Confession Time
- Thread starter Heather LouAnna
- Start date
I understand wanting an open relationship but the part in bold confused me after I read this:
If sex is so "sacred" to him why does he want to sleep with other people? I'm actually surprised to read this since you've always struck me as someone who wouldn't give up her sexual freedom for anything. That said, I understand not wanting to hurt his feelings but if you really want an open relationship you need to be honest about your feelings. Do you think you can stay in a relationship that isn't open?
Most people believe that entering a long-term relationship means monogamy is an unspoken agreement but I don't. You appear to understand the difference between monogamy and fidelity but i'm not sure your boyfriend does. Methinks it should be discussed. In any event I hope you two work things out. Sounds like you enjoy each other immensely.
Principessa
Expert Member
HeatherLouAnna, Have you tried looking into a polyamory group for a mate? Cause your average American man ain't gonna go for that mess in a marriage.
QFT
QFT
Not sure if it debunks the love theory but it does make me question his commitment.
I gotta agree with T_K. You need to stick a fork in this sorry excuse for a 'relationship' cause it's done.
After reading this, wow, just go single. It seems you want so much independence, that it's our animalistic urge to just roam and fuck and spread our seed (which pretty much IS the point of life, looking at it from an evolutionary stance). If sexual independence and pleasure mean this much to you, then he really isn't for you.
And the whole pre-cum thing, wow.... made me laugh. Not like every guy out there can pre like a fountain, just like how some women out there experience dryness even during arousal.
Verdict : Get out quick
And the whole pre-cum thing, wow.... made me laugh. Not like every guy out there can pre like a fountain, just like how some women out there experience dryness even during arousal.
Verdict : Get out quick
That's so odd, because I was thinking of this topic today. The last girl I was with, I wouldn't cum in her mouth... because I was emotionally unattached to her. Romantic, huh?
Penis Aficionado
Legendary Member
- Joined
- Dec 1, 2007
- Posts
- 2,948
- Media
- 0
- Likes
- 1,201
- Points
- 198
- Location
- Austin (Texas, United States)
- Sexuality
- 50% Straight, 50% Gay
- Gender
- Male
All these responses telling Heather LouAnna to just end her relationship make me sad.
Basically, Heather, you made three points:
1. You deeply love your boyfriend and want to spend the rest of your life with him.
2. For various reasons he does not fully satisfy you sexually.
3. Therfore, you want to remain his girlfriend while having sex with other people.
Now, I am admittedly a freak, but to me #3 follows extremely logically from #1 and #2.
If your boyfriend refuses to take #2 seriously, and/or will not consider #3, then you do have a problem. But please don't listen to all the conventional souls telling you that just because of #2 and/or #3, your relationship is fatally flawed.
I can kind of relate to your boyfriend because like him I am very submissive with girls, and yet I know many girls crave that sense of being "taken" by a man, as you described. The difference between me and your boyfriend is that -- especially if I found myself dating a beautiful, sexual powerhouse such as yourself -- I would actually rejoice if you found another guy to give you that feeling.
It seems to me that's what you really need to talk to your boyfriend about -- tell him that your unmet sexual needs do not mean that he has in some way failed. It just means that you crave something different than what is in his nature to provide, and that fucking a guy who gives you that doesn't mean you love him -- your boyfriend -- any less.
Basically, Heather, you made three points:
1. You deeply love your boyfriend and want to spend the rest of your life with him.
2. For various reasons he does not fully satisfy you sexually.
3. Therfore, you want to remain his girlfriend while having sex with other people.
Now, I am admittedly a freak, but to me #3 follows extremely logically from #1 and #2.
If your boyfriend refuses to take #2 seriously, and/or will not consider #3, then you do have a problem. But please don't listen to all the conventional souls telling you that just because of #2 and/or #3, your relationship is fatally flawed.
I can kind of relate to your boyfriend because like him I am very submissive with girls, and yet I know many girls crave that sense of being "taken" by a man, as you described. The difference between me and your boyfriend is that -- especially if I found myself dating a beautiful, sexual powerhouse such as yourself -- I would actually rejoice if you found another guy to give you that feeling.
It seems to me that's what you really need to talk to your boyfriend about -- tell him that your unmet sexual needs do not mean that he has in some way failed. It just means that you crave something different than what is in his nature to provide, and that fucking a guy who gives you that doesn't mean you love him -- your boyfriend -- any less.
Diesel2215
Experimental Member
I say don't give up on him!! In my relationship I am the adventures one. (Shame I've corrupted my wife big time) I't's has taken me 12 years to bring her out of her shell.
