"So, what did you do wrong?"

[taven]

What did I do wrong? I was breathing. The remark about the battleground strikes home with me. I can't stand so called comedies like Everybody Loves Raymond because I don't find fighting and put downs humorous. (Even though they aren't usually physically abusive, I still can't stand them.)

 

[SteveHd]

Your last comment is along my semi-joking opinion that parents should be required to be licensed before allowed to have kids.

I'd say delete "semi-joking". I seriously like the idea of licensing parents, or at the very least some type of formal training. It would reduce though not eliminate child abuse.

 

[baseball99]

I'd say delete "semi-joking". I seriously like the idea of licensing parents, or at the very least some type of formal training. It would reduce though not eliminate child abuse.

dont even get me started.....i especially love when a mother would bring her child in DEMANDING a prescription for aspirin (0.02 cents a pill) for her kid and yelling and screaming and carrying on when you tried to explain that its more expensive for the entire country when you write the script for 10 pills (>20 bucks) when she could go buy a generic bottle for a buck....yet she is talking on her brand new motorolla razr, wearing $100 jeans, $200 leather jacket.....im sorry but when you have kids they have the priority

there is absolutely nothing more heart breaking after you see an abused child in the ER, go through all the routes possible, have all the social workers investigate and you just know that child will be back in that home

 

[fortiesfun]

JBT: In another thread (containing Novice's and several others' heartbreaking stories of being raped) I recently shared that I was once beaten unconscious by a substitute teacher for talking in class and that almost everyone that I have ever told the story to has asked me what I said, as if anything any eighth-grader could say would justify being beaten to that (or any) degree.

I am well aware that my story is nothing like yours, or Novice's, Sorcerer's or many others that have been shared here, but it is enough to have me thinking how quick we are as a society to blame the victim. It has taken me a long time to come to grips with the fact that most people don't mean to be offensive, but it is so difficult to believe that someone could act as irrationally as abusers/rapists/etc do, and that it could go largely undetected, that "normal folks" try to make sense of the situation. Is there something, they are asking, that could account for this peculiarity in the fabric of the universe? How could this happen? There must be a logical provocation.

Abuse and violence of all types remain vastly underreported because almost no one believes that it could possibly exist to the degree that it does until it happens to them. The experience of not being believed is incredibly common to victims of all types.

(Because so many kind folks have asked: No, in my case the teacher was not punished. I, however, was expelled from school for hitting the teacher, i.e. my feeble attempts to defend myself. As abusers usually do, mine eventually repeated the action, beating a fifth-grade girl in the next town over so badly that she had to be hospitiziled with multiple broken bones. Shortly thereafter the teacher was institutionalized for mental problems, and was never released, dying in the hospital five years later.)

I completely concur with your big point, don't ask a child what caused their abuse. No cause is sufficient for what they suffer, though they may not know that themselves. But I'd go a bit further. If you suspect abuse, report it. Professionals can sort out the details but the chances are the child needs your intervention.

 

[JustAsking]

This is a really painful and astonishing thread. I don't think there is a way for anyone to truly know what this is like unless one has lived it. I myself have not, but I thought I was pretty well schooled on abuse and its affects. Reading this thread, I realize that it would not occur to me to not ask the "what did you do" or "what did you say" question. Not because I was looking for a reason for the abuse, but because I would just be curious as to what provoked the reaction (no matter how trivial).

After reading this thread, I realize that when abuse is obvious, just asking the question that way feeds the already powerful feelings of self-blame that exists in the person who is abused. Thanks for everyone for really making this clear.

I do think there are situations where you need to know what transpired before and after the abusive act. There must be a way to solicit that information without asking the "so what did you do" question.

 

[bluekarma]

I can sympathize with you all. In addition I'd like to add that I would endure 10 more years of the physical abuse my mother and I endured at the hands of her "husband" in place of the twisted mental/emotional abuse he dished out. The physical abuse is often times hinged upon the emotional abuse (what did I do to deserve this, why doesn't he/she love me, what is wrong with me) one day it's fine, the next day the hatred, it settles deep into your psyche and never really goes away (in my experience anyway). However, while I deeply sympathize with anyone who has ever been abused in anyway. I can also say (and others will no doubt agree) it made me a stronger person, and at the very least taught me how NOT to treat the people I love.

Love and kisses to JBT You_Rock_Emoticon for starting this thread. Took guts. Much props.

 

[D_Elijah_MorganWood]

I would endure 10 more years of the physical abuse my mother and I endured at the hands of her "husband" in place of the twisted mental/emotional abuse he dished out...it settles deep into your psyche and never really goes away (in my experience anyway)

I left this out of my post. I finally flattened my father when I was 17. That night I honestly believe he wanted to kill me. He still psychologically abused me long after that. Abusers have the uncanny ability to sense when we are the weakest and go straight for the jugular, even if it isn't physically.

