What are the unspoken rules of random "gay encounters"?

[mrbucket]

I am unfamiliar with this topic, and a lot of my knowledge is based on stereotypes or just random stories I've heard. I apologize if I offend anyone, that's not my goal. This post is just out of sheer curiosity.

If I'm not wrong, we've all heard stories (even on here) about random guys seeing each other in rest stops, gym locker rooms, parks, etc etc and seemingly just knowing that it's ok to show something, or even fool around. (I'm aware this can also happen in the straight world, but I think it's generally just between guys - but I might be wrong about this too!)

My question is - how do they know it's ok? Does it happen often where one guy thinks another guy is looking for an interaction, whips it out, and then gets the cops called on him? Or is there some kind of...."code" (for lack of a better word) that acts as a safeword to confirm that they're both OK with it?

I'm more of a show-er than a grower - I don't have a particularly big dick when it's hard, but when it's soft it looks deceptively big. I get looked at in the locker room sometimes and I can't tell if it's the normal peeks that straight guys do or if I'm getting "signalled" or something.

The only example I've heard - and I'm sure is exaggerated and might be considered an urban legend by this point - is if one guy puts two fingers underneath a bathroom stall door it shows he's ready for interaction.

I don't know if anyone can shed light on this but I've been wondering for a while. Thanks!

 

[canuck_pa]

In a bathroom two people standing at the urinal seem to be taking a long time and taking subtle glances at each other or in a cubical tapping toes can also be signals. In parks usually its at a location that is known for cruising. It can also be simply a certain look.

 

[mrbucket]

Similarly I've shaken hands with a person and they extend their index finger to my wrist. Is that a siglal too? I've been used to all 4 fingers clasping my hand. What's with the index finger extended to my wrist? Can anyone shed some light on that? Confused.

Haha I've seen this among my friends - I think it's just meant to fuck with you. It feels weird and unexpected. Unless the handshakes were from someone you just met, in which case, I have no idea.

 

[deleted3782]

Years ago, when I first began to explore the gay world, I was told of a "look" that gay men gave when they are interested. The look was similar to having been asked a question, only no words were spoken. Or, the look could be a friendly smile. It depended on the guy. Maybe the gay world is made up of lookers and smilers, I dunno.

I remember testing out the look-or-smile theory while walking down Oxford Street in Sydney. I literally had a gay wingman whispering to me when I was getting the look until I began to recognize it myself. There in Sydney, 100 years ago, there really was a way to discern interest without saying a word.

I think those subtle indications exist in larger cities. Maybe Sydney, San Francisco, and London have their own "codes". Once you get out into the smaller towns, the language is lost and flirting, or showing same-sex availability, becomes much riskier. You can get crossed signals, like Larry Craig did in the MSP Airport bathroom with his wide stance.

So, I would be carefull about assuming there is an actual universal handshake or expression. Generally speaking, it all falls under the category of "Gaydar" that some people have and some don't. I definately don't have it with either gender. For me to realize that someone is flirting with me, they practicaly have to wrap their lips around my dick, and even then I can invent logic circles to explain it away (maybe they were blotting their chapstick?).

 

[D_Bubba_Butter]

Two straight guys standing at a urinal, just finished pissing. One says to the other, "Nice cock!"
"Not too bad yourself," his neighbour replies, slowly stretching his equipment out to it's full length, providing a better view; guy number one is already toying with a chubby semi. Both guys become hard, slowly stroking their meat, showing off, eyes fixed on the other's goods. Without saying a word, guy number one reaches over as his new buddy is gripping the base of his own gently throbbing cock, swelling his massive, juicy mushroom head to its full extent. Looking up, guy number two simply grins, signalling that his new acquaintance can take him in hand. Which is exactly what he does...

Or at least, that's how one might imagine such a situation arises. :dunno:

 

[ConanTheBarber]

For me to realize that someone is flirting with me, they practicaly have to wrap their lips around my dick, and even then I can invent logic circles to explain it away (maybe they were blotting their chapstick?).

It was Urban Decay Lip Gloss™.
I knew you weren't paying attention.
Allus all 'bout you, Ex.

 

[Floridathick8]

In college I enrolled in a Sex in Society class (or something of that nature)...was a class that really explored sexuality, disease, cultures,taboos, etc. A real eye opener to say the least. One class the professor brought in a gay male couple to speak to the class. They took a lot of questions and it was a very enlightening experience for a young, naive straight college guy like myself. One question was just that- how do gay men know when to approach other gay men since being wrong can lead to unintended consequences. His answer was very simple and i remember it to this day. It makes all the sense in the world. He asked how straight men let a female know they are interested? They "hold" a look..make eye contact. He said straight men rarely "hold" eye contact with another male stranger. But if an attractive lady walked by you might stare at her and hold eye contact. He said it is the same for gay men. If they look over and another man "holds" eye contact (and not in an agressive way) they know its safe to approach. He challenged us all to go to the mall and make eye contact with other men as you walked around and hold the look longer than you normally would. He guaranteed you'd likely be approached. BTW- i never tried.

 

[deleted3782]

It was Urban Decay Lip Gloss™.
I knew you weren't paying attention.
Allus all 'bout you, Ex.

You made me google it.

 

[ConanTheBarber]

You made me google it.

Jaybus ... my lipz all ovuh the interwebz.
The shame!

 

[Exbiker]

I think the conventions probably vary in different countries, states, cities etc. ...

And it will depend if it's in a bar, or a gym etc. , or an outdoor "cruising area" / woods near a truckstop or something.

It's about trying to make the offer, as it were, but without committing too much at first. Just in case the other person is an innocent member of the public. Or a policeman there to entrap you or something ( though that is of course extremely rare ). Or just plain isn't interested in a hook up with you ...

