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Desperate call for help..(relationship gone wrong)

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by aztechx, Oct 29, 2008.

  1. aztechx

    aztechx Lurker

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    ive post this a number of times here but i havent really told the story in detail..but i think ive been drained so badly emotionally to a point that ive thought of suicide..and i think its best that i come out at this site where i can remain anonymous without any unnecessary judgments from people i know..but here goes..

    i have a best friend i would like to call 'billy'..we were best buddies and spent a whole lot of time together..ive never been sure of my sexuality...either that or im denying what i am..but I’ve had crushes on guys since i was 15 or so..But at the same time i was still in relationships with girls..that part is confusing enough really..but back to the story,it was 2 years since ive known billy and for what reason i dont know,i started to feel attracted to him. There was no feelings whatsoever at the start of our friendship..

    i really feared this feelings i had..i didnt want to spoil the really great friendship we were having but i couldnt stop myself from feeling more and more attracted to him by the day..There was a time when we were playing soccer,I was walking past him and he sort of squeezed my fingers..i didnt know why,it must be a playful friendly thing but it drove me crazy..

    Things went wild a few months later and i started touching him in his sleep..he would stir at times but that’s about it..Things got worse when i started sucking him and he actually cummed on every occasions..on one of those occasions,he held my head and thrusted his dick into my mouth himself. there were also times when he would say the words 'suck' when i started touching him,he even wrapped his legs around me after i sucked him one night..Positioning his thighs on my dick..This went on for about 2 months or so where i sucked him in his sleep more than half a dozen times..however,one evening while he was napping,i sucked him,he cummed,i did it again and he cummed again..however,i just couldnt let go and on the 3rd time,he just woke up and was 'shocked' by what he saw..

    his anger was real at the time and because of that,i automatically put all the blame on myself..i didn't think once about the fact that he wanted it as well since i thought he was really asleep at that time..he was really mad and called me a rapist etc.he didnt talk to me anymore after that..i felt so guilty for what i did it nearly killed me..he showed faces when i speak to him..he really treated me differently from the others..Laughing around happily with the others and pulling faces in an instant when i speak to him..it nearly killed me all this..i nearly fell into a severe case of depression, not knowing what to do, where to turn to or who to talk to. friends got worried as my life literally went downwards after that..

    i was stuck in a program with billy which will take a year to complete..and like it or not,we had to work together..and over the period of a month..things got better between us..but that was not before i had to go through the nastiest stuffs he threw at me..we started talknig casually which for me was worth everything in the world..we never spoke about the incident again after that..i did apologize to him and said so many things to explain the situation but it never worked..

    However,things got bad again when i just couldnt keep my freaking hands of him..i sucked him again in his sleep and this time,he was more 'involved',wrapping his legs around my neck as i suck him with him on his back and he would wrestle me to his side when he was about to cum thrusting his dick into my mouth. Again,this happened over half a dozen times until one morning..i sucked him as usual and he did his usual stuffs wrapping his legs and thrusting etc. but right after hu cummed,he rolled over facing the other way towards the wall..i wanted to cuddle up and when i did he pushed my hands away..and when i pushed my body towards him,he got out of bed and slept somewhere else..i left him and slept..but when i woke up,he was still there and again my stupoidity took over and i touched and sucked him again..but he was sort of struggling but i didnt notice as i must have been a bit high at that time and i was used to the way he wrestles me to his side when he cummed.and that was when he opened his eyes and walked off..the same thing repeated itself..he treated me nastily and said he never realized what i did to him. he asked me how many times did i actually suck him without him knowing was shocked. as i really thought he wanted it.he heavily denied this and said he never realized nor wanted it.again,i felt so guilty that i forgot that the fact was he wanted the blowjob as much as i did..

    his treatment towards me continued for over 4 months this time..and to say the least,the way he treated me nearly drove me to suicide..he spoke to me in a cold manner and never said more than a word or two every time i speak to him. The thing that kills me most is that look he gives to me whenever i talk..it really hurt me alot. on one of those night, he really did something so bad i locked myself in the bathroom and nearly did what i think was the stupidest decision in my life..i slipped into depression once again..i distance myself from people and it was sometime before i could regain my confidence again

    through this all,i never stopped trying to make up for what i did..i tried to be nice no matter how nasty he treated me at times..i smile and laugh in front of him when inside i was torn apart really bad..the last 4 months to date was the worse time of my life..

