So frustrated!

Catharsis

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I guess this is a topic that could belong in the general Relationships forum... But, I digress.

At the beginning of the semester, I was introduced to another guy at a party and we started hitting it off. We spent a lot of time with each other the week following that party, and I was developing feelings for him. I assumed it was love, but I honestly don't know what that is, so I just built off of that assumption.

Anyway... Five weeks ago, he found himself in a personal situation and he decided that he needed to re-evaluate himself and that we should stop seeing each other. I told him that I would help him out and support him because I care so much about him, and he acknowledged that - but thought it was too much to ask because he couldn't reciprocate those feelings.

I didn't get it at the time... But now I do. Unfortunately, it's been really difficult to get him out of my mind and I really wanted to meet in person to talk about it more and reach closure, but in his opinion we already have because there isn't more to say.

It's just really frustrating for me because while I was getting to know him, I've obviously gotten to know some of his friends, too, who are really pleasant. And while I've seen them (often in passing), they seem to brighten up and say hi to me. I would like to maintain a friendship with them, but... The only thing that seems to be a problem is when I run into him. Well, I haven't actually bumped into him, but I've seen him a couple times and I've felt really awkward and shied away both times. Of course, I didn't say anything to him. It was after I've seen him twice in the course of three days (which is quite often) and felt the same thing both times that I decided to approach him (via text) again, and it went downhill since then.

I make the situation worse by compiling everything that goes on in my head days at a time into one text that probably turns out to be five pages long... And that just calls for desperation on my part and annoyance on his. I realize this, but he isn't interested in being friends any more and I'm having a really hard time getting over that. I think it's mostly because he extended that offer of friendship and now he's declining it... Possibly because of everything I've said in the meantime.

It just sucks because I thought everything was going so well at first... And now I've made it so that nothing will be able to salvage the situation. I know to move on, and I can at least say that I don't have the same feelings that I once did for him, but I just can't get over what I did. I know I can't fix it... And I know that I'm supposed to learn from it, and I think I have... But how do I just move on from the entire situation?
 

BikerBear

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Catharsis,

Been there, done that more times than I care to admit! I can relate to the feelings, and feel for you.

If possible, just remind yourself, if he's doing that to you now he'll do it again later. Move on! It wasn't meant to be....

I know, that's easier said than done. :smile:


Too bad I don't live in Rhode Island anymore; I'd offer to give you a big hug!!! :smile:
 

hairynyc

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Well, I guess my first bit of advice would be to not beat yourself up about the contact you made and messing things up. I'd lay odds on there being nothing to salvage from the minute he decided to stop seeing you. He may have offered friendship, but if he didn't want to meet with you again, then I'm guessing that offer was just a way to ease out of the situation. In general I'm a big fan of writing letters that you never send. I certainly have in the past taken the route you took and I regretted it later, but mainly because it just made me feel pathetic. I doubt it altered any courses or ruined potential friendships with people who lost interest in me. Even if in your case it did, then you have to forgive yourself and let it go. You're just going to extend the hurt otherwise.

As I've gotten older, I've given up on the idea of closure. I don't think people can ever really give you an answer that will make you feel ok with things ending, though perhaps other people have different experiences. I also think it can be a coded way of finding out what you did wrong so you can try and fix what ever the issue was and get back together.

Regarding the friends, I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with trying to establish your own friendship with them. Just ask yourself if you really want to be friends with them or if it's a way to try and keep a connection to this guy. If you do want to be friends and they do as well, stay away from the topic of the guy. It will 100% get back to him if you do. College is a total nightmare in that regard.

I don't think there's any way around feeling disappointed or sad about these things. Just do your best not to dwell or punish yourself and you'll feel better sooner than if you do.
 

Catharsis

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I certainly have in the past taken the route you took and I regretted it later, but mainly because it just made me feel pathetic. I doubt it altered any courses or ruined potential friendships with people who lost interest in me. Even if in your case it did, then you have to forgive yourself and let it go. You're just going to extend the hurt otherwise.
Yeah, this is exactly how I feel... And I know you're right. It's the "let it go" part that I'm having trouble with accomplishing. And I've never found forgiving myself to be an easy task, but I'll take these events as a lesson for the future.

