of the years of abuse. I often find myself as an outsider to my on gender, and often find it difficult to relate to other men on many subjects. The confusion is based on the lack of a meaningful relationship (friendship or whatever), with other males. What I have pondered upon often is if my sexual curiosity about the same sex is actually sexual, or is it an inner longing for a deeper relationship with another man/men. I, through many years of soul searching have come to the determination that it is the latter of the two. I really would like to have a male friend that I could go to for advice, support, questions, about anything from sex to sports. Sex I have had sex once in my life (aged 23) with a woman. It turned out to be a disastrous experience for me mentally. It brought out feelings and emotions that I had (and didnt know existed) from deep down inside of me. Now dont get me wrong, I did finish the job and there was physical pleasure, but the subsequent barrage of feelings and emotions left me in a state of great anxiety, panic, and an over all deep dark depression that lasted for a little over a year. I was with a very dominating woman, who had total control over the situation, and was very aggressive. Another thing, had this experience not of been my first, I know that it would have been a huge turn-on for me mentally and physically. I feel that if I would have had a little more experience under my belt, I wouldnt be here in the situation that I am. The present . I have gotten over most of the issues from my past in general (those that I have not gotten over are being worked on very diligently) and have come back to the point in my life where I am ready to have a relationship with a woman, that (hopefully) will lead to bigger and better things such as a long term commitment that leads to marriage (eventually) and the potential for a family. My question is how do I go in to a relationship with all of my baggage from the past, and be able to function as a partner, physically, sexually, emotionally, etc.? I know that to have a meaningful relationship, sex inevitably has to come into play and will play a key part to it. How do I get over these issues? How do I have a sexual relationship with another without having this flurry of negative emotions, feelings, overwhelm me. I know these are some deep questions, but I would greatly appreciate any feedback/advice that you all would give to me. If you have any further questions or need more intimate details, please private message me. Thanks!