I think that this is a topic that seems to be very important in gay couples. I just happened to have this exact conversation with my friend last week. With gay guys we not only have to sort out the top and bottom stuff, but really we have to openly and honestly discuss a lot of the specifics before things go beyond a few dates. Oral/anal/aggressive/submissive/loud/quiet/bareback/safe...etc While there are so many different things to try, there are the meat and potatoes sex acts that we all prefer. Someone who is anally orgasmic is going to have a lot of disappointment being long term with someone who really isn't into anal.
What also seems to add to this is the hang ups so many of have or have had about being gay in the first place. Some people wake up, this is it and I am cool with it. A lot of us took years to become OK with it. Some are still in various stages in between. This shows up as how they deal with it after orgasm. Not to say there is a shortage of jerks that just want to hit it and quit it, but in many cases when someone who isn't totally OK with their homosexuality cums, they immediately just want to run away.
This completely described me as a teenager, I called it the post cum horror. As soon as I came, I just wanted to run away the situation as fast and as far as I could. It had nothing to do with him at all. I was totally embarrassed and disgusted with myself and the fact i was having sex with a guy. Sometimes I could keep myself calm enough to finish him off with a hand job, but this was all show. I was so repulsed by still having to touch a guy at all I would dry heave at the texture and the temperature of the cum. It was even worse if they were fucking me. I would have these absolutely incredible full body total orgasms, and then as soon as it was over I wanted them out of me. With some guys seeing me seeing me writhing in in orgasm would make them cum, which was great. With others, seeing me totally get off was like a permission slip for their own orgasm, and they would come shortly after I did, but before post cum horror took over. Some guys thought that was a great start and just kept going and going. Sometimes it was like being raped by an animal. The idea of their cock inside me was awful, it was disgusting. Sometimes it was so bad I was just balling. Thankfully I got over it.
The point is that we each have some basic sex acts that we like, and everything else seems to be "OK if it makes you happy" stuff. We also seem to find a lot of us have various degrees of baggage about same sex stuff. The real trick is finding someone who rings their bell by doing what rings your bell. That seems elusive and rare. It seems to be compromise and tolerance. It is definitely not easy. I wonder if straight couples have these issues?