Confusion about needs/wants/emotions.

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by SomeGuyOverThere, Feb 16, 2010.

  1. SomeGuyOverThere

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    So, I was supposed to have a counselling appointment today (always a good way to open a conversation...) but my counsellor called in sick. I need to get this stuff out of my system, so it's going here. This might get heavy.

    Previously in SomeGuy's Life:
    I admitted to myself that I have feelings for other men, and realised I've been so far in the closet about it that I've been having adventures in Narnia since I was about 6 or 7. I had a crush on my best friend at school and several crushes on other guys since then, and I had denied this to myself.

    This all came (hur hur) after a pretty disastrous one night stand with a woman who took my virginity. I realised that I had very little interest in the female form and that most of my crushes were on men.

    So I tried to come to terms with this. I talked to a counsellor and tried to make a few friends in the LGBT community. This didn't turn out very well and I haven't really made any headway. I made a few contacts on-line (2-3 from here in fact) and spoke to them for a while but soon realised I had nothing in common with these people except an arbitrary label and we've sort of fallen out of contact.

    But as time has passed I'm feeling numb towards the prospect of a relationship. I feel... conflicted about this. Social pressure conditions me to seek companionship, hormones pressure me to seek sex, but I feel apathy towards the prospect. It's like feeling hungry and at the same time not wanting to eat - I feel conflicted, and like something is missing but also like I'm not that interested in finding it.

    I feel numb and torn in different directions.

    I used to consider myself asexual, but I'm not too keen to wear that label again, as I have had crushes. Also usually when I feel that way, I've retreated from the world to protect myself from depression, which comes and goes from my life like an abusive lover. Sometiems I don't know when I've retreated though, sometimes it isn't clear to me that. I think i might be just pushing this to the back of my mind to make life simpler - while I don't have a boyfriend i don't need to do any "coming out", while I don't have a girlfriend i don't have to confront my attraction to men, while I don't look for either I don't have to think about it.

    And things have been rough recently. Some terrible things have happened to relatives of mine, and I'm hurting for them. But one of them is in such a state I can't even bring myself to go visit... it'd be too painful to see them like that. Guilt. :(

    And I'm fed up of this city, and my best friend has been getting on my nerves, and the girl who took my virginity has been going around telling everyone she made me gay, which isn't something I really want. But hell it's not her fault, she has a need to affirm her personality in the eyes of others by presenting her life as a train wreck which needs fixing. Some people are like that. I seem to end up hanging around them, probably because I'm the opposite - my mind is a wreck but I have the outward appearance of being a funny, egocentric but on the ball joker.

    I'm ranting. Woops. Sorry.

    And oh god it's the final year of my degree... too much work, not enough time, what the hell do i do after this shit?

    Too much to think about right now, so I had to write it down somewhere. Comments/heckles are welcome. Trolls will be beaten to death.
     
    #1 SomeGuyOverThere, Feb 16, 2010
    Last edited: Feb 16, 2010
  2. B_Hung Jon

    B_Hung Jon New Member

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    Just off the top of my head I would ask you if there's at least one person you know, man or woman, who loves you just for you? Then I would spend as much time as I could with that person and let them know your current situation. I think a lot of your issues seem to be about what other people think of you and not how you're perceiving yourself. It seems to me it's more important to take care of your own emotional condition and not worry about others. Love yourself at this point, and appreciate what you are and have to offer to others. All the best.
     
  3. Chase1600

    Chase1600 Member

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    Just off the top of my head I would say follow Hung Jon’s always impeccable instinct.

    I’m glad to read you are in counseling; don’t jump to conclusions reading my saying it; your life reads nothing like a disaster area and instead, you read like someone who has a lot going for him, but there are obviously lots of changes and things concurrently in flux. That’s a circumstance for experiencing depression. The best candidates for counseling are people who really have great strengths and are strongly motivated but could use some help with this or that.

    You are right to withdraw from the gay –straight defining business right now. Those labels are just words. You are you, not words.

    If the people you’ve had crushes on are male, maybe the person you will one day fall in love with will be male. You won’t be falling in love with a gender, but a specific person because you respond to just how great they are. Fine if both of you have the same gender and you decide to call yourselves gay – but you won’t have fitted yourself in the gay box, you’ll have let yourself be who you are and eventually let any labeling fall as it may.
     
