How do you quit someone?

[titan1968]

I've been in a long-distance for many years now, and like in any relationship, there are ups and downs. I have loved this man for many years, have always been there for him and he for me (read my thread 'Is this love or infatuation', 2005). In March 2007 I told him that I was moving to his country in June 2007 to work--and be closer to him; his reaction: he was very happy for me and said that he would spend as much time as he could with me (mostly weekends because he has a very busy schedule). Since moving here, I've seen him only once. I'm incredibly upset, and have told him so in a letter, in text messages and in E-mails. So far, there has been no response. This isn't even the first time he performs a vanishing act (see thread above). He did later apologise and I forgave him.

I'm terribly confused, angry and heart-broken: my head says to forget him and move on, but my heart can't let go. I've never had a problem of letting go before, so why is it so hard this time? My friends have advised me to forget the bugger because he's obviously not interested in me-- he was leading me on. I've known 'my sunshine' for almost six years, so why didn't I see this coming? People don't change, so what was I thinking? I'm such a fool....

I feel that I'm living Brokeback Mountain: my 'sunshine' is Ennis and I'm romantic Jack. How do I quit him? I miss him so much....

Titan1968

 

[dolfette]

might he be having some sort of personal crisis?
though it does sound like he might've just got cold feet...

i'm fortunate enough to me incredibly shallow...i buy new shoes and everything is ok again.
if shoes don't work, gawd i hate cliches, but time heals.

sorry you're hurting.

 

[titan1968]

If he is in the middle of a personal crisis, should I give him more time?
Should I go and see him or would this make matters worse?

might he be having some sort of personal crisis?
though it does sound like he might've just got cold feet...

i'm fortunate enough to me incredibly shallow...i buy new shoes and everything is ok again.
if shoes don't work, gawd i hate cliches, but time heals.

sorry you're hurting.

 

[dolfette]

If he is in the middle of a personal crisis, should I give him more time?
Should I go and see him or would this make matters worse?

you sound like the not knowing is tearing you apart.

will it hurt you more to walk away? or to face him and maybe be rejected?
only you know the answer...personally, i think it's time you put your own feelings first.

 

[Gillette]

personally, i think it's time you put your own feelings first.

This couldn't be more true.

I read your other thread and the advice given to you then was very good. The fact that this guy hasn't been available to you seems to indicate that his feelings for you aren't as strong as yours are for him.Coming to grips with this will hurt like hell, I've been there, but the sooner you start to put yourself first the better.

How to quit someone? That's the tough part.

Get more involved in your own interests. Fill your hours so that you haven't time to moon over him. Before long you'll have a full day without thinking of him once, after that you'll have more and more of them.

I can't tell you that it will ever stop hurting. You will probably feel a pang in your heart when you think of him. Anytime you focus on an emotional hurt it can come back to you as fresh as the time it happened. The key is not to do so.

 

[NCbear]

People don't change, so what was I thinking? I'm such a fool....

Titan1968, you're not a fool. You're a man in love. Obsessively so. All wrapped up in someone else.

We've all done this. Well, maybe not moved to another country to be near our obsession, but most of us have gotten completely wrapped up in someone else at some point in our lives. And your experience shows you the risks involved in doing that.

Take a moment to think about what you want, Titan1968 and about what will make you happy (don't put a person's name on that feeling, just think about the kind of relationship or lifestyle that will make you happy). Put another way, think of times when you were happy and contented and analyze those situations to find out why you were happy/contented.

Then compare what you want versus what you have. If those two are different, and if what you have is significantly less (or lacking) in comparison to what you want, then find ways to move from the current (negative) situation to a future (more positive) situation.

As Gillette said, are there other interests you have that you can explore? Can you find other interesting people to interact with? Can you make changes in your daily activities so that you're no longer obsessing over someone who may or may not return your feelings?

People do what they do, Titan1968, and we can't change them. All we can change is ourselves.

NCbear (who was in this type of relationship twice--once for 12 years--before wising up and learning to be independent and to be with someone because I wanted to be with someone, not because it felt like some cosmic force was pulling me in that direction)

 

[QuiteOne]

If I can be so bold, I think what you're really hoping for is someone to tell you that you should keep holding out for this guy. I doubt anyone here will tell you anything other than to move on with your life. The man used you and led you on. Why on earth would you pine for someone that obviously doesn't care about you.

 

[titan1968]

Thanks members for the sound advice.

QuiteOne, I think you may have a point here.

If I can be so bold, I think what you're really hoping for is someone to tell you that you should keep holding out for this guy. I doubt anyone here will tell you anything other than to move on with your life. The man used you and led you on. Why on earth would you pine for someone that obviously doesn't care about you.

