*sigh* I guess I'm going to try to be strong and talk about the issues surrounding my brother. It's gotten to the point where I almost hate him. But he's my brother, so I love him, of course. I don't even know where to start, really. I guess I'll try to start at the beginning.
My brother and I are nine years apart. Our lives were incredibly different, even though they involved the same people. Because of our age difference, things affected us very differently. When our parents divorced, he was 12, and it tore him apart. I, on the other hand, was three, and don't even remember it. Apparently our parents argued a lot, but I don't remember that either. We had a brother who committed suicide when I was 5 and Matt was 14. That's another thing that has affected both of us differently. I hardly remember that brother. But for Matt, it completely dismantled his world. I wanted to get that out of the way first. I understand that this difference in our upbringing is one major reason why my brother and I are so different.
So, having said that... I will admit that my brother probably had a worse childhood than myself. I sort of expect him to have more problems. But his problems have deeply hurt every member of our family, including myself, and I resent him for that. I have so much anger towards him for all the pain and frustration that he has caused everyone over the years. The thing is, he hasn't really stopped or grown out of it. He's gotten better, but he's still not "there" yet. Matt and our father were never close. My father has always been the big macho guy, and my brother has always been the skinny gay kid. They clashed often, and still do. When my brother came out of the closet when he was 17, my father took it pretty hard, but has since come to terms with it. My brother has a strong dislike for our father, based on how our father treated our mother (which was before I was born, so I never got to experience it first hand). I also think that Matt might partially blame our father on Mark's suicide, but I don't know that for sure. One thing I know, is that Matt always felt like dad liked Mark more. I guess Matt feels like he spent his whole life trying to impress our dad, but no matter how hard he tried, it wasn't good enough. Then around the age of 20, Matt started doing cocaine. He has been struggling with this addiction ever since, and my brother is now 34... he'll be 35 later this month. He's apparently been clean for several months now, but it's still a struggle, I'm sure. I've always viewed my brother as being incredibly selfish and manipulative. He's incredibly charming, and has a great sense of humor - two traits that attract a ton of friends. My brother never had an issue making friends. But I guess I should give some specifics on exactly what our problems are.
It started when I was young. My brother would ask to borrow money from me (my allowance) and I'd always let him because he's my big brother and he loves me and he's nice to me. He never paid me back, though. Then I noticed that it wasn't just me he was doing this to. He was constantly borrowing money from people and never paying them back. When he got arrested for possession of cocaine, our mother bailed him out of jail - he never paid her back. When he was put on probation, he was supposed to pay a monthly fee that he never paid. I don't know how he made it through probation without getting a revocation. (This phenomena happened often with my brother, and we'll get into that later.) My brother was constantly recycling friends. When friends would get tired of him using them, they'd leave... but because of his charm, wit, and humor, he always had more friends around the corner willing to help him out. It was a never ending cycle. No matter how bad Matt fucked up his life, he never really had to pay much of a price for it. He always had someone willing to help him. Eventually my mom stopped helping him. I hated listening to her talk about Matt and how disappointed she was in him. It made me angry at him for treating his own mother that way. WTF is his problem? I never borrowed money from my mother without paying it back. He shows up late to everything. He shows up late to work quite often, so he gets fired about once per year. I can't even count on two hands the amount of jobs he's had in the past 10 years. It's sad, really. He shows up late to family gatherings. He's the person that will come in the door two hours after Thanksgiving dinner has ended, with uninvited friends in tow, and make a big ado about his presence. And then if that wasn't bad enough, he always wants to leave early. Personally, I like spending time with my family. If Thanksgiving dinner starts at 2pm, I'll show up around 1 or 1:30 and stay till 6 or so. But not my brother! Oh no. He'll show up at 4, scarf down dinner, drink all your alcohol, and be outta there by 5 or so. Oh, and my brother hasn't owned a car in forever. So of course I would be the one to give him a ride to family gatherings. I've upset him on more than one occasion by ditching him. Either he wasn't ready when I was so I wouldn't pick him up because I didn't want to be late, or he'd be ready to go home and I'd tell him he'd have to wait because I wasn't ready to leave yet. If he lived close by, it wouldn't be a big deal to run him home real quick, but he doesn't. He just expects everyone to do what he wants.
