Something I need to say

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Ecchi

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I don't quite know where to start with this. This rose out of my own depression with myself and my life.

The internet has been, for the past few years, one of my few social outlets, where I'm not so afraid to let myself go and say what I feel. It's prolly my only social outlet.

I tried to be honest and straight forward about who sits at this keyboard. But ... that didn't quite work. White lies ... I told a few.

You have to understand my overall view of myself .... in r/l, I see myself as a very emotionally weak, easily frightened, timid individual. I tried, out in the world around me, to put forth an aura ... that I'm fearless, that I don't feel pain, that I can't be hurt. But it collapses when I'm alone. I'm scared to death of the world around me, of other people. Scared of failure, scared of rejection, to the point I almost never leave this house anymore.

I've never formally studied martial arts ... I'm just a fanboy who tried to teach myself on my own. I've never done pro wrestling in any capacity ... it was just a dream that I failed at when I realized my body couldn't sustain such a career. I don't work out as much as I say ... and I'm not as strong as I say either. I'm not as 'endowed' as I've claimed either, despite my efforts to improve it.

I look around me at times and see such spectacular people who are intelligent, strong, wise, talented ... and I've no answer to it. And I've made friends with alot of people ... that I felt I had to lie a little bit ... I wanted, desired, hungered to be something special, something notable, someone that people believed in and thought highly of. But I have really nothing to give.

This is why it's so frustrating when Kris, my g/f, lays such heavy praise on me ... I don't understand, I don't comprehend an ounce of it. Yes, I try very hard to be sweet, loving and attentive. But ... I give nothing else. I need her more than she could possibly need me. I need someone ... who gives me some degree of worth, which she does. She confirms my existance, even if I still don't myself as having any redeeming values.

I love Kris, and I love my friends. I'm sorry for what I put them through ... and I wish I could be something more than just a scared timid hopeless man. I'm sorry ....
 
Dude, you are apologising for being alive. For taking up space on the planet. Been there, did that. Not doing it anymore.

May I sincerely recommend that if you can't pull yourself out of this kind of thinking that you get some professional help. Been there, did that too, and am due for a tune up. Life does that to me. I have all these accolades in the world for the music I write. It's not enough for me most days, because I'm learning I'm not enough for me. On days I am enough, and I become open, alive, charming, powerful. I am learning it's not about my looks, or cock, or all the stuff I DO, it's about BEING. Being alive, being happy, being good, about loving and being loved. Because we are human BEINGS, not human DOINGS.

I'll bet your praising girlfriend looks at you and practically worships you. Might as well enjoy it while it lasts. What if she changes her mind? I have met and worked with a few celebrities. I am always amazed that these people are JUST LIKE YOU AND ME. They feel inferior, and incredible pressure to be PERFECT in the spot light. A desire to be the ultimately attractive human. And yet no one is that kind of person. We see their bodies but when we get to know them, they are like us in many ways. Some handle it well, others crumble for days after a big public gig.

You have to tell yourself inside that you are okay. You have to give yourself permission to say I am enough the way I am, and if I improve, that's even better. You can't rely on others to make you feel okay because you'll suck them dry and they'll get tired and walk away.

Put away your martyr and victim faces, and be happy that you are here among us on this planet. People obviously have no trouble loving you, now love yourself.

BuffMusicidol
 
Originally posted by Ecchi@Jan 13 2005, 08:01 PM

I tried to be honest and straight forward about who sits at this keyboard. But ... that didn't quite work. White lies ... I told a few.

You have to understand my overall view of myself .... in r/l, I see myself as a very emotionally weak, easily frightened, timid individual. I tried, out in the world around me, to put forth an aura ... that I'm fearless, that I don't feel pain, that I can't be hurt. But it collapses when I'm alone. I'm scared to death of the world around me, of other people. Scared of failure, scared of rejection, to the point I almost never leave this house anymore.

I look around me at times and see such spectacular people who are intelligent, strong, wise, talented ... and I've no answer to it. And I've made friends with alot of people ... that I felt I had to lie a little bit ... I wanted, desired, hungered to be something special, something notable, someone that people believed in and thought highly of. But I have really nothing to give.

