My mom has told me on several occasions that she doesn't want me "being that way" or "being like that". She doesn't want me to be gay because she doesn't want me having a "hard-life". I ask her straight up and if she's a homophobe. She denies with the "hard-life" thing. With that, do you think it's possible to have good-intented homophobia?
EdWoody
Superior Member
- Joined
- Jun 27, 2006
- Posts
- 3,464
- Media
- 4
- Likes
- 7,507
- Points
- 393
- Location
- Manchester (England)
- Sexuality
- 100% Gay, 0% Straight
- Gender
- Male
My mother told me the same thing 17 years ago when I came out to her. My response was, "What the hell do you know about it?"
She got over it within a month or so. Then she starting choosing dresses for me. Bless, she was trying to be supportive, just still hadn't quite figured out how to do it yet.
Your mother is a homophobe in that she just hasn't had much experience in the area. She fears the worst for her child because she doesn't have the wealth of knowledge to understand otherwise.
She is NOT a homophobe in that she wants the worst for you, because she doesn't.
I don't think this is anything for you to make a split with your mother over. She's just uneducated and trying to be protective. You just have to work with her and help her to understand why being so protective is unnecessary. Gay people's lives are much less hard now than they were 17 years ago (in most civilized parts of the world), and I didn't let it stop me then.
She got over it within a month or so. Then she starting choosing dresses for me. Bless, she was trying to be supportive, just still hadn't quite figured out how to do it yet.
Your mother is a homophobe in that she just hasn't had much experience in the area. She fears the worst for her child because she doesn't have the wealth of knowledge to understand otherwise.
She is NOT a homophobe in that she wants the worst for you, because she doesn't.
I don't think this is anything for you to make a split with your mother over. She's just uneducated and trying to be protective. You just have to work with her and help her to understand why being so protective is unnecessary. Gay people's lives are much less hard now than they were 17 years ago (in most civilized parts of the world), and I didn't let it stop me then.
I think it's possible to simply be uneducated and close-minded. By uneducated, I mean lacking the understanding that to deny an individual of what they are attracted to, can potentially cause more damage than how others will judge that person.
I hear people say, "hard life" and I don't really understand that. A hard life would be denying yourself who you are attracted to as a potential mate. Basically, I think she is imposing her fear on you and wishing you weren't gay so you wouldn't have the feelings she might have (guilt, shame, humiliation). But if you happy...keep reminding her...she will understand eventually.
I'm straight, but I am really involved in gay rights and have a soft spot for the gay community. My parents used to be completely homophobic being Hispanic and Christian. Over the years, after reminding them over and over...fighting...stating my stances...they are finally more educated about what it means to be gay and that there is nothing hard about it or wrong with it. It takes a lot of time, patience, and repetition!
I hear people say, "hard life" and I don't really understand that. A hard life would be denying yourself who you are attracted to as a potential mate. Basically, I think she is imposing her fear on you and wishing you weren't gay so you wouldn't have the feelings she might have (guilt, shame, humiliation). But if you happy...keep reminding her...she will understand eventually.
I'm straight, but I am really involved in gay rights and have a soft spot for the gay community. My parents used to be completely homophobic being Hispanic and Christian. Over the years, after reminding them over and over...fighting...stating my stances...they are finally more educated about what it means to be gay and that there is nothing hard about it or wrong with it. It takes a lot of time, patience, and repetition!
jjsjr
Superior Member
- Joined
- May 27, 2008
- Posts
- 5,919
- Media
- 37
- Likes
- 2,508
- Points
- 583
- Location
- Wilmington (Delaware, United States)
- Sexuality
- 100% Gay, 0% Straight
- Gender
- Male
Is there "good-intended" racism?
I think she's trying to find reasons to make her homophobia seem valid and less offensive.
It's like when people say they're gay-friendly. Why not just be friendly?
My mom tried that stuff on me saying life is easier if I were straight because no one would try to harass me for it. But that's irrelevant, because this is the life I was given and I will make it work.
I think she's trying to find reasons to make her homophobia seem valid and less offensive.
It's like when people say they're gay-friendly. Why not just be friendly?
My mom tried that stuff on me saying life is easier if I were straight because no one would try to harass me for it. But that's irrelevant, because this is the life I was given and I will make it work.
My opinion is pretty much the same as everyone else's but I'll give it anyway. I don't know your mother so I don't know her opinions on other issues but from what you've written, I don't think it's homophobia. It just sounds like old-fashioned views on a society and way of life that she has had no exposure to.
My Mother was exactly the same way. She had a gay brother (who ended up committing suicide), and she knew first hand what a hard life he had because he was gay. Mom has always had gay friends too, so she's always understood gay issues, and truly isn't homophobic in any way. She just wants the world for her children. I think once Mom realized after I came out that I was the same person I'd always been, and I don't take ANYBODY'S crap, much less somebody giving me shit about what I do in my bedroom, she calmed down. I also think my Mother saw how the world is quickly changing in regards to acceptance of gays.
