How do you tell you partner you don't want to have sex?

[galaxus]

Now let me explain something first. Between me and my fiancé, I'm am definitely the hornier one.... Definitely. So when I used to offer sex, a lot of the time I get shut down.... Or I get lousy sex because she wasnt into in the first place but didn't want to say no to me. So now I usually don't really expect to have sex and just what until it is blatantly obvious that she wants me. I don't to pressure her.

The sucky part is that she gets horny at the most inconvienent times. She wants to have sex right before I go to work, which makes me late. She wants to do it at ted and places where we can be caught. She wants to touch on me atalk dirty to me when we have to kid in the other room wide awake (ps, when I'm in parent mode, I don't think about sex at all).

Just this morning she wanted to have sex, but I wanted to take a shower first because last night we were sweating a lot for drinking and partying to celebrate the new year. I tried to tell her that I wasnt in the mood, but it looked like she was about to cry.... I don't want to make her cry. That'll ruin the whole day. I wanted to have sex, but not that type of sex... So I had to choose between making her cry or having substandard sex.... So we fucked....

How do you say no to a horny woman without hurting her feelings?

 

[snbk]

she's not horny, she's manipulative.
she's also immature if she's about to cry because you tell her no.
so, tell her no.
someone can't tell you what to do with your body.

you can't 'make someone else cry'
she's cornered you into a psychologically impossible position, then manipulated you into
doing what she wants which is

to make you rush, make you late for work and make you neurotic about sex.
because
she's probably constantly late, and neurotic about sex.

 

[ryguy88]

I agree with snbk...

 

[Drifterwood]

Do not marry this woman until you have sorted this issue out.

 

[rob_just_rob]

Tricky one. If I like her, I say I'm tired/sore/stressed out (which is true, usually). That usually works.

If I don't like her, I tell her I have bad diarrhoea (to this point, this has always been a lie). That has yet to fail.

 

[petite]

Why didn't you just tell her that you wanted to have sex but that you wanted to shower first?

I don't agree that you can't "make someone else cry." That's a convenient excuse for why you can't ever be at fault for being hurtful or mean to someone else.

However, in this context, I would ask the OP why she's so sensitive to being turned down when it doesn't sound like you do it often. In this particular situation, it definitely sounds like it's a personal issue that she's having. That doesn't mean that you have permission to be insensitive towards her, and you don't sound like you are in the least, but you also aren't obligated to have sex with her whenever she wants it.

It sounds like the two of you just need to sit down and talk about how you can't have sex at inappropriate times, like when you have to go to work, and that if you tell you that you can't that it doesn't mean that you don't want to. Tell her how much you desire her and how you want to have sex all the time, but you can't actually do that because of responsibilities and inhibitions regarding the kids and how you want her to understand that.

 

[pierceplace]

thats pretty cute of you, right?

 

[Drifterwood]

That doesn't mean that you have permission to be insensitive towards her.....

Why not, if she is playing games. The worst thing that you can do to manipulative people is let them have their own way. If you don't, you then find out what hey are really all about, especially in this case where they seem to be sexually incompatible as well.

I would have preferred her to give her cunt a wash up as well.

 

[petite]

Why not, if she is playing games. The worst thing that you can do to manipulative people is let them have their own way. If you don't, you then find out what hey are really all about, especially in this case where they seem to be sexually incompatible as well.

I would have preferred her to give her cunt a wash up as well.

She might not be playing games. You're assuming one motivation for her behavior, when I can think of others that are not so cynical.

These kinds of questions don't have a single simple answer. We know only as much as the OP told us in three short paragraphs and even though he knows her in person and all the details he didn't provide us, he doesn't even know what's going on with her, so we can't possibly really know either. We can only suggest possible explanations, not give definitive answers.

And even if a person that you are dating and care about is "playing games" there's a reason for that, too, and I think that question should be asked before a person chooses to "let her cry."

However, I actually doubt that she's squirting fake tears just to see if he'll do what she wants him to do. The OP didn't ask what should he do if his girlfriend is pretending to be upset, so given the fact that he actually knows her, I'm going with "he knows her better than we do" and I'm trusting that she's not just being manipulative and her feelings are genuine.

