Wiping

We have the miracle of running water guys. wash yourselves.
Unless you have a bidet, this really isn't something people do.

I mean, I will try to do my business pre-shower, but then what about the rest of the day? If I'm out, should I hang my ass in a public sink to rise until sparkly fresh? Even if I'm at home, I'm not going through a supply of face cloths, or having multiple showers a day just so my butt is fresh. TP is fine.

(yes, I make sure I'm clean before I head out for any sort of evening engagement)
 
Front to back and then a shower! I understand I'm lucky that I go within about 45 minutes of waking every morning, after a cup or two of coffee. Maybe being vegetarian helps with this, it can't hurt. I'll sometimes have a second later in the day, then I can't shower but just make do with paper. If you're not going at least once a day, I'd take a look at your diet and lifestyle.