This is why it's so frustrating when Kris, my g/f, lays such heavy praise on me ... I don't understand, I don't comprehend an ounce of it. Yes, I try very hard to be sweet, loving and attentive. But ... I give nothing else. I need her more than she could possibly need me. I need someone ... who gives me some degree of worth, which she does. She confirms my existance, even if I still don't myself as having any redeeming values.

I love Kris, and I love my friends. I'm sorry for what I put them through ... and I wish I could be something more than just a scared timid hopeless man. I'm sorry ....
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You have made the greatest turn and didn't realize it. You have come clean and honest about yourself. That is the hallmark of character. It is also the first step in being a great person. The past has not been kind to you from what you post. You can't change it. But the future is all yours.

Be yourself. I already like you from what you have posted. You see I have had some of those same issues in the past. You have a real sensitive spirit and truly want to do good and for everyone around you to like you and for them to have a wonderful life. Man, talk about character. It is there just waiting for you to develop it.

My hat is off to you. That was a wonderful post. It showed incredible honesty and integrity.

Around people don't pretend to be something your not. You don't need to. The real you is the best. If people don't like the real you, then you don't need to spend time with them anyway.

May God bless you as you seek your place in life. Feel free to e-mail or pm me anytime.

Sorry we don't live close to each other. We could become friends in the world. As it is, we can become internet friends.

Freddie
 
Wow! That was one of the most honest, and amazing posts I have read on this site thusfar. If only everyone were as honest as you were and stopped putting up fronts for each other maybe we wouldn't even have all these feelings of inadequacy and insecurity.
Know that we all feel the same way you feel, most of us anyway, and most of the time; we just do what you do: we hide it, because we buy all the bullshit that everyone else is chucking toward us and never think that maybe they aren't as strong and confident as they pretend to be. You don't have to improve yourself to become a better person; you don't have to be physically stronger or better hung, or smarter; all these things are superficial. You're becoming abetter person because you are starting to be honest with others and more importantly honest with yourself. Only those that honestly assess their lives can work to improve it, and you are well on your way.
It is hard though. Don't think for a second that honesty is always the best policy (if by best you mean that which would make your life easier, or happier) we are social animals and most times our happiness is dependant on the acceptance and tolerance of others; sometimes lies are the best way to live harmoniously with others. DON'T LET THAT STRAY YOU! STICK WITH THIS NEW PATH THAT YOU'VE CHOSEN. The path of the RIGHTeous man is beset on all sides by the inequaties of those who take their own selfish interests as more important than truth.
I think one of the main reasons we choose to lie about ourselves to others is because we are afraid of their true judgement of ourselves. We care about their opinion of us because most if not all of us hold somewhat low opinions of ourselves. The difference being we can alter and influence how they judge us; we can lie to them, something which when dealing with ourselves is impossible. Since we know ourselves more intimately than others and judge ourselves harshly we expect-- if others had the same information-- that they would arrive at the same result, and since they have the luxury of not being inseperable from us would promptly stop associating themselves with us.
We want our lies about ourselves to be true and if someone else believes it, it becomes that much closer to truth, and that much further away from fantasy. Their belief in our lies makes it more real than we know it is, less make believe than it obviously is.
that is why when you get praise from your g/f you do not want to accept it because you know her premises our flawed; you feel that she doesn't really know you, and is not really praising you; it's a kick in the teeth everytime she brings it up because all it does is reveal the false image of yourself that you have created for her.
This is what I have been going through the past 7 months of my life. I came clean to my ex about myself, crushing the version of myself she had come to know and love, and decided to stop lying. Ultimately yes the reasons for my confession were selfish: I no longer wanted to live in fear of the lies being unveiled, and wanted her to start loving the real me, instead of the fake me, even if that meant the real me might get rejected. I had to try, because the prospect of her actual acceptance would be far greater than the pain of her actual rejection.
I want people to start accepting the truth about me, and their acceptance of my facade is no longer satisfactory.

I wish you luck... Keep your head up. Get out of the house every now and then.
 
.......


It's taking me a minute to digest what people have said to me so far here. I didn't expect people to say such things in response to what I said. I suppose the truth does set you free.

