I have a 34 year old brother that will be released from prison next month. He has been "away" for 3 years. During one of our conversations, he casually mentioned that he has been both passively and actively involved in sex while incarcerated. He has a wife and child waiting for him and claims he is NOT gay, but "that is just the way things are here". As he was initially transferred to a privately owned prison, he was tested for TB and HIV before he was "enrolled". He stated that as a "precaution" he will again be tested for HIV before leaving. I am embarrassed to pursue more questions with him at this time and am not sure where else to go. My issure is not his sexuality, but his lifestyle after leaving with regards to himself and his family. Is he gay? Is he bisexual? or, as he stated, is this just part of human nature to be sexual and defaults to the same sex when the opposite is not available? I would appreciate any insite on this subject. Thanks.
Sex in Jail (serious question)
- Thread starter Mikkke
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nicenycdick
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There is no such thing as "that's the way things are here" about sex in prison. You make the decisions you make. How many of us have gone without sex for long, long periods of time? We may have masturbated, we may have fantasized , but not all of us started playing with other guys. I am not judging, nor am I suggesting that to do that is wrong or bad or unwise or unhealthy. I am only saying that the decision to seek same sex partners in any circumstance other than rape indicates a openness to that opportunity that does not come down to the simple lack of availability of heterosexual partners. I must also suggest that you don't really have to understand...he is your brother, and you should accept him without regard to his sexual decisions...just as you appear to accept him as an ex-felon.
Good Luck.
Good Luck.
Maybe u should ask him more questions since he did give you casual information about his Jail sex . I am sure he will answer any questions you may have, and he might tell you everything, he just may have been gay for the stay. W hat would yo have done for sex for three years besides jack off there? How was your growing up with him as a brother did you guys see each others cocks do tell..
i think "that's just the way things are" is a totally appropriate answer and probably very true. i'm gay and believe it is very likely that your brother was just getting off...nothing more. i think the chances fo him wanting to lead a gay lifestyle once released are slim to none. don't worry. my only concern is that he may have contracted something while inside. hopefully not. if i were in prision for years with all women, you can bet your sweet ass i'd have sex with them. and when i got out, i can pretty much assure you i'd go back to guys. peace, man.
biguy2738
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Mikkke, to be honest, I don't envy you, your brother or his family for being in the situation that you have found yourselves to be in. There are so many issues and necessary adjustments to be made.
Sexuality is a very complex part of our human realities and to make matters worse, it varies from person to person. For example, sex can often times be used as a means of "acting out" or bringing one's anxiety or frustration to expression. This needs to be considered when looking at your brother's choices or activity whilst in prison.
Bisexuality comes in about 13 different forms. One of these forms is what's called "Circumstantial Bisexuality". In this case, the person is predominantly heterosexual, but will choose same sex partners only in situations where there is no access to other-sex partners.
In all honesty though, only your brother will really know what prompted him to opt to have same-sex relations and just how much it meant to him. The fact that he has the freedom to express as much as he has already reveals a great deal about the kind of relationship that you share and that you make it possible for him to encounter a place of safety and acceptance through confiding in you. Is there any greater gift than what you are already offering him? The magnitude of his sharing and the risk involved is a great compliment offered to you. I hope that you are aware of it.
Taking this and all of the adjustment that all of you are yet to have to make into account, the only advice that I can offer you is to allow him to be. Yes, it certainly will be difficult and the mere fact that you made this post tells me that you love and care about him very deeply. Unfortunately though, you really aren't able to live his life for him and make the necessary choices for him. (I hope that you don't read into this statement too deeply). What I'm trying to say, is that in the midst of all the adjusting, your brother has a lot of hard decisions to make about his future (and his wife along with him). Being able to make the right decisions will mean a great deal to him but even more so if he knew that it all came from him.
The best that you can do for him is to remind him of your love, care and support because through doing so, he knows that he will have you to fall back on...and at times his choosing to turn to you to confide in or to ask for advice will be the best possible choice for him to make. Experience has shown me just how difficult it is to do, but I assure you that most times the best way to love someone is to stand back and allow them to bump their heads (should things play out that way) and to then jump in and help them to pick up the pieces.
I wish both you and your brother all of the very best.
Sexuality is a very complex part of our human realities and to make matters worse, it varies from person to person. For example, sex can often times be used as a means of "acting out" or bringing one's anxiety or frustration to expression. This needs to be considered when looking at your brother's choices or activity whilst in prison.
Bisexuality comes in about 13 different forms. One of these forms is what's called "Circumstantial Bisexuality". In this case, the person is predominantly heterosexual, but will choose same sex partners only in situations where there is no access to other-sex partners.
In all honesty though, only your brother will really know what prompted him to opt to have same-sex relations and just how much it meant to him. The fact that he has the freedom to express as much as he has already reveals a great deal about the kind of relationship that you share and that you make it possible for him to encounter a place of safety and acceptance through confiding in you. Is there any greater gift than what you are already offering him? The magnitude of his sharing and the risk involved is a great compliment offered to you. I hope that you are aware of it.
Taking this and all of the adjustment that all of you are yet to have to make into account, the only advice that I can offer you is to allow him to be. Yes, it certainly will be difficult and the mere fact that you made this post tells me that you love and care about him very deeply. Unfortunately though, you really aren't able to live his life for him and make the necessary choices for him. (I hope that you don't read into this statement too deeply). What I'm trying to say, is that in the midst of all the adjusting, your brother has a lot of hard decisions to make about his future (and his wife along with him). Being able to make the right decisions will mean a great deal to him but even more so if he knew that it all came from him.