Regarding the friends, I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with trying to establish your own friendship with them. Just ask yourself if you really want to be friends with them or if it's a way to try and keep a connection to this guy. If you do want to be friends and they do as well, stay away from the topic of the guy. It will 100% get back to him if you do. College is a total nightmare in that regard.
I've decided that I can be friendly with them, but I really do not think establishing friendships with them is the smartest thing for me to do. I mean, I only knew them through this guy, and I hung out with them only when I was with him. I don't think we (his friends and I) would ever have had a true friendship outside of a connection with him, especially since the only time that I do see them, these days, is in passing on the way to class or elsewhere.

I don't think there's any way around feeling disappointed or sad about these things. Just do your best not to dwell or punish yourself and you'll feel better sooner than if you do.
I know that it won't make anything better, but I'm just so frustrated with myself... I've found it difficult to meet guys, and then I finally did and I was the happiest I've ever felt. He turned my world around and shed some light onto my life. But now, I find myself in a lower place than before, and I'm pretty cynical of this whole "love" propaganda. The reason I dwell on it so much... Is because I don't think it will happen again for me, and I screwed up the one chance I had.

And yet, I am a person full of conflicts, because I have another side of me telling me to calm down: I am young and came out only just recently (relatively speaking - just over six months ago), and I really haven't given life enough time to happen for me to be able to make such a bold and pessimistic statement. And I know also that I am going to make zero progress with the mindset that I have.

So I guess the root of the problem, this situation, is that mindset... I really don't know how to overcome that.
 

D_Lee_Iacuckold

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I dont think we ever get used to the sadness and the pain...

After reading my post, decided to add something : so for me, I almost always expect it from a guy I like, disappointment.

But heres my experience. There was a guy I would almost say I fell in love with. He was perfect for me in every way, but I knew it wouldnt work out. He gave me That tingle like no other. A feeling of specialness. And it was soooo difficult for me to let him go. I would cry because I felt that I would never have that feeling, That chance again. It was a painful time. But then like many have said, you just have to move along. Meet and talk to new people. But the great thing about it now is I met another guy that has given me the same kind of tingle, now its just beginning. But it has made me happy knowing That I can have That feeling, That tingle again. It has given me hope. pain is eventually replaced by happiness. You will feel it again.
 
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B_Nicodemous

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Sent ya a text. Had a post written and cell died erasing it. Lol then ended up sending wall of text. Sigh.

Everyone here is spot on. I Would add that you can use your busy schedule to your advantage. The less time you have on your hands the less time to dwell. Other than that...everyone has said most everything i was going to say. Try not to beat yourself up sweetie. I have all the faith that you will meet someone else who makes you feel the way this guy did...if not better.

If you need to get things out blogging can be a cathartic experience.
 
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Good post by Hairy! I agree.
Nothing wrong with saying hi to his mates - but don't pursue it too much.

Does seem like the situation is beyond redemption with the lad, unfortunately - for whatever reason. And it is really hard to accept (been there, and handled it badly, and thought it was my fault, etc). But do try and stop beating yourself up - I guess because it's such an upheaval, you're actually going thru those 4 natural stages of grief: denial, anger, depression and adjustment (not necessarily in that order). It'll work through your system - but maybe ur body/brain need time to adjust by themselves? Give yourself a bit of time to grieve and sort through it - maybe pamper yourself, or surround yourself with supportive things and ppl while you do?

I think it feels all the sharper because you've been wanting this for a while (to meet a guy, and feel happy, etc). However, you now know you CAN meet one, and you can feel happy - plus you now also know some of the pitfalls to avoid. So... it's only a matter of time before it works out for ya with someone else - and works better, I'll bet. :)

Sent ya a text. Had a post written and cell died erasing it. Lol then ended up sending wall of text. Sigh.
Was it 5 pages long? :D
 
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nudeyorker

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Part of finding your way in life is learning to recognize the difference between the stepping stones for yourself and being a doormat for others and vice versa. (By this I mean that someday you may actually look back on this and realize that you narrowly dodged a bullet and been stuck with the wrong person instead of realizing that this led you on the path of finding your own happy ending without him)
You will know when to let go and when to hold on for dear life no matter what ... none of this will get easier but with time and more experiences that play tug of war with your heart you will come closer to understanding how to fill in the _________ (s) right now that are so frustrating. Meanwhile do whatever makes you comfortable and happy in terms of mutual friends and acquaintances and taking the high road etc. (I have always hated the high road but it almost always pays off in the end)
Me ke aloha!
 

B_Nicodemous

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Good post by Hairy! I agree.
Nothing wrong with saying hi to his mates - but don't pursue it too much.

