battered husbands

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by dolfette, Jan 13, 2012.

  1. dolfette

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    it gets nowhere near the publicity as battered wives,
    but i think we all know it happens.

    society expects men to be the strong ones,
    so many men are loathe to admit they are the victims.
    the ''real men don't hit women'' rule is a hard line to cross,
    so many men are rendered self defenceless.

    do you picture the comical image of the cartoon wife,
    frying pan or rolling pin at the ready?

    have you been the victim of female on male domestic abuse?
    have you been the perpetrator?
    have you witnessed this happening?
    what are your thoughts?
     
  2. ManlyBanisters

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    I raised my hand to my ex once. A long time ago, before we were even engaged. He had annoyed me, can't remember what about, and I slapped him on the chest - it wasn't a hard slap, I doubt it even registered above uncomfortable - it was the sentiment behind it that was the problem. He looked me in the eye and said 'Don't ever do that again.' I went for the 'I was only messing about *giggles*' defense. He just said 'No you weren't, don't ever do it again.' There was no threat of return violence, just a clear statement that he wouldn't put up with it. I felt very small for having done it. I'm glad he reacted the way he did. Not my proudest moment.

    I know of a few husbands here, in my area, that are teased about their wives smacking them about if they come home late / get too drunk / etc.. I have no idea how much of the teasing is based in truth but it saddens and sickens me. If those were women no one would dare tease them about their husbands being aggressive - it would be all support and 'proaction'. But it is men, so not only are they expected to put up with violence / aggression from their spouses, but they also have to remain good humoured while people ridicule them about it. It's disgusting.
     
    #2 ManlyBanisters, Jan 13, 2012
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2012
  3. monel

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    This is true but also, if a man retaliated physically, he would be the one hauled off to the police station. Most men wouldn't feel that they were in danger in these situations and so they and society in general are apt to consider the matter less seriously.
     
    #3 monel, Jan 13, 2012
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2012
  4. erratic

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    I think it's a really complex issue, this. As mentioned, men are expected to be strong, to be able to take physical punishment, etc. It's also pretty embarrassing for a lot of guys to admit that their girlfriends/wives control them in any way at all, let alone through physical abuse (or, perhaps more shamefully, sexual abuse). I've known many guys who have suffered through horrendous abuse by women, but have been to embarrassed or too emotionally attached to do anything, or who just took it because that's what men are supposed to do. Take it, and not hit back. I know some who were then accused by their abusers of being abusers - the women telling the police they only hit him because he started it. Thankfully, in those cases, the women's stories were inconsistent enough for the charges to be dropped.

    One of the big complicating factors comes down to, if you ask me, the basic size difference there is between a lot of guys and their girlfriends/wives. Men tend to be bigger. When a big person hits a small person, there's more chance of damage than when a small person hits a big person. Because of that simple fact, I think a lot of abusive behaviour perpetrated by women goes unnoticed because guys don't have to (or are to stubborn to, or too embarrassed to) go to a hospital or a doctor afterwards in the same numbers that women might. Or, maddeningly, it's considered funny. "Look at that little girl hitting that big guy!" It happens in clubs all the time. Rarely, a bouncer will do something about it - but always a female bouncer, in my experience.

    It's not exactly a husband-wife dynamic, but it's illustrative of my point: I remember going to an all-male strip club and a drunk woman ran up on-stage and fondled one of the dancers. The dancer looked terrified, put his hands in the air, and tried to walk away from her while she chased after him, trying to get another grab at his crotch; she didn't even come up to his shoulders - and she had heels on - and was probably less than half his weight. If he'd hit her (and I can't say I would have blamed him), she probably would have been knocked right off the stage, and I would bet the police would have had to get involved. Instead, it ended because the dancer ran off and the woman went back to gab with her friends.

    He didn't touch her. People laughed, and the bouncers did nothing.
     
  5. Charles Finn

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    yes i have a personal story pvt me and i will share
     
  6. D_yabbadabbadont

    D_yabbadabbadont New Member

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    A husband has the same options as the wife, leave! Why be in an abusive relationship?
     
  7. Kotchanski

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    Easily said when you're not in one, and possibly the most offensive comment we could have had thrown into this thread.

    Still, at least you'll serve as a demonstration for why these cases, and those of men against women go unreported so often.
     
  8. Drifterwood

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    I have three close male friends who have been victims of serious domestic violent abuse.

    One left when his wife started throwing kitchen knives at him. He had put up with various other objects.

    One left after he was knocked unconscious by a blow from behind with an iron.

    One is leaving after being repeatedly punched slapped scratched etc etc in front of his small children, as well as a litany of sexual and financial abuse.

