Could You Do It?

rope9839

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Here is the situation of one of my close friends. It has already provoked some interesting conversation with her and I thought it might generate some discussion here.

The woman in question is actually an ex that I have stayed very close to. To say that she has lived a lusty life would be an understatement. I met her when she decided she needed a one night stand and I was "it." Eight years later we still are around.

Anyway, late last year she decided to take a new approach with men. She really would like to settle down and find one guy. Most of her friends have already married. She isn't set on kids, somewhat because she is nearing 40.

One of the things she decided this time is that she was going to put off sex until she was really sure she liked the guy. She put up an online ad and was pretty specific that physical things would wait until the relationship was established.

She dated several guys and then happened on to one that seemed to be a good fit in a lot of ways. He is a little older, divorced once, no kids and owns his own business. He lives a little north of us, in a really nice house he built on a lake. He has nice cars, takes care of his mom and really has started to take care of my friend - fixing her car, driving her around and taking her places she hasn't been before. She started telling me and others that she did like and thought it might we working out.

Even though they had both indicated up front that sex could wait, they did talk about it and this is where I began to wonder a bit about him, though I kept it to myself. He had no kids from his first marriage and indicated that he had a "genetic issue" that meant he probably couldn't father children. The issue came up a couple times and she actually mentioned it to me. She confided then that she thought he meant that he was impotent. She was OK with that. She's been with well over 100 guys and more than you realize use Viagra, etc to get going.

A week ago she was at his place and decided to escalate things. She apparently asked him if he'd ever wondered what she tasted like, which after as many drinks as they'd had, he gave in on. The problem was when she asked to reciprocate, he really did not want her to do anything. She can be pretty persistent and told him "Look, if there is a problem here, just tell me and we can deal with it together."

The problem was, when she slid down his pants, he for all intents does not have a penis. She said he has a "regular" sack, but that his penis was almost like he had a foreskin, but no dick. He apparently told her he was sorry.

She stayed the rest of the weekend and then he brought her home. They have gone to lunch twice since, but she is really torn. She has talked to me and a couple of her other friends. She really likes / liked this guy and was willing to wait for sex. She was even OK when she thought it was ED. But she was really taken aback but what she actually found.

She feels terrible. First, she feels bad for him. It really has to be an extremely hard thing for a guy. Second, she feels bad that she is probably going to make a decision based on sex. She was ready to wait, but she is really not sure she can move forward to someone that can't have intercourse at all. She knows there are a lot of things to sex, but the idea of never being penetrated by her partner again wasn't something she had thought about. She compared it to if someone had a horrific accident and couldn't have sex again, but said that is random and something that you didn't get a choice in going in.

One of her girlfriends actually suggested that she just go with the guy and find someone else - with me being the unfortunate example - to take on the other tasks he can't. This actually made her mad. Like I said, she likes the guy and this is a pretty traumatizing thing to her.

All of that ramble was for the question, what do you think you would do in a situation like this? Are you aware of anything similar? Even though they entered into this relationship under the idea of "waiting" for sex, do you think he should have let her know earlier that he had a situation that was so debilitating to that prospect? I don't know what she will do. I am sure I haven't heard the end of the story.
 
D

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I think the reason you may not have got no replies is your opening post is like a wall of text way too much to read :(
 

Chaotica

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FWIW - She just sent me a text and she is going to go over to his house and break it off tonight.

Aww...that's a shame. Monogamy is great when all pistons are firing. In this case, there's a missing piston. It's too bad her friend's idea didn't appeal. Maybe she was ready to settle down with someone who could show her morning wood every day. It's gotta suck for him, having an inkling of why she's breaking it off. But it's good that she's not going to drag this out and prolong the misery.
 

paigexox

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:eek: Point form next time, please.


I don't think I would be comfortable with a male partner that I couldn't have traditional sex with. Call me shallow, but that situation is too weird for me. The image painted in my head is an unattractive one from both a visual and romantic perspective. I am of the opinion that bedroom activities would be a very sensitive issue, and I can't even find words for how the one-sidedness would make me feel.
 

rope9839

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I talk to her this morning and, as you imagine, the conversation with the guy didn't go well. She apparently tried to lie - badly - and say it was going faster than she wanted and that she couldn't see being that far away from her family (his house is about 45 minutes away). She said he wanted her to admit it was his "physical problems," but she wouldn't do it.