I do have a long way to go ... and I desperately want to be happy with myself. I just felt I had to let these things out. I'm going to take the words you all spoke with me ... sleep on it tonight, let it sink in. I'm not going to be foolish and expect to wake up tomorrow a brand new person. But ... I'd like to think these are good first steps.

Thank you everyone ...
 
NineInchCock_160IQ: Hey man,

I have no idea who you are and have never responded to any of your posts that I'm aware of.... but just from this one post it's obvious that you have something worthwhile to offer people. That thing you just posted... that took a lot of courage. Don't say that you are weak and cowardly and worthless. Obviously that is not true. You seem to be very in touch with your feelings, even if it is hard for you to express those feelings to others. and sometimes you tell little white lies, most people do. But you did something truly extraordinary when you decided that you were able to admit to the falsehoods that you shared with others, and not only admit to them, but hold yourself fully accountable. You stood before everyone here completely naked and vulnerable and told us the bare truth about yourself and that took a shitload of guts and bigger balls than any of the freaks of nature on this message board have. REALLY dude! Bravo! The fact that you even have a girlfriend, someone whom you love and who obviously loves you, also says volumes about the person that you are. That you actually make an effort to, as you put it, be loving and attentive as you can be.... don't you realize just how amazing and special that is? Don't you understand some people spend their entire lives looking for that one person who actually gives a fuck about them, enough to be loving and attentive towards them? That's great! That's awesome!! If you can be a good man for your girl and she obviously is able to appreciate that and not take advantage of your kind-hearted selfless nature, which seems to be the case if she is heaping praise upon you, dude that is fucking great!! Who gives a fuck about your dick?? This website, to my surprise, is actually filled with a lot of intelligent, worthwhile people... but when I first came here it seemed like the premise was so completely asinine and worthless I could hardly stop laughing until I began posting myself and interacting with some of the other people here. Anyway the point is... having a big cock is so completely fucking worthless, DON'T feel bad about that. In stead try to feel GOOD about the things that you DO have. The things that you CAN offer. Love, attentiveness, honesty, integrity (when it is called for), sensitivity, self-awareness. These qualities are in short supply and you, sir, seem to have them in large quantity. Going out in to the real world outside of the safety of the internet can be a bitch, I know, I suffer from social anxiety disorder myself. So I'm swinging more pipe than average but that doesn't really help my confidence a lot. There are better things to be concerned about. But... you know... if dealing with people and facing rejection isn't really your forte... don't give up... you are not alone friend, not at all. Almost everyone has to struggle with those issues that you described it's just that most of us don't talk about it so candidly with other people because we are afraid of sharing that weakness in ourselves. You're ahead of the game by being able to realize some of your own weaknesses. Now take the next step, realize that you also have a lot of strengths, and go from there. Don't get discouraged if it doesn't come to you all at once. Baby steps. Stick with your girl, it sounds like you've got a good thing going there. Try getting out more. Don't cut yourself off completely from your friends online, they can provide a good emotional anchor for you, but don't wall yourself off completely from the outside world either. Learn to be able to identify who you can depend on for strength and stability, your family if they are around, your girl, your friends here and anywhere else you've got them. We're all behind you. and forget about the penis thing. Who gives a fuck? really?
 
doubtless_mouse: Ecchi - Kudo's to you. As many people have already told you, what you posted took courage. What you might not realize is that it also took strength. Lies are actually easier than the truth. They are even easier when the lies are presented via a written forum over the internet.

My advice to you would be to try and become the person you want to be. You refer to yourself as a fanboy. Then stop being a fanboy and formally train in the Martial Arts. I too was a fanboy. But one day I realized that I had a love for martial arts. I used to watch every martials arts movie, live events, televised events that I could find. And then I realized like you that what I was doing was lying to myself. I would tell people that I was into martial arts but what I should have said was that I liked watching them on TV. Eventually about two years ago I began to study Shaolin Kung Fu and it is one the greatest things I ever decided to do. You mention that you see yourself as a very emotionally weak, easily frightened, timid individual. I can tell you from personal experience that actually studying a martial art can help in those areas in many ways. First through practicing the techniques and Ć¢Ā€ĀœmovesĆ¢Ā€Ā you develop physical fitness, stamina, self-confidence, self-assurance, and a greater respect for who you are. Secondly, through the course of study, you develop much more than the ability to fight (I detest fighting and violence, I think it is one of the worst ways to resolve a problem), instead you gain the ability to not have to fight. Through what I have learned studying martial arts I realized that if I ever had to defend myself I could, and that in and of itself means I am that much less likely to actually ever have to defend myself.

