How can I hook up?

[Catharsis]

Continuing off of this topic, where I think some valid points were made - but the OP was banned and I thought I would start a new topic because I'm curious about any advice that would apply to me or some other guys.

I'll start it off with my post that went unanswered and hopefully the topic can kick off from here:

Body Language - Indicators of Interest (IOI's) - YouTube

Here's the documentary if people are interested.

I think to a lot of people this "courtship" or the game comes natural as a feeling or instinct but in my case I'm quite the opposite I use learned scripts or rational intelligence, I know what is supposed to come next as I have read about it or seen it in videos but it doesn't come naturally to me at all and I used to be quite clueless to bodylanguage almost as if I'm autistic or something.

Either way, rational intelligence or instinctive feelings I noticed girls apreciate it when you know how the game works.

What is this game you're talking about (I saw in one of your later posts, "Learn to play the game or it's game over," so I assume this post is the one to which you refer when you say that), do you mean the courtship behaviors that women express? I assume that you've brought that up because the OP had supposedly been approached by women, but what if you're not approached by a woman?

I'm young and inexperienced in trying to hook up (not to say that I haven't tried). For while, I've given up trying and thought maybe I should be in a relationiship... But I learned that I'm not looking for commitment. I haven't been to a club, yet, and while I understand that people go to clubs to have fun or for the sake of participating in the activity called "clubbing," it's been suggested to me several times that that's where I should go if I really want to get laid for a one night stand.

I've been to plenty of house parties at college where I'd assume people act similarly as a club, and I guess it would be pretty much the same thing, but on a smaller scale (drinking, dancing, but not much room for socializing unless you were outside the house). What exactly is the difference between a party and a club? Do people go to these with different intentions, from your experience? At this point, I'm just asking open questions, not aimed at WhiteMonster or at any one else in particular.

 

[SoloMix]

haha. bro dont it wrong. in the beginning it just takes a lot of experimenting socially. But eventually you will start to understand "the game". Women are all different and similar, to the same as guys. I'm not a pro, but it IS a talent to be that magnet, it just takes practice and shamelessness, and trying to find that moderation (depending on the situation and the purpose and the person). You never want to be too friend like, for a PROLONGED time at least, nor you wanna come out too strong and trying to make out with them in the next 2 minutes (unless they are drunk and/or very horny).

 

[HunggGreek]

Cath when you find the answer let me know, this kinda ties into where I was going with my thread

 

[Thirdlegproduction]

Any question in particular you want answered from me?

 

[Catharsis]

Well, I quoted your post from that topic. I actually made this same post here:

http://www.lpsg.org/282344-how-do-you-pull-women-6.html#post3895492

The only question I had for you, in particular, was what you meant about "the game" because I honestly have no idea what that means.

Everything else in that post (how do you know if a woman or even a man might be interested if she doesn't approach you, is there a difference between a college party and a club, do people have different intentions at a party versus a club, etc.) are open questions for anyone to answer.

 

[BoxersMan]

from my own experience with clubs/college partying, with clubs, girls are going to be way more drunk and way more loose so the possibility of a hook-up is more likely. Typically, girls at the clubs are usually in packs on a girls night, not many women go there with their significant other so you have that aspect of things too.

as for college parties, it's easier to hear in a house/apartment so conversation is going to happen. i think at a college party, you end up moreso getting into a relationship with the girl (or guy I guess) you hook up with because chances are there will be more college parties and you will see them again and again. further, if you go to the same college... also it's a little awkward because a lot of eyes are on you at a college party since the quarters are so close together.

 

[spoon]

Cath, do you think that-because you'd like a hookup-that maybe your a bit tense, and, coming across as tense? just go out and have fun and the hook up will happen.

people enjoy and tend to gravitate to people that are fun.

 

[helgaleena]

when I was an undergrad alcohol was always involved in hookups, as they are called nowadays, because it was the most easy way to release inhibitions for both sexes. However it also leads to many more mismatches than long-term (that is, more than 2 or 3 meets). They mainly are ways to gain more experience, and usually you avoid each other HARD forever after.

Back then, 18 was legal drinking age in my state, too.

 

[Catharsis]

I really wouldn't doubt if there was an aura of anxiety and desperateness surrounding me, and I know this is a turnoff but I do try to hide it and I thought I did pretty well at hiding it. I do nothing different at the parties this past semester from what I've done last year when I just went to parties to have fun with expectations (a good thing, too, because even then I didn't exactly "score" anything, although my friends did try -to no avail- to hook me up with a couple girls for a bit).

Anyway, that didn't work out and it hasn't still. Like I said in my post, I've been told on more than one occasion that I should go to a club if I want to get laid.