My friend is kind of a mess, mainly because she is telling herself she finally tried to do it the "right way" and put off sex and this happened. I've tried to tell her two things: One, there is no "right way" to find a partner, so she can't get to tied up in that angle. And, two, as many times as I heard her say she "really liked" this guy I never heard her say she loved him. If you were going to accept his issue, it would have to be a situation where you were unconditionally in love with someone.

I feel really bad for the guy. Nice enough guy. Tried a little too hard, but I can see why now. Really a shame all the way around.
 

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Sex is more than intercourse; it's more than a penis penetrating vagina; sex is to be had in many different ways by people.

She's crushed? Pfft. I feel for him. He can't change his situation. She can find dick anywhere.
 

botticellisvenus

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I understand about his size, but I can't tell if he has a low libido, and he's not getting erect. That is, if he's a grower, not a shower. Or, if the foreskin (whatever is visible), is all he has to work with (him erect).

Of course, he's embarrassed, but did they talk about the real problem? I am guessing they did not. For many reasons, erectile dysfunction is common after age 40, and he may have been too embarrassed to consult his urologist. Just in general, men don't see medical doctors unless they're in dire physical pain.

It would be nice for her to have a talk with him about all this. Regardless of whether they have a relationship or not, it could be a growing experience for them both.
 

rope9839

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Sex is more than intercourse; it's more than a penis penetrating vagina; sex is to be had in many different ways by people.

She's crushed? Pfft. I feel for him. He can't change his situation. She can find dick anywhere.

This is one of the reasons I pointed out that she always talked about "liking him a lot" rather than "loving him." I think that there are more things that become just part of the person if it really is love.

It's odd that she would talk to me about all this, but that is the nature of our relationship. Being a man myself, I have tried to put myself in his shoes and I think it would really be tough. Given that so much of this site - and for that matter my sex life - is around the novelty of having a bigger than average penis, I can't imagine what it must be like for this guy. I'll admit, I always look forward to the first time that a new partner wants to bring that part of me into the relationship, from what she said, this guy had tears streaming down his face when she pulled his shorts down.

I have to give him a lot of credit. He was married before and has built a pretty nice life up north. He was dating a pretty girl and had her thinking about settling in with him. He easily could have given up on this aspect of his life, but he is still trying. I posted this in the Women's section, but I almost wonder if it is worth the question to men "Would you try and date if you didn't have a functioning penis?"
 

rope9839

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I understand about his size, but I can't tell if he has a low libido, and he's not getting erect. That is, if he's a grower, not a shower. Or, if the foreskin (whatever is visible), is all he has to work with (him erect).

Of course, he's embarrassed, but did they talk about the real problem? I am guessing they did not. For many reasons, erectile dysfunction is common after age 40, and he may have been too embarrassed to consult his urologist. Just in general, men don't see medical doctors unless they're in dire physical pain.

It would be nice for her to have a talk with him about all this. Regardless of whether they have a relationship or not, it could be a growing experience for them both.

The did talk about it. She said his condition has a name, which she clearly was mangling. From the sounds of it, he has what most on this forum would refer to as a micropenis. Looking at him, he is pudgy and very babyfaced, even for a guy around 50. I feel bad for the guy. He has had some other twists of bad luck. Being born with that malady would be a real bummer.
 

molotovmuffin

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I think the reason you may not have got no replies is your opening post is like a wall of text way too much to read :(

:confused:

His wall of text is very well written and explains the situation almost flawlessly. He may have gotten few quick responses because some of us have lives outside the forum.


To the OP, I'm sorry your friend has to go threw this. Breaking up with someone you "like" a lot isn't easy. I truly feel sorry for both parties but unfortunately her decision was the same as I would have made.

I want penetration, with thrusts, hot, wet and grunty sex. I don't need a huge penis but I do want a penis. A micro-penis isn't going to get the job done.
 

Mercurygirl

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If I check my PM box later and you're one of those guys who wrote me and wants me to ridicule his small penis I'm going to be so mad at myself for answering this.

