Being Sexually Fluid in a Monogamous Relationship

[deleted1602651]

I’m sexually attracted to folks - gender doesn’t matter to me - I could easily eat pussy with the same fervor that I suck dick or eat ass. The guy I’m dating identifies as gay and monogamous-focused; he has not had varied sexual experiences and has communicated a lack of interest, whether thru socialized moral conditioning, fear of sexual exploring, and/or true lack of interest in engaging in other sexual activity (threesomes, open, kink, etc). While sex is greatly important to me, it’s not smart to base the entire relationship or his limited sexual journey but I also don’t want to stifle my own interests and experiences. I don’t want him to feel pressured to acquiesce to my interests and I’d rather be honest than carry-on secret experiences. I guess I’m thinking about whether this relationship supports my sexual identity or if I need to make a hard decision and let this go?

I would appreciate any thoughts you could share and thank you!

 

[Brodie888]

You probably should tell him what you want and don't want. Let him decide if it works for him.

You should not expect him to change any more than he should expect you to change.

Based on what you are saying, you should find someone more compatible and don't waste any more of each other's time out of guilt or selfishness.

By being bound to each other you are preventing others who are more compatible to have that opportunity.

 

[chpoof]

You've described him in a negative light here (socially conditioned, afraid, uninterested, limited), so it sounds like you already have serious doubts about whether this could work. How long have you been dating? Have you two made any kind of specific commitment to each other? The big question here is, do you feel comfortable being in a committed, same-sex, monogamous relationship, if that's where this is headed? If you're unsure, you need to communicate this to him immediately. It sounds like you're likely not going to be compatible.

For some personal context, my husband and I are both gay and have been in a monogamous relationship for almost 28 years. He played the field quite a bit before we got together, whereas I had few sexual experiences. But when we started dating, we both wanted the same thing. Sex is greatly important to us as well and we have lots of it, but just with each other.

 

[LPSG Simon]

Just also going to mention that one of the reasons that people enter into non monogamous relationships is because one partner has sexual needs or interests that are not the same as the other's. Ie: one person has a kinky side and the other doesnt, so the premise for being non monogamous is so the person can entertain those things without dragging the other partner along.

This book is actually pretty amazing and you could read it together if you want to bring up an arrangement:

Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships: Taormino, Tristan: 9781573442954: Amazon.com: Books

If monogamy is a deal breaker for him though, you may need to table that you have some irreconcilable differences at the fundamental level and just try to be friends instead.

 

[Floodwater]

You probably should tell him what you want and don't want. Let him decide if it works for him.

You should not expect him to change any more than he should expect you to change.

Based on what you are saying, you should find someone more compatible and don't waste any more of each other's time out of guilt or selfishness.

By being bound to each other you are preventing others who are more compatible to have that opportunity.

I completely agree. Your compatibility does not seem long term. Don’t change yourself.

 

[winesthel945]

Good advice above. Experience and interests are essential to communicate, and while you may like this guy a lot, it sounds like you are in very different places in your sexual experiences and journey, and your interests may very well never mesh well with his comfort. While he might evolve, you cannot count on that. What you can count on is conflict, growing frustration and resentment, and the constant pressure pushing you in different directions. Better to get this all out in the open and go in with a clear understanding of where the points of conflict are so that you can decide whether you'll be able to resolve them now, or wait till they explode later.

 

[deleted1602651]

You probably should tell him what you want and don't want. Let him decide if it works for him.

You should not expect him to change any more than he should expect you to change.

Based on what you are saying, you should find someone more compatible and don't waste any more of each other's time out of guilt or selfishness.

By being bound to each other you are preventing others who are more compatible to have that opportunity.

Thank you for your feedback. Everything I’ve written here I have also communicated with him.

 

[17398591]

I’m sexually attracted to folks - gender doesn’t matter to me - I could easily eat pussy with the same fervor that I suck dick or eat ass. The guy I’m dating identifies as gay and monogamous-focused; he has not had varied sexual experiences and has communicated a lack of interest, whether thru socialized moral conditioning, fear of sexual exploring, and/or true lack of interest in engaging in other sexual activity (threesomes, open, kink, etc). While sex is greatly important to me, it’s not smart to base the entire relationship or his limited sexual journey but I also don’t want to stifle my own interests and experiences. I don’t want him to feel pressured to acquiesce to my interests and I’d rather be honest than carry-on secret experiences. I guess I’m thinking about whether this relationship supports my sexual identity or if I need to make a hard decision and let this go?

I would appreciate any thoughts you could share and thank you!

Fluid?

 

[deleted1602651]

You've described him in a negative light here (socially conditioned, afraid, uninterested, limited), so it sounds like you already have serious doubts about whether this could work. How long have you been dating? Have you two made any kind of specific commitment to each other? The big question here is, do you feel comfortable being in a committed, same-sex, monogamous relationship, if that's where this is headed? If you're unsure, you need to communicate this to him immediately. It sounds like you're likely not going to be compatible.

For some personal context, my husband and I are both gay and have been in a monogamous relationship for almost 28 years. He played the field quite a bit before we got together, whereas I had few sexual experiences. But when we started dating, we both wanted the same thing. Sex is greatly important to us as well and we have lots of it, but just with each other.

I have communicated to him that we may not be compatible for any long-term relationship aside from a friendship. He’s a bit stuck on, “You’re the one”. I have no problem being in a monogamous relationship with the caveat that my sexual life will be fulfilling, and I’m not sure that will be true.

