gf's encounter with another guy

[Kaurik]

Hi,

I've lurked on the forums a bit, but this will be my first post here. I'd like to get some opinions on something. My gf and I are in a long distance relationship, and this is something that she told me about recently. Recently she and a 2 other friends went over a third friend's house for dinner. At the dinner, they shared a couple bottles of wine, a few joints, and some whiskey. She had never smoked pot before and was curious so she took a few puffs. While they're smoking pot the friend that is hosting the dinner starts leaning into my gf and starts rubbing her hands. And then after a while he starts rubbing her hands and thighs under the table. This continues until they leave his house. As they leave the house, the guy that's hosting the dinner tries to hold her back and urges her to stay. She wants to go, and doesn't know how to respond so she hugs him and says he's drunk and leaves with her other friend. When my gf told me this she said that she was feeling cold because the AC was on pretty high so she was glad that the guy was keeping her warm. She said that she didn't think at the time that it was weird that he was rubbing her hands, and she only realized later that he was flirting with her.

When she told me this, I was kind of upset at her because she let him touch her throughout the dinner without thinking much of it, and so I responded callously. She became upset because she said she was in a confusing situation and thought that I should have been more comforting towards her. I guess I'd like to hear some opinions on how I should have responded when she told me what happened.

 

[latin_cock]

I am on your side. I would have gotten mad for sure, but thats just me

 

[B_dxjnorto]

If she wants to be comforted, comfort her. Nobody owns anybody's affection.

 

[Florida Boy]

U started off by saying you are in a long-distance relationship. Can you call her your girlfriend? It does not appear that anything happened. Did she tell you everything? Long distance relationships, you must remember, are at best a fantasy. You have no control over her nor she you. Let's face it, she could be the slut of the town, where ever she lives, and is using this to test your opinions.

 

[B_dxjnorto]

You have no control over her nor she you.

Again, no one owns anyone. Never have understood that possession thing. It is common, but it isn't love.

 

[MalakingTiti]

She knew what went down was inappropriate and told so she could gauge your reaction in an attempt to confirm what she already knew. You have a right to be pissed off. Its your honest emotion, and its not up to anyone to tell you you're wrong.

 

[finsuptx]

You don't give ages, so its hard to determine maturity levels for you both. Long distance relationships do not work, and don't let anyone ever piss on your boot, tell you its raining, and say they do. They don't. I'm sorry about that, and I hope I'm not the first one to tell you that.

I also guarrantee, she didn't give you the whole story. Sorry about that part too, man. A woman (girls growing into women) never give the whole story, and they get away with it by calling it feminine mystique. I'm certain she's a lovely girl, but I think were you to have been a fly on the wall, you would have seen her scenario differently than she described it.

As for how you should have responded... callously was probably a knee jerk reaction on your part to being hurt. How callous, you didn't say. Again, only part of the story.

Bottom Line: Long distance relationships don't work. She was cold, in a stranger's house, and accepted the stranger's advances... because you weren't there to keep her warm. How callous does she think you are going to be when she admits to other/future "confusing situations"?

I've been where you are, twice. The first time should have taught me a lesson, the second one certainly did. I hope it all works out for you.

 

[D_Ernest Hummingway]

long distant relationships don't work. because the both of you are in two different places. she has her needs and so do you, i read your reaction as furious with anger and jealousy, that means you do care for her.
its a two way thing, she either might have gone the whole 9yards with the guy or she did all she told you. now that's the bitch about long distance because, 1. u don't know d guy. 2. u cant be sure if he has had his eyes on her since and 3. she may like him back too but just couldn't do it with him because she thought of you.
u r matured so i expect u to know what to do in this situation.
both of u should talk n know where u stand. i have been in 1 myself, it had its ups and downs. we r built differntly it might work for Mr A and not Mr B. i believe u both should talk.

 

[NotQuite_9x7]

Let me get this straight.. she went over another guys house, got intoxicated, which is a vulnerable position, and then they rubbed and hugged all over each other.Yeah, I'd be pissed.

She's telling you because she's testing you. If you're OK with it she'll do it again. If she blames you for not being OK with it and takes no responsibility for her behavior, then she'll do it again, but just not tell you. If she would have come to you remorseful and sorry for what she had done, then you might have a chance.. but she didn't.

This is not about possession, it about accountability. You're suppose to treat each other a certain way in a relationship and it's OK to hold someone to that.

 

[Mr_Cumalot]

You have a right to be pissed off but now she probably wont tell you anything else like that ever again because she doesnt want to upset you...i mean get told off.