 

[novice_btm]

Much love and respect to you, JBT, for starting this thread. I think it's through these confessions that others then feel the sudden freedom to let out their similar stories. I know, I know, you don't want sympathy, but my heart really does go out to you, Sorc, FF, and others that tell their stories.

Unfortunately, this brings forward just how often people jump to blaming the victims. I've never understood that. Why is it that people so readily jump to the agressors side, without even thinking, and right there in the victims face?

"I was ____-ed/-en."
"Well, what'd you do to deserve it?"

I just don't understand that whole exchange, and the mechanism that causes it. It must be some sort of defence response, but I don't know why.

 

[vinny_spiruccino]

JBT, I admire you greatly for posting this. Beyond that, I can't let you post this without affirming the fact that you are not alone in the experiences that you've had nor in the emotions that they yet provoke. I too experienced a great deal of trauma as a kid; so much so that today I can hardly believe some of the things that happened. My own father took many of the answers to my questions to his grave; he committed suicide on Thanksgiving day by intentionally overdosing. He was a heroin addict for 35 years. The girl he was living with (or living off of) at the time called paramedics, and they were able to resuscitate him briefly. By the time he got to the hospital however he was in a permanent vegitative state. After subjecting me to a lifetime of hurt, the only thing he left me with was the decision to pull the plug.

He was absent, fortunately, for much of my life. Like Chrysalis, I was raised by a neglectful mother who was 16 when I was born. He was married at the time, but not to her. At the time he died, I found out that she'd gotten preganant to coax him away from his family. She did for a time, until she saw his true colors and had her eye blackened a few times. My naive, coal miner's daughter grandmother would send cash in the mail to her to help with diapers/milk/etc. He found it. We ran away in the middle of the night after he got high.

Though she loved me, my grandmother was the uber religious one who raised me in a spiritually abusive church. I've written before about my experiences in the ex-gay camp & the electro shock therapy they used...

I've spent many years asking why these things happened to me, and have only in recent times resolved that I'll never know the definitive answers in this life, but that for whatever reason, they happened to make me who I am.

You'll see this in time too; if you haven't already. You're a good, strong person nontheless.

 

[Male Bonding etc]

Tough thread to read: sad, touching, and in the end, inspiring. Thanks to JBT for starting it and to the others for contributing.

 

[TitanicJake]

I got slugged many times by my father. The three of us (boys) did.
Once he squeezed my brother's nuts so hard he passed out.
Dad is a drinker.
I just remember wishing I was invisible. When I got older it got worse. He would "train me" and lift with me. It was if he was living thru me. I would have so much weight on the bar and I was bench pressing. He blasted music and as I pushed up he would sometimes push down.
Dad's reasoning was and still is "I made you the tuff guy you are today"
Sometimes I hate him.
Jake

 

[Countryguy63]

I read many of these stories and realize just how lucky I was. No, not in the way you may think, as I too endured physical and emotional abuse by my Dad when I was young. I sincerely believe that the emaotional abuse hurt me worse than the beatings and even all of the times of being slugged in the face. I can still clearly remember the day that I was outside when my little brother who was about 2 at the time, walked out of the house. My Dad was talking to someone and very loudly pointed to my brother and said "Thank God we had him, that's the only man I'll ever raise". I didn't like sports, and that combined with his inability to control his anger, made me his target for his rage.
My luck came after I was an adult. Something changed in my Dad. Of course, this didn't happen overnight, and combined with other events that had happened in my life, I came to the conclusion that I wanted a relationship with him. He never would admit to what he had done, but I told myself that I had 2 choices. Either I could forgive him in my own heart and move forward, or I could legitimately continue to hold him responsible and hate him for what he did to me.
I chose to forgive. It took another 10(+or-) years, but I eventually started towards having a very close and loving relationship with him. When he passed away last year, it was one of the hardest moments in my life.

I feel so bad for those of you who's abusers never change. I hope that you are able to find peace in other ways.

 

[joyboytoy79]

Thank you to those of your who shared your stories. It means a lot to me, and to many other people here, i am sure.

I want to apologize to anyone who may have felt chastised by my tone in the OP. I know a lot of people who haven't (and even some who have) experienced abuse are curious about what sets off an abuser, and that's a natural response. Unfortunately, the abused seldom know what was the real reason. My dad often hit me because i HADN'T done something, and he felt i should just instinctively know to do it. I have no idea why he broke my jaw. When i regained consciousness he was driving me to the hospital and telling me what the official story was going to be when we got there (it was an accident, of course).

When i was 10 or 11 he moved out of state to avoid making child support payments, and i never heard from him again. I count that as a blessing.

