The topic for this morning is prevarication, lies, misstatements of fact and gross exaggerations in members' profiles. You all know what I mean, so feel free to chime in with your favorite examples. We can't name names here, but otherwise have fun. Some lies are more specific to one gender over another, but the biggest bullshit profile line crosses all genders and orientations:
"I am an oral expert."
Sure, we all are. Just look at the profiles and you'll see. I really don't think most people are intentionally lying about their expertise in this area, it's just that they have little or no clue what they're talking about. First, no matter how poorly you are licking/sucking, very few lickee/suckees are going to tell you to stop. Face it, generally speaking, bad head is better than no head at all.
There may be times when no head is better, but it's pretty rare. Maybe when the guy has a two day stubble going and he's grinding on your labia like a wirebrush on a rusty charcoal grill, or when a woman is honing her teeth on your cock like a beaver on a cottonwood. Even in those cases, just when you think you can't stand the cuts and abrasions anymore the oral oaf will hit a good spot that persuades you to allow the inept linguist to continue abusing your nether regions for a few more minutes.
Why don't more people tell these folks they aren't doing it right? Why must the rest of us suffer at the mouths of these deluded oral experts? Simple...the quickest way to go from bad head to no head is to tell the other person they suck at sucking. You can be diplomatic and supportive, with an occasional "ow, watch the teeth" or a "hmm, that's okay, but you need to be THERE." Some merely suffer from ignorance and can be taught if they have desire to learn (these become the real experts with time). An enthusiastic few may respond by continuing their misguided ministrations with more vigor and speed (OUCH!), but most will simply give up.
All this alleged oral expertise...it's like watching American Idol tryouts, and a tonedeaf contestant is shocked when told for the first time in his or her life that he/she can't sing. Don't lead them on. Don't let them think they're good. This isn't elementary school or little league, where our top concern is kiddie self-esteem, so no one stinks and everyone wins a ribbon! These are adults with their lips on your genitals! They must hear the truth!
My first experience with the self-proclaimed head expert was in college back in Williamsburg, VA. I was drunk one Friday night when this semi-cute girl who was built like a stubby fire hydrant stumbled down the hall of my dorm and proclaimed "I'm Cindy, and I give the best head in Tidewater." Naturally, my response was "Gosh, do tell! Can you prove that?" Good lord, it felt like I stuffed my cock into a garbage disposal with scrapes along the shaft and nicks on the ridge of the head. To complicate matters, she must have been told that guys liked to have their nuts massaged, since she gripped and squeezed my scrotum until I thought my balls had fallen into a sausage press. I have no idea if I came or not (remember, this was 25 years ago, and I think I may have mentioned I was drunk). All I know is the carnage to my naughty bits the next day was frightening and my roommate said he woke up in the middle of the night to the sounds of what he thought was a mongoose dismembering a cobra.
BUT...I don't think I told her she was a terrible cocksucker. In fact, a month or so later, while in yet another drunken stupor, I ran into her at a Skip Castro Band show at the Pub. She already had some guy in tow, but I followed her out of when she grabbed Mr. Happy and started doing the elephant walk. In one of the most surreal and peculiar sexual episodes of my life, we headed to a dorm building next door and went into the first dorm room with an unlocked door. There she laid across the foot of an occupied bed and within minutes was being fucked by the first guy as she gnawed on my nort. All the while, the skinny little freshman who had been asleep in the bed sat up with this slut splayed across his legs and watched with a mixed expression of horror and fascination as she was hosed by the first guy and continued working my cock like a #2 pencil in a psychotic sharpener. Once again I'm not sure if I got off, but I do recall she didn't even give the poor surprised kid a shot. As I surveyed the damage to my manly parts and applied soothing unguents the next day I vowed never to accept bad head again.
Well, at least not from her. Like I said, bad head beats no head. My ex always took any suggestions about oral technique as an attack on her womanhood, so I learned to shut up and get infrequent crappy head for years. Since rejoining the single world six years ago I've met many women, all who have claimed to be experts. Perhaps they have been with some guys, but I am not an easy blowjob. Maybe guys who cum fast and have skinny dicks get lots of great head, but that is not a description of me by any means. Mouths get tired, jaws pop, and I know I really am a challenge, but that shouldn't be a problem for a true expert. Only two women have ever gotten me off orally, and one of those was more of a slobbery handjob than a headjob. I will give credit to one friend here who is a deep throat queen...she is truly an expert fellatrix, even if she can't get me choked all the way down past her tonsils. She pays attention, she tries like hell, she watches her teeth and knows how to tell when she's hit a good rhythm and how to keep control. She can dew it every time! But I will keep looking for one who can take it all...
As for the cunnilingual side of things, let's hear from the ladies. My experience is that I'm fairly good at such things, but maybe no one wanted to tell me to stop. Sure, getting a woman to spasm like an epileptic, squirt, laugh uncontrollably or stuff your head half way up her pussy is probably a clue I'm doing a decent job, but I'll keep paying attention, following instructions and trying to learn. I have been amazed at the number of women who have told me most "expert" guys give short, mechanical and perfunctory head. My favorite thing I've heard from a woman: "Damn, you really know what you're doing down there!"
