Coming out

[Catharsis]

So I've come out to my three closest friends and my mom, so far... All of whom have been very supportive for me and closer than ever before.

My mom has encouraged me to come out to my dad this weekend when I visit him for Memorial Day... I plan on coming out to both him and his wife (my stepmom) at the same time.

I have my suspicions that my dad already knows that I'm gay and is pretty much waiting for me to tell him - but I'm still afraid of what his response is going to be. I have a feeling that, even though he knows (or at least suspects), my telling him will make it "real," if that makes any sense. I expect some tears and sadness and a very solemn atmosphere. I do not expect support, and in fact I completely expect my dad to try to "fix" me. He's already trying to strongly encourage me to date other girls (I would say that he "forces" me to do that, but it's not like he's set me up on blind dates or anything).

I'm really not sure if I'm ready to tell them. I have no idea how I'm supposed to lead into it, how to tell them, how to respond to their reactions (although I'm more worried about how I'm going to respond to my dad's). All I know is that I have to try to be positive and let him know that he did nothing wrong and that I'm happy with who I am. But... It's going to be tough.

Any ideas or tips?

 

[IntentsOfCare]

Goodluck

 

[Tattooed Goddess]

I'm Coming Out by Diana Ross - YouTube

It's Raining Men. - YouTube

 

[petite]

You are so brave! Congratulations! That's wonderful.

 

[TenInchAdmirer]

I have never spoken with you in the chat room- I am usually in pvt with buddies. But I am from Conn also- in the NE corner.

Sounds like you have good instincts, but since you welcomed "ideas or tips:"

In the last year I had two separate MAJOR conversations with two younger friends- one was about professional behavior and career stuff, the other involved helping a buddy come out.

Since I was instigating the conversations, and since I was determining their outcome, I found that it helped me to really rehearse the major points in advance, and I even numbered the points and sketched them out on index cards. And although I didn't use the cards during the conversations, it gave me more self-assurance, and I felt very prepared going into the talks.

I would concentrate on being completely CONFIDENT, 100% POSITIVE about your message. And I would think about it like you are basically delivering a MESSAGE, or making an announcement. I would not regard it as a "conversation" or as a "dialogue," and certainly not as a "debate" or "discussion." If you were announcing an engagement, you would not open the topic up for any discussion or input, right?

You seemed to have all the important points prepared and ready to deliver them to your dad and step-mom. I would emphasize that you already have a HUGE group of supportive family and friends- so that they immediately realize they will be in the minority if they don't get with the program.

You may want to think about a "closing" or "wrap-up" to the message, indicating that you have delivered your message and made your point. And don't be afraid to say something like "You are both so important to me that I really look forward to having your support, and now I will leave you alone for a while to let this sink in . . . "

Just don't stick around too long after you have made your point. And you may want to give some thought to the timing- perhaps save this til the end of the visit, instead of springing it on them the minute walk in the front door.

All in all, it doesn't sound like you need any advice, maybe just ENCOURAGEMENT! Just stay CONFIDENT and IN CHARGE, and don't invite any discussion.

 

[funnyguy]

Catharsis,
I will be thinking of you and plugging for you. You are so very sensible and mature--so much so that I have no doubt that you will do just fine. I send along supporting thoughts and a BIG HUG--just for good measure <3
(I could have PM'd you, but want you to see this publicly 'cause I thought it would give you more strength. PM to follow later, maybe after the weekend.)

 

[HunggGreek]

Good luck Cath You're a wonderful brave man!

 

[CUBE]

Teninch has said it well. Good luck to you. I have a feeling you need to do this now. Your mom must have a good instinct too. She is saying do it. Best to you. You are worth it.

 

[monel]

It doesn't sound like you need any advise. Good luck, Cath.

 

[Water dragon]

yeh man, may the force be with you!