  4. coachreffn

    coachreffn Active Member

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    I am proud to add what I can after reading both of these incredible men's responses to you. There is great wisdom in both of their responses. Now is not the time to focus on labels or crushes. Just because you had a disastrous experience with one woman does not mean that you are off limits to all women. Focus on other things besides a sexual relationship. Wank off when you are horny and tired and frustrated...but get things done in your day, meet people, make someone laugh, do something kind for someone without any thought of receiving anything for it. I think everything will fall into place for you once you start getting a better sense of self..and that comes from what we DO and not from what we feel about ourselves. Get out there and love a few people for who they are. Relax. Breathe, Exercise, Eat well. Let life fall into place.
     
  5. pwrdick

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    Many of us who were sexually confused as youths did the same thing - we put blinders on and focused on something other than sex to avoid comng to terms with our dillemma. Like you, I did not have ANY sexual contact with anyone until I lost my virginity at age 22. I was just too scared to deal with it.

    I'd recommend staying with counseling as long as you can. Talking will certainly help you come to terms with accepting more parts of yourself. But while that is going on, I agree with others here in not trying to pursue relationships based on sex right now. Look at building a support and social network based on your other hobbies and interests. Resist as best you can any desire to act the way people expect you to act and resist having THEM apply labels on you. Instead, try and find that genuine part of you, the part that is innate and what brings you happiness and fulfillment. Train yourself to rely on that more and more to express yourself and do the thinhgs that YOU want to do.

    As you become more confident in yourself and begin to like yourself, an amazing thing will start to happen. People are drawn to people they sense as genuine and true to themselves. They also avoid those who appear to only be playing a role or acting. Once you start remaining true to yourself and being as honest as you can to who you are, people will start to be drawn to you. Its wonderfully self-reinforcing. But you have to start that off within yourself.

    YOU are the one who matters the most to you So work hard to treat yourself with honesty and respect. The rest will follow over time.

    And avoid guilt. It got me married before I should have even considered the deed!

    My best, and feel free to chat more one-on-one via e-mails if you want.
     
  6. D_Harvey Schmeckel

    D_Harvey Schmeckel New Member

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    Apathetic ambivalence about relationships seems like a normal response to the stresses you describe-- not a sign that there is anything flawed about you or your longterm relationship prospects. I was miserable in graduate school for similar reasons-- didn't like the place, didn't know where I'd end up, knew I'd be gone within a year, so why the hell try to have a social life? But once I was settled and employed, dating soon followed. If your experience is similar, you can then start learning from experience what you do and don't want/need sexually and emotionally. It's a lifelong process so enjoy the ride!
     
  7. SpeedoMike

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    visiting the mens support group at the local GLBT center was very helpful for me. however, not all groups may suit your personality or needs. visit more than one if possible. The benefit was that I met a cross section of gay men and realized none of them fit the limp-wristed stereotype. (not a negative statement, just my preference.)

    surprise! gay men came in all sizes, colors, personalities, etc. I made new friends which is the first step to developing a relationship. if you are looking for a friend with benefits, that too may happen.

    second, I found counseling helped me focus on what I really wanted in life.
     
  8. SomeGuyOverThere

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    Thanks for the insightful responses, especially HungJon and Chase1600.

    @Hung Jon
    Sad as it sounds the two people in my life who are best at listening to me are my mother and my counsellor. I don't really want to speak to my mother about this for obvious reasons, so my counsellor gets an earful 1 hour a week every week :tongue:

    @Chase1600
    Thanks for your kind words. My life isn't really a disaster area, and I know that, I'm just not that good at figuring out what I want or what to do. I gather it's pretty common. It's easy to point out flaws in others but hard to look in the mirror and do the same.

    @pwrdick
    I have been throwing myself into social events recently, trying to expand my horizons a bit, as they weren't terribly broad previously. But I've fallen into a depressive slump recently and been neglecting my friends a bit.

    @SpeedoMike
    I've had a few places recommended to me to volunteer etc. but I found they were not the kind of social circles I wanted to be in. Not in a negative way, just in the kind of "I don't see eye to eye with these people" way.
     
  9. Drifterwood

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    Be happy being yourself. And good luck.

    Anyone who loves you wouldn't want anything else.
     
  10. imminda

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    It's ok if you want us to listen too.

    In fact, confiding to strangers is often easier, and you'll find them far less judgmental. Or, at least, I have. On the same track, I often write out everything I feel, put it away without reading, then when I pick it up the next day, find all kinds of things to tell myself. With even that 24 hours distance, things look differently. Some better, some worse.

