ive post this a number of times here but i havent really told the story in detail..but i think ive been drained so badly emotionally to a point that ive thought of suicide..and i think its best that i come out at this site where i can remain anonymous without any unnecessary judgments from people i know..but here goes..
i have a best friend i would like to call 'billy'..we were best buddies and spent a whole lot of time together..ive never been sure of my sexuality...either that or im denying what i am..but I’ve had crushes on guys since i was 15 or so..But at the same time i was still in relationships with girls..that part is confusing enough really..but back to the story,it was 2 years since ive known billy and for what reason i dont know,i started to feel attracted to him. There was no feelings whatsoever at the start of our friendship..
i really feared this feelings i had..i didnt want to spoil the really great friendship we were having but i couldnt stop myself from feeling more and more attracted to him by the day..There was a time when we were playing soccer,I was walking past him and he sort of squeezed my fingers..i didnt know why,it must be a playful friendly thing but it drove me crazy..
Things went wild a few months later and i started touching him in his sleep..he would stir at times but that’s about it..Things got worse when i started sucking him and he actually cummed on every occasions..on one of those occasions,he held my head and thrusted his dick into my mouth himself. there were also times when he would say the words 'suck' when i started touching him,he even wrapped his legs around me after i sucked him one night..Positioning his thighs on my dick..This went on for about 2 months or so where i sucked him in his sleep more than half a dozen times..however,one evening while he was napping,i sucked him,he cummed,i did it again and he cummed again..however,i just couldnt let go and on the 3rd time,he just woke up and was 'shocked' by what he saw..
his anger was real at the time and because of that,i automatically put all the blame on myself..i didn't think once about the fact that he wanted it as well since i thought he was really asleep at that time..he was really mad and called me a rapist etc.he didnt talk to me anymore after that..i felt so guilty for what i did it nearly killed me..he showed faces when i speak to him..he really treated me differently from the others..Laughing around happily with the others and pulling faces in an instant when i speak to him..it nearly killed me all this..i nearly fell into a severe case of depression, not knowing what to do, where to turn to or who to talk to. friends got worried as my life literally went downwards after that..
i was stuck in a program with billy which will take a year to complete..and like it or not,we had to work together..and over the period of a month..things got better between us..but that was not before i had to go through the nastiest stuffs he threw at me..we started talknig casually which for me was worth everything in the world..we never spoke about the incident again after that..i did apologize to him and said so many things to explain the situation but it never worked..
However,things got bad again when i just couldnt keep my freaking hands of him..i sucked him again in his sleep and this time,he was more 'involved',wrapping his legs around my neck as i suck him with him on his back and he would wrestle me to his side when he was about to cum thrusting his dick into my mouth. Again,this happened over half a dozen times until one morning..i sucked him as usual and he did his usual stuffs wrapping his legs and thrusting etc. but right after hu cummed,he rolled over facing the other way towards the wall..i wanted to cuddle up and when i did he pushed my hands away..and when i pushed my body towards him,he got out of bed and slept somewhere else..i left him and slept..but when i woke up,he was still there and again my stupoidity took over and i touched and sucked him again..but he was sort of struggling but i didnt notice as i must have been a bit high at that time and i was used to the way he wrestles me to his side when he cummed.and that was when he opened his eyes and walked off..the same thing repeated itself..he treated me nastily and said he never realized what i did to him. he asked me how many times did i actually suck him without him knowing was shocked. as i really thought he wanted it.he heavily denied this and said he never realized nor wanted it.again,i felt so guilty that i forgot that the fact was he wanted the blowjob as much as i did..
his treatment towards me continued for over 4 months this time..and to say the least,the way he treated me nearly drove me to suicide..he spoke to me in a cold manner and never said more than a word or two every time i speak to him. The thing that kills me most is that look he gives to me whenever i talk..it really hurt me alot. on one of those night, he really did something so bad i locked myself in the bathroom and nearly did what i think was the stupidest decision in my life..i slipped into depression once again..i distance myself from people and it was sometime before i could regain my confidence again
through this all,i never stopped trying to make up for what i did..i tried to be nice no matter how nasty he treated me at times..i smile and laugh in front of him when inside i was torn apart really bad..the last 4 months to date was the worse time of my life..