 

[B_Bjen2848]

she's obviously fucking with you .. or she at least needs some sort of "thrill" to have sex with you, look at when she's horny, when you're about to go to work .. she wants to see if you will put her ahead of work .. in front of kids, she wants to see if you will put her ahead of kids.. and if she shuts you down all the time, yet you say no and is about to cry, you have a nut case on your hands

she is manipulative and knows your weakness, which is sex .. i may sound cynical, but do this test, pay more attention to when she's horny, is it when she wants something else from you? whenever she wants $ to go to the mall, thats when shes horny all of a sudden, then you know you have a problem...

 

[Drifterwood]

She might not be playing games. You're assuming one motivation for her behavior, when I can think of others that are not so cynical.

I am sure we would love to hear them then.

 

[petite]

I am sure we would love to hear them then.

Nah, I thought about it and then I thought that the advice I gave earlier was better.

It all comes down to the same thing, that he needs to talk to her about it and just be as honest with her as he has been with us in this thread. He's said everything he needs to say to her here.

 

[Drifterwood]

Nah, I thought about it and then I thought that the advice I gave earlier was better.

It all comes down to the same thing, that he needs to talk to her about it and just be as honest with her as he has been with us in this thread. He's said everything he needs to say to her here.

He needs to tell her firmly, and not allow her to manipulate him. He will then find out if their relationship has a future that he would want to be a part of.

 

[petite]

He needs to tell her firmly, and not allow her to manipulate him. He will then find out if their relationship has a future that he would want to be a part of.

I agree that he doesn't need to allow her to "manipulate" him, but I don't know what "tell her firmly" is supposed to mean. Does this mean that instead of asking her why she gets so upset, he should demand that she stop being manipulative, [stomp foot here]?

 

[_Jonesy]

It's over comes to mind

No seriously, good advice above. I just wanted to add a light-hearted joke to the mix

 

[Thirdlegproduction]

I'll say no, and explain why.

If she insists, I'll offer to help her pleasure herself, which isn't much effort at all just some breathing down her neck a lil biting and playing with her boobs while she fingers herself or uses a vibrator.

The alternative was to make her do all the work on top of me but somehow neither of us would cum that way.

 

[galaxus]

I didn't read all the comments yet, but I do want to make something clear.

I did tell her that I wanted to have sex, but I wanted to take a shower first. She said, "why? I don't smell you. Are you saying you want me to take a shower too?"

If I said yes to us both showering, I knew she wouldn't want to have sex anymore. Her horniness comes and goes in a flash. I have to catch it when I can.

It was in the morning.... so she was kinda out of it anyway...

 

[deleted704937]

She sounds pretty immature to me, too. From what I'm reading, she turns you down or half-asses it all the time, yet expects instant gratification whenever she's horny herself? That's not cool. She needs to understand that you don't want to fuck at a moment's notice 24/7, especially when that's clearly the case with her as well.

 

[D_Judith K Rantz]

Seems like she's got some various control issues... might want to rethink this engagement.

 

[snbk]

I didn't read all the comments yet, but I do want to make something clear.

I did tell her that I wanted to have sex, but I wanted to take a shower first. She said, "why? I don't smell you. Are you saying you want me to take a shower too?"

If I said yes to us both showering, I knew she wouldn't want to have sex anymore. Her horniness comes and goes in a flash. I have to catch it when I can.

It was in the morning.... so she was kinda out of it anyway...

she is insecure, manipulative and neurotic.
it used to probably seem as if that was a cute combination, until she made you late for work,which is some Hollywood romantic comedy crap.
its no fun to be late for work to have sex when you don't want to.
at that point its annoying.

there is no reason to have to sit another adult down to have a conversation about how what they're doing is affecting you.

i know exactly when i'm annoying the crap out of someone.
i know how to do it when to do it and how it will affect them.

stop making excuses for her.
if she cries the next time you tell her no then trust me,
its going to be a very long cold winter for you.