In past relationships, there always was a communication problem and they went sour. I thought if I communicated more, this wouldn't happen and 'we' could work things through (it obviously doesn't help when only one person is doing the communicating).

I believe that my main problem is that I'm angry with myself for letting this happen-- for letting my guard down. 'Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.'

I know that there are so many good people out there, but I don't feel that right now. What can I do to avoid this (from being led on) in the future? What can I do to renew my confidence in people?

 

[NCbear]

Titan1968, here's my perspective on "being led on": You're the only person who can decide whether he wants to be led on.

Life isn't happening to you, you're making decisions and creating the life you want. If the life you have isn't the one you want, then you have the power to change that. (And the only time you don't have that power is when you give it up.)

Again, sit down in a quiet place and think about this situation logically, as though it were another person's situation.

Like this:

1. I'm not happy.
2. Why am I not happy? Because I'm not having the kind of life I want to have.
3. Why am I not having that kind of life? Because I haven't identified the characteristics of a "happy life" that would make me happy, and/or because I haven't made the kind of decisions in the recent past that would allow me to have the kind of "happy life" I've identified.
4. What can get me to that "having a happy life" state of being? Scrutinizing those characteristics and decisions, for one, and for two, changing my current "not having a happy life" state to match those characteristics and decisions congruent with my own definition of "having a happy life."

It really is as easy--and as difficult--as that.

NCbear (who would welcome a PM, Titan1968, if you'd like to talk further about this)

 

[arliss]

i think you are being too hard on yourself...you had no idea this was going to happen so you need not feel like a fool....but it is time to move on..hard ? yes...why? you have invested so much time and energy into this relationship..of course you are hurt....get involved in some time consuming hobbies....find some interests...such as golfing...fishing....join a gym.....go bowling....you need to be around your friends as much as possible...you need their support...

 

[dolfette]

i think you are being too hard on yourself...you had no idea this was going to happen so you need not feel like a fool....but it is time to move on..hard ? yes...why? you have invested so much time and energy into this relationship..of course you are hurt....get involved in some time consuming hobbies....find some interests...such as golfing...fishing....join a gym.....go bowling....you need to be around your friends as much as possible...you need their support...

and buy shoes.

 

[simcha]

Gosh titan1968, you've gotten yourself in a pickle. This is tough. You moved to another country for him. Man, I'd never do that without a rock of somekind and a marriage contract. You must be a romantic and thus very exposed to this kind of thing.

Look, this guy sounds like a shlub. I saw Brokeback Mountain and I never understood why anyone would have wanted Enis. The guy was just so anti-social. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who didn't know how to communicate his feelings, but that's me.

If I were you, I'd move on. OK, so you moved to Montréal, Canada. I hear it's a beautiful city with some very hot and available men (and women, it looks like women interest you too.) Find someone who is just as romantic as you, who can return your love and attention. You deserve it, guy. C'mon, you are hot! I see that hot pic of your chest and yum! I don't think you'll have trouble finding someone else. Just make sure the next one you fall for can return your intensity. Many blessings on your journey. Sorry you are hurting now. (((((((((HUGS)))))))))

 

[Hand_Solo]

If you wanna quit someone, quit them 100%. No second chances, no communication, and in the meantime, turn your heart to ice-encrusted anthracite with liberal doses of bitterness and hatred just to be on the safe side.

 

[SpoiledPrincess]

Get over him by getting on someone else.

 

[diamond]

Hey Titan,


Why don't you hang out with me and burnsie, I mean at least you will have an outlet. We both live in montreal.....

 

[earllogjam]

I feel you already know the answers to your question here, Titan, because I have been in your situation more times than I care to remember.

This may be an odd thing to say but love him anyways. Don't take your relationship with him as a loss of any sort. Cherish it. Love is like a living thing, it needs to be nurtured, and cared for to grow. Sometimes it dies to make the next plant healthier and stronger. You will come to your own understanding and act upon it on your own time. But be kind to yourself and give yourself that time and space. You will wake up one morning and see things more clearly, good or bad, without the prejudice of love.

Positive energy to you Titan. Take good care and be good to yourself; you are the only you, you've got. :smile:

 

[D_Bob_Crotchitch]

Earl that is sobeautiful. What wonderful thoughts and wise words. Anybody got a tissue. *HONK*

 

[Not_Punny]

Good idea -- drown yourself in some good times... have a fling, take up a new hobby, learn Sanskrit... the more you fill your mind with other (fun) things, the less time you'll have to mourn your loss.

 

[UtahCock]

I agree 500% with Spoiled PRincess.

You dont really get over someone until you move on to someone else.

Start seeing someone else.

SOMEONE ELSE.

You'll be happier. Guaranteed.

 

[B_Hung Jon]

Sorry to hear about your situation. Makes me all sad just thinking about it.