    Disaster area - all of ours lives are a disaster area, to ourselves. Pick the person's life you most envy, and then take a close look, it's a mess too. You are at the end of a chapter in your life, it has a climax approaching, that's always stressful, then there will be the inevitable denouement. Life is full of ups and downs. And god, the end of education, formal education, is a damned drastic line to cross. it's no wonder you are stressed and frazzled.

    Social Life - no one said you had to do things with your friends. It's easier, less to think about, but maybe, for example, you like french filsm and none of them do. Why stop yourself from finding a filmfest, going, and starting a conversation with someone there. You already have something in common, who knows, you might just find a new friend. Don't ever feel pressured to keep up with everyone, if they are good friends, they will get it, and be there when life is less frazzled.

    Really, we are always here to listen, even if you just want to rant and rave.

    So, tell us some of your interests, we'll chat you up!
     
  11. silvertriumph2

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    SGOT....

    It's replies like these which you have received to your request for help, that make lpsg such a great place and why I am thankful it
    exists, and enjoy being a part of it.

    All of those responding have given you excellent advice and I
    certainly can't pretend to add anything of substance. Just let me
    say that being 22 and finishing school is a very stressful time with
    lots of changes, doubts, uncertain futures, and scary times. But
    you know what? It is a rite of passage and we all have gone
    throught it....and even though we did not think so at the time, everything turned out okay after all.

    Stop worrying about labels, or what you are, or not susposed to
    be. Don't try to be like others or be pressured by them to conform.....just be yourself. Try different things, make friends
    with varied interests, and again....be YOU. You will do fine.

    Good luck
     
  12. D_Humper E Bogart

    D_Humper E Bogart New Member

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    Someguy, I know exactly what you mean, from a Hetro POV. There's not much in the way of advice or learning that can be done. I do belive counselling can help, or confiding. It's all about finding your own path, wherever that might lead, but life is for living, even if it's on your own, as long as it's your life.
     
  13. helgaleena

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    My dad, who otherwise is not very supportive, gave me grad school advice:

    Eat when you have to eat, sleep when you have to sleep, shit when you have to shit.

    I didn't comprehend it at the time and didn't thank him, but it truly came in handy now and then! It is not wrong to put your own needs and support first, because if you don't the productivity goes right down the tubes. And counseling is well and good, and that obnoxious female was incompatible fundamentally, but we are all people no matter what tackle our body comes with and the main thing for you now is to care for yourself and get on with the 'job and settled' scenario, so that you will have more leisure to branch out into caring for others.

    Wank when you have to wank. Post when you have to post.
     
  14. badgirl22

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    I don't really have any advice for you because I can't truly relate to those conflicting emotions. But, I did want to send you a cyber hug and tell you I wish you the best. I think it's just fine to sit in the middle for a bit and not look for a relationship of any type if it makes you feel too pressured or conflicted. Finishing your studies without the additional emotional mind crap of a relationship is probably for the best anyway. When you find what you truly want you're going to know it.

    I don't know why society in general puts so much emphasis on relationships. I wanted to strangle my parents when I was in my 30s and single...by choice. They were horrified I wasn't on a path towards getting married like they had or like my sister did. They coudn't understand why I was *wasting* my time/life - certain I had to be unhappy because I didn't have a partner to love me. The reality was I was enjoying my life, doing what I wanted, when I wanted and living fully. I had hobbies I couldn't get enough of and friends I loved. I did not feel the *need* for more and basically scoffed at men's attempts to get close to me. At the time I just didn't need the comfort of someone else in my life. Probably should have stayed that way...cause eventually I looked around and thought perhaps I was missing something and went and got married. Divorced now and happy again to be independent.

    I didn't mean to hijack your post...truly, wish you well. When you do decide what you want or you just happen upon it, your partner will be a lucky person indeed.
     
  15. Jonathan2/11

    Jonathan2/11 New Member

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    I knw how u feel ..I aint exactly out of the closet cuz I do think the worse, like would my friends still talk to me if they knew I was gay ...thats the main reason Im in hiding so to speak, but umm u just gotta let go of all those negative thoughts, u gotta think positive if u keep thinking negative then ur gonna continue feeling depressed ... instead of looking at the bad in everything look at the good but u gotta feel it to ...good luck
     
  16. Vestigial

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    Wishes, want and will...

    I was fixated with labels for a time, perhaps as amusement, perhaps as self-exploration.
    Straight, Bisexual, Pansexual, Omnisexual... they were worth as much as the Online Quizzes that gave me them.

    Ever considered transcending these issues? Is there anything you are after beyond the social whorl of life?

    Either way, there is plenty that can be done about what you are currently facing.
     
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