Your Mom will come around... just give her time. She has to realize you won't be fitting into the box she's spent decades building, and once she cleans her slate, all will be well. For instance, I know my Mom has always loved the red hair I got from her, and loves my temperament and personality... and greatly wanted to see those attributes passed down to Grandchildren. It was a huge blow to her when she had to discard her hopes of Grandchildren. There are all sorts of expectations a parent has to change when their child comes out. It's just a readjustment period. Do your part to make the transition easy for your Mom, and try your best to softly educate her along the way. I guarantee after the dust settles, you'll have a closer relationship with your parent than ever. :smile:
Your Mom will come around... just give her time. She has to realize you won't be fitting into the box she's spent decades building, and once she cleans her slate, all will be well. For instance, I know my Mom has always loved the red hair I got from her, and loves my temperament and personality... and greatly wanted to see those attributes passed down to Grandchildren. It was a huge blow to her when she had to discard her hopes of Grandchildren. There are all sorts of expectations a parent has to change when their child comes out. It's just a readjustment period. Do your part to make the transition easy for your Mom, and try your best to softly educate her along the way. I guarantee after the dust settles, you'll have a closer relationship with your parent than ever. :smile:
This is partly true. It's ignorant because what she said implies that she thinks that you have control over whether or not you are gay, but her worries are not based upon the fact that you are gay, but based upon the fact that our society is backwards and gay people face discrimination and bigotry.
I am pregnant with a son and I'm not ignorant at all. If my son is gay, I know that he's gay and I can't change that. I wouldn't want to change that, because I'm going to love him no matter who he is and I'll always accept him.
But I still worry about whether his life will be harder, and I don't believe that has anything to do with ignorance or homophobia. That has to do with love and being a mother and growing up in a society that has treated gay people so badly.
I've thought about this a lot and I've thought a lot about how I will feel if my son is gay. My primary concern is that the world won't change enough and that he'll have a hard time, especially when he's young. That concern isn't ignorance, it's based upon fact. Puberty was incredibly difficult for me, and I wasn't a gay boy. Being worried about what sort of heartaches my child may face in life due to his sexual orientation isn't homophobic or ignorant IMO, it's based upon harsh realities of how unfair the world has been to been to gay people. That's not ignorant at all. It's just true.
I don't want my son to experience the things I know that my gay friends have experienced. It's out of my control, since I can't change the world to be a more accepting place, but it's still one of the things that I still worry about it anyway because I already love him.
- Joined
- Jan 11, 2009
- Posts
- 177
- Media
- 14
- Likes
- 169
- Points
- 363
- Location
- Maine (United States)
- Verification
- View
- Sexuality
- 80% Gay, 20% Straight
- Gender
- Male
Ignorance? Maybe. Concerned parent? Probably. I might get flack for this, I know some of my gay friends freaked. I would be beside myself sick to my stomach if my son had been gay. Would I accept it, yes. Would it be ignorance or bigotry creating the concern, no. It would be the death of a bit of my hopes for him.
Why would any parent be "happy" their child is different and will be set apart because of it? I had a friend who thought I should Have been hoping my kid was gay, because I'd understand him. I said no. I would never hope for him to be gay no more than I would hope for him to be poor, wear glasses, or missing a limb. The hopes are mine. Hopes for an easier, better life. Hopes for popularity, talent, brains and perfectly clear even toned skin. Hopes that would create my imagined ideal life free of struggles, pain, and heartache. Is it realistic, no. Nothing is ideal but on some level we all hope it is posdible. Even if a parent loves and is accepting of a gay child there is pain and loss for some of That "hope" and dream for your child.
There is a very good writing called "welcome to Holland" that could be applied to this as well.
Why would any parent be "happy" their child is different and will be set apart because of it? I had a friend who thought I should Have been hoping my kid was gay, because I'd understand him. I said no. I would never hope for him to be gay no more than I would hope for him to be poor, wear glasses, or missing a limb. The hopes are mine. Hopes for an easier, better life. Hopes for popularity, talent, brains and perfectly clear even toned skin. Hopes that would create my imagined ideal life free of struggles, pain, and heartache. Is it realistic, no. Nothing is ideal but on some level we all hope it is posdible. Even if a parent loves and is accepting of a gay child there is pain and loss for some of That "hope" and dream for your child.
There is a very good writing called "welcome to Holland" that could be applied to this as well.
