What A Mess: Betrayal

[Sklar]

Chapter 48



We break the hug and sit back down.

All of us lost in our thoughts.

Sitting there, Paul just looks…stronger. He holds Lisa’s hand but not with the death grip he had at the start of it. He is sitting up straighter. His face, though flushed from emotions, is just…stronger.

By letting go of his fear, the weight of it is no longer holding him down. He is, for the first time, in a long time, no longer hiding who he is. And that makes all the difference in the world.

Lisa, too, is sitting up straighter. This is no longer just her secret to carry. This burden is no longer hers.

It’s ours.

And speaking of secrets and burdens…

Sigh

It’s time for the rest of us to unload ours.

“Paul,” I say, “or should I say Michael?”

“Paul, please,” he says. “It’s just too confusing otherwise.”

“Paul,” I say, as confirmation, nodding my head, “I am so sorry about all the crap you and, you, too, Lisa, had to go through. It boggles my mind just thinking about it. But we all know secrets come with a price.”

“What are you getting at, Jimmie?” Paul says, looking at me. His mind is still as sharp as ever, regardless of the emotional turmoil that he just went through.

“There is more going on than just the affair, Paul, Lisa,” I say, looking at the two of them, gently taking their hands into mine. Matt starts to squirm as he sits next to Paul. Char is still in professional mode.

“You said that there were things that Lisa and I need to know, when we were in Josh’s office the day after the fight,” Paul said, nodding his head. Lisa looks at me, studying me.

“Correct,” I say. Taking a deep breath, I continue, “it’s the Law of Unintended Consequences.”

“Unintended consequences,” Paul says, beneath his breath. Lisa is obviously thinking about that, too. “I understand what you’re trying to say, Jimmie, but I need more context.”

I let out a deep breath.

“The affair wasn’t as secret as the three of you thought,” I say, keeping my face neutral but looking at Paul and Lisa. Matt starts to squirm more, next to his father.

“It wasn’t?” Lisa asks, shocked. “Who else knew about it?”

“Lisa and Char talked at the FBI,” Paul says, musing.

“We always made sure to be by ourselves or in the car,” Lisa said, “as we talked about it. There’s no way the leak happened there.”

“So it has to be on the Psy Ops side,” Paul says, musing. “But people would have gossiped about it. I never heard a peep. The major would have certainly said something if he had heard of it. He’s very big on family. Sandoval and Gomez, while they are great at keeping classified secrets secret, they can’t keep gossip secret. Robbins, no way. So someone not from the office.” Paul turns towards Josh. “Josh, you always seem to know more about what’s going on than most people do. Is it you?”

“I did know about the affair,” Josh confirms, “but only after you all had that fight. James told me the whole truth about what was going on when we met at the hotel he was staying at. It was someone else that found out.”

“Someone else?” Lisa repeats, thinking in her head.

“It’s someone you know, Josh,” Paul says, looking at him, taking his hand back and rubbing his chin. “And someone we all know, too. It can’t be someone from your old unit. None of us actually interacted with them. Especially our wives. So that leaves them out. So it has to be someone closer to home, that’s not in our office.”

Jesus, I thought I was good at assembling random bits of information. Paul is so close.

"Char,” Lisa says, “you’re not surprised by this.”

“I was surprised when Jim told me about it,” Char says. “I never expected this to get so out of hand. And I certainly didn’t expect what happened because of that. I didn’t tell you, Lisa, because Jim and I wanted to have everyone here. So we could get everything out in the open.”

“So closer to home,” Lisa says, taking her hand back from mine and then drumming her fingers on her left leg, “but not FBI or Psy Ops…”

As one, Paul and Lisa turn to look at their son.

“Matthew?” they ask. I have to give Matt credit. As soon as they looked at him, he stopped fidgeting and sat up straighter.

“Yes,” he confirms to them, “I knew about the affair, almost from the beginning of it.”

“How?” Lisa asks. “We were careful to cover our tracks.”

“It was actually you, Mother,” Matt says, “that I found out from.”

“How?” Lisa asks, again.

“Phoebeannmoses1860,” Matt says.

Lisa just cocks her head at Matt. Not understanding.

“What does one of my old passwords have to do with…” Lisa starts to ask. “You hacked my password? Why did you do that? How did you do that?”

“Honestly, mother,” Matt says, “it wasn’t difficult. I had heard you mumbling and when you left for the bathroom, I glanced at your notes. Then I went back to my bedroom and started to work on it like it was a word puzzle. After you had gone to bed, I went to your phone and started using the variations I had thought of. It was the sixth version that worked.”

“Phoebe Ann Moses?” Char asks, looking at Lisa. “I am not familiar with that name. Why did you choose that? Was she a friend of yours? Born January 8, 1960?”

Is she a relative of Lisa’s? 1960? That would have her born prior to when my mother was born.

“No, Char,” Lisa says with a lopsided smile, “you would know her as Annie Oakley. One of the best trick shooters in American history. Born in 1860. Not 1-8-60.”

“Can we focus, please?” Paul asks, looking at Matt. “Son, why did you hack your mother’s phone?”

“Because I was bored, dad,” Matt says, sighing. “You don’t seem to understand how bored I was back then. There wasn’t anything that was a challenge to me, mentally. You both know I remember everything. I can look at a textbook, a magazine, even webpage addresses and repeat them perfectly. Outside of running, nothing challenged me, at least, mentally. I thought this would be a good challenge for me. Sorry, mother, it wasn’t. I hacked the code. Then I checked again a few days later, actually, two days later, there was the text from Jim: “I hope I didn’t wear you out too badly. That’s how a real man fucks a woman.” That’s how I found out about it.”

Fuck. I remember that text. It was after the second time Lisa and I hooked up. I was such a condescending ass, back then.

“So you sat on this information all this time?” Paul asks, not getting distracted. “That doesn’t make any sense. From what Jim has said and what Josh implied, there’s more to it than you knowing it was happening.”

“I got pissed, Dad,” Matt says a bit angrily. “It was six weeks after you came back from grandfather and grandmother’s home and cut all contact with them. Then you and mom told me you had a fight but wouldn’t tell me what it was about. Life was getting miserable at home. You and mom were tense with each other. Not angry but not happy, either. I felt that anything I would say or do would piss both of you off more. And no one would tell me why this was happening. Then on April 12 of that year, mom was suddenly all happy and calm. Then things started getting back to normal. And you were happy. Mom was happy.”

Both Lisa and Paul blanch a little at what Matt is saying. Both radiate guilt about the deception. They obviously never thought Matt had a clue as to what was going on. Which just goes to show how much they severely underestimated Matt. Just like I did.

“But I was pissed. Here you are, having just come home from your parents and you cut contact with them, our lives got more and more miserable. Then mom decided to have an affair, which I thought was behind your back, so she could be happy. But she was betraying you. But you were happy and didn’t have a clue. Life did get better for us. But all because she cheated on you. And you were oblivious to it. At least I thought that, at that time. So I wanted to get something out of it, too,” Matt says, cooling down a bit.

“What did you want, son?” Paul asks. Lisa hasn’t said a word since Matt started talking, but I can feel her shame like heat rising off her skin, not defensive, just... sad. It’s obvious that neither of them thought that Matt would catch on to the affair.

Silence as Matt looks away. His emotions are actually pretty steady right now. Just all jumbling together: Anger, love, lust, honor, responsibility, sadness, disappointment in his parents. Disappointment in himself. He had just come to terms with this last night. And with what he learned today about the true origin of the affair, while it helps to put it into context, still doesn’t make three years’ worth of emotions go away.

“I can tell you that, Paul,” I say, quietly, as Paul turns to meet my gaze.

“Why would you know what Matthew wanted, Jimmie?” Paul asks confused. Lisa is just as equally confused.

“Because Matt came over to talk to me, one night, while Char and Lisa were working late and you were in Virginia for training,” I say. Josh turns to look at me. I hold up my hand to Josh and say, “I’m not equivocating, Josh. I am going to tell him.” Josh keeps looking at me, then nods his head and turns back to Paul and Lisa.

“Josh, you know what Matthew wanted?” Paul asks him.

“I found out at the hotel, Paul,” Josh says quietly. “But it’s up to Matt and Jim to tell you that.”

“Why?” Paul asks. “Why can’t you tell us that?”

“For the same reason only you could tell us that you are Michael,” Josh says softly. “It’s not my secret to tell.”

“But this still doesn’t make any sense,” Paul says, confused. “Matt found out about the affair three years ago but waited until a month and a half ago to talk to you, Jimmie? What am I missing?”

“Context, dad,” Matt says, drawing attention back to himself, letting his emotions simmer, but not getting the best of him, like they did when he asked me to run away with him. I am very proud of him, right now, for the growth he is showing. “I felt that if I had confronted Jim at that time, he would have blown me off, as I was a minor, even though I had evidence of the affair. I felt he could somehow get out of whatever trouble would come of it, because I was a minor. I didn’t go to Major Rababbi because, again, I thought he wouldn’t believe me and Jim being as decorated as he is, the army would make it go away. I just didn’t think I would be credible, as a minor. So I started to plan.”

“What did you plan, son?” Paul says. Worry. Confusion. Angst. Curiosity. All of those radiate from Paul. Lisa is very, very invested in this. She opens her mouth, like she’s about to say something, but when she catches Matt’s expression, she closes it. Her question can wait, apparently.

“I wanted to be sure I was ready for what I had planned, dad,” Matt says, looking him directly in the eyes. “That’s why I asked you about the required reading for Psy Ops. I wanted to read all the books that you and Jim read, so I can get a better understanding of his mental processes. As I planned out more and more scenarios, I needed more books and training. But I didn’t grasp a lot of subtleties of those books. That’s why I asked you for context and help in understanding them. Mother helped, too.”