So yes, it's mainly about exchanging eye contact. Seeing if attention is held over a few minutes. Maybe a very slight smile. Occasionally simple words are exchanged - hi, hello, nice day ...

At some point it may get to one or other guy touching his crotch, and seeing how the other one reacts.

Personally, I think this should ideally all be treated opportunistically, rather than something entirely planned and rehearsed. If you want structure, try internet chat rooms. Or a bar. Or meeting people in the normal course of life ( work, education, hobbies etc. ) ...

 

[jzac18]

I live in one of the world's "gayest" cities and what ive found is that the random encounter happens very rarely. Now that its very well known that Oxford Street is predominantly homosexual it brings on a confidence where you can actually go up to a guy and talk to him then go off and do whatever if that comes to it.
In my view its why we have apps such as Grindr, so we dont make the mistake of confusing a possible sexual partner for just a coincidental passer by on the street or someone who simply just really needs to pee in that particular public toilet.

Myself, nor none of my friends or acquaintances have had or heard of anyone having these random, out of the blue hook ups without any premeditation.

Obviously the smile indicates someones interested or the constant glancing etc. But realistically I've found there is no such 'code' to abide by in this case. It's a matter of wits, instinct and a good cell phone internet connection

 

[Exbiker]

I live in one of the world's "gayest" cities and what ive found is ...

... Myself, nor none of my friends or acquaintances have had or heard of anyone having these random, out of the blue hook ups without any premeditation ...

Obviously the smile indicates someones interested or the constant glancing etc. But realistically I've found there is no such 'code' to abide by in this case. It's a matter of wits, instinct and a good cell phone internet connection ...

Wise words
How is Sydney these days ? About 10 years since I was last there ( and had been a couple of times before, once for Mardi Gras ) ...

 

[dcsurvivor92]

He said straight men rarely "hold" eye contact with another male stranger.

I believe this to be true, and I can tell of someone is interested by this. If I see a guy I am attracted to, I never break eye contact. If he breaks eye contact quickly, so do I.

Recently, I was entering a supermarket, as a very attractive guy was leaving. We made eye contact and didn't look away. This might have only been ten seconds or so, but you just a feeling that there is a mutual attraction. Unfortunately, his wife or girlfriend was walking behind him. Had she not been with him, I would have turned around and followed him out the door. Had I done that, I believe, a conversation between the two of us would have taken place, hopefully leading to a hook up. While all situations are different, I rely heavily on the eye contact thing. It has worked well for me.

 

[Silvertip]

I've not had a great many gay encounters out in the general public, but they were all initiated by the same thing: an extended stare at my crotch. No matter how I dress I'm invariably sporting a detectable bulge and I often catch both men and women giving it a fleeting glance. But when that glance turns into the extended stare there's almost always an interest. To test that interest I'll just give my crotch a quick tug and if the guy does the same we're on our way to discussing the next course of action. And I've had quite a few such encounters when in a clothing optional setting. Often after an extended conversation and getting to know one another I've had a guy find it possible to discreetly and surreptitiously paw at his genitals and, if I'm interested, I'll respond in kind. That invariably leads to our finding our way into a private setting for some action.

And the extended eye contact thing I've experienced with women that I wound up dating, but I've never had such an experience with a guy. My guess, and it's only a guess as I'm pretty ignorant of such matters, is that the eye contact signal is made in the case where guys are looking for a romantic hookup in addition to the possibility of sex. That's just not my thing and for purely hedonistic sexual fun with another guy the crotch grab thing seems to work just fine, assuming you have the opportunity to do it discreetly.

 

[bigg tool]

I definately don't have it with either gender. For me to realize that someone is flirting with me, they practicaly have to wrap their lips around my dick, and even then I can invent logic circles to explain it away (maybe they were blotting their chapstick?).

Oh Ex, you always make me laugh :biggrin1: Your comments are still the ones I look forward to reading :wink:

 

[Countryguy63]

It has been determined by the Moderating Team that this thread is a perfect fit for the "Ask a Gay Man" forum, and we have moved it for your convenience :biggrin1:

Sincerely,
CountryGuy63
on behalf of the Admin / Moderators

 

[earllogjam]

I'm pretty flirt blind even when a stranger glances my way, looks me in the eye and smiles, I usually think he's just a happy guy and go on my way. The flirt has to hit me like a ton of bricks to register.

 

[D_22]

I just can't do the eye contact thing out of nowhere. A girl could catch me in an eye contact, I can go along with it. But a guy, I always look away.

 

[deleted3782]

It has been determined by the Moderating Team that this thread is a perfect fit for the "Ask a Gay Man" forum, and we have moved it for your convenience :biggrin1:

Sincerely,
CountryGuy63
on behalf of the Admin / Moderators

Fuck. I would never have answered it if it was an "Ask a gay anything" forum!

PS: These new forum categories are silly and encourage labelling. I have slept with women, so perhaps I should, like a few others have, be edited out of this conversation.

 

[concupisys]

@exwhyzee:

i wouldn't sweat the labeling thing too much because there are enough 'different' types and points of view (and outspoken, articulate people expressing them) that labels simply will not be accepted.... i certainly don't fit in with a lot of the gay stereotypes even though i'm 100% in to men, and i will ensure that my skewed differences in preferences and opinions are expressed for the sole purpose of opening people's minds....

i personally don't like that whole 'look' thing.... when i worked in a gay bar, i used to get that look from people all the time as i was cleaning off tables, and it most always creeped me out.... if a person wants to talk to me, then they are free to come up to me and say hello.... if we hit it off, then great.... if they're straight and only wanted to talk then that's great too.... my only rule is that men be gentlemen on first approach, and if something sexual is going to come of it then a green light should be given on both sides and things can move along.... it's certainly a lot easier than getting signals crossed and doing something stupid....