    They have confided these experiences to very few people, they did not report any of the actions to the police and did not use the abuse against their wives in divorce proceedings.

    None of my close female friends have suffered anything like this to my knowledge (which of course does not mean that it has not happened).

    I have an old female friend who works in Domestic Abuse. After five years she considers that men suffer at least as much abuse as do women (she went into this work to help women) and that the authorities very rarely get to the worst victims, male or female.

    My three friends above are now in much happier loving relationships.
     
  9. B_debonair87

    B_debonair87 New Member

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    Men are just as much victims of domestic violence as women. Difference is men don't report it or speak about it.

    Never been a victim of it but I treat everyone equally. You put your hands on me you better be prepared to go to war. Man or woman. Don't give a fuck.
     
  10. spoon

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    Dolfette--you posted about female on male domestic abuse. There is also abuse and violence in the gay community. There are a few groups in Boston that work with the victims:

    "The Gay Men's Domestic Violence Project"

    "The Violence Recovery Program (VRP)"

    and, "The Network/La Red: Ending abuse in lesbian, bisexual women's and transgender communities"

    It seems that 'female on male violence' and 'violence within gay domestic relationships' don't get the same coverage.

    Several reasons.
    "society expects men to be the strong ones,
    so many men are loathe to admit they are the victims." Yes this!

    And, people have bad perceptions on loving relationships in the gay community. The cops don't reply as quickly to these "when reported." Plus as mentioned men don't want/loathe to report this because of the societal definitions of what it means to be a man.
     
  11. dolfette

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    i have never witnessed physical abuse but i have seen emotional abuse.

    small scale: i had an argument with my sister last week. she keeps nagging her new guy to ditch the rubbers in favour of her going on the pill, because she enjoys rubberless sex more. i get pretty angry at that. the poor guy has every right to take the safest contraceptive choice. bullying people, male or female, into a less safe sex than they are comfortable with is shitty behaviour and borders on abusive.

    larger scale: my mother. she abused us, she abused pets, now she abuses her husband. i point out how unreasonable she is to her, but he will not hear a word said against her. as someone who has managed to shift the nature of a once abusive relationship and gain the upper hand, it pains me to see her bile simply being redirected to a more compliant victim. but she is dying, a few years at most, so...
     
  12. helgaleena

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    I have a nephew who was in such a relationship, and stayed as long as he could for the sake of his children. But eventually they split anyway, and the ex continued her downward spiral. She died young, drug-related.

    Especially if children are targets, I sincerely encourage any man to swallow his pride and get away.

    Btw where is Colonialguy? He brought this up on another thread re: his in-laws.
     
  13. B_625girth

    B_625girth New Member

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    I have seen a few of my male friends spouses or SOs get very abusive because they know that the guy won't do anything. my BIl lets my SIl abuse him financially, verbally, and non verbally. She won't do anything for him, no dinner, no laundry, doesn't clean the house, no sex. I don't know why he stays.
     
  14. monel

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    There is cowardice in this, which probably says alot about your friend's spouse and those like her.
     
  15. alx

    alx
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    A guy I work with was telling me earlier in the week about an ex that used to hit him. One night she came home, got the frying pan and battered him whilst he was in bed.
    He left her the next day, and took their son with him. He said he would never hit a woman.
    I was a bit surprised by his past situation as the guy is fairly well built and could do damage. If we wanted.
     
  16. Serpentlike

    Serpentlike Well-Known Member

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    I have seen this many times among my friends, it makes me glad to be single.
     
  17. D_yabbadabbadont

    D_yabbadabbadont New Member

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    I appologize. It wasn't meant to offend and certainly I do not condone the act ( my own sister was involved in one for 8yrs ) I know there are lots of reasons to stay with an abuser, kids, money, fear. But can any of these reasons by stronger than living in sheer terror everyday?
    My sister had family, friends and authority that could and would have helped her but she stayed with the basterd. Why!!!
    It took him beating her kids and taking her and my parent life savings before he finally got kicked ( literally ) to the curb.
    Aconitum sorry if my post upset you or anyone else but having experienced this 1st hand my veiw is a little messed up.
     
  18. englishmale

    englishmale New Member

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    I work as a lawyer in the UK i can say the police take it seriously but the voluntary agencies who are meant to help the vicitms do nt. Some refuse even to help male victims.
     
  19. petite

    petite New Member

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    That's terrible! That needs to change. Male victims deserve just as much support as female victims.
     
  20. englishmale

    englishmale New Member

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    i agree with you Petite, but the voluntary agencies do nt seem to believe men can be victims
     
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