“But what did you want to ask Jim? Why did you go through all of this to get it?” Paul asks, again, confused. Lisa is looking at Matt. She slowly starts to radiate awe. I think that now, after all these years, she is finally understanding exactly what his memory can do.

“Dad,” Matt says, with a sigh. “What was the one embarrassing thing I came to you with, back then, asking for help on?”

Paul sits back a moment and thinks back to that time frame. Then his eyebrows raise.

“Um, do you want me to say that out loud son?” Paul says, clearly embarrassed.

“We already know about Matt’s endowment, Paul,” I say with a smile. Char and Josh nod their heads in agreement.

“How do you know about that, Jimmie?” Paul asks, turning towards me. “How do all of you know about that?”

“It’s one of the things that he wanted to talk to me about, that night he came over,” I say with a sigh. “Did you really tell him that somebody had to be the biggest, without helping him to cope with that?”

“What was I supposed to say, Jimmie?” Paul asks, getting over the embarrassment of the topic. “At that time, he was actually bigger than me, in that regard. It’s not like there are self-help books for that. I was proud for him, but I couldn’t actually give him advise on that.”

“And that’s one of the things I wanted to talk to Jim about,” Matt said.

“No, Matt,” Josh says, speaking up. “That’s not the main truth. That was a sub-truth. Just as Paul was wrong for shielding you from what actually happened with his parents, this is equally wrong, too. He must know the real reason you went to see Jim that night.”

Matt looks at Josh. Annoyance warring with fear.

Silence.

After a moment, both disappear, replaced by resignation.

“I understand, Josh,” Matt says with a sigh. “I will get to it. I promise. I need to let him know the reasons why. And one of those reasons is that I had to be an adult for him to believe me and take me seriously.”

“Take you seriously for what, Matthew?” Paul says, getting annoyed. “To talk about your dick size? You couldn’t have talked to a biology teacher? The school nurse?” Paul asks, looking at him. “That seems more practical.”

“They were strangers, dad,” Matt said. “Even when I went to my physicals, for running, the doctors and nurses would comment on it. But, since I was a healthy, growing kid, they just told me how lucky I was. They still didn’t give me any practical advice. Then when Jim texted some nude pictures of himself to mom, that’s when I knew I had someone to talk to. He was bigger than me. He could give me advice on my dick.”

“Then why did you wait three years for that?” Paul asks. Lisa is still feeling sadness, with some regret. She is now seeing how much the manipulation had impacted Matt. But, at the same time, she is seeing him in a new light. She is seeing just how effective his memory can be when he applies himself.

“Jim,” Matt says, addressing me, but still looking at Paul, “if I came to you at age 15 and started asking you questions about your dick and size and advice on mine, what would you have done?”

“I would have kicked you out and stayed away from you,” I say. “I am not talking sex and dick size with a minor.”

“There you go,” Matt says. “I had to wait until I was an adult to do this. And I had other plans, too.”

“What other plans?” Paul asks.

“I wanted revenge,” Matt says, calmly. I’ll have a burger, milkshake and a side of revenge. Lisa radiates shock. Paul is clearly surprised. “Here we were, still reeling from what happened with grandfather and grandmother, and mom goes and starts an affair. I was pissed. But you were oblivious and life at home was getting better because of the affair. I thought you thought you were the reason why things were getting better. And, I guess that’s actually true with what I know now. But back then, I honestly thought you were clueless. So it was up to me to defend your honor. And get something for myself, too. It was a win/win.”

“What did you want, son?” Paul says, getting annoyed for having to repeat himself over and over.

“I wanted Jim, dad,” Matt says. “I wanted him under my control. I wanted him as my personal servant. My personal sex toy. I wanted him to know that he fucked with the wrong man’s wife.”

 

[ndamood4sum]

Chapter 48



We break the hug and sit back down.

All of us lost in our thoughts.

Sitting there, Paul just looks…stronger. He holds Lisa’s hand but not with the death grip he had at the start of it. He is sitting up straighter. His face, though flushed from emotions, is just…stronger.

By letting go of his fear, the weight of it is no longer holding him down. He is, for the first time, in a long time, no longer hiding who he is. And that makes all the difference in the world.

Lisa, too, is sitting up straighter. This is no longer just her secret to carry. This burden is no longer hers.

It’s ours.

And speaking of secrets and burdens…

Sigh

It’s time for the rest of us to unload ours.

“Paul,” I say, “or should I say Michael?”

“Paul, please,” he says. “It’s just too confusing otherwise.”

“Paul,” I say, as confirmation, nodding my head, “I am so sorry about all the crap you and, you, too, Lisa, had to go through. It boggles my mind just thinking about it. But we all know secrets come with a price.”

“What are you getting at, Jimmie?” Paul says, looking at me. His mind is still as sharp as ever, regardless of the emotional turmoil that he just went through.

“There is more going on than just the affair, Paul, Lisa,” I say, looking at the two of them, gently taking their hands into mine. Matt starts to squirm as he sits next to Paul. Char is still in professional mode.

“You said that there were things that Lisa and I need to know, when we were in Josh’s office the day after the fight,” Paul said, nodding his head. Lisa looks at me, studying me.

“Correct,” I say. Taking a deep breath, I continue, “it’s the Law of Unintended Consequences.”

“Unintended consequences,” Paul says, beneath his breath. Lisa is obviously thinking about that, too. “I understand what you’re trying to say, Jimmie, but I need more context.”

I let out a deep breath.

“The affair wasn’t as secret as the three of you thought,” I say, keeping my face neutral but looking at Paul and Lisa. Matt starts to squirm more, next to his father.

“It wasn’t?” Lisa asks, shocked. “Who else knew about it?”

“Lisa and Char talked at the FBI,” Paul says, musing.

“We always made sure to be by ourselves or in the car,” Lisa said, “as we talked about it. There’s no way the leak happened there.”

“So it has to be on the Psy Ops side,” Paul says, musing. “But people would have gossiped about it. I never heard a peep. The major would have certainly said something if he had heard of it. He’s very big on family. Sandoval and Gomez, while they are great at keeping classified secrets secret, they can’t keep gossip secret. Robbins, no way. So someone not from the office.” Paul turns towards Josh. “Josh, you always seem to know more about what’s going on than most people do. Is it you?”

“I did know about the affair,” Josh confirms, “but only after you all had that fight. James told me the whole truth about what was going on when we met at the hotel he was staying at. It was someone else that found out.”

“Someone else?” Lisa repeats, thinking in her head.

“It’s someone you know, Josh,” Paul says, looking at him, taking his hand back and rubbing his chin. “And someone we all know, too. It can’t be someone from your old unit. None of us actually interacted with them. Especially our wives. So that leaves them out. So it has to be someone closer to home, that’s not in our office.”

Jesus, I thought I was good at assembling random bits of information. Paul is so close.

"Char,” Lisa says, “you’re not surprised by this.”

“I was surprised when Jim told me about it,” Char says. “I never expected this to get so out of hand. And I certainly didn’t expect what happened because of that. I didn’t tell you, Lisa, because Jim and I wanted to have everyone here. So we could get everything out in the open.”

“So closer to home,” Lisa says, taking her hand back from mine and then drumming her fingers on her left leg, “but not FBI or Psy Ops…”

As one, Paul and Lisa turn to look at their son.

“Matthew?” they ask. I have to give Matt credit. As soon as they looked at him, he stopped fidgeting and sat up straighter.

“Yes,” he confirms to them, “I knew about the affair, almost from the beginning of it.”

“How?” Lisa asks. “We were careful to cover our tracks.”

“It was actually you, Mother,” Matt says, “that I found out from.”

“How?” Lisa asks, again.

“Phoebeannmoses1860,” Matt says.

Lisa just cocks her head at Matt. Not understanding.

“What does one of my old passwords have to do with…” Lisa starts to ask. “You hacked my password? Why did you do that? How did you do that?”

“Honestly, mother,” Matt says, “it wasn’t difficult. I had heard you mumbling and when you left for the bathroom, I glanced at your notes. Then I went back to my bedroom and started to work on it like it was a word puzzle. After you had gone to bed, I went to your phone and started using the variations I had thought of. It was the sixth version that worked.”

“Phoebe Ann Moses?” Char asks, looking at Lisa. “I am not familiar with that name. Why did you choose that? Was she a friend of yours? Born January 8, 1960?”

Is she a relative of Lisa’s? 1960? That would have her born prior to when my mother was born.

“No, Char,” Lisa says with a lopsided smile, “you would know her as Annie Oakley. One of the best trick shooters in American history. Born in 1860. Not 1-8-60.”

“Can we focus, please?” Paul asks, looking at Matt. “Son, why did you hack your mother’s phone?”

“Because I was bored, dad,” Matt says, sighing. “You don’t seem to understand how bored I was back then. There wasn’t anything that was a challenge to me, mentally. You both know I remember everything. I can look at a textbook, a magazine, even webpage addresses and repeat them perfectly. Outside of running, nothing challenged me, at least, mentally. I thought this would be a good challenge for me. Sorry, mother, it wasn’t. I hacked the code. Then I checked again a few days later, actually, two days later, there was the text from Jim: “I hope I didn’t wear you out too badly. That’s how a real man fucks a woman.” That’s how I found out about it.”

Fuck. I remember that text. It was after the second time Lisa and I hooked up. I was such a condescending ass, back then.

“So you sat on this information all this time?” Paul asks, not getting distracted. “That doesn’t make any sense. From what Jim has said and what Josh implied, there’s more to it than you knowing it was happening.”

“I got pissed, Dad,” Matt says a bit angrily. “It was six weeks after you came back from grandfather and grandmother’s home and cut all contact with them. Then you and mom told me you had a fight but wouldn’t tell me what it was about. Life was getting miserable at home. You and mom were tense with each other. Not angry but not happy, either. I felt that anything I would say or do would piss both of you off more. And no one would tell me why this was happening. Then on April 12 of that year, mom was suddenly all happy and calm. Then things started getting back to normal. And you were happy. Mom was happy.”