However,the thing that triggered me to write this was what happened yesterday..i wanted to take a nap in his room at our campus' hostel..and he was sleeping beside me.i had ideas of doing things and got really horny but i stopped myself from doing anything stupid reminding myself of what happened in the past. BUT then,he started to shift his legs and constantly had contacts with mine..he even placed his thighs over mine at one stage..there was also one time when he was lying on his back,he lifted his head up so he could see where my legs were and then put his beside mine still touching me..After awhile he would just roll away but most of the time,he was having a hard-on..note that he was ‘asleep’ throughout the whole thing..When he did it again after that,i just couldn’t stand it and started to touch his already hard dick.he cooperatively rolled over facing me so i could do it easily i think. I gave him a handjob for awhile and he ended up cumming in my hands..i made sure I had as much cum in my hands so I won’t make a mess..and when I was going out to wash it all off,I notice him lifting his head once again to see where I was going..but when I came back,he was ‘asleep’ again.
And since he was already treating me like shyt before that,there wasn’t much difference to see after the incident. He wasn’t VERY angry the way he was when he had his outbursts on the pass 2 occasions and still talked to me despite the face he normally puts up.this has got me really confused.
I know what an idiot and a useless person I am for doing what I do but ive tried so hard to stop myself from doing what I did. And just when I thought I was doing okay,he tempted me to touch him again. It took me 2 whole months to realize that he wanted the earlier blowjobs as I was engulfed in my own guilt and his reactions really made me believe that he was never aware of what I did. For the last 8 months,ive never stopped thinking about this issue and it is really draining me emotionally. He still doesn’t talk to me much and never once has he smiled since the second outburst. Im just very confused over the whole thing.i don’t know why this Is affecting me so badly. being a guy,i think ive cried too much over the months but the stress and feelings were bottled up and it was too much for me to handle and the only way i could vent them was by crying to myself..
I would really appreciate any advice I can get,or questions..since this thing has been going on for so long,they might be details ive left out since so much has happened..ill add them later if I can recall..and if u guys would like to flame me or anything, please do it as gently as possible..im already in enough of a situation to not need anymore unnecessary stress..i just don’t know what to do anymore as ive found myself getting more and more confused by the day..
Thanks in advance!
aztechx
i have a best friend i would like to call 'billy'..we were best buddies and spent a whole lot of time together..ive never been sure of my sexuality...either that or im denying what i am..but I’ve had crushes on guys since i was 15 or so..But at the same time i was still in relationships with girls..that part is confusing enough really..but back to the story,it was 2 years since ive known billy and for what reason i dont know,i started to feel attracted to him. There was no feelings whatsoever at the start of our friendship..
i really feared this feelings i had..i didnt want to spoil the really great friendship we were having but i couldnt stop myself from feeling more and more attracted to him by the day..There was a time when we were playing soccer,I was walking past him and he sort of squeezed my fingers..i didnt know why,it must be a playful friendly thing but it drove me crazy..
Things went wild a few months later and i started touching him in his sleep..he would stir at times but that’s about it..Things got worse when i started sucking him and he actually cummed on every occasions..on one of those occasions,he held my head and thrusted his dick into my mouth himself. there were also times when he would say the words 'suck' when i started touching him,he even wrapped his legs around me after i sucked him one night..Positioning his thighs on my dick..This went on for about 2 months or so where i sucked him in his sleep more than half a dozen times..however,one evening while he was napping,i sucked him,he cummed,i did it again and he cummed again..however,i just couldnt let go and on the 3rd time,he just woke up and was 'shocked' by what he saw..
his anger was real at the time and because of that,i automatically put all the blame on myself..i didn't think once about the fact that he wanted it as well since i thought he was really asleep at that time..he was really mad and called me a rapist etc.he didnt talk to me anymore after that..i felt so guilty for what i did it nearly killed me..he showed faces when i speak to him..he really treated me differently from the others..Laughing around happily with the others and pulling faces in an instant when i speak to him..it nearly killed me all this..i nearly fell into a severe case of depression, not knowing what to do, where to turn to or who to talk to. friends got worried as my life literally went downwards after that..
i was stuck in a program with billy which will take a year to complete..and like it or not,we had to work together..and over the period of a month..things got better between us..but that was not before i had to go through the nastiest stuffs he threw at me..we started talknig casually which for me was worth everything in the world..we never spoke about the incident again after that..i did apologize to him and said so many things to explain the situation but it never worked..