    However,the thing that triggered me to write this was what happened yesterday..i wanted to take a nap in his room at our campus' hostel..and he was sleeping beside me.i had ideas of doing things and got really horny but i stopped myself from doing anything stupid reminding myself of what happened in the past. BUT then,he started to shift his legs and constantly had contacts with mine..he even placed his thighs over mine at one stage..there was also one time when he was lying on his back,he lifted his head up so he could see where my legs were and then put his beside mine still touching me..After awhile he would just roll away but most of the time,he was having a hard-on..note that he was ‘asleep’ throughout the whole thing..When he did it again after that,i just couldn’t stand it and started to touch his already hard dick.he cooperatively rolled over facing me so i could do it easily i think. I gave him a handjob for awhile and he ended up cumming in my hands..i made sure I had as much cum in my hands so I won’t make a mess..and when I was going out to wash it all off,I notice him lifting his head once again to see where I was going..but when I came back,he was ‘asleep’ again.
    And since he was already treating me like shyt before that,there wasn’t much difference to see after the incident. He wasn’t VERY angry the way he was when he had his outbursts on the pass 2 occasions and still talked to me despite the face he normally puts up.this has got me really confused.

    I know what an idiot and a useless person I am for doing what I do but ive tried so hard to stop myself from doing what I did. And just when I thought I was doing okay,he tempted me to touch him again. It took me 2 whole months to realize that he wanted the earlier blowjobs as I was engulfed in my own guilt and his reactions really made me believe that he was never aware of what I did. For the last 8 months,ive never stopped thinking about this issue and it is really draining me emotionally. He still doesn’t talk to me much and never once has he smiled since the second outburst. Im just very confused over the whole thing.i don’t know why this Is affecting me so badly. being a guy,i think ive cried too much over the months but the stress and feelings were bottled up and it was too much for me to handle and the only way i could vent them was by crying to myself..

    I would really appreciate any advice I can get,or questions..since this thing has been going on for so long,they might be details ive left out since so much has happened..ill add them later if I can recall..and if u guys would like to flame me or anything, please do it as gently as possible..im already in enough of a situation to not need anymore unnecessary stress..i just don’t know what to do anymore as ive found myself getting more and more confused by the day..

    Thanks in advance!
    aztechx
     
  2. killerb

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    here's what you do: stay away from this guy and find someone who can treat you with respect...

    clearly he knew what you were doing all those times & he wanted it just as much as you did, but he's afraid to admit it to you or to himself...

    you have to keep as much distance between the two of you as possible...

    do not EVER sleep near him again...as a matter of fact, don't even allow yourself to be alone with him...

    focus on your education, get some new friends, and concentrate on making yourself happy...
     
  3. badgirl22

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    I completely agree with killerb - the guy knew what you were doing and wanted you to do it. He's in serious denial and is looking to blame you for the way he feels. Go find someone else who wants you and who's willing to let you know he wants you - that way the two of you can have fabulous sex together. That someone pretends to be asleep is crazy! Nice farce though - stop falling for it.

    Hope you find someone who wants to admit to wanting you.

    B
     
  4. aztechx

    aztechx Lurker

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    i was amazed by how he managed to make me be in a state of mind where i believed that everything he said was true..that he was never aware for what ive done..for such a long time,i was forced to feel that i was 100% at fault and that mere fact nearly destroyed me.i dont know how but i think it must be the way he treated me after that and the anger at the initial stage of his outburst..besides that, he would just act normal on the other days where i sucked him..like nothing ever happened..

    i dont know why i want to mend things so bad..that has been my main problem since the start..i try so hard to mend things no matter how impossible it may sound..i miss this guy alot..i really enjoyed his company when we were friends and people did comment on how close we were back then..but now,i myself isnt so sure which is the thing i want more,the friendship or the sex..that fact is really making me rather unstable at the moment..i just cant let go..i dont know why..i force conversations with him at times..and his reactions would always end up hurting me..

    worse thing is,we are stuck together in a project with me and him being the top two..we have to work together alot and at times it makes me feel like a very bad person as i actually 'use' the program as an excuse to speak or work with him..its pathetic at times,the way i try to get his attention,try to make up for what i did but i just cant stand the fact that he couldnt forgive me for what i did at first..im not even sure what i want at the moment..

    billy is the first guy that ive felt so much for..i just dont think it will be the same with others..growing up in a rather conservative surrounding,i wouldnt want it to end up that way..i dont know but this thing with billy is more then just sexual..there was something emotional between us that made it so important for me..it would make my day even if he spoke normally to me for a moment..im just very confused and i think he must be as well..again,i dont know..i cant seem to judge things properly anymore..
     