The thing is that I've never been to a club, so I never really thought there was much a difference between that and college parties (a DJ blasting music in a dark room crowded with people grinding each other). I didn't really think there was a lot of room or peace for talking with someone unless we screamed into each other's ear. I guess it depends on to which party you go. *shrugs*

BUT, my friend said I should be able to get laid at these parties all the time. Find a girl, dance with her, eventually it'll be more personal and sexy. Grinding will turn into intimate movements, and some kissing might occur. Then he said that after a while, when we're both ready to leave, I just need to get her number and invite her back to my place. Of course, like I said, it doesn't take long for the girl to push me away so these levels of progression never did occur for me - am I that bad at grinding? I'm not going to lie, I thought all the guy needed to do was go side to side in rhythm with the music and the girl did all the work. *shrugs again*

Maybe I'm playing "the game" completely wrong, so that's why I would like some enlightenment on this and would like to know what exactly the game is.

 

[Incocknito]

At a party you might just finger a girl in a back room, or 'make out'. Possibly shag her but that's not generally how it works.

Depending which club you go to you can have great success. Generally places that you have to pay to get into will have higher rates of success. Here we have a place called Reflex that plays 80s music. Although the music is for older people (MILF types) you can find a lot of 20somethings too. And they are generally quite 'receptive'...

In a club you probably won't finger her but you will make out and hopefully you would exchange numbers and then decide whether to pursue anything the morning after.

There will be rejections / bad experiences but once you get through them you will know what you're doing.

Sometimes it's as little as dressing nice and feeling good about the way you look, putting on a nice aftershave. A good tip is to get 'merry' as we say but not drunk off your face.

Another alternative is to use a dating site like Free Online Dating at POF.com although that's more for relationships. You can find people who want sex but they're usually empty inside.

 

[helgaleena]

One thing to know about girls is they generally don't like to jump on complete strangers. You have to be at least an acquaintance and she either has seen you in class a dozen times and/or knows your name, at a minimum.

The sort of girl who would let herself go so far with a complete stranger has begun to lose scruples and self respect-- big red flags.

Also, due to the differences in male and female biology, lots of girls will be content to just do the feeling up and pushing away and not expect to be doing more with anyone. If you liked the gropingg you were doing at a party, seek her out again at the next party, see if there's any progression. Or even if there isn't, have a good feel and then go home and have happy dreams. Young 'girls' don't comprehend 'blue balls'. Truly! Especially if they were brought up by Bible thumpers.

 

[Thirdlegproduction]

The game can be like picking the right fruit in the grocery store, first you look if they are healthy looking, not too young not too old, then you feel them up, you put them to the test to see if there are some bad spots. And after comparing you decide wether it's worth the time/money to invest in the fruit.

First step is attraction, are you aware of your appeal? Do you show off masculinity for example will you be able to protect her aka are you tall and/or muscular.
Will she be able to show you off to her friends will you make a lasting impression.

These are just a few things that are factors in the first few moments and is evaluated long before you even talk to her.

Most of the times it's just instinct and people are not aware of this behaviour at all.

Thing is, EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING is a test with younger women, it's really tiresome when you recognise it for what it is.

The most common test you may know as, "do these pants make me look fat?" which translates as much as "Am I still desirable to you?, I'm not feeling all that pretty right now cheer me up?"

A really far fetched example happened to my friend the other day who went on holliday at the same time and place as this girl he really liked and she liked him as well.
However at some point she was telling him about her ex and how she still has feelings and it would be better to just keep the relationship at friendship level.
He was heartbroken as he took things too literal, and I told him it was probably another test, conscious or subconscious didn't matter she wanted to know if he was going to be a wuss and accept that some potential lover from the past would have her or if he was man enough to step up take the risk and fight for her love.

I was right about her testing him and he took my advice about going after her and they're happily in love for the moment.

So far, understanding "the game"

you can make it as complex as you want but it comes down to a few primal needs like long term survival, safety, and ensuring your offspring is strong, safe and healthy.

I often observe people and I tend to think that we're far closer to animals then we'd like to believe.
As for learning bodylanguage, I learned most from observing my dog over the years and watching Cesar Milan on Nat geo it is almost as if bodylanguage is universal in the animal kingdom.
A cat will understand a dog's intentions as would a rabbit understand a cat's intentions.
And that's what I think is the key to understanding the game, analyse why people act the way they do, what are their true intentions when flipping their hair or when looking at their watches or walking around with your belly tucked in and chest up.
Every movement has an hidden message.

 

[Thirdlegproduction]

As for when I'm in the club, I used to dance to impress girls which most of the times would get me nowhere no matter how good it was.

Where it fails, is at the point where you are giving these girls the power to decide over your fate, you are looking for their approval when dancing to impress them or buying their attention with drinks.