- Joined
- Dec 5, 2007
- Posts
- 787
- Media
- 13
- Likes
- 934
- Points
- 673
- Location
- Pennsylvania (United States)
- Verification
- View
- Sexuality
- 100% Gay, 0% Straight
- Gender
- Male
One other aspect of that frequent combination of love and ignorance. When I came out to my parents way back in 1969, my father was irrationally furious. But he did come around with time. It's my mother's reaction that both fits and adds to the pattern described here. Yes, she said she was sure my life was going to be made miserable by others. But that was the second thing she said. The first was: "I've been afraid of that. What did I [meaning she] do wrong?"
joyboytoy79
Sexy Member
- Joined
- Aug 28, 2006
- Posts
- 3,682
- Media
- 32
- Likes
- 75
- Points
- 193
- Location
- Washington, D.C. (United States)
- Sexuality
- 100% Gay, 0% Straight
- Gender
- Male
My mom said almost these same exact words, and I never chalked it up to homophobia. I grew up in a small town. The only gay person my mom had been exposed to was a kid who's parents kicked him out of the house because he was gay. She adopted him, in a way. And she hated how the world treated him. But all of this happened when I was just a little kid.
By the time I came out, the world had changed significantly. I explained to Mom that my gayness wasn't going to make my life any harder than it already had been. In fact, my life, up until I came out, was pretty damn hard anyway. I grew up an outsider. I think Mom realized the mistake of her thinking when she saw me find a group of gay youth in my area who accepted me immediately. I think she realized what your mom will come to realize, coolby: a life of loneliness and isolation is MUCH harder than a life where you can make friends and find love and acceptance for being who you are.
By the time I came out, the world had changed significantly. I explained to Mom that my gayness wasn't going to make my life any harder than it already had been. In fact, my life, up until I came out, was pretty damn hard anyway. I grew up an outsider. I think Mom realized the mistake of her thinking when she saw me find a group of gay youth in my area who accepted me immediately. I think she realized what your mom will come to realize, coolby: a life of loneliness and isolation is MUCH harder than a life where you can make friends and find love and acceptance for being who you are.
To answer your question there's no such thing as well intentioned homophobia.
But I don't think the OP's mum is homophobic, I think she's being a wee bit extra protective and perhaps a little confused about things.
Tbh your child can have a huge range of problems in life, ill health, disability, mental illness, just good old fashioned bad luck. Being gay doesn't have to be the kind of impairment these kinds of issues can be. Depending on where one lives and what kind of background one comes from being gay needn't be an impairment at all.
Of course millions of gay people live with oppression and prejudice, and many millions more live with discrimination and difficulty, but that doesn't mean we all live bleak, miserable lives of exclusion an persecution.
All the OP needs to do is try to expose his mother to examples of how gay people can live happy, fulfilled and successful lives, and try to reassure her that this is what life can be like for her son.
But I don't think the OP's mum is homophobic, I think she's being a wee bit extra protective and perhaps a little confused about things.
Tbh your child can have a huge range of problems in life, ill health, disability, mental illness, just good old fashioned bad luck. Being gay doesn't have to be the kind of impairment these kinds of issues can be. Depending on where one lives and what kind of background one comes from being gay needn't be an impairment at all.
Of course millions of gay people live with oppression and prejudice, and many millions more live with discrimination and difficulty, but that doesn't mean we all live bleak, miserable lives of exclusion an persecution.
All the OP needs to do is try to expose his mother to examples of how gay people can live happy, fulfilled and successful lives, and try to reassure her that this is what life can be like for her son.
B_bxmuscle
Experimental Member
Its the same reason why some friends of mine who are white have told me why they wouldn't wanna be black or have bi-racial kids -- they're not racist themselves, but know that life would be much harder because of other people's racism. Sad, but a common way of thinking. Mention this to her next time she raises the issue.
I don't think she is being homophobic however she has to recognise that the easiest path is neither the best nor the most exciting one.
If we really wanted our children to have the easiest life and not to be discriminated we would want them to be male, caucasian, straight, slim, tall, rich, super intelligent, young forever, etc. I thik we can have none of these characteristics and still be completely happy.
If we really wanted our children to have the easiest life and not to be discriminated we would want them to be male, caucasian, straight, slim, tall, rich, super intelligent, young forever, etc. I thik we can have none of these characteristics and still be completely happy.
EdWoody
Superior Member
- Joined
- Jun 27, 2006
- Posts
- 3,464
- Media
- 4
- Likes
- 7,507
- Points
- 393
- Location
- Manchester (England)
- Sexuality
- 100% Gay, 0% Straight
- Gender
- Male
The problem here is this quote I remember from somewhere - throughout your childhood you're always trying to fit into the crowd, to be exactly like everybody else. Then suddenly, as an adult, you want to stand out of the crowd or else you disappear into it.
A child who is "different" in some way becomes a more interesting adult. As long as you, as a parent, can protect them from the assholes who do think being different is wrong, and instead support and nourish that difference so that the child grows up different but happy. Bland all the personality out of your child and you damage them.