If he is worth it then spend the time on him, rather have a gentleman than an ass hole who is good in bed and treats you like out of the bedroom. Trust me when you are 80 and not interested in sex anymore (presumption) then what do you have if you don't have friendship.
Cheers
D
If he is worth it then spend the time on him, rather have a gentleman than an ass hole who is good in bed and treats you like out of the bedroom. Trust me when you are 80 and not interested in sex anymore (presumption) then what do you have if you don't have friendship.
Cheers
D
invisibleman
Loved Member
- Joined
- Oct 10, 2005
- Posts
- 9,802
- Media
- 0
- Likes
- 653
- Points
- 303
- Location
- North Carolina
- Sexuality
- 99% Gay, 1% Straight
- Gender
- Male
Why is it so hard to find someone that's a perfect man in and outside the bedroom? Somehow, the two are never in the same package. My boyfriend and I have lived together for over a year. I work from home and don't have a car, so sometimes he's the ONLY person I see for days and days. He's my best friend, my lifeline, my everything. We laugh and laugh and laugh. Money's always good. We go out on dates, we dance, we're happy. I want to marry him, I want to have his children. I want to be with him for the rest of my life....and..
I want an open relationship.
It seems like he thinks sex is some sort of sacred thing. As a woman that's been with 40+ men, I can't bear claim to this belief. I believe in making love, and I believe in fucking. I believe that humans aren't MEANT to be with one person forever. It's not in my genetic makeup, my instinct, my being, to be with one person forever.
And with all that said........here's my sex complaints:
1) He doesn't kiss me WITH TONGUE. I want a gross, nasty, wet, big, sloppy kiss. It's a little Highschool and grody but it's something I really like. I miss a makeout session! I miss when a man will do nothing but kiss me, when all I want is to fuck him and he WONT LET ME. That's hot to me! We've been together for a year and haven't even learned how to kiss each other properly. (This one is completely my fault. I should be more open about it, tell him what I want, and tell him it's a huge deal to me and that when I think about it, it just makes me want to cry.)
2) He doesn't precum AT ALL. Nothing gets me wetter than a sloppy cock. One gentleman that I had the great honor of fucking on this messageboard was Chase (aka our dear lost beloved Spladle) . He precums SO MUCH that once when he went to the doctor, she told him that she swore he had some sort of STD. He told her her thought it was precum. She suggested they test him right there. He freaked out and called everyone he'd has sex with and told them they may have something and the test came back negative.
STOP THE MUTHAFUCKIN' PRESSES!!!
Why didn't you marry Spladle?!!! That guy has dick for two beyotches and a men's restroom lurker. And he has a great sense of humor. I bet he would even allow you the open relationship aspect if you need it.
invisibleman
Loved Member
- Joined
- Oct 10, 2005
- Posts
- 9,802
- Media
- 0
- Likes
- 653
- Points
- 303
- Location
- North Carolina
- Sexuality
- 99% Gay, 1% Straight
- Gender
- Male
"Honey, I want to do something romantic?"
"Gallatoire's?!!!" (Girlfriend pisses her pants with joy jumping up and down) "You got reservations!!!!"
"No."(Her facial light dims. She notices the gingham stitched napkin in his hand. The light in her eyes shine up.)
"Oh, darling. Picnic and a stroll around Lake Pontchartrain. You remembered. We did that on our first date together. That is so sweet."
"Oh, darling. Picnic and a stroll around Lake Pontchartrain. You remembered. We did that on our first date together. That is so sweet."
(Her man giggles uncomfortably...) No. That isn't it either.
(She's puzzled...in that "Well what is it...the suspense is killing me." look.)
"I was wanting to take our relationship to the next level..."
(And she really starts to beam...) "Oh, no--you didn't..."
"I was kinda thinking that this time when you go down on me...I want to come in your mouth. I want to fill your mouf with my come."
(She is like 'd and she looks at the gingham napkin in his hand. She is 'd. Then she looks at him and...)
'd and she looks at the gingham napkin in his hand. She is 'd. Then she looks at him and...)(He looks :mischievous: at her.)
rawbone8
Cherished Member
- Joined
- Jun 30, 2004
- Posts
- 2,816
- Media
- 1
- Likes
- 299
- Points
- 303
- Location
- Ontario (Canada)
- Sexuality
- 99% Straight, 1% Gay
- Gender
- Male
It seems that you both care a lot for each other but are offering sacrifices to each other that are missing the target, so to speak. Instead of denying your needs, get him involved in understanding them and valuing them.