Thank ya ma'am. Down there is a great place to be!
"I am an oral expert."
Sure, we all are. Just look at the profiles and you'll see. I really don't think most people are intentionally lying about their expertise in this area, it's just that they have little or no clue what they're talking about. First, no matter how poorly you are licking/sucking, very few lickee/suckees are going to tell you to stop. Face it, generally speaking, bad head is better than no head at all.
There may be times when no head is better, but it's pretty rare. Maybe when the guy has a two day stubble going and he's grinding on your labia like a wirebrush on a rusty charcoal grill, or when a woman is honing her teeth on your cock like a beaver on a cottonwood. Even in those cases, just when you think you can't stand the cuts and abrasions anymore the oral oaf will hit a good spot that persuades you to allow the inept linguist to continue abusing your nether regions for a few more minutes.
Why don't more people tell these folks they aren't doing it right? Why must the rest of us suffer at the mouths of these deluded oral experts? Simple...the quickest way to go from bad head to no head is to tell the other person they suck at sucking. You can be diplomatic and supportive, with an occasional "ow, watch the teeth" or a "hmm, that's okay, but you need to be THERE." Some merely suffer from ignorance and can be taught if they have desire to learn (these become the real experts with time). An enthusiastic few may respond by continuing their misguided ministrations with more vigor and speed (OUCH!), but most will simply give up.
All this alleged oral expertise...it's like watching American Idol tryouts, and a tonedeaf contestant is shocked when told for the first time in his or her life that he/she can't sing. Don't lead them on. Don't let them think they're good. This isn't elementary school or little league, where our top concern is kiddie self-esteem, so no one stinks and everyone wins a ribbon! These are adults with their lips on your genitals! They must hear the truth!
My first experience with the self-proclaimed head expert was in college back in Williamsburg, VA. I was drunk one Friday night when this semi-cute girl who was built like a stubby fire hydrant stumbled down the hall of my dorm and proclaimed "I'm Cindy, and I give the best head in Tidewater." Naturally, my response was "Gosh, do tell! Can you prove that?" Good lord, it felt like I stuffed my cock into a garbage disposal with scrapes along the shaft and nicks on the ridge of the head. To complicate matters, she must have been told that guys liked to have their nuts massaged, since she gripped and squeezed my scrotum until I thought my balls had fallen into a sausage press. I have no idea if I came or not (remember, this was 25 years ago, and I think I may have mentioned I was drunk). All I know is the carnage to my naughty bits the next day was frightening and my roommate said he woke up in the middle of the night to the sounds of what he thought was a mongoose dismembering a cobra.
BUT...I don't think I told her she was a terrible cocksucker. In fact, a month or so later, while in yet another drunken stupor, I ran into her at a Skip Castro Band show at the Pub. She already had some guy in tow, but I followed her out of when she grabbed Mr. Happy and started doing the elephant walk. In one of the most surreal and peculiar sexual episodes of my life, we headed to a dorm building next door and went into the first dorm room with an unlocked door. There she laid across the foot of an occupied bed and within minutes was being fucked by the first guy as she gnawed on my nort. All the while, the skinny little freshman who had been asleep in the bed sat up with this slut splayed across his legs and watched with a mixed expression of horror and fascination as she was hosed by the first guy and continued working my cock like a #2 pencil in a psychotic sharpener. Once again I'm not sure if I got off, but I do recall she didn't even give the poor surprised kid a shot. As I surveyed the damage to my manly parts and applied soothing unguents the next day I vowed never to accept bad head again.
Well, at least not from her. Like I said, bad head beats no head. My ex always took any suggestions about oral technique as an attack on her womanhood, so I learned to shut up and get infrequent crappy head for years. Since rejoining the single world six years ago I've met many women, all who have claimed to be experts. Perhaps they have been with some guys, but I am not an easy blowjob. Maybe guys who cum fast and have skinny dicks get lots of great head, but that is not a description of me by any means. Mouths get tired, jaws pop, and I know I really am a challenge, but that shouldn't be a problem for a true expert. Only two women have ever gotten me off orally, and one of those was more of a slobbery handjob than a headjob. I will give credit to one friend here who is a deep throat queen...she is truly an expert fellatrix, even if she can't get me choked all the way down past her tonsils. She pays attention, she tries like hell, she watches her teeth and knows how to tell when she's hit a good rhythm and how to keep control. She can dew it every time! But I will keep looking for one who can take it all...
As for the cunnilingual side of things, let's hear from the ladies. My experience is that I'm fairly good at such things, but maybe no one wanted to tell me to stop. Sure, getting a woman to spasm like an epileptic, squirt, laugh uncontrollably or stuff your head half way up her pussy is probably a clue I'm doing a decent job, but I'll keep paying attention, following instructions and trying to learn. I have been amazed at the number of women who have told me most "expert" guys give short, mechanical and perfunctory head. My favorite thing I've heard from a woman: "Damn, you really know what you're doing down there!"
Thank ya ma'am. Down there is a great place to be!