Both Lisa and Paul blanch a little at what Matt is saying. Both radiate guilt about the deception. They obviously never thought Matt had a clue as to what was going on. Which just goes to show how much they severely underestimated Matt. Just like I did.

“But I was pissed. Here you are, having just come home from your parents and you cut contact with them, our lives got more and more miserable. Then mom decided to have an affair, which I thought was behind your back, so she could be happy. But she was betraying you. But you were happy and didn’t have a clue. Life did get better for us. But all because she cheated on you. And you were oblivious to it. At least I thought that, at that time. So I wanted to get something out of it, too,” Matt says, cooling down a bit.

“What did you want, son?” Paul asks. Lisa hasn’t said a word since Matt started talking, but I can feel her shame like heat rising off her skin, not defensive, just... sad. It’s obvious that neither of them thought that Matt would catch on to the affair.

Silence as Matt looks away. His emotions are actually pretty steady right now. Just all jumbling together: Anger, love, lust, honor, responsibility, sadness, disappointment in his parents. Disappointment in himself. He had just come to terms with this last night. And with what he learned today about the true origin of the affair, while it helps to put it into context, still doesn’t make three years’ worth of emotions go away.

“I can tell you that, Paul,” I say, quietly, as Paul turns to meet my gaze.

“Why would you know what Matthew wanted, Jimmie?” Paul asks confused. Lisa is just as equally confused.

“Because Matt came over to talk to me, one night, while Char and Lisa were working late and you were in Virginia for training,” I say. Josh turns to look at me. I hold up my hand to Josh and say, “I’m not equivocating, Josh. I am going to tell him.” Josh keeps looking at me, then nods his head and turns back to Paul and Lisa.

“Josh, you know what Matthew wanted?” Paul asks him.

“I found out at the hotel, Paul,” Josh says quietly. “But it’s up to Matt and Jim to tell you that.”

“Why?” Paul asks. “Why can’t you tell us that?”

“For the same reason only you could tell us that you are Michael,” Josh says softly. “It’s not my secret to tell.”

“But this still doesn’t make any sense,” Paul says, confused. “Matt found out about the affair three years ago but waited until a month and a half ago to talk to you, Jimmie? What am I missing?”

“Context, dad,” Matt says, drawing attention back to himself, letting his emotions simmer, but not getting the best of him, like they did when he asked me to run away with him. I am very proud of him, right now, for the growth he is showing. “I felt that if I had confronted Jim at that time, he would have blown me off, as I was a minor, even though I had evidence of the affair. I felt he could somehow get out of whatever trouble would come of it, because I was a minor. I didn’t go to Major Rababbi because, again, I thought he wouldn’t believe me and Jim being as decorated as he is, the army would make it go away. I just didn’t think I would be credible, as a minor. So I started to plan.”

“What did you plan, son?” Paul says. Worry. Confusion. Angst. Curiosity. All of those radiate from Paul. Lisa is very, very invested in this. She opens her mouth, like she’s about to say something, but when she catches Matt’s expression, she closes it. Her question can wait, apparently.

“I wanted to be sure I was ready for what I had planned, dad,” Matt says, looking him directly in the eyes. “That’s why I asked you about the required reading for Psy Ops. I wanted to read all the books that you and Jim read, so I can get a better understanding of his mental processes. As I planned out more and more scenarios, I needed more books and training. But I didn’t grasp a lot of subtleties of those books. That’s why I asked you for context and help in understanding them. Mother helped, too.”

“But what did you want to ask Jim? Why did you go through all of this to get it?” Paul asks, again, confused. Lisa is looking at Matt. She slowly starts to radiate awe. I think that now, after all these years, she is finally understanding exactly what his memory can do.

“Dad,” Matt says, with a sigh. “What was the one embarrassing thing I came to you with, back then, asking for help on?”

Paul sits back a moment and thinks back to that time frame. Then his eyebrows raise.

“Um, do you want me to say that out loud son?” Paul says, clearly embarrassed.

“We already know about Matt’s endowment, Paul,” I say with a smile. Char and Josh nod their heads in agreement.

“How do you know about that, Jimmie?” Paul asks, turning towards me. “How do all of you know about that?”

“It’s one of the things that he wanted to talk to me about, that night he came over,” I say with a sigh. “Did you really tell him that somebody had to be the biggest, without helping him to cope with that?”

“What was I supposed to say, Jimmie?” Paul asks, getting over the embarrassment of the topic. “At that time, he was actually bigger than me, in that regard. It’s not like there are self-help books for that. I was proud for him, but I couldn’t actually give him advise on that.”

“And that’s one of the things I wanted to talk to Jim about,” Matt said.

“No, Matt,” Josh says, speaking up. “That’s not the main truth. That was a sub-truth. Just as Paul was wrong for shielding you from what actually happened with his parents, this is equally wrong, too. He must know the real reason you went to see Jim that night.”

Matt looks at Josh. Annoyance warring with fear.

Silence.

After a moment, both disappear, replaced by resignation.

“I understand, Josh,” Matt says with a sigh. “I will get to it. I promise. I need to let him know the reasons why. And one of those reasons is that I had to be an adult for him to believe me and take me seriously.”

“Take you seriously for what, Matthew?” Paul says, getting annoyed. “To talk about your dick size? You couldn’t have talked to a biology teacher? The school nurse?” Paul asks, looking at him. “That seems more practical.”

“They were strangers, dad,” Matt said. “Even when I went to my physicals, for running, the doctors and nurses would comment on it. But, since I was a healthy, growing kid, they just told me how lucky I was. They still didn’t give me any practical advice. Then when Jim texted some nude pictures of himself to mom, that’s when I knew I had someone to talk to. He was bigger than me. He could give me advice on my dick.”

“Then why did you wait three years for that?” Paul asks. Lisa is still feeling sadness, with some regret. She is now seeing how much the manipulation had impacted Matt. But, at the same time, she is seeing him in a new light. She is seeing just how effective his memory can be when he applies himself.

“Jim,” Matt says, addressing me, but still looking at Paul, “if I came to you at age 15 and started asking you questions about your dick and size and advice on mine, what would you have done?”

“I would have kicked you out and stayed away from you,” I say. “I am not talking sex and dick size with a minor.”

“There you go,” Matt says. “I had to wait until I was an adult to do this. And I had other plans, too.”

“What other plans?” Paul asks.

“I wanted revenge,” Matt says, calmly. I’ll have a burger, milkshake and a side of revenge. Lisa radiates shock. Paul is clearly surprised. “Here we were, still reeling from what happened with grandfather and grandmother, and mom goes and starts an affair. I was pissed. But you were oblivious and life at home was getting better because of the affair. I thought you thought you were the reason why things were getting better. And, I guess that’s actually true with what I know now. But back then, I honestly thought you were clueless. So it was up to me to defend your honor. And get something for myself, too. It was a win/win.”

“What did you want, son?” Paul says, getting annoyed for having to repeat himself over and over.

“I wanted Jim, dad,” Matt says. “I wanted him under my control. I wanted him as my personal servant. My personal sex toy. I wanted him to know that he fucked with the wrong man’s wife.”

YES! Matt came out swinging with that last sentence!

Skylar, you really know you way around cliff hangers, don't you? I've liked this story from almost the beginning and now I sit here trying to figure out how to occupy mind mind until the next chapter.

 

[Sklar]

YES! Matt came out swinging with that last sentence!

Skylar, you really know you way around cliff hangers, don't you? I've liked this story from almost the beginning and now I sit here trying to figure out how to occupy mind mind until the next chapter.

Then you're going to absolutely love the next chapter!

Sklar

 

[PouletAuPoivre]

Great job, Sklar!

Especially with the slow build!

 

[PouletAuPoivre]

“Correct,” I say. Taking a deep breath, I continue, “it’s the Law of Unintended Consequences.”

“Unintended consequences,” Paul says, beneath his breath.

I don't know if you intended that as a laugh line, but I laughed.

“The affair wasn’t as secret as the three of you thought,” I say, keeping my face neutral but looking at Paul and Lisa. Matt starts to squirm more, next to his father.

That -- Lisa and Paul slowly figuring it out as Matt squirms -- is the slow build I like so much.

“Dad,” Matt says, with a sigh. “What was the one embarrassing thing I came to you with, back then, asking for help on?”

Paul sits back a moment and thinks back to that time frame. Then his eyebrows raise.

“Um, do you want me to say that out loud son?” Paul says, clearly embarrassed.

“We already know about Matt’s endowment, Paul,” I say with a smile. Char and Josh nod their heads in agreement.

Now that is a laugh line!

“Jim,” Matt says, addressing me, but still looking at Paul, “if I came to you at age 15 and started asking you questions about your dick and size and advice on mine, what would you have done?”

Very good detail.

“I wanted Jim, dad,” Matt says. “I wanted him under my control. I wanted him as my personal servant. My personal sex toy. I wanted him to know that he fucked with the wrong man’s wife.”

What I really like about this as a chapter ending is knowing that, with the way Matt phrased it, it's going to take Lisa a minute and Paul two minutes to process that Matt has been having sex with Jim. And then another 30 seconds to process that Matt has been domming Jim.

At some point Jim's and Lisa's heads are going to turn, in unison, to Charlotte -- which, if it were on a stage or screen, would make me burst out laughing.

And then poor Paul, when he puts all of it together and realizes that his precious son and the man he loves have been having sex with each other, and that both Jim's wife and the executive officer (Josh) have known about it, will have a meltdown.

I look forward to how Sklar narrates all this ...

 

[Sklar]

Chapter 49



“You what?” Paul asks, aghast. Even Lisa, with her awe of how Matt put this together, is shocked by what she heard.