Does seem like the situation is beyond redemption with the lad, unfortunately - for whatever reason. And it is really hard to accept (been there, and handled it badly, and thought it was my fault, etc). But do try and stop beating yourself up - I guess because it's such an upheaval, you're actually going thru those 4 natural stages of grief: denial, anger, depression and adjustment (not necessarily in that order). It'll work through your system - but maybe ur body/brain need time to adjust by themselves? Give yourself a bit of time to grieve and sort through it - maybe pamper yourself, or surround yourself with supportive things and ppl while you do?

I think it feels all the sharper because you've been wanting this for a while (to meet a guy, and feel happy, etc). However, you now know you CAN meet one, and you can feel happy - plus you now also know some of the pitfalls to avoid. So... it's only a matter of time before it works out for ya with someone else - and works better, I'll bet. :)


Was it 5 pages long? :D

...noooooooo...only three..lol.Tharsis can post what i wrote to him if he wishes.

...

If he does i pray he fixes the typos..... :redface:

Tharsis, Joll and NudeYorker along with everyone else...good advice in that.
 

varina1

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Hey bud, like others have said, been there done that and it SUCKS! I think he may be having some sexual identity issues. We all deal with them in different ways. Chalk it up to being at the awkward stage... adulthood! I agree move on. I had a relationship find me 16.5 years ago 1 year after I completely stopped looking for one. I focussed on friendships & getting my shit together, educated & a job. I met someone, we became friends and a year later we moved in together. All because I wasn't looking. I will say this, all the while I was looking, I seemed to "settle" for someone so that I had someone. Not sure if that makes sense. When I stopped looking and a relationship found us, I sure as shit did NOT settle! My partner wasn't looking either. It just grew slowly & is still going after over 16 years. So you see, there is hope. Leave him alone, leave his friends alone, focus on your education & becoming the man you aspire to be. You may be surprised at who may walk into your life. One thing I was told a long time ago when I was bitching about the fucked up guys tha kept coming on to me or that I ended up with. A very good friend of mine, my "fag hag" lol, told me we only attract people as sick as we are. That helped me focus on becoming the best person I could!!!!!
 

hungboy18

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I think first you need to understand what happened as well as you can, not the words but the feelings behind those words and also how he felt about his own feelings and your interactions.

It's hard liking someone and feeling like we want to share everything with them, be there for them, do a ton of stuff together and start to dream about how everything would be, just to have our world crumbles underneath us when we don't get the kind of response we want.

I think you need to try to move on and be happy, because at the end of the day you'll only have yourself, you have to push harder and try to forget, but still learn from what happened and be the better person, you deserve to be happy!
 

Catharsis

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I think it feels all the sharper because you've been wanting this for a while (to meet a guy, and feel happy, etc). However, you now know you CAN meet one, and you can feel happy - plus you now also know some of the pitfalls to avoid. So... it's only a matter of time before it works out for ya with someone else - and works better, I'll bet. :)
Well, I guess I'll believe that one when I see it. It seems to happen for other people (as people have admitted in this thread), but then again I've always been pretty different from the typical person. Time will have to tell that one.

I think he may be having some sexual identity issues. We all deal with them in different ways. Chalk it up to being at the awkward stage... adulthood! I agree move on.
Oh, trust me when I say that he has absolutely no doubt or issue with his sexuality. I was going to go into it, but I decided not to. Just trust me.

One thing I was told a long time ago when I was bitching about the fucked up guys tha kept coming on to me or that I ended up with. A very good friend of mine, my "fag hag" lol, told me we only attract people as sick as we are. That helped me focus on becoming the best person I could!!!!!
I think this is pretty interesting. Although, it doesn't at all apply to me. He is the only guy I've attracted and developed feelings with, so I can't say much about this based off of my experience, but he came onto me while I was pretty low on myself... And, at the time, I thought he was wonderful, so I welcomed it fully.

Not that this means I don't want to be in a better place, but I'm just finding it difficult to get there.
 

B_Nicodemous

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Well, I guess I'll believe that one when I see it. It seems to happen for other people (as people have admitted in this thread), but then again I've always been pretty different from the typical person. Time will have to tell that one.


Oh, trust me when I say that he has absolutely no doubt or issue with his sexuality. I was going to go into it, but I decided not to. Just trust me.