    #4 aztechx, Oct 29, 2008
    Last edited: Oct 29, 2008
  5. killerb

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    this guy is NOT your friend...
    there is no real friendship there...
    there is no real sex...it's only you sucking him off & then him punishing you for it...
    you don't deserve to be treated like crap and it's up to you to stop it...
     
  6. D_Chaumbrelayne_Copprehead

    D_Chaumbrelayne_Copprehead Account Disabled

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    aztechx, re: your last paragraph above ... "i just don't think it will be the same with others" ...

    it's won't be. it will be different; it will be better in many ways; it will be healthier; trust me on this. you have very intense, driving feelings about him that your brain needs to guide you to just step back from.

    feelings are not facts; when you stop being involved with this guy, it will be hard at first, but it will get easier and it will get better. be strong, and then be smart.
     
  7. aztechx

    aztechx Lurker

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    what about the first 2 years before anything even happened..those were real right?i keep thinking to myself how will all these end..will we ever be as close as we did before..or will it just end the way it is at the moment..the latter is something ive found hard to take a grip on since the start..its the feeling that I was the one who ruined an otherwise perfect friendship and that I was the one who started it all..sure there must be fault on my side as well..i could never understand why the whole thing affect me so much..ive lost all my ego everytime im with him.and since the day i met him,ive known him for someone who has a gigantic ego.

    another thing that i keep thinking is what is going on in his head the whole time??i know its something impossible to know but i just want to understand him and ive found that impossible..

    i will need alot of guidance and motivation to do it..most of the time,i would give up halfway through and end up diving into my old state of mind again..i keep thinking of ridiculous stuffs such as "will he feel anything if i start ignoring him??" , "will he ever realize that he too played a part in the whole thing??" , "does he have any guilt in him for doing what he did to me knowing he was the one who wanted it as bad??" these sort of questions has been playing around in my mind since the start..and when he doesnt seem affected by the things i do or by the whole thing in general,it becomes stressfulfor me as well..i sound so stupid...
     
  8. D_Chaumbrelayne_Copprehead

    D_Chaumbrelayne_Copprehead Account Disabled

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    I think we've all been in a situation where we've had those thoughts about someone else.

    The thing is ... this is about Y*O*U. Not him. You can't do anything about his twisted, unsafe responses to you.

    You will be better off in the long run without him. You will hurt in the short run. You can deal with that!
     
  9. exwhyzee

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    That's the truth. I've been in situations that were one-sided too...and I had to learn to let go. Its not easy, but look at it this way...you will be free to make a good connection with a person who can be in a healthy relationship with you. Remaining in the present situation is not sustainable.
     
  10. 1BiGG1

    1BiGG1 Experimental Member

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    Good advice being given in this thread and I agree move on as fast as possible. If you think you enjoyed things with this guy, wait till you find one that loves you back! :wink:
     
  11. Stephenmass

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    First off, he obviously was not "asleep" the whole time. He knew EXACTLY what was happening. It takes two guy, and he was definitely a willing participant. He strikes me as someone who may very well be totally confused about his own sexuality, or ashamed of it. So he backs off, treats you like shit, and validates himself by doing so (which is ridiculous but he does). To him, his being involved with another guy cannot be his fault, at least not yet as he is unable to digest everything.

    He obviously "teased" you when you slept near him; that tells me he knows fully how you feel. But at the same time, I never once have seen you say he has reciprocated in any way towards you. It's either of two things man; he is either using you OR he cannot bring himself to admit his sexuality to himself. Funny how he can open himself enough to allow you to suck his cock, but not have enough balls to do the same.

    It tells me that perhaps, just perhaps, he is only using your feelings for him to get you to do as he wants "when noone is around". Then he distances himself as much as he can until he "needs it again". Bad news guy.

    I know you built up a thorough close friendship with Billy prior to doing anything with him, which is giving you the feelings you describe now. If anyone is "at fault" it is him for sending you totally mixed signals. He plays with your emotions. He obviously succeeds at making you feel as if it were all your fault.

    Now you need to be strong and distance yourself as much as possible, yes even in the class where the two of you are paired up. Keep everything strictly business, do not allow yourself to get in the position of "wanting him so much you ache" again; if you do you already know what will happen. He will "play" you once again.

