Psychologists have identified one very important factor in a successful relationships (i.e. friendships, romance) and summed it up in one sentence, "We are friends to someone not because of who he or she is, but how the person supports who we are."
Research have shown that every individual holds one primary social identity. You may be a single mother, a struggling student, a war veteran, a girls-obsessor, or simply gay. Each one of you knows the primary face you show to the society.
If you asked these individuals, you'll more likely find that their best friend is someone who has gone through the same thing, who has the capacity to understand what the other one is feeling and thinking. Or if their best friend is not going through the same, s/he is most likely the person who just merely unconditionally supports who his or her best friend is, "It is so cool that you're applying to study at Japan! Tell me about it!"
I met this guy, and from the moment I saw him, and being as gay as I was, I already felt infatuated. For me, infatuation sucked. it made you feel like the day should just go by with his image floating around you and your mind. You wondered every moment whether or not you should 'disturb' him with a simple text, or just call. You just wouldn't know if it's the right thing to do! Then, bless you past experiences that liking a straight guy could never fruit, at least in my place.
Then I developed one mission, which was to make him my friend (which he already was), to transform him from my infatuation to a person I didn't have any sexual tension with. I didn't want to lose in another infatuation/friend battle just like in the past. I knew I could control my desire and make this friendship long-lasting and healthy.
You see, his and my primary social identity were vastly different, they were opposites! He's a raging straight guy, who always talked about girls, and believed that getting married early was something everybody should do. While I was a closeted gay, liked guys, and thought that marriage with a girl was something I wouldn't do anytime soon in the future. So, I guessed since our primary social identities were different, then it's time to just support his primary social identity.
I supported his marriage principle, and his decision to marry his girlfriend soon. I actually joined his conversation about girls (well, it wasn't wrong to compliment on girls' physical appearance). We became very good friends after some time together, and it felt nice. But I forgot that he had another primary social identity that I could never support, hating gays.
One day, I was browsing one gay social networking site and unnecessary fate intervened when he accidentally saw what I was doing. He was shocked that I was, all this while, a gay. At this moment, our friendship was jeopardized and his and my primary social identities just clashed like the gods in the Greek gods story. We had a huge fight and after a while angrily arguing, he left for good. Before closing the door, he finished it by saying, "God creates no such thing as gays and lesbians."
So, at the end of the day, we're not the same. As I mentioned above, you had to go through the same with that person to elevate your friendship status to 'best' and if not, you just need to support unconditionally. And this one dear friend of mine, couldn't even fulfill the second condition. As a product of his society, he had to depict the kind of thinking that same sex relations were just wrong.
You see, watching your crush go away was hard, and watching this friendship just get crushed just like that, it hurt even more. Losing friend is a tragedy and shouldn't happen to anyone. But then, it's one of the cruel realities of life.
Research have shown that every individual holds one primary social identity. You may be a single mother, a struggling student, a war veteran, a girls-obsessor, or simply gay. Each one of you knows the primary face you show to the society.
If you asked these individuals, you'll more likely find that their best friend is someone who has gone through the same thing, who has the capacity to understand what the other one is feeling and thinking. Or if their best friend is not going through the same, s/he is most likely the person who just merely unconditionally supports who his or her best friend is, "It is so cool that you're applying to study at Japan! Tell me about it!"
I met this guy, and from the moment I saw him, and being as gay as I was, I already felt infatuated. For me, infatuation sucked. it made you feel like the day should just go by with his image floating around you and your mind. You wondered every moment whether or not you should 'disturb' him with a simple text, or just call. You just wouldn't know if it's the right thing to do! Then, bless you past experiences that liking a straight guy could never fruit, at least in my place.
Then I developed one mission, which was to make him my friend (which he already was), to transform him from my infatuation to a person I didn't have any sexual tension with. I didn't want to lose in another infatuation/friend battle just like in the past. I knew I could control my desire and make this friendship long-lasting and healthy.
You see, his and my primary social identity were vastly different, they were opposites! He's a raging straight guy, who always talked about girls, and believed that getting married early was something everybody should do. While I was a closeted gay, liked guys, and thought that marriage with a girl was something I wouldn't do anytime soon in the future. So, I guessed since our primary social identities were different, then it's time to just support his primary social identity.
I supported his marriage principle, and his decision to marry his girlfriend soon. I actually joined his conversation about girls (well, it wasn't wrong to compliment on girls' physical appearance). We became very good friends after some time together, and it felt nice. But I forgot that he had another primary social identity that I could never support, hating gays.
One day, I was browsing one gay social networking site and unnecessary fate intervened when he accidentally saw what I was doing. He was shocked that I was, all this while, a gay. At this moment, our friendship was jeopardized and his and my primary social identities just clashed like the gods in the Greek gods story. We had a huge fight and after a while angrily arguing, he left for good. Before closing the door, he finished it by saying, "God creates no such thing as gays and lesbians."
So, at the end of the day, we're not the same. As I mentioned above, you had to go through the same with that person to elevate your friendship status to 'best' and if not, you just need to support unconditionally. And this one dear friend of mine, couldn't even fulfill the second condition. As a product of his society, he had to depict the kind of thinking that same sex relations were just wrong.
You see, watching your crush go away was hard, and watching this friendship just get crushed just like that, it hurt even more. Losing friend is a tragedy and shouldn't happen to anyone. But then, it's one of the cruel realities of life.
