Coming out

[LaFemme]

I am unusually sympathetic to parents in "coming out" scenarios. Be patient. Give your dad time to get used to the idea.

Just remember that your parents probably still think of you as a little kid, like when you were 8 years old, when you had a big gap-toothed smile, when you were their "pride and joy" etc.

But as soon as they find out you're gay, your dad's first mental image was probably of you getting nailed by a leather daddy.

So maybe understand you can see why he reacted emotionally :tongue:

It took several years for my parents to come around. On one hand, it strained our relationship because they did not like my being gay. On the other hand, our relationship improved quickly (because I was no longer hiding from them, and no longer scared of their reaction).

Eventually, my parents came to accept me. I have heard the same kind of story from many, many other guys. Statistically speaking, your dad is likely to accept you too. It will just take some time.

This whole post seems pretty dead-on, but the bolded part may be where the disgust comes from. It can hit a dad pretty hard to think of his son with another man.

For a parent, finding out that your child is gay, may mean killing off the hopes and dreams you had for that child. For some parents this is far more serious than for others. The fact that your step-mom is supportive is a really positive thing - she'll be in your corner, talking to your dad, trying to help him understand.

You did the right thing. It's done now, Cath, and good for you! I'm so proud of you. I know it was hard and that it hurt. But now you can lead an honest life and be completely yourself. All I can say again, is, I'm proud!!!!

 

[CUBE]

Good for you. I know your dad's actions are confusing and may feel upsetting. He is just processing this and that's all it is. He didn't hit you he just needed some alone time. You stood your ground and you were honest. This is how he raised you I bet too. He will come around and a clear indicator is your stepmom. She was OK. She will work with him on it...you'll see. I do not know you but I am happy for you and your life is better for this being over.

 

[Infernal]

I'm glad you did it, even though it didn't give you the reaction you were hoping for. Give him time and space, and let him approach you on it. Just keep being you, be proud, and let him see that you're well and happy. Parents seeing their children happy tends to make everything else they don't like easier to deal with.

 

[Catharsis]

Well, I'm still rather upset about this. But there's nothing I can do - it's up to him to resolve it and accept me.

He's a religious man and he said that God didn't design for two men to be together, so yeah, perhaps some images of anal sex were going through his mind, comparing it to vaginal sex which is more of what God/nature inteded. I won't deny that's true, but he still think it's a choice I made for myself.

Well... I didn't make it a debate of religion (and neither do I intend to do so here). I didn't make it a debate at all. But he has made it clear that no future partner is allowed in his house, which I will accept and obey. His house, his rules. I'll have my own when I have my own place.

It's nice enough to know that at least my mom would welcome any boyfriends - at least I could introduce any of them to her. I wouldn't be able to have them over her house either, though, because my stepdad has disowned his own nephew for being gay... And I'm not quite ready to be disowned, yet. And there's a lot more to the story - but that would be getting perhaps a bit too personal.

Oh well...

 

[Catharsis]

And I would like to take the time to thank everyone for your encouragement, support, and advice. I didn't exactly follow through with what everyone suggested, but I saw an open opportunity and I went for it.

I don't regret it... I know that I needed to come out, eventually, and I'm only glad that I did, indeed, get it done and over with.

So... now I just wait.

 

[Hand_Solo]

Good luck. You did a very brave thing, and I hope things work out eventually.

 

[TenInchAdmirer]

Well, none of us said this would be easy, or that you could predict the outcome, or that you would be happy with the results.

But I think what is most important is that in addition to coming out as a gay man, you really came out as a MATURE ADULT, and showed everyone (your family, your personal friends, and also, your online buddies) you are a REAL MAN!

You confronted a difficult situation and accomplished your mission.

Remember, you had time to prepare your message; your dad's reaction was expressed without similar preparation.

Hope the rest of the weekend goes OK for you.

 

[funnyguy]

I am sure this will all work out just fine--in due time. As you have said, he may need time and space to process this new information. BUT HE WILL, and I am sure he has and will love you. Talk about GAY PRIDE, you are a perfect example of that. And we are ALL proud of you and will be your support in any way we can. We will always be here for you--our brave, courageous, sweet, dear Cath!

 

[LisaMarie]

First of all... Wish I could give you a hug. I can only imagine how hurt you must feel. Try to understand (as others have touched on) as parents we tend to map out our children's lives before they are even conceived. We have hopes, dreams, goals, achievements, degrees, careers, a wedding and children we want. We have absolutely no right to want these things for someone else's life!!! But we do.

This may sound mellow dramatic, but you have to give your father time to mourn over losing the "idea" of the life he expected you to have. Your mom and your stepmom have your back. Your dad loves you. He WILL come around. (((hug))) :smile:

 

[LisaMarie]

Well, none of us said this would be easy, or that you could predict the outcome, or that you would be happy with the results.

But I think what is most important is that in addition to coming out as a gay man, you really came out as a MATURE ADULT, and showed everyone (your family, your personal friends, and also, your online buddies) you are a REAL MAN!

You confronted a difficult situation and accomplished your mission.

Remember, you had time to prepare your message; your dad's reaction was expressed without similar preparation.

Hope the rest of the weekend goes OK for you.

That is sooo true and such a very good point!!!