What else? God, I could go on forever. I guess I could talk about one of the major things I resent about my brother the most. My brother doesn't work for anything. I mean, yeah, he holds a job most of the time, but he doesn't strive like I do. He's even told me that he looks up to me, which is somewhat fucked up if you ask me. He's nine years my senior. Shouldn't I be looking up to him? So here's the deal. Here is my brothers cycle that he goes through every couple years. He gets a job. He makes good money. He gets his own apartment, everything goes well. Then he gets comfortable. He starts doing drugs regularly. He starts showing up late to work. He starts getting behind on bills. He loses his job. His utilities get shut off. He gets evicted from his apartment. He moves in with a friend. Gets a new job. Starts all over again. The part about this process that bothers me the most is that although my brother has been repeating this process for almost fifteen years, he still gets help. Always. He can act however he wants because he always has people who will support him despite his ignorance. He's also the luckiest person I have ever met in my life, and I resent that as well. He, who constantly fucks up his life, is always getting the lucky breaks. Me, who tries SO hard to be successful and do the right thing never gets the lucky breaks. I'm tired of trying and getting nothing in return. A good example would be when my brother got evicted from an apartment a couple years back. Shortly after he was evicted, he went out to a bar one night and ran into some old friend he hadn't seen in years, who just happens to own some apartment buildings. The guy gives my brother an apartment. The apartment was occupied at the time, but the tenant was leaving at the end of the month. So my brother goes to move in at the beginning of the following month, and when he enters the apartment, he realizes that it's still full of stuff. He calls the landlord to make sure that the guy knew he was supposed to be out. The landlord called the old tenant to see what was going on. Turns out that the old tenant was moving to Dallas and didn't have a way to take anything with him other than clothes and what other few items could fit in his car. So not only did my brother luck out on getting an apartment (without a credit check) but then he got everything he'd ever fucking need for an apartment. He had pots, pans, plates, glasses, silverware, couches, end tables, coffee tables, a TV, a surround sound system, a bed, a dresser, towels, sheets, etc. EVERYTHING!!!! I couldn't freakn believe it. But that's my brother. This crap happens to him all the time. He gets everything. When my brother and I both needed a computer, who did my uncle give decide to give a free computer to? My brother, the slacker! Not me, the hard-working single parent.
This shit angers me so much. I'm so tired of it, ya know? I feel like I'm working my ass off for nothing. Yet my brother doesn't do shit and he gets everything.
I could talk so much more about my brother, and I might at another time, but this blog is already long enough. I think ya'll get the gist of it. But now my brother is in the hospital, and he's sick. I have no idea whether or not he's going to get better, but I have the living shit scared out of me right now. I'm so afraid he's going to die and I won't be able to get all of this off my chest. You're probably thinking, "Well go tell him how you feel, Meghan!" It's not that easy. The last time I tried to tell my brother how I felt, he turned into a crying, blubbering idiot who wouldn't listen to what I said and got incredibly defensive about everything... and that conversation just barely scratched the surface of what I needed to say. I couldn't imagine how bad it would be if I actually tried to dig deep. So, for now I"m going to just hold it in, I suppose. I'm pretty sure he won't die within the next couple days or anything. He's on a heavy round of antibiotics, but he's still running a fever. I don't know what that means, exactly. They're going to do another cat-scan on Monday to see if there's any improvement or not. Bleh. Wish us luck, please.
My brother and I are nine years apart. Our lives were incredibly different, even though they involved the same people. Because of our age difference, things affected us very differently. When our parents divorced, he was 12, and it tore him apart. I, on the other hand, was three, and don't even remember it. Apparently our parents argued a lot, but I don't remember that either. We had a brother who committed suicide when I was 5 and Matt was 14. That's another thing that has affected both of us differently. I hardly remember that brother. But for Matt, it completely dismantled his world. I wanted to get that out of the way first. I understand that this difference in our upbringing is one major reason why my brother and I are so different.
So, having said that... I will admit that my brother probably had a worse childhood than myself. I sort of expect him to have more problems. But his problems have deeply hurt every member of our family, including myself, and I resent him for that. I have so much anger towards him for all the pain and frustration that he has caused everyone over the years. The thing is, he hasn't really stopped or grown out of it. He's gotten better, but he's still not "there" yet. Matt and our father were never close. My father has always been the big macho guy, and my brother has always been the skinny gay kid. They clashed often, and still do. When my brother came out of the closet when he was 17, my father took it pretty hard, but has since come to terms with it. My brother has a strong dislike for our father, based on how our father treated our mother (which was before I was born, so I never got to experience it first hand). I also think that Matt might partially blame our father on Mark's suicide, but I don't know that for sure. One thing I know, is that Matt always felt like dad liked Mark more. I guess Matt feels like he spent his whole life trying to impress our dad, but no matter how hard he tried, it wasn't good enough. Then around the age of 20, Matt started doing cocaine. He has been struggling with this addiction ever since, and my brother is now 34... he'll be 35 later this month. He's apparently been clean for several months now, but it's still a struggle, I'm sure. I've always viewed my brother as being incredibly selfish and manipulative. He's incredibly charming, and has a great sense of humor - two traits that attract a ton of friends. My brother never had an issue making friends. But I guess I should give some specifics on exactly what our problems are.