“Just that,” Matt said. “I had a crush on Jim since we first moved in, five years ago. But I knew, even then, it was hopeless. I knew the reasons why and, logically, it made sense. But, damn it, I couldn’t help how I felt. Track certainly helped. The training. The gym. School was too simple for me. I breezed through everything because I remembered everything. Then puberty hit and I started to grow up. And I grew. And then I grew. It seemed that my dick grew faster than my body.

“I would get teased in the locker room. Guys would gossip about it in the hallway, with their friends. Then all the girls wanted to see it. Even some teachers would look at me weird. My dick became more popular than me, dad. I got lost, but my dick was everyone’s best friend. I thought having a big dick would help to get me laid. All it did was make me popular and turn me into a freak. Even though I knew I was gay, I wanted to get laid, and I didn’t care if it was guys or gals. And no guy seemed to want to do anything with me, except be my friend. And even then, I wasn’t sure if it was for real or not. The only one I trusted was Frank because he was honest with his hostility. And no, he’s not hostile now. We talked when I stayed at his place. He’s actually a pretty cool guy.

“But any sexual encounter I tried to have, ended with me embarrassed or frustrated. Then I found the text about the affair. My secret crush was having sex with my mother. And then I found out how big his dick is. It was an answer from heaven, dad. My crush, my neighbor has a dick bigger than mine! He knew what clothes would be best to wear because those tighty whitie underwear you and mom kept getting for me felt like they were cutting off the circulation to my dick and balls. They were horrible and uncomfortable. I couldn’t even sit at my desk without crushing my balls. But Jim, he knew how to use a big dick. He would understand the frustration I was having. How could I not take advantage of that? I would be a fool to let that opportunity go to waste.

“And it was an opportunity, dad. It worked on so many different levels: I got a big, dicked mentor. I got a real live sex toy. I got to control my crush. I got to live out all my sexual fantasies. I just had to wait until I was eighteen. Because who fucks over their friend, let alone their best friend? Jim deserved what I was going to do to him. You had such a bad experience with your parents. I, as your son, could at least protect your honor, because your wife decided to have sex with Jim.

“And, mom, try as I might, I couldn’t sustain my anger at you, for starting the affair. I was actually grateful. It’s because of you that I got to make my fantasy come true. And now I know that it’s because of you, dad and Char, that I got to make my fantasy come true. This past Monday, I wasn’t yelling at you two for setting up the affair. How could I be mad at something that actually benefitted me? I was mad at you two for completely hiding it from me. Do you know how much that hurt me? I remember everything. Everything, mom and dad. Yet, I have no memory of either of you plotting this. You completely had me fooled. And that’s what hurt me the most. The people I loved the most hid things from me. You didn’t trust me enough to let me know the truth.

“So I ran. I ran to the last person I thought you would think of. And while I was there, I decided that if I couldn’t trust you, I couldn’t live with you. So I called grandfather and grandmother. And they were so kind. So understanding. Of course, they said I could stay with them as long as I wanted. Understand this, I only wanted to stay with them until I went away to college. I figured if I could handle and control Jim, that I could handle a couple of old people for the few months left of summer.

“You must believe me, if I knew then, what I know now of them, I would never have called them. I know I fucked up with that. And I’m sorry about that. But what else was I supposed to do? I couldn’t stay with Frank and Miranda for the rest of the year. They didn’t deserve that. I didn’t want to stay with you two, that’s for damn certain. I didn’t want to stay with Jim or Char, because they live next door. You would be over here all the time trying to talk to me. And I didn’t want anything to do with either of you. How could I trust you?

And yet, for days, the two people I didn’t want to talk to kept calling me and texting me. And the one person I did want to talk to ignored me like I didn’t matter. Then I got that text message from an unknown number with that picture. The picture of you kissing Jim. And I was pissed even more. You kissed the man you betrayed. You kissed the man I was in love with. And he kissed you back. That felt like the ultimate betrayal. After all those weeks of my controlling Jim and getting what I wanted and getting what he wanted, too, there he was kissing the man that set this whole fucking thing up. I had already yelled at you, dad. So, I called him and started yelling at him, too.

“But the weird thing was, the more I yelled at him, the more he didn’t respond to my anger. He hung up on me. Twice! I was like, who was this son of a bitch, this sub, that I’ve been training for weeks, to hang up on me, when I was in the right! I didn’t do anything to deserve that. So I called him back. I was hurt. I wanted to talk to him because I couldn’t talk to anyone else. And when we talked, his voice was calm. His voice was caring. Even Char’s was, too. And I couldn’t sustain my anger any longer. Just talking to him, made my anger melt away. And I wanted him back. I wanted to be back with him. I missed him. And Char. I even missed you too, but how could I face you two again, knowing what you did? You were wrong. Both of you. And you’re my parents. You’re supposed to be my moral guides. You set the example for me. And either I fucked up your example or I embraced it. I don’t even know anymore. What I do know is that I don’t regret what I did. My intentions were honorable. Yours were not. Yours were selfish. You had only thought about your needs. Your wants. Jim even said no in the beginning. But you still persisted. And you finally got him.

“Yes, I did confront Jim about the affair and I did blackmail him into being my sex toy and my mentor. But compared to what you three did, I’m a fucking saint. I, at least, met him head on. I, at least, gave him a choice. The choice was do what I wanted or pay the price. If he didn’t do what I said, I’d go to Major Rababbi and tell dad. If he agreed to what I wanted, I would keep his secret, but he was mine sexually. To do with as I wanted. You went behind his back. You enlisted his wife to help you manipulate him. You didn’t give him a choice. And I don’t care that this sounds harsh. What you did was harsh. But it all stemmed from no one, and I mean, no one, ever telling me the truth.”

 

[PouletAuPoivre]

Wow.

Well, well.

There should be quite some fireworks coming up.

Well done once again, Sklar!

 

[PouletAuPoivre]

So, if we wanted, I suppose we could start a debate about to what extent Matt is right and wrong in blaming his parents and saying he regrets nothing.

Or a guessing game about who's going to tell Matt off about where he's in the wrong.

Right now, I predict that we're going to see a side of Lisa that no one in the room has seen before (open anger) as she tells her son -- just a few minutes after assuring him that none of this was his fault -- that no, he does not have the god-given right to know everything going on his parents' marriage.

 

[ndamood4sum]

So, if we wanted, I suppose we could start a debate about to what extent Matt is right and wrong in blaming his parents and saying he regrets nothing.

Or a guessing game about who's going to tell Matt off about where he's in the wrong.

Right now, I predict that we're going to see a side of Lisa that no one in the room has seen before (open anger) as she tells her son -- just a few minutes after assuring him that none of this was his fault -- that no, he does not have the god-given right to know everything going on his parents' marriage.

He absolutely does NOT have the right to know everything that goes on in his parents marriage. But I'm kind of stuck on the fact he said what they did was selfish. He doesn't see the way he blackmailed Jim was selfish. The blackmail in itself was wrong but what he wanted asked for was for selfish reasons

 

[PouletAuPoivre]

He absolutely does NOT have the right to know everything that goes on in his parents marriage. But I'm kind of stuck on the fact he said what they did was selfish. He doesn't see the way he blackmailed Jim was selfish. The blackmail in itself was wrong but what he wanted asked for was for selfish reasons

And I suspect someone is about to really let him have it with that.

 

[PouletAuPoivre]

And I hope that Jim will remind Matt that his mother was easier to live with while being fucked. I've been waiting for Jim to throw back in Matt's face when he said, "Good god, shut up! I want you to keep fucking her."

 

[Sklar]

Chapter 50



Jesus, that was harsh to hear.

But Matt is right.

His was the more honorable choice. Because he at least gave me a choice. The others did not.

And because he gave me that choice, my marriage, which was deteriorating, which both Char and I ignored, was suddenly given new life. The blackmail forced me to change. I went from that arrogant big, dicked ass, to who I am now.

And my life is better for it.

But this has clearly shocked Paul. And Lisa. Both are sitting there stunned.

It’s like their son suddenly grew up in their eyes. He was no longer a kid. He’s an adult. And he’s taking responsibility as an adult.

He knew what he did was wrong.

And he owned it. He’s not sorry for it.

Now, with the truth laid out, he knows what his parents did was wrong and he’s forcing them to own that.

What all three of them did was wrong.

There’s no debate about that.

But I can’t get angry or upset about it.

I said, numerous times, that Matt would make a great intel officer. Now, with the full truth out there, I can see how he prepped for that. He really is meticulous. And because he set this all up as an intel reconnaissance, because he did his research on me and on Psy Ops, it fell into a pattern that I recognized, albeit on a subconscious level. But I still recognized it.

I’ve got nothing but respect for that.

Even what Lisa, Paul and Char did, that was using intelligence gathering, too. They played on my ego. They played up to me about my big dick. They played me like a harp. And that’s not what made me angry.

It was that they never told me the truth. Just like they never told Matt the truth. But, even if they did, I don’t know how I would have reacted. I honestly don’t. All I know, is that holding a grudge doesn’t help. Holding on to old hurts, old grievances, doesn’t help, either.

Josh was right. Bless him, he was right. This all could have been avoided if anyone of us said no.

And look where it landed us.

But I forgave Char for her part in this.

I forgave Lisa for her part in this.

I forgave Paul for his part in this.

I can’t forgive Matt for his part in this. Fuck if it wasn’t for him, Char and I might be heading for divorce right now. I’m grateful for his part in this. I’m grateful that he opened my eyes to my ego, to my narcissism. I’m grateful that, because of him, I am a better man, a better husband, fuck, a better friend to everyone in this room.

I’m grateful, and honored, to be his sub.

This big question now is, how are Paul and Lisa going to react?

And I don’t have long to wait for that answer.

“Say that again, son,” Paul says, slowly, with intent in his voice.