 

[D_Yuri_Nation]

Remember, you had time to prepare your message; your dad's reaction was expressed without similar preparation.

That is sooo true and such a very good point!!!

Seconded. Or I guess Thirded.

 

[Hanzhanz]

Well, I'm still rather upset about this. But there's nothing I can do - it's up to him to resolve it and accept me.

If God truly didn't want 2 guys to be together, there'd be a 1:1 male to female ratio. He'll come around, brother, just wait. In the end, all will be well.

 

[travis7]

I'm sure it took a few years do you to except that you are gay, now give him the same respect. Give him time, space.
My sister didn't talk to me for months.
My brother didnt talk much at all. N now we are closer then we
Ever been.
I'm sure if you bought this DVD , ya s-mom woul watch
It. And maybe ya dad too.
"Prayers for Bobby" Trailer - YouTube

Your not alone. We all been in ya shoes, some good some bad.
Don't bring it up again unless he brings it up. But do live your life.

 

[erratic]

Congratulations! Humongous respect for coming out, and even more for keeping your cool.

I agree with everyone else that your dad needs some time, but his reaction was still pretty shitty and self-centred. He was thinking of him at that moment, not you. But he was also thinking of the you who he thought you were, and you told him pretty emphatically that you're not entirely the same as his image of you. It's a hard, hard thing for some parents to accept that their children are absolute individuals, and not just extensions or repeats of themselves, their hopes, and their expectations.

So remember that his upset is all about him, and your patience is demonstrating that you're being the grown-up right now.

Still, his response was pretty shitty. You have every right to be upset about it, and when the time comes, you will have every right to hold him to account for his shitty response. Until then, remember that you're demonstrating beautifully what a mature and compassionate man you are.

And seriously, congratulations on coming out to your folks! It's tough work, as you well know, and you deserve to be lauded for it.

 

[travis7]

Family are the ones who love you for you. . You both need time.
What I would do right now is.
Say. Hey dad if you want I'll go back to moms right now, I love you n just don't want any conflicts.

 

[Catharsis]

I know... He's not a bad man. He did raise me, after all, and I don't think I came out so bad. Except for the fact that I'm gay, haha.

I don't want to make him seem like a bad guy. I was just really upset. Quite frankly, his reaction could have been much worse - but realistically, I was expecting much better because I could have sworn he already knew. Or, maybe he did, but what happened was what I almost knew would happen: me admitting it would make it official, real, and final.

He's always emphasized that he wants nothing more for me than to be happy and to live my own life, and I thought that because he didn't necessarily expect me to live as he would, that he would actually be alright with me being gay. Maybe not thrilled, but also not so upset. But then there's a chance that, because of this way he raised me, he'll eventually come around.

But, I guess the one expectation that he did have for me was to pass on the family bloodline (seems purely biological and natural by instinct to pass on the genes - survival of the fittest and such). I'm his only son and his only child, and one of the first things he said to me when I came out was that it all ends with me. Of course, that's what I also thought, but then some people suggested other options - surrogacy was one of them where I could actually have a little Cath in my life and he would have a grandchild in his.

Anyway, trust me that I do not plan on bringing this up again unless he does! I'll just give it some time.

Once again, thank you all for your encouragement and support.

 

[travis7]

Good to hear buddy. Now when he comes around . Joking may be good..
Could tell him you could hook up with a lesbian . Haha.
It will all be fine

 

[CUBE]

I still think, given some time, your dad will be OK. He is thinking of his own shit right now and it is all about him. He will get over it down the road. You may be surprised just how he can grow. Sorry you are hurting. Like the others have said, wish I could give ya a big ol hug right now. You said you thought he knew. I would tend to think he did. Denial is his m.o. and has been for a good while. And for heavens sake...you can have anything in your life...kids, monster family, great partner. He can join your family or not but you do indeed have an open road before you. You sure sound like a good guy. Peace to you.

 

[Infernal]

Time and patience is what it takes, and progress is a slow process. Just remember that his generation has a different point of view. Let him know you respect his beliefs and feelings even if you don't agree with them, and that you expect he treat you with respect as well. Once things calm, then maybe he will be open to discussion with you.

 

[Stringer]

Hi Cath,

First off I'm glad I can call you a friend on this board. You're a very good and authentic guy from all of our interactions.

I can't add much to what others said but I just wanna emphasize how maturely and level-headedly you went about coming out to your father. You're 19 and you handled this like a full grown man, coolly and calmly beyond your years. For that, bravo.

Echoing other members, give Dad some time to come around. Even after I came out, just a year ago, to my liberal, loving, and amazing parents, it was very strange for them in the subsequent days after telling them. They were in a state of shock - that their son was gay, completely throwing off the image they had of me. My dad said to me the day after I came out: "Mom and I are fine with you being gay, it's just tough picturing you having sex with another man."

And it is tough. Just know that your father's negative and dazed reaction is normal - as sad as that is to say. He's in a daze, and he'll come out of it once he realizes you're the same great guy he always knew (just that you happen to prefer men sexually). It might take a while, but it'll happen in all likelihood.

Congrats again. You did this for YOU more than anything and for that, I'm sure a huge burden has been lifted. My relationships with those I've come out to are infinitely better.