It started when I was young. My brother would ask to borrow money from me (my allowance) and I'd always let him because he's my big brother and he loves me and he's nice to me. He never paid me back, though. Then I noticed that it wasn't just me he was doing this to. He was constantly borrowing money from people and never paying them back. When he got arrested for possession of cocaine, our mother bailed him out of jail - he never paid her back. When he was put on probation, he was supposed to pay a monthly fee that he never paid. I don't know how he made it through probation without getting a revocation. (This phenomena happened often with my brother, and we'll get into that later.) My brother was constantly recycling friends. When friends would get tired of him using them, they'd leave... but because of his charm, wit, and humor, he always had more friends around the corner willing to help him out. It was a never ending cycle. No matter how bad Matt fucked up his life, he never really had to pay much of a price for it. He always had someone willing to help him. Eventually my mom stopped helping him. I hated listening to her talk about Matt and how disappointed she was in him. It made me angry at him for treating his own mother that way. WTF is his problem? I never borrowed money from my mother without paying it back. He shows up late to everything. He shows up late to work quite often, so he gets fired about once per year. I can't even count on two hands the amount of jobs he's had in the past 10 years. It's sad, really. He shows up late to family gatherings. He's the person that will come in the door two hours after Thanksgiving dinner has ended, with uninvited friends in tow, and make a big ado about his presence. And then if that wasn't bad enough, he always wants to leave early. Personally, I like spending time with my family. If Thanksgiving dinner starts at 2pm, I'll show up around 1 or 1:30 and stay till 6 or so. But not my brother! Oh no. He'll show up at 4, scarf down dinner, drink all your alcohol, and be outta there by 5 or so. Oh, and my brother hasn't owned a car in forever. So of course I would be the one to give him a ride to family gatherings. I've upset him on more than one occasion by ditching him. Either he wasn't ready when I was so I wouldn't pick him up because I didn't want to be late, or he'd be ready to go home and I'd tell him he'd have to wait because I wasn't ready to leave yet. If he lived close by, it wouldn't be a big deal to run him home real quick, but he doesn't. He just expects everyone to do what he wants.
What else? God, I could go on forever. I guess I could talk about one of the major things I resent about my brother the most. My brother doesn't work for anything. I mean, yeah, he holds a job most of the time, but he doesn't strive like I do. He's even told me that he looks up to me, which is somewhat fucked up if you ask me. He's nine years my senior. Shouldn't I be looking up to him? So here's the deal. Here is my brothers cycle that he goes through every couple years. He gets a job. He makes good money. He gets his own apartment, everything goes well. Then he gets comfortable. He starts doing drugs regularly. He starts showing up late to work. He starts getting behind on bills. He loses his job. His utilities get shut off. He gets evicted from his apartment. He moves in with a friend. Gets a new job. Starts all over again. The part about this process that bothers me the most is that although my brother has been repeating this process for almost fifteen years, he still gets help. Always. He can act however he wants because he always has people who will support him despite his ignorance. He's also the luckiest person I have ever met in my life, and I resent that as well. He, who constantly fucks up his life, is always getting the lucky breaks. Me, who tries SO hard to be successful and do the right thing never gets the lucky breaks. I'm tired of trying and getting nothing in return. A good example would be when my brother got evicted from an apartment a couple years back. Shortly after he was evicted, he went out to a bar one night and ran into some old friend he hadn't seen in years, who just happens to own some apartment buildings. The guy gives my brother an apartment. The apartment was occupied at the time, but the tenant was leaving at the end of the month. So my brother goes to move in at the beginning of the following month, and when he enters the apartment, he realizes that it's still full of stuff. He calls the landlord to make sure that the guy knew he was supposed to be out. The landlord called the old tenant to see what was going on. Turns out that the old tenant was moving to Dallas and didn't have a way to take anything with him other than clothes and what other few items could fit in his car. So not only did my brother luck out on getting an apartment (without a credit check) but then he got everything he'd ever fucking need for an apartment. He had pots, pans, plates, glasses, silverware, couches, end tables, coffee tables, a TV, a surround sound system, a bed, a dresser, towels, sheets, etc. EVERYTHING!!!! I couldn't freakn believe it. But that's my brother. This crap happens to him all the time. He gets everything. When my brother and I both needed a computer, who did my uncle give decide to give a free computer to? My brother, the slacker! Not me, the hard-working single parent.
This shit angers me so much. I'm so tired of it, ya know? I feel like I'm working my ass off for nothing. Yet my brother doesn't do shit and he gets everything. I could talk so much more about my brother, and I might at another time, but this blog is already long enough. I think ya'll get the gist of it. But now my brother is in the hospital, and he's sick. I have no idea whether or not he's going to get better, but I have the living shit scared out of me right now. I'm so afraid he's going to die and I won't be able to get all of this off my chest. You're probably thinking, "Well go tell him how you feel, Meghan!" It's not that easy. The last time I tried to tell my brother how I felt, he turned into a crying, blubbering idiot who wouldn't listen to what I said and got incredibly defensive about everything... and that conversation just barely scratched the surface of what I needed to say. I couldn't imagine how bad it would be if I actually tried to dig deep.
So, for now I"m going to just hold it in, I suppose. I'm pretty sure he won't die within the next couple days or anything. He's on a heavy round of antibiotics, but he's still running a fever. I don't know what that means, exactly. They're going to do another cat-scan on Monday to see if there's any improvement or not. Bleh. Wish us luck, please.