The unsatisfied bottom...

[793555]

Fellow bottoms. Have you ever dealt with a top who just did next to nothing for you? Either he's not hitting any of the spots, is so self absorbed, or in a recent example, decided jerking off is better than topping (excuse my bitterness).

How do you handle a bad top?

 

[Dutchstud]

I am a top but my fun is exactly in bringing pleasure to BOTH of us. That is also why I have problems with bottoms already having the legs wide when I enter the room. Come on... Maybe you were not really attracted but nevertheless gave him entrance to your velvet rose? ;-)

 

[keenobserver]

If the bottom does not tell us he isn't happy it is on him. Sex between two people is better when everyone makes an effort. Don't be afraid to speak up.

 

[deleted972421]

Just because someone is a bottom doesn't mean he can just lay there and do nothing. That's terribly boring for both of us!

 

[793555]

So to explain a little further, I recently slept with a gentleman with whom I felt a lot of chemistry. But during sex, I got bored laying on my stomach with him on top, and expressed, hey maybe face each other. I tried to climbing on top of him to ride him but he quickly became soft. After that he just jerked to completion. It was a pretty one sided event.

I prefer not to just "lay there and do nothing" as it's not fun. Sex should be mutual but why do tops sometimes feel this sense of entitlement? Why is sex sometimes so one sided?

 

[keenobserver]

So to explain a little further, I recently slept with a gentleman with whom I felt a lot of chemistry. But during sex, I got bored laying on my stomach with him on top, and expressed, hey maybe face each other. I tried to climbing on top of him to ride him but he quickly became soft. After that he just jerked to completion. It was a pretty one sided event.

I prefer not to just "lay there and do nothing" as it's not fun. Sex should be mutual but why do tops sometimes feel this sense of entitlement? Why is sex sometimes so one sided?

You raise some excellent points. I can't speak for everyone, or every situation, but some people are of limited imagination, others don't like to talk about anything sexual, then there is a selfish faction that is just looking out for themselves. Some guys feel a sense of shame and don't like to see their partner as an equal. It is complicated at times -and I hope that is changing.

When I was getting out and about, I was reluctant to say anything. I just more or less offered myself up and took my chances. It was often less than I hoped for. Over time I started speaking up and realizing I had a vote in the transaction too. Sometimes that meant a guy said "no thanks." Live and learn is all we can do.

In you mentioned experience, I think you did the right thing but sadly it did not work out. His loss (well, in that case yours too). When I'm with a new partner I like to have a quiet time - usually with a drink and talk to the guy about what he likes, what I like and how we can make it work out for each of us. It surprises me how many guys don't talk about it, or never have beyond, "Will you fuck me?"

Dan Savage's columns are helpful in that regard - he has often talked about being game (open to try new things) and being giving (making sure you consider your partner's needs).

 

[jpk338]

I was with a guy one time,also many times after the first. We were hot and heavy. He was fucking me and all of a sudden he went limp. I asked if everything was ok, he said Yes, but had a very trying week. His job was in jeopardy, his Mom was sick. He apologized. I said it was Ok. No problem. We ended up giving each other a massage with a happy ending. There are situations in life that require you to change and search for a new solution .
i use to have a bf who was terrible at sex. He had a bad upbringing where sex was frond upon. Gay sex forbidden.It took him awhile,but now he could be in porn. Good luck and always take care of your partner.

 

[hvdude]

That happens to everyone. I had fuck buddy but it was one sided and we only ever fucked once, other times it was me going down on him. He would cum, go to the bathroom, wash up and essentially ask me to leave. I would get back in my car feeling almost dirty. Finally I had the balls to dump him. I've also been with guys that thought they were doing me a favor by letting me have sex with them. So yes, it does exist. You have to communicate and tell him what you want. If he's not into that, move on. But if he doesn't know you feel that way how can you expect him to change?

 

[Auggiecakes]

i get up, get dressed, and leave. I don;t care if they ask me to stay or not, I let them know that I'm not enjoying myself and that its best not to see each other again.

 

[Fanon]

How do you handle a bad top?

I kick them out...

 

[bi_todd]

I tried to climbing on top of him to ride him but he quickly became soft.

I think you hit the nail on the head with this statement. We all have our favorite positions. Some positions work well for us and some do not - it's an individual thing.

Personally, when I am topping I really dislike having a bottom ride me like I'm a human dildo. I need to be engaged in the thrusting motion to keep my erection going. Perhaps your "gentleman" feels the same way.

After that he just jerked to completion.

I can imagine that he felt self-conscious or embarrassed about losing his erection and just wanted bring things to a conclusion.

It was a pretty one sided event.

There are always at least two sides to every story. I'd be curious to know his interpretation of things.