“Which part, dad?” Matt asks. “The part where the three of you tricked and manipulated Jim into the affair? The part where I admit I have been in love with him for the past five years? The part where you and mom kept this a secret from me for the past three years? Clarify, please, dad, I’m not sure what you mean.”

“Matthew,” Lisa says, shocked, “that’s not fair. We didn’t mean for any of this to happen.”

“But it did, mom,” Matt says, looking at her. “You got what you wanted out of this. Dad got what he wanted out of this. I got what I wanted out of this. Look at the three of us, all happy with what we got.”

“Matthew,” Paul says, slowly, with anger rising in him, “watch that attitude. That was uncalled for.”

“Finally, you’re getting angry,” Matt says with satisfaction. “Now you know how I have been feeling this past week. Now you know what it feels like when someone you love keeps secrets from you. How else am I supposed to respond or feel, dad? At least you and mom talked to each other. Back then, who could I talk to? At fifteen, I had no one. I couldn’t talk to a teacher. I couldn’t talk to a counsellor. I wasn’t going to talk to the chaplain. It was a secret that, if it got out, would ruin both families. It was this huge ass secret that I couldn’t talk to anyone about!”

“So you took advantage of it,” Paul says, anger simmering in his voice.

“Of course I took advantage of it,” Matt says. “Like General Armstrong says in his book: Never let an opportunity go to waste. So I studied. I studied everything I could from Psy Ops and from the FBI. In all honestly, dad, mom, if you stepped back and looked at this dispassionately, you would see how well I pulled this off.”

“And that’s something for us to be proud of?” Lisa asks, quietly.

“At least equally proud as you did for having the affair,” Matt says quietly back to her. “Dad, you just got done asking Jim what he would have done if you had told him the truth from the beginning and he said he didn’t know how he would answer. Let me ask both of the same question, right now: If I came to either one of you, and told you that I know about the affair, what would you have said? What would you have done?”

Ouch!

That’s their own logic used against them. That has to hurt each of them. And it does. Lisa, for all her stoicism, is radiating hurt and sadness. She’s running that exact question through her mind. Paul still has his anger but Matt’s logic is sound, and confusion and uncertainty runs rampant through him.

“I..I don’t know,” Paul says, as his anger leaves him, replaced with sadness. Lisa is slowly shaking her head. Clearly, both of them never expected this. They never planned for this. Matt sits up straighter, satisfaction practically beaming out of him. He’s boxed his parents into the same corner they boxed me into.

He’s won.

Silence.

Josh looks at Lisa and Paul.

He then looks at Char and me.

Then he looks at Matt.

“No, Matthew,” he says, in a calm voice, “this isn’t something to take satisfaction over.”

Josh, what the fuck?

 

[PouletAuPoivre]

Thank you, Captain Joshua McClendon!

(And thank you for another chapter, Sklar!)

 

[PouletAuPoivre]

Jesus, that was harsh to hear.

But Matt is right.

His was the more honorable choice. Because he at least gave me a choice. The others did not.

Oh yes they did.

Josh was right. Bless him, he was right. This all could have been avoided if anyone of us said no.

That includes you, Jim.

 

[Sklar]

Chapter 51



“Why shouldn’t I feel satisfied, Josh?” Matt asks, him. “What I did was the more honorable choice.”

“No, Matthew,” Josh says, sadly, “it wasn’t. I can one hundred percent empathize with you and your choices, but understand this, Matthew, it was far from honorable.”

“I disagree, Josh,” Matt says. “Compared to what they did, it was the more honorable choice.”

Matt’s not wrong there. I’ve been thinking that same thing. What is Josh getting at here?

“There is nothing honorable about blackmail, Matthew,” Josh says, quietly. “No matter the intention, blackmail is coercion. You were willing to keep the affair going to satisfy your selfish needs.”

“I’ve already admitted to that, Josh,” Matt says. “That isn’t anything new.”

“Correct,” Josh says. “So let’s take this to the next level. Paul, what does the UCMJ say about adultery?”

“That it’s wrong, first of all,” Paul says. “It can lead to conviction, loss of rank, forfeiture of pay, jail time and expulsion from the military with either a General of Dishonorable Discharge.”

“Correct,” Josh says. “Jim, when was the last time you heard of someone going to Leavenworth for having been convicted of adultery?”

“I’ve always heard stories about it, like that game Six Degrees of Separation from Kevin Bacon, but I don’t know anyone personally that actually went to Leavenworth for it.”

“What’s usually the punishment for what you do know of it?” Josh asks me.

“Lost of rank, loss of pay, security clearance being revoked,” I say, thinking back. Fuck, I really dodged a bullet there! How could I have been so stupid? That’s easy, I was thinking with my dick, not my brain.

“Lisa,” Josh asks her, “what’s it like on the FBI side?”

“Honestly, Josh,” Lisa says, “it’s not as strict as the UCMJ. Both Char and I know of agents hooking up with other agents, even if one of them is married. We wouldn’t have severe fallout over it. As long as it’s not with a foreign national, it’s not a punishable offense. Jim wouldn’t have triggered any alarms as he’s had numerous security clearance checks.”

“Jim, Paul, how would Major Rababbi react to the affair?” Josh asks us.

“He knows that I have sex while on missions,” I say. “He knows Paul does, too. He knows the wives are onboard with it. Because it’s mission related. As for the affair, I would like to think he would think the wives already know about it.”

“So he could, as Matthew has said, sweep it under the rug because of both of your service records?” Josh asks.

“Yes, he could do that,” I say.

“So I was right,” Matt says with satisfaction.

“In that regard, yes,” Josh says, nodding his head. “Here is where you are wrong, Matthew. Let’s say you got careless, and someone found out about the blackmail.”

“With all due respect, Josh,” Matt says, “I don’t get careless.”

“Neither does your mother,” Josh says, “but you found out about the affair. No secret is ever kept one hundred percent of the time. As much as you try, Matthew, you can’t plan for every contingency.”

“I can, Josh,” Matt says with confidence.

“So you had a contingency in place for your father not being your father, but in reality being your uncle? You had a contingency in place for Jim to text me and to confess to everything that has been going on?” Josh asks innocently.

“Well…no,” Matt says, slowly.

“So secrets can escape then. Right, Matthew?” Josh says looking at Matt.

“I…guess so,” Matt says, slowly.

“Here is where your logic fails you, Matthew,” Josh says, keeping Matt’s gaze on him. “Let’s say, that instead of trusting all of you to take care of this problem, I went directly to Major Rababbi and told him what I knew. I’m the XO, Matthew, he couldn’t sweep my accusations under the rug. I tell him that one of his officer’s sons is blackmailing another one of his officers for sex because of an affair. What do you think he is going to do?”

“He would have to open an investigation,” Matt says, quietly. Normally, someone would have to think for a few minutes but with Matt’s processing ability, it’s instantaneous. Realization starts to dawn on Matt.

“Correct,” Josh says. “Major Rababbi would have to assign someone to investigate. He could pick Robbins. We all know if the major assigns this to him, he won’t stop until the investigation is complete.

“Robbins isn’t an officer, Josh,” Matt says.

“He can be given Special Investigator status, Matthew,” Josh says. “That will more than cover for him being enlisted. But, for now, you can agree that you can’t plan for every contingency, correct?”

“Yes,” Matt says, reluctantly.

“So, tell me Matthew,” Josh asks in all seriousness, “what would you have done if Karl found out about the affair?”

“Oh, shit,” Matt says softly.

“Now you see, Matthew?” Josh asks quietly. “You can’t plan for everything. And this hasn’t even touched on the legality of what you did.”

“What do you mean, Josh,” Matt says, trembling a little.

“Blackmail is a criminal offense, Matthew, there is nothing honorable about that. Lisa, Charlotte,” Josh asks them, “what’s the jail time for blackmail. Specifically, someone blackmailing military members. Would that be a State or Federal offense.”

Lisa and Char look at each other for a moment.

“Federal,” they both say reluctantly.

“What can the prison sentence be?” Josh asks them.

“No one is sending my son to prison, Josh,” Paul says vehemently.

“I agree, Paul,” Josh says, looking at Paul. “But Matthew has to know about the consequences of his actions. Just like you hiding the truth from him was hurting him, he needs to know that his actions have consequences.”

Paul stares hard at Josh. But Josh isn’t being aggressive or threatening. He’s just being…Josh. He is laying out, in detail, why Matt is wrong. And, fuck me, if I hadn’t forgotten this conversation we had at the hotel about this very topic.

Paul swallows and then nods his head.

“Lisa,” Josh asks again, “what can the prison sentence be?”

“Anywhere from one to twenty years, depending on the offence and the number of counts,” Lisa says, quietly. Fear for her son running through her. Her awe she had felt earlier about Matt using his intelligence is now overshadowed by this.

Matt has lost his satisfaction that he had earlier. He is now scared. Josh is showing him just how badly things could have turned out for him.

“So let’s say the judge went extremely lenient on you, Matthew,” Josh says, “and only sentenced you to one year in prison. You are now a registered felon. You could also be registered as a sex offender. What type of job would you be able to get?”

“I don’t know,” Matt says, softly.

“Would you be able to compete in sports?” Josh asks.

“No,” Matt says, his emotions starting to bottom out.

“As much as you say yours was the more honorable choice,” Josh says, “your actions were criminal, Matthew. There is nothing honorable about that. You could have gone to jail. How do you think that would have impacted your family? Jim’s family?”

Silence

“Paul,” Josh says, “can you answer that question?”

“I don’t like this, Josh,” Paul says, softly.

“We agreed to speak the truth, Paul,” Josh says, kindly. “We agreed to honor those truths. Hiding the truth is what got us here. No matter how painful the truth is, we need to honor it so we can move past this and make sure it never happens again.”