 

[Dave NoCal]

I agree with TenInch. This is not a debate or a discussion or a negotiation. It is information that will help your father and step-mother understand an additional dimension of your life. In this day and time, if your father is not overtly anti-gay, he probably has some clue. Still, don't be surprised if there is some reaction. It is not uncommon for parents, when they get this news, to experience grief for the heterosexual life they assumed thier child would have. If you father reacts negatively you might try that angle on him. My guess is that your step-mother will be alright - she doesn't have as much at stake.
Keep your head about you and leave if you need to.
Dave

 

[tnman]

Cath, It will all work out for you man, I am here for you! good luck man

 

[Enid]

:hug:

 

[Infernal]

You can never know how this will go, but each time gets it gets easier to do. You may be surprised and find that your dad knows more than he's letting on and is just waiting to hear it from you. Try not to go into the situation with any expectations from him. If he doesn't know, respect his reaction, even if you don't agree with it, and give him the time and space he needs to deal with his feelings. If things are bad, stand your ground, but know when to leave if you need to. If things are good, then take all the hugs you can get.

Good luck to you !

 

[Stringer]

I did it a year ago and it was one of the best things I've ever done. Best of luck.

 

[deleted718765]

I don't really have any advice. It seems like you already know what you're doing. At least you have the support of your mom and friends (which is more than I can say for me)

Good Luck. I hope everything goes well.

 

[Catharsis]

Thanks so much for your encouragement and advice, guys.

I think... I'm going to come out to them on Saturday. Sunday will be a busy day to prepare for Monday, which is when we're having guests over. But then my stepmom usually works on the afternoon and never wakes up early (she always wakes up and then gets ready to leave for work) - she comes back to cook and then we have dinner and then she cleans. And then, when all they want to do is relax in the evening, I'm going to come out to them? I don't really know how that's going to work. But I guess I'm going to have to find a way...

But I'm serious, guys - unlike what you all apparently think, I really am looking for advice. I literally have no idea how to lead into it. How do you think I should get them together to sit down? Do I say, "I have something important to tell the both of you, do you have a few minutes?" or something else? Should it be at our dinner table in the kitchen, or on the couch in the living room?

 

[LaFemme]

So much has changed for you since I first met you. You were so unsure of yourself back then, didn't know who you were or what you wanted. In that time, you have completely changed - your sexual identity has changed, and with that your confidence has increased and you have become strong and sure of yourself - the way that I always knew you would be.

I don't know how coming how will be received. What I do know is that you've seem happier and more alive than you ever were in the past. Teninch gave great advice on how to deliver the news. Be true to yourself. For that, you will never be sorry.

Good luck! :hug:

 

[matt19cm]

You could do it like the guy in the movie Broken Hearts Club and say "pass the key lime pie and I'm gay"

 

[LaFemme]

Thanks so much for your encouragement and advice, guys.

I think... I'm going to come out to them on Saturday. Sunday will be a busy day to prepare for Monday, which is when we're having guests over. But then my stepmom usually works on the afternoon and never wakes up early (she always wakes up and then gets ready to leave for work) - she comes back to cook and then we have dinner and then she cleans. And then, when all they want to do is relax in the evening, I'm going to come out to them? I don't really know how that's going to work. But I guess I'm going to have to find a way...

But I'm serious, guys - unlike what you all apparently think, I really am looking for advice. I literally have no idea how to lead into it. How do you think I should get them together to sit down? Do I say, "I have something important to tell the both of you, do you have a few minutes?" or something else? Should it be at our dinner table in the kitchen, or on the couch in the living room?

As to where? How? I guess saying, "I have something important to tell you, can we talk for a few minutes?" is as good a start as any.

Sitting in the kitchen around the table is a little more formal, while sitting in the living room allows for more comfort and less formality. You know your family best. If you're going to make a speech and then let them absorb the information, the kitchen/dining table might be best - give them the news and then leave. If you're going to stick around and talk, maybe the informality of the living room. Again, you know your family best.

People tend to behave better when they sit in straight chairs around a table with tea, coffee or water, rather than sitting on soft furniture where they can slouch. Just a little psychological trick that might help. Might not, too. Family is always tricky.