So, I was supposed to have a counselling appointment today (always a good way to open a conversation...) but my counsellor called in sick. I need to get this stuff out of my system, so it's going here. This might get heavy. Previously in SomeGuy's Life: I admitted to myself that I have feelings for other men, and realised I've been so far in the closet about it that I've been having adventures in Narnia since I was about 6 or 7. I had a crush on my best friend at school and several crushes on other guys since then, and I had denied this to myself. This all came (hur hur) after a pretty disastrous one night stand with a woman who took my virginity. I realised that I had very little interest in the female form and that most of my crushes were on men. So I tried to come to terms with this. I talked to a counsellor and tried to make a few friends in the LGBT community. This didn't turn out very well and I haven't really made any headway. I made a few contacts on-line (2-3 from here in fact) and spoke to them for a while but soon realised I had nothing in common with these people except an arbitrary label and we've sort of fallen out of contact. But as time has passed I'm feeling numb towards the prospect of a relationship. I feel... conflicted about this. Social pressure conditions me to seek companionship, hormones pressure me to seek sex, but I feel apathy towards the prospect. It's like feeling hungry and at the same time not wanting to eat - I feel conflicted, and like something is missing but also like I'm not that interested in finding it. I feel numb and torn in different directions. I used to consider myself asexual, but I'm not too keen to wear that label again, as I have had crushes. Also usually when I feel that way, I've retreated from the world to protect myself from depression, which comes and goes from my life like an abusive lover. Sometiems I don't know when I've retreated though, sometimes it isn't clear to me that. I think i might be just pushing this to the back of my mind to make life simpler - while I don't have a boyfriend i don't need to do any "coming out", while I don't have a girlfriend i don't have to confront my attraction to men, while I don't look for either I don't have to think about it. And things have been rough recently. Some terrible things have happened to relatives of mine, and I'm hurting for them. But one of them is in such a state I can't even bring myself to go visit... it'd be too painful to see them like that. Guilt. And I'm fed up of this city, and my best friend has been getting on my nerves, and the girl who took my virginity has been going around telling everyone she made me gay, which isn't something I really want. But hell it's not her fault, she has a need to affirm her personality in the eyes of others by presenting her life as a train wreck which needs fixing. Some people are like that. I seem to end up hanging around them, probably because I'm the opposite - my mind is a wreck but I have the outward appearance of being a funny, egocentric but on the ball joker. I'm ranting. Woops. Sorry. And oh god it's the final year of my degree... too much work, not enough time, what the hell do i do after this shit? Too much to think about right now, so I had to write it down somewhere. Comments/heckles are welcome. Trolls will be beaten to death.