He seems to be trying to be an unselfish lover by delaying his orgasm and offering you some control over when he comes — and it is ironically a fairly selfish posture to you, because he is denying you his unrestrained passion. He does not see this. IMO, control seems to be his goal, for some reason. Maybe he read that it makes him a better lover? That said, it may be simply who he is at this stage of his life. We all try to explore and establish identities as youth that change as we grow into fuller formed beings.
If he has submissive tendencies and wants you to dominate him more he seems to be weakly hinting rather than communicating them. I suspect that this is some unexplored territory for you and him.
You seem afraid of his reaction to your sexuality and fucking others. You fear what? His fears and insecurity? Losing his approval? Disappointing him? Losing him? Do you know this reaction on his part as fact or is this based on your intuition? Is your control issue in the relationship that you must protect him?
You have talked about how his ideals about sexuality are different from yours. Does that mean you have to deny your ideals to take care of his? That's a losing posture if sacrifice of something that is really important to you is part of your long term plan. There's compromise, and there's capitulation.
Your reluctance to be truthful about your sexual desires is potentially more damaging to the success of your relationship than protecting his feelings. Truth doesn't have to be used as a weapon. Use it with good sense.
Assess how both of you seek approval through sacrifice. Assess how both of you seek control though sacrifice.
Profess not confess. Negotiate.
As an aside, you and he have different approaches to sex. Read this hilarious essay by Lisa Carver.
Some of My Best Friends are Sensualists.
He seems to be trying to be an unselfish lover by delaying his orgasm and offering you some control over when he comes — and it is ironically a fairly selfish posture to you, because he is denying you his unrestrained passion. He does not see this. IMO, control seems to be his goal, for some reason. Maybe he read that it makes him a better lover? That said, it may be simply who he is at this stage of his life. We all try to explore and establish identities as youth that change as we grow into fuller formed beings.
If he has submissive tendencies and wants you to dominate him more he seems to be weakly hinting rather than communicating them. I suspect that this is some unexplored territory for you and him.
You seem afraid of his reaction to your sexuality and fucking others. You fear what? His fears and insecurity? Losing his approval? Disappointing him? Losing him? Do you know this reaction on his part as fact or is this based on your intuition? Is your control issue in the relationship that you must protect him?
You have talked about how his ideals about sexuality are different from yours. Does that mean you have to deny your ideals to take care of his? That's a losing posture if sacrifice of something that is really important to you is part of your long term plan. There's compromise, and there's capitulation.
Your reluctance to be truthful about your sexual desires is potentially more damaging to the success of your relationship than protecting his feelings. Truth doesn't have to be used as a weapon. Use it with good sense.
Assess how both of you seek approval through sacrifice. Assess how both of you seek control though sacrifice.
Profess not confess. Negotiate.
As an aside, you and he have different approaches to sex. Read this hilarious essay by Lisa Carver.
Some of My Best Friends are Sensualists.
Last edited:
AllHazzardi
Experimental Member
- Joined
- Oct 19, 2004
- Posts
- 338
- Media
- 76
- Likes
- 24
- Points
- 163
- Location
- Palm Springs, California
- Sexuality
- 100% Straight, 0% Gay
- Gender
- Male
Just going to do a quick reply in general to the primary question of the post;
Why is it so hard to find a guy who is perfect outside and inside the bedroom?
Here's the short version;
The typical guy who would be perfect INSIDE the bedroom is a "bad boy" type who had lots of sex through his teenage years when girls go for the "bad boy" type. This type of man, on the majority, is not going to be perfect in a relationship due to inflated ego/"bad boy" mentality.
The typical guy who would be perfect OUTSIDE the bedroom is a "nice guy" type who, on the majority, hasn't had copious amounts of copulation through his teenage years due to girls typically not going for the "nice guy" type. This type of man will have the emotional, sensitive, and courteous qualities which are important for being good in a relationship, but may or may not be dynamite in the bedroom.
Notes;
Not all women seek the same kind of guy for a relationship, but a majority of women as they age prefer a more stable and solid relationship, which is most often gained from the "nice guy".
Not all "bad boys" are unstable in a relationship, likewise, not all "nice guys" are good in a relationship. It's a question of balance, but as a general statement, "nice guys" are more likely to be good in a meaningful relationship.
Why is it so hard to find a guy who is perfect outside and inside the bedroom?
Here's the short version;
The typical guy who would be perfect INSIDE the bedroom is a "bad boy" type who had lots of sex through his teenage years when girls go for the "bad boy" type. This type of man, on the majority, is not going to be perfect in a relationship due to inflated ego/"bad boy" mentality.