However,things got bad again when i just couldnt keep my freaking hands of him..i sucked him again in his sleep and this time,he was more 'involved',wrapping his legs around my neck as i suck him with him on his back and he would wrestle me to his side when he was about to cum thrusting his dick into my mouth. Again,this happened over half a dozen times until one morning..i sucked him as usual and he did his usual stuffs wrapping his legs and thrusting etc. but right after hu cummed,he rolled over facing the other way towards the wall..i wanted to cuddle up and when i did he pushed my hands away..and when i pushed my body towards him,he got out of bed and slept somewhere else..i left him and slept..but when i woke up,he was still there and again my stupoidity took over and i touched and sucked him again..but he was sort of struggling but i didnt notice as i must have been a bit high at that time and i was used to the way he wrestles me to his side when he cummed.and that was when he opened his eyes and walked off..the same thing repeated itself..he treated me nastily and said he never realized what i did to him. he asked me how many times did i actually suck him without him knowing was shocked. as i really thought he wanted it.he heavily denied this and said he never realized nor wanted it.again,i felt so guilty that i forgot that the fact was he wanted the blowjob as much as i did..
his treatment towards me continued for over 4 months this time..and to say the least,the way he treated me nearly drove me to suicide..he spoke to me in a cold manner and never said more than a word or two every time i speak to him. The thing that kills me most is that look he gives to me whenever i talk..it really hurt me alot. on one of those night, he really did something so bad i locked myself in the bathroom and nearly did what i think was the stupidest decision in my life..i slipped into depression once again..i distance myself from people and it was sometime before i could regain my confidence again
through this all,i never stopped trying to make up for what i did..i tried to be nice no matter how nasty he treated me at times..i smile and laugh in front of him when inside i was torn apart really bad..the last 4 months to date was the worse time of my life..
However,the thing that triggered me to write this was what happened yesterday..i wanted to take a nap in his room at our campus' hostel..and he was sleeping beside me.i had ideas of doing things and got really horny but i stopped myself from doing anything stupid reminding myself of what happened in the past. BUT then,he started to shift his legs and constantly had contacts with mine..he even placed his thighs over mine at one stage..there was also one time when he was lying on his back,he lifted his head up so he could see where my legs were and then put his beside mine still touching me..After awhile he would just roll away but most of the time,he was having a hard-on..note that he was ‘asleep’ throughout the whole thing..When he did it again after that,i just couldn’t stand it and started to touch his already hard dick.he cooperatively rolled over facing me so i could do it easily i think. I gave him a handjob for awhile and he ended up cumming in my hands..i made sure I had as much cum in my hands so I won’t make a mess..and when I was going out to wash it all off,I notice him lifting his head once again to see where I was going..but when I came back,he was ‘asleep’ again.
And since he was already treating me like shyt before that,there wasn’t much difference to see after the incident. He wasn’t VERY angry the way he was when he had his outbursts on the pass 2 occasions and still talked to me despite the face he normally puts up.this has got me really confused.
I know what an idiot and a useless person I am for doing what I do but ive tried so hard to stop myself from doing what I did. And just when I thought I was doing okay,he tempted me to touch him again. It took me 2 whole months to realize that he wanted the earlier blowjobs as I was engulfed in my own guilt and his reactions really made me believe that he was never aware of what I did. For the last 8 months,ive never stopped thinking about this issue and it is really draining me emotionally. He still doesn’t talk to me much and never once has he smiled since the second outburst. Im just very confused over the whole thing.i don’t know why this Is affecting me so badly. being a guy,i think ive cried too much over the months but the stress and feelings were bottled up and it was too much for me to handle and the only way i could vent them was by crying to myself..
I would really appreciate any advice I can get,or questions..since this thing has been going on for so long,they might be details ive left out since so much has happened..ill add them later if I can recall..and if u guys would like to flame me or anything, please do it as gently as possible..im already in enough of a situation to not need anymore unnecessary stress..i just don’t know what to do anymore as ive found myself getting more and more confused by the day..
Thanks in advance!
aztechx