The best that you can do for him is to remind him of your love, care and support because through doing so, he knows that he will have you to fall back on...and at times his choosing to turn to you to confide in or to ask for advice will be the best possible choice for him to make. Experience has shown me just how difficult it is to do, but I assure you that most times the best way to love someone is to stand back and allow them to bump their heads (should things play out that way) and to then jump in and help them to pick up the pieces.
I wish both you and your brother all of the very best.
Dave NoCal
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My insight is minimal but I have heard and read that part of the reality of prison for younger guys is that the choice can be to either find a protective partner who has clout in the social system or risk sexual assaults. It may have been a completely pragmatic decision.
Dave
Dave
Perhaps, your efforts to understand your brother and his decisions may have to come within you--and your own abilities to absorb his situation. Jail is the type of place that people make choices as well have choices made for them. There are indeed too many reasons to name as to why two men or women for that matter may engage themselves in same sex acts; however it simply is not a simple decision to involve ones self in this type of sex because there are not any other options. Learning more about the dynamics of decision making may at least help you to understand that while in prison perse' we really are not whom it is that we were when we really were able to convey ourselves under our own authority. Prison is a place that can eat a man or woman alive one day at a time until . . . well they surrender themselves in many ways to its culture and follow the rule of the day. Whatever it may be.
- p542,
I think it is human nature for a man to have sex with the same sex when the opposite is not available.......I can remember when i was a kids seeing male dogs sexing each other and being confused about it, wondering, could dogs be gay? I can respect any gay person for being honest about his or her sexuality. Be open and honest about it with all those involved. U as his brother should tell his wife or encourage him to tell her. Give her the choice to risk her own life........He had the choice to engage in same sex relations, obvious it was good he continued to engage in it without regards to his family.......
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My experience concerning sex within a solitary male environment relates primarily to the barracks and the military, rather than prison. I should think though that the same principles are involved, albeit the confinement is not as severe.
In the army , I was approached by many guys , cruised in the shower, sweet talked in my bunk and patted on my behind. That I managed to resist temptation is miraculous...due more to fear of getting caught than of not wanting to get off with someone..anyone!
Had I been incarcerated, such as your brother, I am convinced that I would have succumbed to temptation and fornicated along with the rest of the lot!
As far as your brother is concerned, I believe the best you can do for him is to listen when he chooses to talk to you...pass no judgment and make no criticism.
In the army , I was approached by many guys , cruised in the shower, sweet talked in my bunk and patted on my behind. That I managed to resist temptation is miraculous...due more to fear of getting caught than of not wanting to get off with someone..anyone!
Had I been incarcerated, such as your brother, I am convinced that I would have succumbed to temptation and fornicated along with the rest of the lot!
As far as your brother is concerned, I believe the best you can do for him is to listen when he chooses to talk to you...pass no judgment and make no criticism.
Be glad he feels good enough that he can talk with you on this subject It must be some thing which was eating his insides and he felt compelled to let some one know and he chose you.
Next I see the positives of what he is doing regards to the sexual activity He was tested prior to being locked away and plans to test again upon release so he is making sure his health is not going to endanger another and that includes his wife who is your sister-inlaw.
Let him make a decider on if to tell his wife or not, this is his responsibility and is best for him to do If you do this then you will risk ending your relationship with your brother and possibly even his wife and their children No body likes a gossip.
He says he is only doing this as a sexual release in prison and has not intentions of doing this after release You need to trust and believe this to be the truth if he finds it is not the case he will most likely speak with you about that
Beautifully stated biguy2738. Excellent advice.
The only thing I'd like to add is that HIV or other STDs are going to be a certain risk in prison. Some states are short-sighted and stupid. They provide no education on STDs or condoms. Your brother is at risk for these and I hope you will be able to support him as he awaits the results of the tests. I pray that the tests will prove negative. This must be an extremely anxious time for him and the more support he gets from you at this time in his life, the better chance he'll have to adjust to outside life successfully.
Always remember that your brother is your brother for life. There are no go backs. Be kind and supportive to him no matter how difficult for you. You will live the rest of your life much happier knowing you've done all you could.
horneyoldguy
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Love your brother, don't judge him. Give him whatever support he needs. However, there is also the possibility that he may need to talk to a professional about his experience and what he is feeling.
I'm involved with the health care service of one of Australia's most notorious prisons and I have come to the belief that it is indeed "the way it is there". The majority of prisoners who engage in sexual encounters do so, but definitely wouldn't identify as homosexual outside the confines of the prison. It's not often spoken about, but the condom dispenser constantly needs refilling, so it's happening. At the very least it's hopefully safe.
Don't harp on it. He does need to get tested, and retested after the window period, for HIV, Heps and other STDs. Support him on the difficult time ahead. The fact that he's happy to talk about it and be frank means that it's likely he'll open up to you more about it, so you can satisfy yourself with the questions you'd like to ask.
Don't harp on it. He does need to get tested, and retested after the window period, for HIV, Heps and other STDs. Support him on the difficult time ahead. The fact that he's happy to talk about it and be frank means that it's likely he'll open up to you more about it, so you can satisfy yourself with the questions you'd like to ask.
Being in prison for an extended period of time would change even the best of us. In prison, the person sodomizing or receiving the oral sex is not gay, but the person being sodomized or giving the oral sex is considered gay. So, "that's the way it is there," seems like a logical answer and you shouldn't really mind. I'd look into the STDs and HIV more, like he said he would.
I'm sure that during the acts he didn't consider it gay, but more of another way to "get off." Plus it's hard to resist sex, in general. Also, I've heard many people say before "Gay sex is better than no sex," and that seems like the best answer for his actions.
I'm sure that during the acts he didn't consider it gay, but more of another way to "get off." Plus it's hard to resist sex, in general. Also, I've heard many people say before "Gay sex is better than no sex," and that seems like the best answer for his actions.
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