Don't get me wrong, you should by all means be able to dance but leave the fancy moves or impressing people to the ladies and just try to enjoy yourself.

These days I tend to just get a glass of wine or beer and sit somewhere where I have a good view and people "women" have a good view of me.
And while all the other "boys" are working their asses of to get some approval of the ladies with their fany dancemoves I stand out for not caring and just sitting back relaxing enjoying my drink. I do always make sure I look presentable and professional which helps a lot when your "competition" is wearing plain tshirts and sneakers.

As it turns out this way, a lot of the clubwomen are starting to compete over my attention by often giving smiles and longer then usual glances and getting closer to my vicinity.

So powerplay is a big part too, are you giving them power or getting it.
I don't enjoy these manipulative games, but you are often more succesfull on the receiving end.

There are also nights in clubs where I don't get these results and I just enjoy the music and the drinks and at the end of the night I just go home without so much a number or anything.
So no club and no woman is the same but I have had more succes this way.



Parties should be easier, as it's not as loud and most of the people already know one another but the same principles apply.

 

[Catharsis]

At a party you might just finger a girl in a back room, or 'make out'. Possibly shag her but that's not generally how it works.

Depending which club you go to you can have great success. Generally places that you have to pay to get into will have higher rates of success. Here we have a place called Reflex that plays 80s music. Although the music is for older people (MILF types) you can find a lot of 20somethings too. And they are generally quite 'receptive'...

In a club you probably won't finger her but you will make out and hopefully you would exchange numbers and then decide whether to pursue anything the morning after.

There will be rejections / bad experiences but once you get through them you will know what you're doing.

Sometimes it's as little as dressing nice and feeling good about the way you look, putting on a nice aftershave. A good tip is to get 'merry' as we say but not drunk off your face.

Another alternative is to use a dating site like Free Online Dating at POF.com although that's more for relationships. You can find people who want sex but they're usually empty inside.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa... These things happen at parties?

One thing to know about girls is they generally don't like to jump on complete strangers. You have to be at least an acquaintance and she either has seen you in class a dozen times and/or knows your name, at a minimum.

The sort of girl who would let herself go so far with a complete stranger has begun to lose scruples and self respect-- big red flags.

<your two long posts right above this>

I can understand that - but at these parties, even my female friends say that it's generally understood that, if they (females) are alone, they'll most likely be "picked up" by a guy and they get into grinding. It's sad, it's sexist, but it's just what happens. This is what my friend suggested, too (the guy who has supposed success with hooking up at parties) - just pick up a girl, it's to be expected.

But throughout my lifetime of college parties, I must have "danced" with ... at least 200 different girls (more than one girl at a party because, as I've said, I don't last with one girl for very long). I have to say that there must be something I'm doing wrong. It might also be my physical appeal, too - I was grossly overweight (and I still am, technically) and I don't see anything special with the way I look and dress. I simply cannot see myself dressed up in a suit at one of these parties, even if it is to stand out, and the only free space at these parties is outside the house or on the walls inside the house where everyone else is.

Now... I understand what the game is, but I just have yet to see it in practice with me. I do notice this as girls react with other guys though, but maybe I'm just oblivious? Perhaps this ties more into HunggGreek's topic than I originally thought.

Anyway, to avoid two threads about the same topic, let's get back into the topic I wanted to build off of and just assume I catch a woman showing interest with her eyes, smile, body language, actions - whatever. How do I "pull her in for sex?"

Parties should be easier, as it's not as loud and most of the people already know one another but the same principles apply.

I just want to make it clear (as I suggested above) that this really hasn't been my experience. All of the girls I've danced with were strangers (I'm more than fairly sure - I haven't even recognized them from campus) and, while I'm sure parties might very well be quieter than clubs, it's not exactly easy to communicate with others.

 

[BoxersMan]

I think that the more confidence you have in yourself, the better your chances are.

First off, you are no way overweight! If you keep convincing yourself that then your confidence is going to be low and it's gonna show to both girls and guys.

Second, has anyone ever told you that a certain color looks good on you? If you have green/blue eyes, red is probably a good color, plus you stand out. So, go to some store and get a nice red button up shirt and then wear that to a party or even to a club with a nice fitting pair of jeans. That is, one the accentuates the positives--not too baggy but not too tight. Wear a pair of dress shoes with that.

Then to finish it off, before you go out, get some cologne and put a little on your wrists and then dab some behind your ears. When a girl leans in, she will smell this, and girls love cologne for some reason.

That's a good start I think!

 

[helgaleena]

Try to go to parties where you KNOW people. Otherwise a grope/grind is all you can count on.