The Quan (Chinese word for training hall) is also a place to make great friendships that can last a lifetime. The Quan is filled with people from different backgrounds, races, ages, and abilities who come together for one thing Ć¢Ā€Ā“ and that is to study and practice. I have made friends that I will cherish my entire life. And whatĆ¢Ā€Ā™s really funny is that they do not like me because I study Kung Fu with them, they do not like me because of my size, they do not like me because I am great in Kung Fu (which I am not by the way) instead, they like me for who I am. And who I am is an over-weight balding guy who looks closer to middle age than he is. They like me even though they have all excelled while I am still working to grasp techniques they have mastered, they like me even though I am nothing like them.

The study of martial arts is an internal thing. You do not need to worry about how well you do compared to others, there is no such thing as failure, you are looked at not so much as a student but instead as a traveler. You are taking a journey. The Sifu (Chinese word for instructor) is not so much a teacher but instead a tour guide. He helps you discover the ability you have within yourself. He helps you decide which roads you want to take and gives you advice and guidance on how to get to your destination.

You have something to offer. Trust me on this. Every living breathing member of our global society has something to offer. Remember that this journey or any journey is long and can be difficult at times, but like anything in life these are the things that bring value to us. We donĆ¢Ā€Ā™t tend to remember the easy things we did in life, instead we remember the difficult ones. The simple merry-go-round doesnĆ¢Ā€Ā™t stick in our memory but the thrilling roller-coaster ride does.

Take your time, you donĆ¢Ā€Ā™t have to jump in both feet first but you might want to try and take a few steps. Eventually I imagine you will find yourself running before you know it.

Lastly remember this, the hardest thing about doing anything in life whether it is martial arts, weight lifting, driving a car, or even joining the United States Marine Corps is actually making the decision to do it. After you make the decision the rest is actually quite easy. Good luck and donĆ¢Ā€Ā™t be afraid to talk to us. You do not have to be alone in this, if you want someone to talk to IM me and we can exchange e-mail addresses and talk that way.

Ramblings from the Mouse.
 
A lot of really nice thoughts, guys.

Take it to heart, Ecchi. Now that you've decided to "come clean", stop kicking yourself, accept your imperfections (EVERYONE has some) and try to improve those things you can. Now go kiss your g/f, before someone else does.

Good luck. :)
 
having read what people have put so far and it is hard for me to add anything new. all of what i have read is to the point and true for me. we all have faults that we see in are selfs that others never see, becouse we are harder on are selfs than others ever would be. i have learnt to stay away from people who use my good points and offer nothing in return. i also have little time for people who moan about things i say or do when if the turth be known thay use it as a way of hiding the fact thats a fault they see in them selfs.

its never easy to be able to stand up and say 'THIS IS ME LIKE ME FOR WHO I AM'
but you have made 1 hell of a start! why should you be some one your not to make people like you when there WILL be more people who like you for BEING you.

to be blunt if you lie to others you are only lieing to your self.

dosent mean to say you have to tell every one every thing about your self.

dont give up on your self and dont put your self down. you know more about your self than others ever will. if they say something about you, you know if it true or not your real friend will bo objective the others will play on the fact they can off load there faults on you to stop them having to look at them selfs.

in short i dont know you from Adam but your post has made me want to reply and get to know you!

its also very good to see there are more real people on here than i thought.
i like this site and keep coming back becouse i have met some very sound people on here. it would be nice to see 1 or to others stand up and say this is who i realy am. mind you then half the fun of this site would be gone :blush:

you can now start to live your life as you and will find others that are happy to join you for the ride (so to speak)

GOOD LUCK

im happy to chat to you and every one who has posted so far.
 