 

[deleted1602651]

Good advice above. Experience and interests are essential to communicate, and while you may like this guy a lot, it sounds like you are in very different places in your sexual experiences and journey, and your interests may very well never mesh well with his comfort. While he might evolve, you cannot count on that. What you can count on is conflict, growing frustration and resentment, and the constant pressure pushing you in different directions. Better to get this all out in the open and go in with a clear understanding of where the points of conflict are so that you can decide whether you'll be able to resolve them now, or wait till they explode later.

This is what I’m sitting with currently — I respect the feedback and greatly appreciate it. Thank you.

 

[deleted1602651]

Just also going to mention that one of the reasons that people enter into non monogamous relationships is because one partner has sexual needs or interests that are not the same as the other's. Ie: one person has a kinky side and the other doesnt, so the premise for being non monogamous is so the person can entertain those things without dragging the other partner along.

This book is actually pretty amazing and you could read it together if you want to bring up an arrangement:

Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships: Taormino, Tristan: 9781573442954: Amazon.com: Books

If monogamy is a deal breaker for him though, you may need to table that you have some irreconcilable differences at the fundamental level and just try to be friends instead.

Just also going to mention that one of the reasons that people enter into non monogamous relationships is because one partner has sexual needs or interests that are not the same as the other's. Ie: one person has a kinky side and the other doesnt, so the premise for being non monogamous is so the person can entertain those things without dragging the other partner along.

This book is actually pretty amazing and you could read it together if you want to bring up an arrangement:

Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships: Taormino, Tristan: 9781573442954: Amazon.com: Books

If monogamy is a deal breaker for him though, you may need to table that you have some irreconcilable differences at the fundamental level and just try to be friends instead.

I have this book and thank you for your feedback. He’s not interested in nonmonogamy, at all haha.

 

[Brodie888]

I have communicated to him that we may not be compatible for any long-term relationship aside from a friendship. He’s a bit stuck on, “You’re the one”. I have no problem being in a monogamous relationship with the caveat that my sexual life will be fulfilling, and I’m not sure that will be true.

In the early part of a relationship, hormones make people plaster over the gaping cracks that will surface when the honeymoon is over.

If you stay together, either you will become resentful if you are made to be monogamous or he will resent you for sleeping around. It's not that he isn't good in bed or tries his best, it's not that you don't care for him, it's that you will eventually crave variety that will drive you crazy if you don't get it.

You both can't bargain your way out of a situation if the difference is black on one side and white on the other.

You need to find someone who equally wants an open relationship and let him find someone who wants monogamy.

 

[Brodie888]

From the sounds of things, you seem very pragmatic about the situation.

But he seems willing to compromise all his principles to make it work. It's like a friend of mine who really loved this guy and wanted to have kids badly but her partner said from the start he didn't want any. Long story short, they had a messy divorce years later because she wanted kids and he didn't change. So all those years she could have had kids were wasted and now she biological clock is running out. Sad really.

 

[chpoof]

I have communicated to him that we may not be compatible for any long-term relationship aside from a friendship. He’s a bit stuck on, “You’re the one”. I have no problem being in a monogamous relationship with the caveat that my sexual life will be fulfilling, and I’m not sure that will be true.

The "you're the one" thing has to go both ways (meaning both partners need to be on board with that).

 

[LPSG Simon]

I have communicated to him that we may not be compatible for any long-term relationship aside from a friendship. He’s a bit stuck on, “You’re the one”. I have no problem being in a monogamous relationship with the caveat that my sexual life will be fulfilling, and I’m not sure that will be true.

"You're the one" can be a bit of a red flag. Like chpoof said, it has to go both ways, and it means that the compatibility comes from respecting and admiring the differences in the other person. Without that, it kind if just infers some sort of ownership over the other partner...

If you're the one for him, he should accept you how you are, and how you came to his life, not what he thinks you should be or should become.

 

[deleted1602651]

"You're the one" can be a bit of a red flag. Like chpoof said, it has to go both ways, and it means that the compatibility comes from respecting and admiring the differences in the other person. Without that, it kind if just infers some sort of ownership over the other partner...

If you're the one for him, he should accept you how you are, and how you came to his life, not what he thinks you should be or should become.

I agree with your sentiments and want to clarify - he’s not looking to change me nor I him. I’m thinking about what I may sacrifice, compromise, or negotiate regarding my current sexual needs/desires and if I will be satisfied with that. I don’t need to make a concrete decision at the moment but just thoughts I wanted to put out into the universe. Thank you for responding.

 

[Christopher_James]

Open discussion.

If unable to, might be more a problem overall.

Good luck!

 

[deleted4667851]

No matter what you decide. Be honest and open. Do not agree to monogamy and then fool around behind his back. That’s a horrible feeling to experience. Be honest with him.

Maybe watch porn together - things you are interested in like bi porn or kink and ask him what he thinks while you masturbate his cock.

But ultimately neither of you should have to do or not do anything outside of your comfort zone

 

[LPSG Simon]

Anyone ever experienced an open relationship arrangement where one partner is monogamous to the other, but the second one is not?

 

[MisterB]

Anyone ever experienced an open relationship arrangement where one partner is monogamous to the other, but the second one is not?

No, but I had two relationships that were agreed upon to be monogamous; it was unfortunate that I was the last one to find out that both relationships weren't.

If only I had known we weren't, I too could have been getting laid a lot more than I was.

Maybe as much or even more than they were, lol.