“Agreed,” Paul says, softly. “Matthew, son, if you were convicted of this and sent to jail, your life would be over. You could not do the things you’ve dreamed of doing. Not only that, my career would be over. Your mother’s career would be over. All of our careers would be over. Who could trust any of us again, if my son was able to blackmail my best friend. Jim could be labeled a sex offender, even though you were the actual offender. Even the best case scenario for him, even if they believed that he was the victim, is loss of rank, dishonorable discharge. He would have no life in and out of the army. How could a potential employer trust either your mother or myself when our own son hacked his mother’s phone. When our own son blackmailed someone. You would have compromised a lot of people’s futures, son.”

“But,” Matt says, sniffing, “wouldn’t the affair do that, too?”

“No, Matthew,” Lisa says, kindly. “On the FBI side, it would be frowned on but since Jim is an army officer with numerous security background checks, he wouldn’t be a national security threat. I wouldn’t suffer any career repercussions as Jim isn’t involved in any cases I am working on. And we’ve already shown what would happen if the affair came to light on the Psy Ops side. Josh is correct to point all this out.”

“You see where this is going, Matthew? Do you understand my concern, not only for you, but for everyone here?” Josh asks kindly.

“I do,” Matt says, wiping his nose.

“That’s why you have to destroy your journals, Matthew,” Josh says with concern. “We can’t have them falling into the wrong hands.”

“My journals?” Matt says, shocked. Lisa are Paul are shocked, too. “Jim, this is where you got that from?” I nod at his question. “Josh, I have a perfect memory. I don’t have to journal anything.”

“Then what are in those journals?” Josh asks. That’s right, Josh, hell, no one but myself and Matt knows the answer to that. He told me this last night at Franks.

“You haven’t been journaling your thoughts?” Lisa asks him, shocked. “What have you been writing in the journals?”

“Every anime show I’ve ever seen,” Matt says, simply. “I’d transcribe each episode in its original language.”

“What? Paul asks, shocked. You know Japanese? You can write it? Read it?” Holy Christ, his parents don’t know this either?

“Well, yeah,” Matt says, nonchalantly. Just like he would say, I also breathe, eat and sleep, too.

“You’ve been keeping secrets from your parents, Matthew?” Josh asks, innocently.

“That’s not the same,” Matt says, defending himself.

“Isn’t it?” Josh says. “They kept secrets from you to try to protect you. What else are you keeping a secret from them? Why did you keep this a secret from them?”

Matt looks at his parents.

Then he looks at Josh.

“Because I don’t want them to think that I’m a freak, okay?” he says, suddenly, with heat.

We are all stunned by Matt’s statement.

“You are not a freak, Matthew,” Josh says kindly. “Why do you think that?”

“Because I am, Josh” Matt says with anger. “How many times do I have to say this? I’m the big, dicked freak with a perfect memory that runs faster than almost anyone else.”

“Stop,” Josh says. “Stop saying that, Matthew.”

“You know, for someone that wants to hear the truth and nothing but the truth,” Matt says, caustically, “you sure seem like you want to avoid it.”

“That’s far from the truth, Matthew,” Josh says with smile and good humor. “Repeating the same thing over and over again, though, isn’t the truth. It’s repetitiveness. And we are trying to work past that. Understand this, Matthew, you are not now, nor have you ever been, a freak. And the sooner you believe that and understand that, not only here,” Josh says, touching Matt on his chest, “but, here, too,” he says touching Matt on his forehead, “will you be accepting of who you are. Not what you are. The words we speak hold power, Matthew. That’s why I value truth. That’s why I value honesty. That’s true power. But the words we say, the way we express ourselves, shape us. Like wind and water on the land. If you only see yourself as others see you, then you are shaped by their perceptions of you. If you only see yourself in a negative light, then you will become negative. And you are far from a negative man, Matthew. You have unlimited potential. Trust in those who love and care for you. More importantly, trust in yourself. You are more than you seem. We all are.”

“It’s hard, Josh,” Matt says, quietly. Josh’s words have hit home with Matthew. This is his fear. Who is Matthew Chrisopher Braveman? How does he see himself? Prior to the blackmail, I never cared to know anything about him except what his parents shared with me. He was a kid, after all. Once the blackmail started, I had to confront my own misconceptions of him. I had always thought of him as being effeminate. A kid. He quickly proved me wrong on that. The more we interacted, the more I grew to respect him. And see who he is.

“Of course it is, Matthew,” Josh says, equally quiet. “Anything worthwhile is. This could be your greatest challenge, Matthew. Accepting of who you ultimately are. Will you accept that challenge, Matthew?”

“Yes,” Matt says, sitting up straighter, “I will.”

 

[PouletAuPoivre]

Nice work!!!

 

[Sklar]

Chapter 52



And just like that, it seems that another layer of fear and dread has disappeared. Matt is still shaken by what Josh just said about what could have possibly happened to him. And me. Hell, all of us. But there is something missing from Josh’s analysis. And I have to tell the truth about that, too.

It’s so very weird that a family that is so close, can fall apart so quickly. All three of them have had deep secrets and fears that have come to light. None of those secrets were easy to talk about. Hell, Paul’s family, now, mirrors his own growing up. With his parents keeping the hatred of Michael a secret, to start with. Then their blatant favoritism of Paul over Michael when it did come out. But Paul stood up for Michael. But what could Michael do?

Nothing.

Nothing but live through it.

And now his family had secrets that they kept from each other, too. Even when families try to do better, they still fall into the same kinds of patterns that they grew up with. And it almost destroyed this family. Even as they tried to save their family, they almost destroyed it.

But with truth comes knowledge.

We can all help each other. And we can all heal each other.

“Matthew,” Paul says, still emotionally confused with all that Matt has hit him with. His son blackmailing me for sex. His son admitting that he trained for years to get that blackmail in place. The son that Paul has been so very proud of, ever since I’ve met them. But Paul does feel bad as he feels he failed Matt, too. “The reason we never told you the truth is that you were, honestly, too young. Yes, you’re intelligent. But even with that intelligence, there are still some things that, we, as parents, we have to shield you from. You just don’t have the life experiences to navigate them properly. You dragged your mother and me over the coals. And from your perspective, you are absolutely right. We didn’t trust you. But we love you and want to protect you. We didn’t want to add my…”

“Our,” Lisa says, interrupting Paul.

“Our burdens,” Paul says, nodding, “on you. Let me ask you the same question back at you, Matthew: If we told you that your grandparents know your gay and hate you and want to send you to a school to change you, what would you have done?”

Now, that’s an interesting question.

“I would have admitted to being gay, dad,” Matt says immediately.

“You say that so quickly, Matt,” Paul says.

“No, dad,” Matt says. “I remember everything. I process everything, immediately. I don’t have to sit and think, unless I want to act it out. But let me answer the deeper question: How would I have handled being told grandma and grandpa hate me for being gay? I don’t know. I’ve never encountered any kind of homophobia, at that point. Even at school, there are gay kids and we make jokes with them and just accept them. Are there haters there? Sure. But I never saw any outright hatred. So in that regards, I can’t honestly say.”

“And if you can’t answer that question now,” Paul says, “three years later, how do you think we felt about it three years ago?”

“I don’t know,” Matt says slowly.

“Matthew,” Lisa says, with a combination of sorrow and love, “it’s our responsibility to protect you, as much as possible. Regardless of how smart you are, regardless of your memory, it’s up to us to protect you as much as possible. And that protection we provide, Matthew, that’s life long. You do not know the depths of your grandparent’s hatred. You’ve never had to experience real hatred before. And while Frank may have been mean to you, in the beginning, that’s nothing compared to what your grandparents can do. Get used to over protective parents. Especially one that can fight anyone to a standstill and the other that can take them out from a distance.”

“Will the two of you start to treat me as an equal?” Matt asks, with hope. “Will you start to trust me?”

“It was never about trust, Matthew,” Paul says, “it was about maturity. Yes, we could have told you what was going on but, if you can’t say now, three years later, how you would have handled it, can you at least see that we may have been right?”

“Yes, dad,” Matt says, realizing the truth of the matter, “I can see that.”

“I’m sorry it has taken me this long to see that my boy has grown into a man,” Paul says. At those words, Matt starts to cry and Paul reaches in to hug him.

“Mother, I’m sorry,” Matt says, as he reaches for her.

“There’s nothing to be sorry for, Matthew,” Lisa says, as she reaches for him and hugs him around Paul.

Again, it feels like another layer of…something…has disappeared. All three of them just seem to get stronger.

After a few moments, they break the hug. The room feels lighter. All three of them just seem…lighter. Their fears, that were holding them down, are no longer doing that. Healing, for all three of them, has started.

“So,” Paul says with a smile, looking around, “is that everything? Please, let that be everything.” Everyone laughs a little bit at that.

Sigh

“No, Paul,” I say, although I am smiling, “there is still a few more things we need to discuss. Nothing as big or as heavy as we’ve been talking about for the past three hours, but still important.”

“Such as?” Paul says, focusing on me, leaning in. Lisa, too, is more focused.

“Well,” I say, slowly, “how do the two of you feel about being grandparents?”

That caught them off guard. Both of them blink a few times before responding.

“That would be virtually impossible, Jimmie,” Paul says.

“Oh, thank God,” Lisa says sighing with a smile.

“Honey?” Paul says, looking at her.

“Don’t you see, Michael,” Lisa says, smiling.

“No, I don’t,” Paul says. Jesus this isn’t helping me that Lisa calls him Michael, and I keep thinking of him as Paul.

“Char is pregnant with Matthew’s child,” Lisa says with relief.

“What?” Paul says, dumbfounded.

“Wait,” Char says, confused, “Lisa, you’re not angry?”

“Why would I be angry?” Lisa says. “Out of everyone I know, you’d be the perfect person for this. You’re the only one that could handle his size. You would be the perfect person to help him with it.”

“Mom, you know about my size?” Matt asks confused.