Personally, at my age, I need a guy with a working dick that can handle the job. This is a no-brainer for me and I dump him. If I were older and sex wasn't so important and he made a good companion I may consider it. Just being honest. It's better than lying and then finding yourself looking elsewhere for sex. However I wouldn't tell him that was the reason, to avoid being cruel. Just no need for it.
 

rope9839

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This situation has kind of continued to drag on and, hopefully, came to as head last night. The guy has continued to pelt my friend with notes and flowers and small gifts. She has not always responded to him and has tried to distance herself.

Last night I gave her a ride home and he was sitting on her porch when we got there. She asked me to stay for a minute and then she went up and talked to him. You could tell she was telling him something he didn't want to hear. As I watched the guy get in his car and drive away, I felt horrible for him. I really wished there was something I could do to help the guy, but there isn't.

My friend said she told him he had to stop and that it wasn't any single reason. I really hope he can accept her choice, because she needs to move on, too.
 

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I feel really badly for him.
I guess I misread your previous posts -- I thought she ended things with him already. But she must have been unclear or ambiguous. So now she has finally made it clear to him.
 

rope9839

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I feel really badly for him.
I guess I misread your previous posts -- I thought she ended things with him already. But she must have been unclear or ambiguous. So now she has finally made it clear to him.

She did try to end it. She went up and told him a few weeks ago, but he has continued to send her stuff. Last night was the first time he has actually showed up. Hopefully this is it.
 

JustNoOne

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Sorry, I didn't realize this was under 'Ask a Woman'. I apologize. I didn't clear the reply out, because I feel badly for them. If you want me to, I'll edit it again, and clear it out. I don't mean to presume.

I feel for the two. It seems a shame that a potentially good and loving relationship would fail to launch for that issue. I am 40, and was brought into a trinary type of polyamorous relationship for a similar situation. A male friend had an accident at work, crushed pelvis, had some complications, and his marriage of 10 years was going south because of the lack of sex. His wife was very understanding, but after about two years into his recovery, she was also getting very frustrated.

Long story, but may be helpful. My two friends are devoutly Christian, and have always been monogamous. They had to take measures to save their marriage. I am proud that I was able to help them.

He invited me over for dinner and drinks one night after work, and they asked me if I would be willing to act as a sexual stand-in for them. I thought about it for a week or so, and after several other conversations, I agreed. The rules were very well laid-out: I had a full STD panel; He was to be present for all 'events', sexual or otherwise; And the agreement would be for as long as all three of us were comfortable with it, or until he was able to 'return to active duty'.

It was awkward for a few weeks. I'm not an exhibitionist. But we worked it out so that he would be present, and comfortable in the room, either in his recliner, or on the bed with us. We would have drinks, and ease into it. Sometimes, he would hold her hair or upper body, and kiss or touch her as we did our thing. She watched him as much, or more than me. I've been married for 11 years now, myself, and can only wish that my wife looked at me the way she would look at him.

So, anyway; after a year and change, he was getting feeling back into his penis, and was getting erections again. We had a congratulatory (chaste) dinner together, and that was it. We stayed friends, but drifted apart after I took a job across the country.

Point of the matter is that if she feels like she loves or could love the guy, she could consider a similar arrangement, staying honest with herself and with him.

Of course, if either of them cannot justify an arrangement like that, then the quick band-aid break-up is for the best. Still a shame, though.
 
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rope9839

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This story has taken a disgusting turn, one that eliminates pretty much all sympathy from the situation. While the guy hadn't been making any direct contact since that day he showed up on the porch, there were some signs that someone was around her - little signs someone had been by and a couple things taken care of without a real explanation.

I figured it was him and, on my own, decided to type his name in the sex offender registry and he came up. I told her and she took it further, following up on the story. Apparently, he was charged with molesting a girl when he lived in Indiana. He wasn't convicted of that charge, but was convicted of indecent exposure with the minor and he served a (too short) jail sentence. He was a teacher, but now he can't do that, hence the self employment.

All of this renders the first question a moot point. Dick or no dick, pedophiles are a deal breaker. I don't imagine there is a lot of debate on that.