    If you are able to remain strong and not allow yourself to fall into this again, perhaps HE will open up a little. If he doesn't then you already know by his actions that he is using you. If he does open up, who knows? Do not force him to open up, stay "cold" around him. It will be very hard because of your own emotions, but it will also make you feel better about yourself if you can do it. It's up to you to stop allowing yourself to be used in this manner.

    He seemingly knows how you feel, and knows that at a legs touch, you will be at his crotch. He knows this. As long as he plays "sleep" it allows him to always blame you.

    Don't fall for it. Guys suck that are like this. Don't be his booty call anymore. It's up to you to straighten out your own emotions.

    Distance guy. Cold guy. Be as distanced and as "business cold" in class that you need to be. As I said, do NOT fall into the "leg touch" thing again. Trust me, he knows it drives you crazy and is counting on you to always react the same way, by getting at his crotch because you want him so bad. He's playing you.

    As the others have said, at some point you may even find someone else that you care for that won't be "asleep" that can return what you give. It's obvious to me that you love this guy Billy but as in life, things don't always return themselves the way we want them to.

    Be strong guy; you wouldn't have written this note if you didn't know already this is what you have to do.
     
  12. Hippie Hollow Girl

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    How much longer do you have to work on this project with this guy?


    I would suggest you treat this guy like he is a bad drug that you are addicted too. You need to detox from him.

    Don't put yourself in situations that will cause you to fall off the wagon. When you go sleep in his room or in his bed.....you are setting yourself up for more of the same shit. You are not in control right now.

    If you are having problems with depression and thoughts of suicide please get some professional help.
     
  13. aztechx

    aztechx Lurker

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    ive been very stubborn going through the whole thing.i kept saying to myself that something good is going to come out of this if I go on playing nice..i didn’t for once had any bad intentions of attacking him back ..i felt that I didn’t deserve to and that I didn’t have the right to be mad of whatever he has done bco it was my mistake in the first place..Does the fact that we have never spoken about the topic change anything?









    The program will be until end of march next year..and there is a possible extension to it if we don’t meet our required target..
    The suicide thing was a one off I think..on that day itself,I was faced with many things that suggested that my friends were leaving me after they knew and along with the many things billy did to me and my mind was just messed up!and worse was i didnt have anyone i feel that i can talk to about this..i started to think that if anything happened to me,I could put the blame on billy and make him suffer..it was definitely wrong but at that time I was just messed up…
    Sometimes,billly doesn’t even have to do anything,the fact is he simply doesn’t want to talk to me or have anything to do with me but im taking it as him ‘doing’ something to attack me..even after so long ive yet to learn how to block my feelings from being affected by him..

    And thank you so much..i just do not know how else i can thank you guys for all the support and advice..
     
    #13 aztechx, Oct 29, 2008
    Last edited: Oct 29, 2008
  14. aztechx

    aztechx Lurker

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    coming to think about it..billy doesnt ignore me totally..he just doesn't want to have casual talks with me anymore..if i asked him about stuffs like the program,studies etc.although with a very straight face and no smiles or jokes whatsoever, he would give me full answers and not brief answers that suggests that he wants me out of his face quick. but once i try to have casual talks the way we used to have,he would just keep quiet..and ignore me..i guess he is just trying to be 'professional'. this actually gives me hope at times but im not complaining as it would make me even more miserable if he ignores me completely..the feeling of seeing him having fun and laughing around with others is something i really hate..since he just wouldnt do the same for me anymore..

    i even had the idea that he still remembers and liked me as his best buddy but he was just afraid that i would take advantage of him again which explains why he treated me so badly. and that he hated to think of what he has done to me. the root is i just doont want billy to be seen as the bad guy here..even to my friends i made sure that they put all their judgments aside as i dont think it would be fair for him. he was a nice friend before everything started and i..i just dont know what to say anymore at this point but i think u guys can understand..
     
  15. Stephenmass

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    He may be afraid to go back to what it was before the sex because he feels that opens the door to you to come on to him when you please. Whether you realize it or not, Billy as well as yourself a little, ARE the bad guys here, moreso Billy I think.

    It seems as if not only here but in an answer above to my answer, that you don't mind being a booty call. I can understand attraction and "the hots" for someone, and Billy is easily that to you; thing is he knows it.
    Keep your other friends out of what goes on between you and Billy, none of their business. It seems you want to make sense out of a one-way relationship, a booty call one at that as he knows anytime he beckons, you hunger for him. Don't let yourself accept all of the blame here, the majority of it is his I think for sending signals that it was OK to go down on him. Once he cums or soon after, he gets mean and indifferent again.
    You need to truly get away from him immediately. Request a different partner in your class for personal reasons, you need to get away from him. Your problem is part of you doesn't want to get away from him. You enjoy sucking his cock; thing is you are left with empty and confused feelings afterward. More confused.