GBO ... Kris does actually know me fully and in truth ... that's what makes her love all the more boggling to me ... then she told me something this morning. The reason she loves me like she does, is because I'm always, without question, without hesitation, there for her when she needs me, physically and emotionally. I'll drop anything i'm doing, anything i'm in the middle of, when she wants my time and energy. She said i just have such an ultimately loving and affectionate nature that no one ever gave her before. And thats why she loves me.

I guess being loving and attentive is something I'm very very good at.

I'm still upset with myself in some ways, but also amazed by such an outpouring of good will. I hold honesty in very high regard ... I hate being lied to ... and yet I myself lied, and when I consider that I did so, it burns me up inside. And you all say I was courageous to be that honest. It was scary as hell and hard to do that ... very hard. I may noy know alot of you very closely, but I respect alot of people here, and consider some people here very good friends.

I can say this to everyone with perfect honesty ... I will try my hardest to get better and overcome my fears ... Even if I'm still very scared.
 
Originally posted by Ecchi@Jan 14 2005, 09:24 AM
GBO ... Kris does actually know me fully and in truth ... that's what makes her love all the more boggling to me ... then she told me something this morning. The reason she loves me like she does, is because I'm always, without question, without hesitation, there for her when she needs me, physically and emotionally. I'll drop anything i'm doing, anything i'm in the middle of, when she wants my time and energy. She said i just have such an ultimately loving and affectionate nature that no one ever gave her before. And thats why she loves me.

I guess being loving and attentive is something I'm very very good at.

I'm still upset with myself in some ways, but also amazed by such an outpouring of good will. I hold honesty in very high regard ... I hate being lied to ... and yet I myself lied, and when I consider that I did so, it burns me up inside. And you all say I was courageous to be that honest. It was scary as hell and hard to do that ... very hard. I may noy know alot of you very closely, but I respect alot of people here, and consider some people here very good friends.

I can say this to everyone with perfect honesty ... I will try my hardest to get better and overcome my fears ... Even if I'm still very scared.
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Ecchi, I have a question for you.
Do you drop everything, do you attend to her needs because you love her, because you love to make her happy? Or do you do it to keep her happy, to keep her with you?

There is a big diffference. If it's the first, then you are a lucky man. Love is hard to find.
If it is the later, you should ask yourself what it is that makes you fearful.

Being there for the one you love is one of the most rewarding things in life.
It feels good and it makes others feel loved. But don't forget to love yourself too.
I know - that's a load of bullshit right? How do you quantify that. How do you "LOVE"
youself?

Well, it starts with getting over what you have to offer others.
What do you have to offer yourself? What do you see when you look in ther mirror?
What have you done that makes you proud? What have you always wanted to do?

Think about all of the things that are great about you. Your ability to make people laugh.
Your ( you fill in the balnks) .

Then if you want to work on the physical stuff, you can make that decision.
Work out more, whatever. But don't make those things what defines you.
I don't know you, but you seem like a good person. That's not easy for everyone to say.
Your girlfriend seems to think so, Believe her. Let her know that you appreciate her affection and her praise. There is nothing wrong with accepting praise. Just say" thank you. That makes me feel really good."

Once you can do that, you can begin to address your fears. You can say to yourself,
"self, why am I afraid to go out there?"
Because someone will ridicule me? because someone will be mean to me?
OR, is it that I might ridicule myself?
 