The typical guy who would be perfect OUTSIDE the bedroom is a "nice guy" type who, on the majority, hasn't had copious amounts of copulation through his teenage years due to girls typically not going for the "nice guy" type. This type of man will have the emotional, sensitive, and courteous qualities which are important for being good in a relationship, but may or may not be dynamite in the bedroom.
Notes;
Not all women seek the same kind of guy for a relationship, but a majority of women as they age prefer a more stable and solid relationship, which is most often gained from the "nice guy".
Not all "bad boys" are unstable in a relationship, likewise, not all "nice guys" are good in a relationship. It's a question of balance, but as a general statement, "nice guys" are more likely to be good in a meaningful relationship.
Well OP, the problems you are having many many men have themselves, with the roles reversed actually. I'm sure if you searched around enough, you'll find posts here and on other messageboards of women complaining that their men don't think sex is sacred enough, and complaining that the man wants an open relationship rather than the reverse in this case. So this tells me either 1) This is not a man vs. woman issue, so why ask what mens' problems are, or why don't 'perfect' versions of us exist (like a perfect version of a woman exists either?), or 2) No matter what we do as men, it is and NEVER will be enough, so we are damned if we do, damned if we don't, so why bother caring at all?
I haven't yet read all the responses but I am going to throw my opinion out there. First, this is by far the most honest and open post I've read on this site in a long time, perhaps ever. So thanks for sharing.
Second, I feel it's really short sighted to come out and say it's time to break up. What may seem so simple after reading a post is surely far more complicated. Also, it's really easy to say "you should have this conversation with him not us" when in fact it's not that easy. We all know communication is the key to a strong relationship but the fact is it's not always so simple, at least it doesn't always feel simple.
Thirdly, almost everything I've said here is a reflection of how I feel with regards to my own relationship. What's most frustrating about reading your post is that you sound like the perfect woman! If only I could have had a woman who feels the way you so about these things. From what what most women have told me there are plenty of others out there just like you. Damned if I ever met one though. I assume your post has elicited a host of responses from men who think they would have been perfect for you.
Second, I feel it's really short sighted to come out and say it's time to break up. What may seem so simple after reading a post is surely far more complicated. Also, it's really easy to say "you should have this conversation with him not us" when in fact it's not that easy. We all know communication is the key to a strong relationship but the fact is it's not always so simple, at least it doesn't always feel simple.
Thirdly, almost everything I've said here is a reflection of how I feel with regards to my own relationship. What's most frustrating about reading your post is that you sound like the perfect woman! If only I could have had a woman who feels the way you so about these things. From what what most women have told me there are plenty of others out there just like you. Damned if I ever met one though. I assume your post has elicited a host of responses from men who think they would have been perfect for you.
Enid
Worshipped Member
- Joined
- Jul 3, 2008
- Posts
- 7,363
- Media
- 10
- Likes
- 17,725
- Points
- 393
- Age
- 55
- Location
- Arlington, Texas, US
- Sexuality
- Unsure
- Gender
- Female
- Enid,
What rawbone said was extremely smart. There's appropriate sacrifice and inappropriate sacrifice. This needs to be addressed together so that you can move past it. I know it's easy to say, and oh-so-much harder to do...but consider the alternative of not speaking up. You'll just continue to be unhappy, and why waste time being unhappy when you can do something about it? There are polite, respectful ways to approach the issue, and I'm sure with some thought & consideration you can figure out what works best for you. You sound like a bright young woman and I wish you the best.
- Joined
- Jun 28, 2006
- Posts
- 1,668
- Media
- 2
- Likes
- 73
- Points
- 193
- Age
- 43
- Location
- Austin, Texas
- Sexuality
- 60% Straight, 40% Gay
- Gender
- Female
Wow. I didn't think it'd go out for three pages. lol I don't have time to reply to everyone.
Thanks so much for everyone's reply and advice. I made a mental tally of all the replies. I think they went like so:
"Get out of this relationship." (Seriously, not something I even considered)
"You're not telling him what you want." (Yeah, I know..lol I can just see it spilling out in some drunken conversation between us: "YOU DON'T KISS ME." and then it'll all hit the fan)
"Stop thinking you're such hot shit, Heather LouAnna, because you're not." (seriously, this last one, if you knew me..lol not gonna happen. I'm a terribly modest person in all aspects of life, but inside I think I'm the bees knees. Maybe it's that everyone around me constantly tells me I am?)