    Get away from him guy. As far as you can. As she said above, he is toxic. Your an easy mark for him, basically anytime he wants you, you are there and it confuses you because you like/love the guy.

    It's a one-way street guy. You know the score, I can tell by your writings. It's after the sex that confuses the shit outta you. You may never get back to where you were before the sex because it has gone beyond that. I hope you do something about it.

    Either distance yourself or have the courage when the two of you are alone to confront him on it. Yes, be prepared for him to say mean shit to you, blame you, etc. Sometimes people are mean to someone else because nothing else is working to drive you away. If this is the case, cement it, move on and learn from it.

    I've been "fatally" attracted to someone in a very similar situation before. Now I'm with a great guy and all "Jake" is for me is a distant, bad confused time in my life. Leave your past behind and move forward. It's unhealthy for you to go on wondering. It's like trying to explain to someone why you don't love them anymore, sometimes you truly don't know, you just don't.

    Move forward, learn, and seek better than what you have.

    And for the record, if suicidal thoughts or whatever overcome you again, you really need to seek out confidential, private help, whether with a totally trusted friend or a trained professional. They have no emotional stake as you do in your problem.
     
  16. CALAMBO

    CALAMBO Sexy Member

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    very much drama going on here...quit the nonsense with this guy...you know the real deal here...he is a controlling, manipulating you and your weakness for his cock...sex is a very powerful emotion and you have it bad for this guy...unless you want to be his slave forever mentally/sexual...run from this guy...you can do it...get a better class of friends or lover, the mental stess...has you on edge of doing something very bad in your life...he is not worthy of you...good luck
     
  17. aztechx

    aztechx Lurker

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    this has been the root of my problem and the weird thing is im fully aware of this but im not doing anything about it. i keep assuring myself 'tomorrow' will be a better day for the last 8 months (clearly it hasnt)..that he will finally open up and accept the fact that he can enjoy everything without having the slightest doubt in his mind. im constantly in denial.i keep trying to put thoughts into my mind to make me feel that things WILL get better..even the recent incident where he was the one who 'approached' me gave me some glimmer of hope (stupid really)..i mean if he claims to be so mad at me but could accept a handjob..he is in denial as well and thats when i start hoping that he would stop denying..sometimes i feel like ive buried those things too deep into my skull that i can no longer reach them..i desperately try to have casual talks with him in hopes of having the mood light up..i do spend a lot of time with him alone..most of it in his car since we have alot of work regarding the project..im just attached to him in so many ways..



    sometimes its not just the sex...ok it is the sex but i just want to be close to him at times..it doesnt have to involve any touchings but being in close proximity with him just makes me feel nice..i cared for him in a lot of things..made life a whole lot easier for him along the way..i want to run but like ive said earlier..something inside me just wont budge..how do i gain control over it?

    what if he starts treating me nice..and he tries to have me suck him again?how do i know if he genuinely wants it and that no problem will arise after that?its just the kind of questions hanging in my mind that has allowed myself to be dragged this far and this long..

    im going to have to re-read everything and really think hard tonight..this is just not something i can change in a flash...
     
  18. MarkLondon

    MarkLondon Sexy Member

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    Oh Aztechx, it seems obvious to me that you are severely depressed and probably were before this stuff started.

    It think Billy is a preditor/manipulator and he is feeding off your depression and exploiting it. The only question is whether it is conscious or unconsious behaviour on his part. And the answer to that is irrelevant really.

    No good can possibly come of this situation. I think you should consider moving to another project or institution. You are already displaying symptoms of addiction (yes, we can become addicted to bad situations) and dependancy (your mood and self-esteem depend on how he is treating you). And you're doing the classic victim thing of blaming yourself.

    I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but I do think you have to realise what a psychologically dangerous situation you are in. As a young adult whose personality is still forming the danger is that you are setting up a pattern for future relationships. And not just sexual relationships either, but all forms of social and work relationships. You could end up with almost no self-esteem and always be dependant on the judgement of others. That is an open invitation to abusers.

    Billy is fucked up. He is not a good person. Get away from him.
     