I was with a guy one time, also many times after the first. We were hot and heavy. He was fucking me and all of a sudden he went limp. I asked if everything was ok, he said Yes, but had a very trying week. His job was in jeopardy, his Mom was sick. He apologized. I said it was Ok. No problem. We ended up giving each other a massage with a happy ending. There are situations in life that require you to change and search for a new solution.

This example highlights how communication and understanding during sex can bring about a good outcome.

I had fuck buddy but it was one sided and we only ever fucked once, other times it was me going down on him. He would cum, go to the bathroom, wash up and essentially ask me to leave. I would get back in my car feeling almost dirty. Finally I had the balls to dump him. I've also been with guys that thought they were doing me a favor by letting me have sex with them. So yes, it does exist.

I've also had sex with such people. I won't go so far as to call them jerks, but their approach to sex is very different than my own. They are communicating what they want (cum and go), and so my job is to communicate what I want (love making) - and walk away if there is no acceptable resolution.

You have to communicate and tell him what you want. If he's not into that, move on. But if he doesn't know you feel that way how can you expect him to change?

Bingo!

 

[malakos]

i get up, get dressed, and leave. I don;t care if they ask me to stay or not, I let them know that I'm not enjoying myself and that its best not to see each other again.

I kick them out...

So basically performance issues = don't treat him with basic human decency

Awesome!

 

[Fanon]

So basically performance issues = don't treat him with basic human decency

Awesome!

 

[Heat]

I rarely bottom, but I recently did so after chatting with the guy online for over a year. The first time was in a business office, after hours. He was hot, the scene was hot, but I didn't get really cranked yet let him continue till he came. We played a second time at his condo... and he had this "porn scene" in his head and it was just bad sex, though he thought he was the king of lovers.
After the second time, I realized that he uses this porn scene scenario because
1) I think he's afraid of intimacy. And by that I don't mean that it should be "let's fall in love" -- just a connection.
2) he feels a bit intimidated by perhaps my physical appearance (I don't mean that I'm a drop to your knees model, but ... well...) and my international success in the arts, and so he uses aggression to proof he's a "top",
3) I suspect he's very versatile and is probably afraid of what that means for him, at least in a "FB situation."

I'd be up for playing with him again as we do get along and he's a hot guy, but it won't happen without some serious conversation.
Conclusion: I hate it when a guy or woman has a definitive scene in his/her head about what the sex should be like and tries to play it out.

 

[malakos]

How am I supposed to know? Plenty of gays actually act like that.

 

[Fanon]

How am I supposed to know? Plenty of gays actually act like that.

Unfortunate yet true. But for clarity I wouldn't actually kick a bad top out...I'd try to nonchalantly give him some cues that he's not hitting it right.

 

[deleted808122]

I had an experience where a top "advertised" himself as considerably more hung than he was, and Drumpfed it up even more when chatting. Given the propensity to exaggerate on A4A, I should have expected he was taking poetic license. When he arrived and we got dressed, and it became rapidly apparrent that my 7 incher overshadowed his 9er, he switched into get in/get off/get out mode. Rather than "kick him out" I did my best to please him, but it wasn't happening.

Rule of thumb - recognize we all have feelings, and act accordingly. I never went back to check and see if he adjusted his profile.
I just hope he wised up and things have gone better for him since.

 

[Auggiecakes]

So basically performance issues = don't treat him with basic human decency

Awesome!

define performance issues.

 

[musclebunz]

I have a thing with tops, for example. I meet one that i fucked good for a long time. THen he pulled out and came on my ass. I rolled over and started to rub my cock, kind of hinting to him its my turn, get me off. He said just dont come on the couch and expected me to get my self off.

I meet him one more time, and when I was ready to cum I got on top and rode him and gave him the biggest facial ever, I am a big cummer. Then got off and told him sorry after I cum I am not longer in the mood to bottom and walked off. I got a bunch of nasty texts that night lol but it was worth it.

 

[Heat]

I have a thing with tops, for example. I meet one that i fucked good for a long time. THen he pulled out and came on my ass. I rolled over and started to rub my cock, kind of hinting to him its my turn, get me off. He said just dont come on the couch and expected me to get my self off.

I meet him one more time, and when I was ready to cum I got on top and rode him and gave him the biggest facial ever, I am a big cummer. Then got off and told him sorry after I cum I am not longer in the mood to bottom and walked off. I got a bunch of nasty texts that night lol but it was worth it.

Good for you. Too bad you didn't use the texting for a teaching moment, saying something like: "Your lack of concern about me/my enjoyment the first time we played made me realize that what we were doing was just using each other...the first one who got off was allowed to get going without caring or worrying about the other...so, now you know...you get what you give."