“Of course I know, Matthew,” Lisa says with a smile. “Michael told me the conversation the two of you had years ago. Then the package of underwear you ordered a few weeks ago came. So I checked out the company online. When I found out that company specializes in underwear for well endowed men, I figured you continued to grow. One of my fears was that you might accidentally hurt someone with your size. Char is perfect. She’s used to it.”

“Gee, thanks,” Char says, deadpan. But then smiles.

“I didn’t mean it like that, Char,” Lisa says, with a smile. “It just seems the most logical from Jim’s comment. How far along are you?”

“Anywhere from one to three weeks,” Char says, brushing back her hair. “We don’t know for fact if it’s Matt’s or Jim’s. I was going to ask at our appointment next week.”

“Hold on a moment,” Paul says, trying to focus his thoughts, “how did we go from blackmailing Jim for sex and mentorship, to Matthew having sex with Char?”

“Um, well,” Matt starts, clearly embarrassed, “I wanted to get laid so bad, dad. Even though I am gay, I was more than happy to have sex with a woman to get it done. I was a virgin all through high school. It wasn’t until I started blackmailing Jim that I lost it. I thought along the same lines as mom. If she could handle Jim, she could handle me. I know I am so much larger than everyone else. I needed someone with experience to help me with that. Char was perfect for it. Then Jim would be able to handle me, too. Again, it all just fit, dad.”

“It didn’t just fit, Matt,” Char says with a laugh, “at least, not a first. Paul, Lisa, we never thought about getting pregnant. It was because the birth control failed. But on a more serious note, Jim and I actually talked quite a bit about this. How can we, in good faith, not help train Matt on how to use his penis. We presumed that he was straight, at that time. There’s no way a girl his age has the experience to handle that. It would be wrong to let him go blind into the wilderness. Hell, I barely handled it when it first happened. I wasn’t sure until we were at UCLA if Matt was gay.”

“But he did get experience with you,” Lisa said that as a fact. Char nodded. “Thank you, Char, for helping out our son.” That’s Lisa, always logical.

“Jimmie,” Paul says, turning towards me, “you’ve had sex with my son?”

“It’s more like he’s had sex with me, Paul,” I say, with a grin. “I want to have sex with you. I want Matt to have sex with me.” Paul slowly nods. His feelings are jumbled. He loves his son. He is trying to reconcile that his son is in love with me and has had sex with me. Just as he is in love with me and has had sex with me.

And it’s time to give the truth from my side. This is what Josh didn’t factor into the blackmail.

“Let me clarify more. And I will be as truthful as I can be about this,” I say, taking a deep breath and slow exhaling it. “When the blackmail began, I was in a very bad place. And I didn’t even know it. I had slowly turned into a man that I didn’t recognize. I was betraying my wife. I was betraying my own personal values because, over time, I had grown a sexual fetish with having a big dick and power. I thought that as long as I was getting my own sexual satisfaction, that made it okay. And because of that, my marriage started to suffer. Char and I had grown apart. Instead of being man and wife, we were roommates cohabitating the same bed.

“As much as the affair help your family, our marriage deteriorated just as much. And I never saw that. There is a very good chance that instead of us sitting here, right now, talking to each other, that Char and I could be heading to divorce court. And back then, it wouldn’t have bothered me. Because to me, Psy Ops comes before family. Just like for Char, the FBI comes before family.” Char nods as I am talking. “When Matt came over here with the evidence of the affair and offered his terms, something in me changed. Understand, I say his terms, not his blackmail.

“Josh, you say that blackmail is coercion. With respect, in this instance, I disagree. Coercion is a lose/lose for the coerced. Matt offered me a choice: Keep the status quo going but serve him sexually or face the reality of my situation. Matt is correct that his was the more honorable choice. I believe that one hundred percent. What was the choice that was given to me: loss of rank, loss of security clearance, loss of Psy Ops, loss of the Army versus sex. I can do sex. Matt did not come after me for state secrets. Matt did not come after me to make me betray my country. He came after me to serve him as his mentor and as his personal fuck toy.

“I gained because of his terms. He was a mirror that forced me to look deep into myself. And I didn’t like what I saw. I saw a narcissistic man that thought he was king of the world. I had it all. I am the top interrogator in the regiment. I am known in the intel community for that. I have 7 confirmed kills and 13 unofficial ones. I’ve been on missions no one knows about. I have a big dick and I liked to use it. I liked people to serve me.

“But with Matt, I had to serve him. No questions asked. Do it and do it now. And I responded to that. It scared me how fast and efficiently I fell into that role. It almost felt natural even though I was scared as hell. I had to visualize Matt as my commanding officer. But the more I served him, the more I did for him, the more I did for Char. The more I put Matt before me, the more I put Char before me. The more I did that, the more relaxed I became. The more I started to be the man I was that Char married.

“My life improved because of the terms Matt set out. My marriage started to improve, because of the terms that Matt set out. Pys Ops started to improve because of the terms that Matt set out. The major even commented on how much more relaxed and approachable I was becoming. Paul, Matt forced me to reevaluate how I thought of you. God forgive me, Paul, but as much as I respect you and your accomplishments that you have earned, I thought less of you because your dick wasn’t as big as my dick. By the time Matt and Char went to UCLA, I was so riddled with guilt over the affair, that I couldn’t even look at you without feeling remorse. I had zero idea how to make it up to you. And then, when you were here for the race, when you kissed me for the first time, I knew exactly how to make it up to you. All it took was a smile from me and we were at it. And it was good, Paul. It was so very, very good. It was different than what Char and I have. It was different than what Matt and I have. But it was so powerful, Paul,” Paul sits there, astonishment on his face but love, too.

“When I told you, in the car, that I love you, Paul, I. Love. You. Just like I love Char. But different, too. You would be the man I would want to spend the rest of my life with, if I could. I know that, down to my soul. Matt,” I say, turning towards him, tears running down his face, “I don’t love you, but I do love what you make me do. You make me a better man. You make me a better person. I will always be eternally grateful to you for that. That is why I agreed to still be your sub. As much as you want me as a mentor, you’ve been my mentor, too. You know that I can never be in a relationship with you, Matt.

“I told you my priorities earlier: Work, Char then you and Paul equally. You will have to find someone to eventually have a true relationship with. But until then, we can keep going as we have been. Paul, I love you, bro, and I know you love me, too. As I told Matt earlier, I don’t want any jealousy from either of you to each other. What I want from each of you is totally different. Can you give that me? Will you give that to me?”

Hope flares within Paul. His face lights up even more.

“Yes,” he says, “I will.”

 

[PouletAuPoivre]

Paul, I love you, bro, and I know you love me, too. As I told Matt earlier, I don’t want any jealousy from either of you to each other. What I want from each of you is totally different. Can you give that me? Will you give that to me?”

Hope flares within Paul. His face lights up even more.

“Yes,” he says, “I will.”

Wow, that's a turn I had not been expecting things to take. No jealousy!

Another great chapter, Sklar!

 

[Birrjay]

The only excitement when i open this site is a notification from Sklar. Can’t wait for another chapter

 

[ndamood4sum]

Chapter 52



And just like that, it seems that another layer of fear and dread has disappeared. Matt is still shaken by what Josh just said about what could have possibly happened to him. And me. Hell, all of us. But there is something missing from Josh’s analysis. And I have to tell the truth about that, too.

It’s so very weird that a family that is so close, can fall apart so quickly. All three of them have had deep secrets and fears that have come to light. None of those secrets were easy to talk about. Hell, Paul’s family, now, mirrors his own growing up. With his parents keeping the hatred of Michael a secret, to start with. Then their blatant favoritism of Paul over Michael when it did come out. But Paul stood up for Michael. But what could Michael do?

Nothing.

Nothing but live through it.

And now his family had secrets that they kept from each other, too. Even when families try to do better, they still fall into the same kinds of patterns that they grew up with. And it almost destroyed this family. Even as they tried to save their family, they almost destroyed it.

But with truth comes knowledge.

We can all help each other. And we can all heal each other.

“Matthew,” Paul says, still emotionally confused with all that Matt has hit him with. His son blackmailing me for sex. His son admitting that he trained for years to get that blackmail in place. The son that Paul has been so very proud of, ever since I’ve met them. But Paul does feel bad as he feels he failed Matt, too. “The reason we never told you the truth is that you were, honestly, too young. Yes, you’re intelligent. But even with that intelligence, there are still some things that, we, as parents, we have to shield you from. You just don’t have the life experiences to navigate them properly. You dragged your mother and me over the coals. And from your perspective, you are absolutely right. We didn’t trust you. But we love you and want to protect you. We didn’t want to add my…”

“Our,” Lisa says, interrupting Paul.

“Our burdens,” Paul says, nodding, “on you. Let me ask you the same question back at you, Matthew: If we told you that your grandparents know your gay and hate you and want to send you to a school to change you, what would you have done?”

Now, that’s an interesting question.

“I would have admitted to being gay, dad,” Matt says immediately.

“You say that so quickly, Matt,” Paul says.

“No, dad,” Matt says. “I remember everything. I process everything, immediately. I don’t have to sit and think, unless I want to act it out. But let me answer the deeper question: How would I have handled being told grandma and grandpa hate me for being gay? I don’t know. I’ve never encountered any kind of homophobia, at that point. Even at school, there are gay kids and we make jokes with them and just accept them. Are there haters there? Sure. But I never saw any outright hatred. So in that regards, I can’t honestly say.”

“And if you can’t answer that question now,” Paul says, “three years later, how do you think we felt about it three years ago?”

“I don’t know,” Matt says slowly.

“Matthew,” Lisa says, with a combination of sorrow and love, “it’s our responsibility to protect you, as much as possible. Regardless of how smart you are, regardless of your memory, it’s up to us to protect you as much as possible. And that protection we provide, Matthew, that’s life long. You do not know the depths of your grandparent’s hatred. You’ve never had to experience real hatred before. And while Frank may have been mean to you, in the beginning, that’s nothing compared to what your grandparents can do. Get used to over protective parents. Especially one that can fight anyone to a standstill and the other that can take them out from a distance.”