  19. 8060

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    I think that we have all known a Billy or two in our passing. I assume that you are young painting the picture you did with your words. He is a scavenger and is not good people. You need to pull out of that kind of space for sure. When dealing with your emotions with somebody, that's hard ground to travel. Not to mention the fact that with your person you're dealing with has 'displaced' emotions about you. Bad juju...(not a good thing). The fact that he 'gets' something from you and doesn't supply it in ANY RETURN is what makes him a scavenger. Then he trips and acts all mean and agressive to you and all that kiddie shit. He's got you all depressed at least to the point of a mere thought of suicide creepin' into your head. He's not that fine. Nobody is even if you do love them. And two years is 'nothing' when getting to know somebody. You did something together last summer and now you're doing something together again this summer. That's it.

    Some people you meet in your life are there just for a minute while others...stick. Enjoy the bad ones while you did and move along. Always look for the people that are going to treat you best wherever you go & whatever you do, u know? This guy makes you feel bad about just being you and that's not fair. Even moreso because you're doing it to yourself; you're enabling him to abuse you. Let him go. Act like he is invisible. He does not turn you on anymore. I don't care anything about him. I don't wanna know about him. That's the mindset that you need so your emotions don't get out of control while you're trying to gain control. Whatever your daily activities are you can easily move about without running into him or having to work with him or live close to him...blah, blah, blah. All you have to do is call a couple of people, make a few moves, are you're good.

    Wanting to attach your emotions is the best for relationships. But your predicament now is one-sided and thus unbalanced...it will fall. So, try to disassociate your horniness with him. Find somebody else to throw your horniness on. That's a matter of numbers. Not to sound ho-ish, but...LOL:biggrin1:

    Watch yo back. Make a move...out:cool:
     
    #19 8060, Oct 29, 2008
    Last edited: Oct 29, 2008
  20. sexplease

    sexplease Expert Member

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    Just wondering. what your relationship with your parents (or the person(s) ) who reared you is like today?
    Sometimes people act out, in constructive and/or destructive ways, to resolve issues from childhood.
    Childhood can then extend itself into young adult and adult life.

    I think you would benefit from from one-on-one counseling, augmenting your internet anonymity conversations.


    No one is worth ending your life for, and the one that is, won't drive you to it.
     
  21. piratebulldog

    piratebulldog Experimental Member

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    I think a lot of good advice has been offered at this point but the one thing that I don't see amidst all the talk is your taking responsbility for what you did. I know that others have felt that 'Billy' was totally in the wrong by acting asleep and all. However, you were equally culpable. Take responsibility and leave your hands off sleeping people. Be an adult and go through the program. Leave this man alone. It is clear that you all don't make a good set of friends. You mutually use one another and it has not lead to a closer relationship but a fragmented and unhealthy one.

    Get professional help for your depression and not being able to let go of this obviously disturbing relationship.

    Get healthy and be well...and fall in love with someone who will love you back....and don't try seducing a sleeping man again....until he gives you permission to do so. It isn't fair to either one of you.
     
  22. Infernal

    Gold Member Platinum Gold

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    At some point in life, we can all expect that someone will treat us like a doormat. This guy is treating you like wall to wall carpeting.

    He knew exactly what was going on, and he's using it against you. Don't be his emotional tampon. Isolate yourself from him, and make it a point to never be alone with him if you can. Treat him the same way he treats you. Ignore him, and find someone who treats you with respect.
     
  23. aztechx

    aztechx Lurker

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    I wasn’t too depressed before the first outburst happened..that first outburst was the starting point of everything. I was happy with what I was having.what do u mean when u questioned whether he was conscious over his manipulative nature. Ive known him as someone who frequently manipulate people for his own gain.he mentioned this to me once when we were friends but I think is sort of partly unconscious behavior of his..
    Im currently in my final year my degree program..i cant possibly just go away..and the program we are stuck together in,is a LARGE responsibility the university has given to us.
    What attracted my attention from ur reply is that u mentioned about my symptoms of addiction.it scares me how true your words are. At times I feel like I have to be stress and tense even when nothing is happening. I don’t know why but I seem to WANT to be depressed sometimes. And my mood is depends on him as well,not so much of my self-esteem but ill have to be careful now that uve mentioned it..



    I have a normal relationship with my parents.both my parents are still around and everything is normal only that im studying away from home at the moment. I never knew where all these started. I really want to know how but I think if that is a question I myself cant answer,it wouyld be asking too much if I were to ask everyone here to tell me why.
    About me wanting to end my life..i do not know what came to me that day,it is very unlike me..but like I said,I was so messed up I thought I could get back at him with what I did.i know it was stupid now that im in a clear state of mind..