I don't think a lot of you understand my history properly, as many of the regulars that posted here when I frequently did (over a year ago) have moved on to greener pastures. Before I met this guy oneday, I was a self touting Golden Unicorn - that'd be a Single Female Swinger. I was sometimes dating five men at a time, all who knew about each other, and didn't care I was dating even more than that occasionally. I was the mistress to a married internationally famous mass nude photographer. I was on numerous swinger and dating websites. I'd have sex with sometimes three different guys a week. My record was three in a 24 hour period, all without the knowledge of each other.
A year ago, I never paid for a thing. If I needed sex, a ride somewhere, an escort to the club, anything at all, I could find a man within yelling distance to throw his coat over a puddle for me. You've never seen so much fine china. I don't know how it happened, but I hit a certain age in my life and men started just hanging around me and trying to.....buy me stuff. It's really hard not to Anna Nicole out and find some geyser to let me live in his yacht and eat nothing but beluga all day.
I just met my boyfriend oneday at work. He came over and hung out that night, and then DIDN'T GO HOME for an entire year. I stopped calling all my "regulars" and became this house wife. It was entirely irregular for me and a huge shock to everyone who knew me. He finally moved his stuff in about 9 months in. I pay all the rent and all the bills. He doesn't lift a finger around the house. I do all the chores, all the dishes, the laundry, the vacuuming, everything. In return, I don't pay for anything outside the household. He pays for all the groceries, anything I ask for, all the times we go out to eat, all the gas his Audi TT eats up, while driving me where I want to go. The guy treats me like a princess and because of that, I feel like I have to wear this fucking chastity belt.
I've drastically changed my lifestyle to be with him and I've been kicking and screaming the entire way. I feel like Samantha Jones in Sex and the City.
Yeah, I just need to sit down and talk to him about it. lol It's so funny, because everytime I try to do something like that, HE'S the one that starts crying. He's more of a woman than me, I swear. <3 lol :biggrin1:
Thanks so much for everyone's reply and advice. I made a mental tally of all the replies. I think they went like so:
"Get out of this relationship." (Seriously, not something I even considered)
"You're not telling him what you want." (Yeah, I know..lol I can just see it spilling out in some drunken conversation between us: "YOU DON'T KISS ME." and then it'll all hit the fan)
"Stop thinking you're such hot shit, Heather LouAnna, because you're not." (seriously, this last one, if you knew me..lol not gonna happen.
I'm a terribly modest person in all aspects of life, but inside I think I'm the bees knees. Maybe it's that everyone around me constantly tells me I am?)I don't think a lot of you understand my history properly, as many of the regulars that posted here when I frequently did (over a year ago) have moved on to greener pastures. Before I met this guy oneday, I was a self touting Golden Unicorn - that'd be a Single Female Swinger. I was sometimes dating five men at a time, all who knew about each other, and didn't care I was dating even more than that occasionally. I was the mistress to a married internationally famous mass nude photographer. I was on numerous swinger and dating websites. I'd have sex with sometimes three different guys a week. My record was three in a 24 hour period, all without the knowledge of each other.
A year ago, I never paid for a thing. If I needed sex, a ride somewhere, an escort to the club, anything at all, I could find a man within yelling distance to throw his coat over a puddle for me. You've never seen so much fine china. I don't know how it happened, but I hit a certain age in my life and men started just hanging around me and trying to.....buy me stuff. It's really hard not to Anna Nicole out and find some geyser to let me live in his yacht and eat nothing but beluga all day.
I just met my boyfriend oneday at work. He came over and hung out that night, and then DIDN'T GO HOME for an entire year. I stopped calling all my "regulars" and became this house wife. It was entirely irregular for me and a huge shock to everyone who knew me. He finally moved his stuff in about 9 months in. I pay all the rent and all the bills. He doesn't lift a finger around the house. I do all the chores, all the dishes, the laundry, the vacuuming, everything. In return, I don't pay for anything outside the household. He pays for all the groceries, anything I ask for, all the times we go out to eat, all the gas his Audi TT eats up, while driving me where I want to go. The guy treats me like a princess and because of that, I feel like I have to wear this fucking chastity belt.
I've drastically changed my lifestyle to be with him and I've been kicking and screaming the entire way. I feel like Samantha Jones in Sex and the City.
Yeah, I just need to sit down and talk to him about it. lol It's so funny, because everytime I try to do something like that, HE'S the one that starts crying. He's more of a woman than me, I swear. <3 lol :biggrin1:
- Joined
- Jun 28, 2006
- Posts
- 1,668
- Media
- 2
- Likes
- 73
- Points
- 193
- Age
- 43
- Location
- Austin, Texas
- Sexuality
- 60% Straight, 40% Gay
- Gender
- Female