Ecchi,

You are without a doubt a very brave man to see yourself as you do and come clean as you have. You didin't owe it to us, but you did it for yourself, which is incredible. Kris is a very lucky girl indeed, as I'm sure she's a quality person too. You have something of great value in that relationship and it seems you treat it accordingly. As others have said, many go their whole lives without finding something like that, so treasure it every day.
You are not alone or unique in presenting yourself in a better light, we all do it. I don't have any "stats" to share here, being a woman, but you can believe I take 1000 pics before I post an avatar! We all want reassurances from our friends, and online friends are no less real just because we don't see them. We are still all humans, typing away in our respective places, sharing our lives with this select group of people we've found. A lot of us don't have fantastic social lives (me!) or we wouldn't be here so much! Don't be down on yourself because of thinking you're not as cool as someone else- chances are they're thinking the same thing about you. Here's a secret about life, *everyone's thinking about themselves all the time, they really aren't thinking aobut you at all*. All those times you think people are looking at you funny or saying rude things behind your back, chances are what they're really doing is just worrying about how THEY look to other people and what other people are saying about THEM. Fear is self centered. It's the belief that we somehow have a higher place of significance in the world than we really do. What you have going for you is that you actually DO have someone who holds you in high regard and you want to be worthy of that praise. You are. The great Will of the universe has seen fit to give you life and breath, so who else's opinion could possibly matter? Kris has decided to share her trek through this life with you. so she sees something of value, and I doubt she is dumb enough to fall for a facade! If you don't see what she sees, so what? Just be glad she sees it and trust that she is not stupid. Building self esteem is very tricky, be careful to look inside at what's there, I think it can be dangerous to try to build up an external shell to be proud of, who you are, right here and now, is good enough. Being yourself and coming to terms with yourself is a journey many will never undertake! You are so far ahead of the game, just from doing what you've done here.
As a final thought. You have been very kind to me several times and I have always looked forward to seeing your name on a thread because I know you will have something uplifting to say to whatever you respond to. That's how I know you. I don't memorize guys "stats" or like the ones with bigger numbers better, we are all people, we all have value, and it's the ones who extend themselves for others that I personally hold in highest regard. Big Hugs! Jana
 
To Viking ... I am the way I am to Kris because it brings me this incredible warmth and happiness whenever I know I've made Her happy, made her feel good, made her smile. I love the look she gets in her eyes when she looks at me, I flat out cannot get enough of her.

As for what I offer myself ... when I think about it ... I know there are some positives there, but I can never really stop worrying enough. Folks ... seriously, what people think of you does matter. And I worry constantly, since for alot of my life, I wasn't socially 'accepted' ... too loud, too different, too weird ... and although I'd get compliments on some things I did, I can remember alot of truly hearfelt efforts I've made (particularly in school and at jobs I've had) getting shot down in flames.

Jana-hun, you actually touched on something that always been a problem with me ... I'm very very paranoid around people. I'm always wondering ... always fearing. It always feels like I'm being dissected around people I don't know, like their trying to find the very worst about me to shove it into my face. I know that's rather extreme, but that's how it is with me.

As to what you said at the end ... even with my fear, I always want to leave the best impression ... I want people to know, i'm a very kind, understanding and accepting person. I always want to help others feel happy and feel better about themselves.
 
Ecchi, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying there aren't assholes in the world, I am well aware that there are! I know there are some people who just live to poop on the dreams and efforts of others, what I'm saying is that these people are so shallow that their opinions don't really count for much to me, at least not anymore. Getting to the place where I could truly feel this way was a journey, not a instant decision.

Also, it is important to consider someone's motivation for saying/doing something. If someone says something negative to me, I immediately think to myself, "where are they coming from?". Chances are, they are unhappy with something in their own life and are taking it out on me. In school, many who teach are frustrated because they aren't artists-musicians-athletes-mathemticians-scientists and are actually resentful of more promising students who may become these things! They are not consciously aware of these feelings, but I've seen it too often to just be coincidence. Teachers are just people, there are some who do it for the love of education and some who do it for a paycheck. You can't base your image of yourself on what a few flawed indidviduals say, because it is very likely that they are only unhappy about their own place in the world. When you are less than your best, it is becuase you are unhappy with yourself as well, right?

Right now, someone is reading this that is wishing like crazy he could come out of his/her own self-imposed shell. The greatest value in honesty is that it is infectious, and I will be giggling with glee when everyone on here feels safe enough to do what you just did. Recently, we have had some true shows of courage in dealing with personal issues on here, we are getting closer, being more supportive, learning about love together. I love and value this all so much! I can't tell you how good it is to have you feel so desperate, yet safe enough here to spill your guts, this is the good stuff in life.
 