    What do you mean by taking responsibility for what I did?i do admit my mistake..and why else would the guilt affect me so much if I didn’t want responsibilities for what I did?or do u mean responsibilities in some other way? I would be more than happy to listen to any advice I can get at the moment..this whole thing has made me feel like a very bad person already..

    What do u mean by me being his emotional tampon?
    Anyway, heres an update of what happened today, once again, we ended up sleeping close to each other..i was watching soccer with him at my house (we used to watch soccer a lot together) and he happened to fall asleep..And when I looked at him, he had the zips to his jeans wide open!! I tried to just fall asleep but I just couldn’t. He didn’t seem to eager for me to do anything but from his body language, he was in the mood to let me do anything..And once again I gave in and gave him a handjob..i think I owe all of you an apology for what I did today..it makes me feel so bad every time this happens..am I even capable of standing up to my own principles??he was all smiles and in a good mood with me when he woke up despite him being down with a fever. Plus his treatment the last few days has been different. Somewhat nicer than usual thou still far-off from what we used to have,but it was nice. All he ones is for me to give him pleasure whenever he wants to right?thats exactly whats happening right?i mean being in the current state of mind,such signals can really do a lot of damage to my stand. I was all fired up to ignore him and all yesterday but when he seemed to be okay with me today,I just gave in..and with the zipper thing..i don’t know but im so sorry for what I did…I need to wake myself up!
     
  24. Hippie Hollow Girl

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    Aztechx,

    Yes I am disappointed. You are setting yourself up for more of the same emotional roller coaster behavior treatment. And as someone said before.....it sounds like you are young and you are probably setting the stage for all your future relationship dynamics. You are going to think this is normal behavior for all your future relationships. Setting the precedence.

    The good news is that tomorrow is another day and you can make a fresh start. It takes 6 weeks to change a behavior. Maybe you can find a good 12 step program. I do believe you have an addiction problem with this guy. Remember.....the only person you can change is yourself.

    Good luck!!!!


    And I do see a future with you and this guy still being able to be friends. But the biggest difference from then and now......is going to be......you are going to be in control of your addiction to him. (You will be able to keep your hands and mouth off of his cock)


    There is no telling (I have no crystal ball) whether this guy will ever admit his part in this situation and want to have a real relationship with you. But he is setting you up.....and he could have you thrown in jail for molesting him or raping him in his sleep. It isn't worth it to take chances with the rest of your life. There are too many fish in the sea. I would rather see you focus your attention on someone who will reciprocate and treat you like you deserve to be treated.
     
  25. sexplease

    sexplease Expert Member

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    ok Aztechx.

    What do YOU think YOU should do?

    What do YOU feel YOU want and need from a relationship?

    Why?
     
  26. MarkLondon

    MarkLondon Sexy Member

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    I'm glad you're aware of the addiction situation.

    Sometimes even a bad emotion is better than no emotion. You mentioned the rollercoaster of your emotions after a session with him. That is a powerful stimulus. But I'm sure you are aware that it is not healthy and you are abusing an emotional reward system that is meant to bond you to a person that is good for you.

    Depression can be comfortable (Bette Middler used to sing of "the big blue comfortable blanket of depression" while miming snuggling down and pulling it over her head). But it leads nowhere. I think depression is a survival mechanism for dealing with intolerable or non-rewarding situations that cannot be escaped. But it can trap you in a situation and isolate you from others. Most people will shun or avoid someone who is depressed, because they're no fun.

    Why do you keep finding yourself alone with him? In the car, in all these sleeping situations? It almost sounds like you are a couple. What do other people think of you two? Do you have other friends, or have you become isolated?
     
  27. MarkLondon

    MarkLondon Sexy Member

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    Good question, Sexplease!
     
  28. aztechx

    aztechx Lurker

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    Ill be turning 21 this year and billy is 22..we study in the same batch thou..back to the topic,u mentioned that at the moment im seting the stage for all my future relationship dynamics,what do u actually mean?In general im in a state of fear about what the future has for me. It doesn’t have to be anything to do with rships but my attraction to billy does scare me a lot. I don’t know why but I seem to be in a bad state of disorientation at the moment.
    U are right about the roller coaster treatment..just for an example..yesterday after I gave him that handjob,he woke up and had no problems speaking to me ‘decently’ and I thought things was going to go fine..However on that night itself,he dropped by at my place again and his attitude made a 180 degree turn.he scowled most of the time and doesn’t look at me when we talk..he seems to avoid eye contact since the first day of his outburst. But when things are ok,it is ok..and like ive said earlier..he will just have sudden character changes which I cant figure out why..
    About the addiction,ill answer that part later in this post.