 

[Thirdlegproduction]

There are ways of testing if a girl is interested in doing more then dancing but it has to come of natural or else it's just creepy.

grinding is already touchy feely, so you have done something right.
For me, I will explore her body with my hands when grinding even as daring as to go "near" the ass or boobs or upper legs and most of the times she will have boundaries and put the hands on a more comfortable place. Sometimes you get luck right at the beginning and she let's you do whatever you want. key is to explore and respect these boundaries but don't see the boundaries as a rejection.
You will def know when you get rejected if so just walk away and move on.

If she allows you to touch her like stroking her hair back or just allows you to get within kissing range without stepping back you have her sexual interest.
But interest isn't the same as actually having sex with you so just take it step by step and observe and react to her leads, usually they will touch you more frequently.
For me I know it's a homerun when I get to kiss her as it allows me to kiss and touch other places like the neck and ears, which for most women is the holy grail you add some slow soft smelling and breathing in there take your time and let her know you enjoy smelling her and she is alllll yours.
Forget about tits, pussy, ass, go for the neck and ears.
Technique, observance, passion and control are key.

Don't ever act or say you are sorry for wanting her, unless she is really upset. A lot of girls have a tendency to test your cockiness to see if it is an act or not.

So a lot of the succes depends on your confidence in who you are and what you want from her and exploring the boundaries of her private space.

I think you already explained where you failed.
You have no clue on how to proceed or interpret signs of interest.
You have a low self esteem.

So evolve into someone who you are more comfortable with, start working out, get a new wardrobe, eat healthier etc.


Sidenote, this is pretty easy explaining shit in hindsight and talking about theory's and all but I'm not always right and my experiences don't have to translate onto yours just try to have fun and don't go out expecting to have sex.

 

[Catharsis]

I think you already explained where you failed.
You have no clue on how to proceed or interpret signs of interest.
You have a low self esteem.

So evolve into someone who you are more comfortable with, start working out, get a new wardrobe, eat healthier etc.

This is true and that's understandable. I technically am overweight (@ Boxersman) but don't think I'm not doing anything about it. It's been a process for the past year, and although I've made some marked improvements, I'm still not anywhere near the look I'm aiming for.

It's a bit hard without a gym membership but I manage with what I can do (and afford). The wardrobe will have to wait until, oh I don't know, years from now. The only reason I bought new clothes recently at all (this past summer) was because I had, indeed, lost a lot of weight and I couldn't fit any of the clothes I already had. I needed some new pants, new shirts, and a new winter coat without any of it appearing too baggy on me.

I mentioned this in my blog on Thanksgiving:

http://www.lpsg.org/blogs/catharsis/the-fattest-day-of-the-12349/

I don't do baggy jeans, by the way. I wouldn't say my fashion is bad, I'm just saying that I don't wear a suit to a college party.

But then, hm, maybe I am just like the OP in the old topic because I really don't understand what you're saying. You've told me how a woman might express interest, but OK - so please tell me what you would do to proceed if she's interested, then? (I mean beyond the grinding and touching - is it really just ask if they want to leave, ask for their phone number, and invite them back to your place?) I realize that that question is personal and might not be the golden rule to follow, but I'm not kidding when I say I have no idea what you're talking about.

 

[Thirdlegproduction]

I wouldn't do suits either at a party but you can look professional without a suit.

I could recommend some literature but the best method is to look at men who are succesfull with women and observe/analyse what they are doing that works.

Being a mindreader helps, ofcourse nobody can but you can try to place yourself into a woman's mind or situation in the first place. Understand their insecurities and annoyances.

youtube can be a great source but watch out for buying any stuff.

How to Attract Women for Shy Guys - YouTube

 

[Catharsis]

I'm a bit obtuse on this, then - by professional, do you mean what Boxersman suggested, with the shirt, nice fitting jeans, and dress shoes?

I've seen what my friend suggested to me work in practice with other guys. I've been to enough parties and been on the sidelines enough to see a random guy pick up a random girl and they dance all night. It starts at grinding and then it becomes more personal after a while. He does what you said, or he does something with his face on her neck and ears after he strokes her hair to the other side - she reciprocates and the dancing starts to slow down between them. I assume that at this point, he has her right in his hand.

Honestly, though, I think a woman's attraction to you is more based on looks than you or other guys would say. You say that woman actually compete for your attention - because you stand out from other guys with your carefree attitude? I don't know how your confidence is displayed unless women literally have a sixth sense to detect that in a guy.

As for dates or relationships... Over the summer, I thought that is what I wanted, but I learned that I'm really not looking for commitment. That video gave me some decent advice if I were on a date with a women or even if I meet her for the first time somewhere and we start talking. But, quite frankly, I think I just want to have sex without the commitment. There's only one way to see if that's really what I'm looking for.