Originally posted by madame_zora@Jan 14 2005, 06:56 PM

Also, it is important to consider someone's motivation for saying/doing something. If someone says something negative to me, I immediately think to myself, "where are they coming from?". Chances are, they are unhappy with something in their own life and are taking it out on me. In school, many who teach are frustrated because they aren't artists-musicians-athletes-mathemticians-scientists and are actually resentful of more promising students who may become these things! They are not consciously aware of these feelings, but I've seen it too often to just be coincidence. Teachers are just people, there are some who do it for the love of education and some who do it for a paycheck. You can't base your image of yourself on what a few flawed indidviduals say, because it is very likely that they are only unhappy about their own place in the world. When you are less than your best, it is becuase you are unhappy with yourself as well, right?

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I've actually heard this alot of times, Jana ... for some reason, it's hard for me to take to heart, I guess because I take such shots so personally and deeply ... I do have my lazy moments, but usually, when I've worked hard on something ... something I've written, something I've created, I usually get this real giddy feeling ... I love creating, I love making things, writing, cooking, drawing, even if I know I'm not super great, it feels good. But ... when someone tears it down spitefully, it just really kills the emotion, and I have a hard time building myself back up to, yes, i DID do a great job, even if it wasn't perfect.

I'm still sorta awed by all this response ... I dunno what exactly was going through my head when I wrote the original post ... i felt alot of guilt, alot of sadness ... I was scared of what would be said in response. Thank you everyone for finding positives in this ... and if I did help make things more open ... than I guess I did something good ... right?
 
Ecchi,
Whether you realize it or not, the realizations you are addressing, both privately and here in public, have already made you better. It's not about the size of your penis, what you look like or what other people think of you. It's about what you feel about yourself. I admire your strength, your courage and your honesty. You are already more of a man than many out there in the world.

If we don't love ourselves, improve ourselves and grow as a human beings, we are too crippled to give love to someone else. You are learning to love yourself and your relationship(s) will only strengthen from this day forward.

Amazing and wonderful. Enjoy the journey.
 
joe22xxx: Wow, what an amazing post. I'm always touched by how the conversation about big dick sometimes ends up with people talking about their emotions on this site.
To Ecchi, the fears you have about other people judging you are real, and they're real painful. We guys don't do so well with hurt feelings. They make us feel so weak and powerless. I know about this because I've had a lot of feelings of hurt lately in my life. My response is usually to get really angry. But lately I've just been trying more to appreciate myself, and to love myself the way my family and friends love me. I look in the mirror and see a "sensitve" guy, and wonder if I'll ever get to the point where my emotions won't control my life. It's a long slow process, at least for me. I wish Ecchi all the best things.
Thanx for the honest words about yourself.

Joe
 
Ecchi--- That is great that your gf really knows the real you and her judgement of you is positive. I can understand how you might have a hard time accepting it because maybe you just don't agree. You two have different standards in which you judge yourself. Take her word for it, if she likes you, then that's good enough. What would happen if you changed yourself because you thought she'd like it better and she wound up not accepting that? If you are going to change yourself to suit other people's opinions then you will constantly be changing yourself. If you change yourself to suit your own opinion then you'll only have to do it once (or twice) and it won't matter if everyone else in the world accepts it because you will be able to see that its just about a difference of opinion. In my freshman year of art school I had this painting teacher named Tobi Kahn. He was my first "fine art" painting instructor and when we would have ctritiques he would start by analyzing the technical aspects of your piece, then when that was done he would say "I don't like this," or "I don't like that, but its just a taste issue. If YOU like it, keep it."
That's how it is with ourselves. You said that creating gives you enjoyment, but when other people criticize whatever you've created it crushes you. I suggest you look into your motivations for creating. If you are creating it so you will get admiration from others, then this will always happen. SOme people will like it, some won't. You can't please everyone with the same thing, people are too diverse for that. But if you create truly for yourself and your own fulfillment, then other people tastes won't matter so much to you; they will become secondary, their acceptance will become a bonus on top of the acceptance you have for yourself.
 
I do enjoy creating ... like I said, it's simply a problem I have of taking critiques ... I'm kinda over sensitive that way.

This is turning into a very interesting thread for me ... it's allowing me to look at myself and work out some old emotional issues and problems ...

Oh, btw, GBO ... *HUGGLES* Thank you for your intelligent and helpful words .... :D
 
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