I think this is pretty interesting. Although, it doesn't at all apply to me. He is the only guy I've attracted and developed feelings with, so I can't say much about this based off of my experience, but he came onto me while I was pretty low on myself... And, at the time, I thought he was wonderful, so I welcomed it fully.

Not that this means I don't want to be in a better place, but I'm just finding it difficult to get there.
You will get there. I wont be foolish and claim any specific timeline...but you will get there. I will trust you ob his knowing his sexuality and wont press for details (though I will say my curiosity is piqued lol)

I think your feeling low and his attraction to that are not co.pletely unrelated. Re read what V said about attracting people as si k ad we are. I think it holds well here. If he is going through some personal issues as you stated then it may have been a ki Fred spirit thing going on. Even though your issues are different that conflict may have been what drew ya together in the first place.

In any event, he made ya happy for a time, a d proved to you that you can experience that.

And sweetie, that is a hellava gift that is. Before you doubted you would ever feel that way ever. Now ya know its possible. You will feel it again. :smile:
 

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Catharsis, thank's for sharing you story. I'm living the same these days and all the encouragement you received help me too. The best thing you can do for your self is to move on. I know: easy to say... Good friends are the best allied you have in what look like an up hill battle for you. But you will reach a day when it's going to be an old story. I'm almost there. You will too, believe me. Thank's everyone, and Catharsis one cloud doesn't mean rain all day.
 

Catharsis

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I mean... He has been out for ages longer than I have, has a brother who's gay, has had incredible support for being gay, and is a big advocator of the LGBTQ community as a whole. He is HUGE into that, especially the trans community, and wants to dedicate his life to it. I -highly- doubt he has any sexual identity conflicts.

The "personal" issue he encountered is just that - personal, which is meant to imply that I won't go into detail. It is something that developed while I was seeing him, not a battle he's been fighting for a while that has made him a sick person.
 

B_Nicodemous

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Not meaning sick as in sick in the head wacko but that if people who are still working through things...even if those things are different in nature...tend to attract others of similar conflict. I didn't think his was sexual in nature as you said it wasn't. I will say that even things that happen now tend to have root earlier. I would not be quick to dismiss that. Yes his personal issue may have just occurred...but the WAY he is dealing with it...and you...are things that dont just happen overnight.

I am sure he is a great guy overall. But...and this is a general thing as i am not familiar with the nature of the issue...he may not be in the proper place with himself to pursue a thing with you. Sucks for you. Truly does. And our support having gone though it only helps so much. The pain and doubt and frustration are going to have to run their course. Maybe one day you and he can rekindle something...friendship or otherwise. Right now, though, the best thing you can do is try and stay busy, and try not to think about him. When you are ready, put yourself back out there. As i told you in text...you are far from the shy wallflower type you were when you firs joined here. You have taken steps to improve your self esteem, get healthy, and have had a few really nice first experiences. You have become more comfortable and secure in your own body. Ya went to a nude beach with Nick8! You would have never done that before! You have been traveling out of state...again something you were not comfortable to do!

You are an amazing man Catharsis. It has been very...i can't find the right word...gratifying? Special? ...to be privy and part of your journey. You will find someone. Know we are all here to help you through the scrapes and bumps along the way.
 

Catharsis

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Thanks, Nico. I appreciate your kind words.

And to everyone else who replied... Thank you, as well, for your own perspectives and experiences. I really hope the same happens to me. I guess only time will be able to tell that one. :/
 

MisterSlave

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Hey Cath, Sexy buddy. . Woof!

I am sorry that you are having/had some relationship difficulty. when I was younger, I lost a very good friend, because I informed him that I had (feelings) for him. within our friendship, I knew that he was somewhat bisexual, but when I let it be known that I would like to date him, it creeped him out and he swung his pundulum all the way to heterosexual. It really hurt me a lot to have him just stop talking to me and stop hanging out with me. and I learned a valuable lesson about not hitting on guys who would not reciprocate feelings.

Cath., We can want for all in the world for people to like us and desire to be with us sexually, but we can't Make them feel things that are not really there inside them. I suppose it was better for you to find out from him now, how he feels. . rather than weeks, months, or years down the road. No one likes to feel like they are being lead-on.

Anyway, I am sorry buddy, but keep your chin up. I would say. . when guys show an interest or Spark in you, then yeah go for it, they are interested. If you see someone loose interest, ask them. there is no sense staying involved with people who are not interested.

Just My take. .
Syl'