“Will the two of you start to treat me as an equal?” Matt asks, with hope. “Will you start to trust me?”

“It was never about trust, Matthew,” Paul says, “it was about maturity. Yes, we could have told you what was going on but, if you can’t say now, three years later, how you would have handled it, can you at least see that we may have been right?”

“Yes, dad,” Matt says, realizing the truth of the matter, “I can see that.”

“I’m sorry it has taken me this long to see that my boy has grown into a man,” Paul says. At those words, Matt starts to cry and Paul reaches in to hug him.

“Mother, I’m sorry,” Matt says, as he reaches for her.

“There’s nothing to be sorry for, Matthew,” Lisa says, as she reaches for him and hugs him around Paul.

Again, it feels like another layer of…something…has disappeared. All three of them just seem to get stronger.

After a few moments, they break the hug. The room feels lighter. All three of them just seem…lighter. Their fears, that were holding them down, are no longer doing that. Healing, for all three of them, has started.

“So,” Paul says with a smile, looking around, “is that everything? Please, let that be everything.” Everyone laughs a little bit at that.

Sigh

“No, Paul,” I say, although I am smiling, “there is still a few more things we need to discuss. Nothing as big or as heavy as we’ve been talking about for the past three hours, but still important.”

“Such as?” Paul says, focusing on me, leaning in. Lisa, too, is more focused.

“Well,” I say, slowly, “how do the two of you feel about being grandparents?”

That caught them off guard. Both of them blink a few times before responding.

“That would be virtually impossible, Jimmie,” Paul says.

“Oh, thank God,” Lisa says sighing with a smile.

“Honey?” Paul says, looking at her.

“Don’t you see, Michael,” Lisa says, smiling.

“No, I don’t,” Paul says. Jesus this isn’t helping me that Lisa calls him Michael, and I keep thinking of him as Paul.

“Char is pregnant with Matthew’s child,” Lisa says with relief.

“What?” Paul says, dumbfounded.

“Wait,” Char says, confused, “Lisa, you’re not angry?”

“Why would I be angry?” Lisa says. “Out of everyone I know, you’d be the perfect person for this. You’re the only one that could handle his size. You would be the perfect person to help him with it.”

“Mom, you know about my size?” Matt asks confused.

“Of course I know, Matthew,” Lisa says with a smile. “Michael told me the conversation the two of you had years ago. Then the package of underwear you ordered a few weeks ago came. So I checked out the company online. When I found out that company specializes in underwear for well endowed men, I figured you continued to grow. One of my fears was that you might accidentally hurt someone with your size. Char is perfect. She’s used to it.”

“Gee, thanks,” Char says, deadpan. But then smiles.

“I didn’t mean it like that, Char,” Lisa says, with a smile. “It just seems the most logical from Jim’s comment. How far along are you?”

“Anywhere from one to three weeks,” Char says, brushing back her hair. “We don’t know for fact if it’s Matt’s or Jim’s. I was going to ask at our appointment next week.”

“Hold on a moment,” Paul says, trying to focus his thoughts, “how did we go from blackmailing Jim for sex and mentorship, to Matthew having sex with Char?”

“Um, well,” Matt starts, clearly embarrassed, “I wanted to get laid so bad, dad. Even though I am gay, I was more than happy to have sex with a woman to get it done. I was a virgin all through high school. It wasn’t until I started blackmailing Jim that I lost it. I thought along the same lines as mom. If she could handle Jim, she could handle me. I know I am so much larger than everyone else. I needed someone with experience to help me with that. Char was perfect for it. Then Jim would be able to handle me, too. Again, it all just fit, dad.”

“It didn’t just fit, Matt,” Char says with a laugh, “at least, not a first. Paul, Lisa, we never thought about getting pregnant. It was because the birth control failed. But on a more serious note, Jim and I actually talked quite a bit about this. How can we, in good faith, not help train Matt on how to use his penis. We presumed that he was straight, at that time. There’s no way a girl his age has the experience to handle that. It would be wrong to let him go blind into the wilderness. Hell, I barely handled it when it first happened. I wasn’t sure until we were at UCLA if Matt was gay.”

“But he did get experience with you,” Lisa said that as a fact. Char nodded. “Thank you, Char, for helping out our son.” That’s Lisa, always logical.

“Jimmie,” Paul says, turning towards me, “you’ve had sex with my son?”

“It’s more like he’s had sex with me, Paul,” I say, with a grin. “I want to have sex with you. I want Matt to have sex with me.” Paul slowly nods. His feelings are jumbled. He loves his son. He is trying to reconcile that his son is in love with me and has had sex with me. Just as he is in love with me and has had sex with me.

And it’s time to give the truth from my side. This is what Josh didn’t factor into the blackmail.

“Let me clarify more. And I will be as truthful as I can be about this,” I say, taking a deep breath and slow exhaling it. “When the blackmail began, I was in a very bad place. And I didn’t even know it. I had slowly turned into a man that I didn’t recognize. I was betraying my wife. I was betraying my own personal values because, over time, I had grown a sexual fetish with having a big dick and power. I thought that as long as I was getting my own sexual satisfaction, that made it okay. And because of that, my marriage started to suffer. Char and I had grown apart. Instead of being man and wife, we were roommates cohabitating the same bed.

“As much as the affair help your family, our marriage deteriorated just as much. And I never saw that. There is a very good chance that instead of us sitting here, right now, talking to each other, that Char and I could be heading to divorce court. And back then, it wouldn’t have bothered me. Because to me, Psy Ops comes before family. Just like for Char, the FBI comes before family.” Char nods as I am talking. “When Matt came over here with the evidence of the affair and offered his terms, something in me changed. Understand, I say his terms, not his blackmail.

“Josh, you say that blackmail is coercion. With respect, in this instance, I disagree. Coercion is a lose/lose for the coerced. Matt offered me a choice: Keep the status quo going but serve him sexually or face the reality of my situation. Matt is correct that his was the more honorable choice. I believe that one hundred percent. What was the choice that was given to me: loss of rank, loss of security clearance, loss of Psy Ops, loss of the Army versus sex. I can do sex. Matt did not come after me for state secrets. Matt did not come after me to make me betray my country. He came after me to serve him as his mentor and as his personal fuck toy.

“I gained because of his terms. He was a mirror that forced me to look deep into myself. And I didn’t like what I saw. I saw a narcissistic man that thought he was king of the world. I had it all. I am the top interrogator in the regiment. I am known in the intel community for that. I have 7 confirmed kills and 13 unofficial ones. I’ve been on missions no one knows about. I have a big dick and I liked to use it. I liked people to serve me.

“But with Matt, I had to serve him. No questions asked. Do it and do it now. And I responded to that. It scared me how fast and efficiently I fell into that role. It almost felt natural even though I was scared as hell. I had to visualize Matt as my commanding officer. But the more I served him, the more I did for him, the more I did for Char. The more I put Matt before me, the more I put Char before me. The more I did that, the more relaxed I became. The more I started to be the man I was that Char married.

“My life improved because of the terms Matt set out. My marriage started to improve, because of the terms that Matt set out. Pys Ops started to improve because of the terms that Matt set out. The major even commented on how much more relaxed and approachable I was becoming. Paul, Matt forced me to reevaluate how I thought of you. God forgive me, Paul, but as much as I respect you and your accomplishments that you have earned, I thought less of you because your dick wasn’t as big as my dick. By the time Matt and Char went to UCLA, I was so riddled with guilt over the affair, that I couldn’t even look at you without feeling remorse. I had zero idea how to make it up to you. And then, when you were here for the race, when you kissed me for the first time, I knew exactly how to make it up to you. All it took was a smile from me and we were at it. And it was good, Paul. It was so very, very good. It was different than what Char and I have. It was different than what Matt and I have. But it was so powerful, Paul,” Paul sits there, astonishment on his face but love, too.

“When I told you, in the car, that I love you, Paul, I. Love. You. Just like I love Char. But different, too. You would be the man I would want to spend the rest of my life with, if I could. I know that, down to my soul. Matt,” I say, turning towards him, tears running down his face, “I don’t love you, but I do love what you make me do. You make me a better man. You make me a better person. I will always be eternally grateful to you for that. That is why I agreed to still be your sub. As much as you want me as a mentor, you’ve been my mentor, too. You know that I can never be in a relationship with you, Matt.

“I told you my priorities earlier: Work, Char then you and Paul equally. You will have to find someone to eventually have a true relationship with. But until then, we can keep going as we have been. Paul, I love you, bro, and I know you love me, too. As I told Matt earlier, I don’t want any jealousy from either of you to each other. What I want from each of you is totally different. Can you give that me? Will you give that to me?”

Hope flares within Paul. His face lights up even more.

“Yes,” he says, “I will.”

This chapter accomplished some things and I am extremely happy that they are now talking about more than whether Matt was right or wrong and his grandparents hatred for him. The realization that Matt & Jimmie had sex couldn't come soon enough. I wonder how Jimmy openly disagreeing with Josh on Matt's actions wasn't coercion but in this case, the honorable thing to do. It's definitely a slippery slop which could lead to undesired consequences in the future now that Jimmy, the love of his life and mentor said what he did wasn't wrong.

I am really surprised that the news of Matt possibly being the father of Char's unborn child landed like a FYI more than anything else. Other than Paul's homophobic parents (don't get me wrong, that's horrible) what would it take to make Paul and Lisa angry and less understanding. The blackmail, the possibility of Matt being a father and the discovery that their son had sex with both of their best friends doesn't seem like it has risen to that level either. I'd think the new normal of my best friend being my son's sub and then sharing him like it's natural just might be too much. But hey, maybe it's just me.