    About this,whenever I speak about billy..i WANT to hear people say that we could still have a decent friendship with him in the future..Sometimes I want to hear it so bad that I don’t care if its true or not..just as long as it gives me the opportunity to heave a big sigh of relieve.theres just too much emotions and stress bottled up inside of me at the moment. I really need to control this addiction of mine..

    First ill answer the part about us being together a lot..
    1)As project manager and assistant project manager,we do a lot of work together and most of the time he will be driving.
    2)He frequents my house OFTEN since he has a few other friends here as well. And it hurts a lot to see him having fun laughing so much with everyone else except me.it has come to a point where I feel a dark cloud of emotions over me whenever I hear his voice or his car coming in. it’s the kind of feeling that screams.”omg..he is here again…” this also explains why he falls asleep here a lot. He never comes to my room anymore nowadays unless its regarding the project but there are always ‘opportunities’ that will arise leaving the two of us together.
    3)My friends once told me that im the type who treat friends as good as treating a girlfriend.they said it was something they couldn’t do. Most of the time they were referring to billy I think bcos we were really really close at one stage.
    4)Yes I do have other friends but at times,I sub-conciously ditch them to be with billy..he seems to be the centre of my focus and it might lead to me losing my other friends. Im trying very hard to control this
    [FONT=&quot]I fully agree with u about people shunning depressed individuals. I have had this attitude of putting on a smiling and happy face whenever im with people no matter how bad things are inside. My friends have never known me as someone who could fall into such a depressed state of mind.even up till now. Iu force myself to laugh and smile in front of them and just burst into tears when im alone bcos that seems like the only thing im capable of doing to vent the huge amount of frustration bottled up inside me. [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]
    [/FONT]
    I left this question to the last part of my post so that I can concentrate more on my answers and be as honest as I can be..
    1)what do I think I should do
    At the moment,I have the realization that I need to escape and runaway,be as far away as possible from billy. But at the same time, I myself is resisting this thing so hard. It’s something I DON’T want to do..running away from billy has always been the last thing in my mind. I don’t want to disappoint all of you guys by saying this since all of you have given me so many good advices for me to stay away from him but im being honest that I cant seem to find the courage to runaway. It confuses me a lot especially when it comes to what I have to do at the moment. I don’t know why I just cant decide on what I want to do and im under the ‘illusion’ that im safer where I am and im afraid of going anywhere.
    2)How do I feel and what I want and need from this relationship
    Ive mentioned before that the thing between billy and I is more than just the sexual stuffs.im not lying when I say I enjoy his company a lot..as well as the emotional thing that was apparent between us.he might not have felt it at all but I did. This emotional thing also confuses me a lot..i feel ‘attached’ to him and I don’t know why but I have this sense of comfort being with him. I don’t know how to say it in words as im having a hard time figuring it out myself. I don’t really think im addicted to him in terms of sex but I just want to be close to him..i want to be accepted by him..and I try hard to gain his attention..its weird really how im saying this things at the moment.

    MY POST IN GENERAL
    Today he treated me like shit again. Scowling and not even looking at me when I talk. I started to ignore him after that. We’ll see how things turn out later today.
    A lot of u guys mentioned about billy ‘using’ me and ‘manipulating’ me to get what he wants..and ditching me aside when he doesn’t need me..or even trying to destroy me on those 2 occasions where he ‘found out’ I was fondling/sucking him.i mean..there can’t be people that bad around right?does he even ‘care’ about me or what happens to me anymore?we were best buddy and ii think ive never known billy as a bad person..Not to the extent of what he is doing at the moment if it’s true.who am I to him?is he even aware of my existence at the moment?
     
  29. amygdala

    Gold Member Verified

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    Google "battered wife syndrome" and see if you notice any parallels. You are in a toxic relationship with a sociopath and you need to get away from him as soon as possible. He will NEVER be the person you want him to be and you will ALWAYS be a reminder to him about that part of himself that he so clearly hates. It will never, ever work between the two of you and the sooner you realize that and GET AWAY, the better off you'll be.

    For inspiration, try watching "The Burning Bed" or "Sleeping With the Enemy."
     
  30. D_Rod Staffinbone

    D_Rod Staffinbone Account Disabled

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    suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. please don't consider
    that as an option.

    there are good people out there who will love you back.
     
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