 

[ManlyBanisters]

Jeez - you guys are so quick to assume the worst of this girl.

To the OP: Ask yourself this, why did she tell you? There was absolutely no onus on her part to tell you anything other than that she went for dinner, got a little high and left with her girlfriends. If she'd done something actively wrong she just wouldn't have said anything. Why did she tell you about it at all?

Here's my guess, she told you about it because it made her feel uncomfortable and she wanted to share that with you because you are important to her. If things went as she said (and really you can only assume they did, speculating on other possibilities is pointless) I imagine she feels that she was too passive with the guy and that she was taken advantage of. She told you for comfort and reassurance - she got neither.

Do you have a right to be annoyed at her for letting some guy feel her up a bit? Well, yeah - bear in mind, though, that she told you that she didn't take it that way as it was happening so it must have been fairly subtle feeling up. Should you take her at her word, forgive her and apologise for over-reacting? Yes.

As for how you should have reacted - well, you reacted how you did, you can't change that so I think 'what-if'ing is a bit pointless.

If you want this relationship to continue and distance is your only option then you have to trust her, and she has to trust you. If one or both of you lose the ability to trust the other then you may as well break up now and save yourselves the bother.

 

[dolfette]

she sounds very naive.
when i was younger i wouldn't realise a guy was flirting until he tried to stick his tongue down my throat.
and she'd never been stoned before, which would hinder her judgement.

oh, and we're allowed to have male friends. it's shocking and upsetting when a trusted mate takes advantage and behaves inappropriately.

she's honest, you're acting like an arse.

 

[Viking_UK]

OK, she went out with friends, had one or two too many, some guy tried it on and you're annoyed with her?

I take it you're in your late teens. Maybe you'll understand better when you grow up. If you carry on the way you're going, she'll be giving you the elbow, and with good reason.

 

[Sergeant_Torpedo]

The account is unsurprising. What is surprising is that a man should want to share it with strangers. Gossip?

 

[Kaurik]

It's always interesting to me to see the differing opinions offered by men and women to a thread.

Maybe I or the both of us do come off as naive, and that is why I'm asking for the opinion of others. I'm not speculating about anything else that happened; what I posted is what she told me. I guess I responded the way I did because I couldn't help but think about another incident that happened some time ago. She went to visit an ex-bf of hers. They were still friends and she told me about it beforehand. I had some reservations, but I trusted her so I didn't object. What happened then was more than just the touching that i described above. I eventually forgave her, but i viewed this incident in the context of the past incident.

 

[ManlyBanisters]

The account is unsurprising. What is surprising is that a man should want to share it with strangers. Gossip?

I know I can be Mrs.Snippy but that kinda takes the biscuit - this is a support forum, relationships section - the guy is looking for some advice and opinion. Wtf is weird about that? The majority of the threads here, in this section, are people sharing personal stuff like that.

To the OP: In the context of what appears to be her having fooled around with an ex before I can see how that might have coloured your reaction. If you have forgiven her then you have to let it go. In a previous relationship I was 'forgiven' for a transgression with an ex only to have it brought up every single time we argued. That's not forgiveness. If you can't let it go then it is going to be a big contributor to the possible demise of the relationship.

 

[dolfette]

It's always interesting to me to see the differing opinions offered by men and women to a thread.

Maybe I or the both of us do come off as naive, and that is why I'm asking for the opinion of others. I'm not speculating about anything else that happened; what I posted is what she told me. I guess I responded the way I did because I couldn't help but think about another incident that happened some time ago. She went to visit an ex-bf of hers. They were still friends and she told me about it beforehand. I had some reservations, but I trusted her so I didn't object. What happened then was more than just the touching that i described above. I eventually forgave her, but i viewed this incident in the context of the past incident.

then your reaction is easy to understand.

 

[SnitchQitch]

be glad she's honest.

 

[BobLeeSwagger]

It doesn't sound like your long-distance relationship is going to work. Justified or not, you don't seem to trust her.

Ask yourself this: what would it take for you to believe that she's never going to be unfaithful to you? Because whatever that is, if she can't do it, then you're never going to be happy in this relationship. We have no way of knowing whether she did anything inappropriate or whether she warrants suspicion. We also don't know if you are being paranoid, or controlling, or understandably upset. But unless you can be assured somehow, then you're always going to be worried about this.

 

[finsuptx]

I think you would have gotten some different answers from the get-go if u had put a line at the bottom of your OP that said, "she's done stuff like this before".