Fanta, I understand your desire to reconnect with your father, and applaud your efforts. I, on the other hand, have no desire to reconnect with mine. Asside from donating half of my genome, he's had zero possitive impact on my life. Also, my older sister tried to reconnect with him some years ago; he bummed some money off of her, and then tried to sue her for grandparent custody rights of my nephew (likely using the money she loaned him). He never even asked her to see his grandson.

*shrug*

 

[vinny_spiruccino]

Baby boy toy... I know WE weren't fighting or anything but...

wanna have make up sex?

 

[playainda336]

Wow. All these sharing threads are crazy. I'm not going to share my story, but I'll just say for sure that abuse goes much further than physical. Emotional and verbal abuse can also have last effects on one's psyche.

Needless to say, my childhood was very troubled.

 

[bluekarma]

I left this out of my post. I finally flattened my father when I was 17. That night I honestly believe he wanted to kill me. He still psychologically abused me long after that. Abusers have the uncanny ability to sense when we are the weakest and go straight for the jugular, even if it isn't physically.

You know, it's funny. When my mother finally left him, I vowed that when I got old enough I'd find him and make him pay. Since then, I've seen him countless times and I feel nothing but pity for him. No hatred, or anger at all. All I see is this cowardly, lonely man who spent so many years torturing his family for god knows why. I'm sure he's punished himself enough already, his appearance says as much. He had a lot when he has us, and now he has nothing but horrible memories of what he did, nothing I could ever do or say could top that. But for real Sorcerer, at 17 if he laid another hand on us.... I'd have straight FUCKED HIM UP....so YOU GO

 

[JustAsking]

...I want to apologize to anyone who may have felt chastised by my tone in the OP.

No, the point you made was important. Abused people, especially women, seem to take on a lot of the blame at first for being abused. Because of that, the "What did you do?" question plays right into that blame and shame. This was a useful thread just for that point alone, let alone all the other testimony from people who were abused.

All in all, this was a very humbling thread.

 

[husky14620]

I read many of these stories and realize just how lucky I was. No, not in the way you may think, as I too endured physical and emotional abuse by my Dad when I was young. I sincerely believe that the emaotional abuse hurt me worse than the beatings and even all of the times of being slugged in the face. I can still clearly remember the day that I was outside when my little brother who was about 2 at the time, walked out of the house. My Dad was talking to someone and very loudly pointed to my brother and said "Thank God we had him, that's the only man I'll ever raise". I didn't like sports, and that combined with his inability to control his anger, made me his target for his rage.
My luck came after I was an adult. Something changed in my Dad. Of course, this didn't happen overnight, and combined with other events that had happened in my life, I came to the conclusion that I wanted a relationship with him. He never would admit to what he had done, but I told myself that I had 2 choices. Either I could forgive him in my own heart and move forward, or I could legitimately continue to hold him responsible and hate him for what he did to me.
I chose to forgive. It took another 10(+or-) years, but I eventually started towards having a very close and loving relationship with him. When he passed away last year, it was one of the hardest moments in my life.

I feel so bad for those of you who's abusers never change. I hope that you are able to find peace in other ways.

I, too, see this and think, I was relatively lucky.

The emotional abuse lasts much longer than the physical injury though. Even as I approach 50, I don't allow most people to get anywhere near me emotionally. I don't allow myself to become dependent on anyone. I have walls around walls. And can count the sum total of my personal friends on my fingers. well, maybe a few toes, too.

In my case, the physical abuse ended after my little brother was born. But he is eleven years my junior. And my mother was also actively emotionally abusive, even if she wasn't physically so. The only one in my family who I ever had any emotional connection with was my grandmother.

As a result of the difference in our ages, I was often used as the built in baby-sitter. By the time he was five, I could see the "chain of abuse" developing in me. The night I back-handed him is the night I swore I'd never have children, even though by then I knew I was Gay.

Before my niece was born, I warned my sister that if I ever caught her, her husband, or our father hitting or emotionally abusing the baby as was done to me, I would bring in whatever authorities were necessary to see it stopped. She is now in the 4th grade, and although a bit spoiled, she has never been abused, only loved.

As to another earlier post, it isn't just Christmas that resurrects all this shit. For me, birthdays are horrible. I celebrate everyone else's, but avoid my own like it was the plague. I never once had a happy birthday. They were just a "legitimate" excuse to "spank" me. As an adult, I don't even share my birth-date with my friends, treating it as top secret. Those that do discover it are sworn to secrecy. They have it narrowed down to a few days, but I am always vague and evasive. I would love to experience a happy birthday where I was the center of attention, but the fear in me from all those years is too overpowering to even chance it.

JBT, I am hoping your healing process is better and more complete than mine. The fact that you have shared in such detail is a good sign. Know that there are many of us who feel for you and share your pain. Maybe someday we can all share in the healing as well.