Money

[rope9839]

Have you ever dated a man based on how much money he apparently (or reportedly) had. Wondering if this happens much because you hear a lot of "If you don't have X, you better have money to make for it."

Might be a weird question or even one that some may not want to answer, but it might be interesting information.

For what it is worth, I dated a widow for a short period of time that was supposed to be worth over $20 million. While it was clear from the start there wasn't amazing chemistry, I had more than a few thoughts of making a go at it. It kind of petered our, rather than breaking up, so that wasn't really a decision I faced.

 

[EllieP]

I've already posted this a few times before, but I was dating a musician and it was getting very serious. But I had to wonder if I could support my daughter, myself and a musician. I had decided that I loved him so much that I was willing to become the breadwinner, but he was going to have to be serious about his music to bring in what he could.

So, kind of opposite of what you're asking, but it worked out just fine.

 

[rope9839]

I've already posted this a few times before, but I was dating a musician and it was getting very serious. But I had to wonder if I could support my daughter, myself and a musician. I had decided that I loved him so much that I was willing to become the breadwinner, but he was going to have to be serious about his music to bring in what he could.

So, kind of opposite of what you're asking, but it worked out just fine.

The more you post, the more I know what sort of woman I should be looking for.

 

[rope9839]

I've already posted this a few times before, but I was dating a musician and it was getting very serious. But I had to wonder if I could support my daughter, myself and a musician. I had decided that I loved him so much that I was willing to become the breadwinner, but he was going to have to be serious about his music to bring in what he could.

So, kind of opposite of what you're asking, but it worked out just fine.

I'd say this about being a musician, too. When I left education, my job was as a gigging musician. I played over 120 paid gigs one year, a couple with crowds bordering 5,000. My ex wife went to court to try and get custody back of our kids (I always had full custody). Her claim was I did not have a job. I made as much as $75 an hour - which is not chicken feed. I was worried for a minute that the judge would go that route. It is brave to be a musician, especially since most people don't think of it as something you can treat like a real job.

Someone has to make the music. Glad you did your part.

 

[EllieP]

OK, full disclosure here. I thought he was a struggling musician. I knew who he was, but not real well. I didn't know a lot about musicians then.

He laughed when I told him that I wanted to make this work and what my intentions were about being the breadwinner. He receives royalties from songs he's written and had recorded by much bigger stars. I felt like a schmuck, but he said I was exactly what he was looking for. I still feel silly when I think about it, but like I said, it all worked out.

 

[693987]

Have you ever dated a man based on how much money he apparently (or reportedly) had. Wondering if this happens much because you hear a lot of "If you don't have X, you better have money to make for it."

No. No no no no no no. I expect a person to be able to take care of their finances like a grown ass adult, but otherwise, no. If someone chooses to do this, and it's blunt/honest on both individuals part, cool. For myself? No. Never.

 

[LaFemme]

I wish I was the kind of woman who could go for a guy with money, but my past experiences with men say 'no'. I just couldn't bring myself to date guys for the sake of money, no matter how much they wanted me. I just couldn't do it. I have to be all in.

Like Fade, I'd like to date a grown up who can look after his own financial need - I don't want to have to look after someone; I don't need someone to look after me. Once you're in a committed relationship, should one person become ill, have some set-backs, then sharing the burden is just something that happens - it's what family does. My partner becomes my family and family is everything to me.

 

[rope9839]

Here is another thing that might be a little subjective and by no means a rule. My grandfather used to say "try to date a woman with the same level of education as you." This didn't just portend for better conversation, you find that you might have more in common - including the kind of friends you attract the the kind of fun you like to have.

I have seen a few instances where a man of significant means tries to do the Pygmalion thing and convert a generally crude woman into a "lady" based on her value as arm candy. She was, in each instance, looking mainly for the security of money. Can't say that I saw these working very smoothly, even if some went on for some time.

Money doesn't equal success, at least to me. It is nice if couples can share their definition of success and achieve it together.

(Darn, I am not answering my own question, am I?)

 

[TinyPrincess]

I would never date a man based on money - no way - not even if I didn't have any myself. Poor or rich makes no difference.

 

[918177]

Hell no! My job, my money, my house, my car. All too often the bread winner uses money as a means of controlling the unmoneyed partner. Fuck that shit.

 

[AlteredEgo]

I had a discussion with a man about what our relationship could become. He told me he wanted to marry me. He was successful and had both money and status because of his position. In exchange for my hand he offered me a large condo by the river, and a restaurant of my own. He demonstrated the means to make this happen. To ensure I understood he was serious, he offered a trip to Paris and said we could discuss it further there. We went to Paris. Ultimately I felt that the differences in our ages and and finances, social standing meant I would feel bought and paid for. Indeed he treated me like a prize, which was flattering. However while I did love him, and believed he genuinely loved me too, I just couldn't shake the feeling that what he wanted after having been married to a woman who was controlling and mean, was someone he could possess, and control. He was always very sweet and supportive, but his money seemed like an obstacle rather than an attraction.

 

[rope9839]

I had a discussion with a man about what our relationship could become. He told me he wanted to marry me. He was successful and had both money and status because of his position. In exchange for my hand he offered me a large condo by the river, and a restaurant of my own. He demonstrated the means to make this happen. To ensure I understood he was serious, he offered a trip to Paris and said we could discuss it further there. We went to Paris. Ultimately I felt that the differences in our ages and and finances, social standing meant I would feel bought and paid for. Indeed he treated me like a prize, which was flattering. However while I did love him, and believed he genuinely loved me too, I just couldn't shake the feeling that what he wanted after having been married to a woman who was controlling and mean, was someone he could possess, and control. He was always very sweet and supportive, but his money seemed like an obstacle rather than an attraction.

This is an interesting take.

I think "I will give up everything to be with you" would be much more enticing than "I will give you these things if you will be with me."

 

[EllieP]

We had a discussion about debts and spending habits, etc. like all good couples should always do before they marry. I told him about a couple of credit cards and a small student loan I had. He said no problem and he would take care of them.

I became angry and told him to leave my shit alone. I'm a big girl. I made the debt, and I'll take care of it too.

He did start me off in my business, but I've paid him back with interest. We have a set percentage that we're responsible for our home expenses. He takes care of utilities, taxes, and food. I redecorate! Oh, but we're both responsible for our own cars. He bought my Volvo, but I bought my own car this time.

 

[rope9839]

I take a lot of crap for it from my friends, but I usually don't pay for much early in a relationship. Obviously, there are situations where the old fashioned gender roles need to kick in, but I have decided that relationships that start with me buying a bunch of stuff are probably not starting on a solid footing.

I've also found that I kind of like the type of woman who will say "Let me get it," especially on a first date. Assertive chicks suit my style. Independence > Dependence.

I think the answers clearly line up on the "No, I am not going to go for the dough." The more questions like this that get asked, it becomes clear that men are not just viewed as a list of attributes, sorted in order of priority. (Flaws on the other hand are cataloged and subjected to an improvement plan.) There might be qualities - behaviors - that are attractive, but generally not things. There is no one thing that accounts for attraction and, it would seem, most of the time it is not in the same areas that men tend to "compete" with each other. (Penises. Money. Penises. Social Status. Penises.)

 

[Tattooed Goddess]

Chemistry can't be bought.

 

[Scarletbegonia]

My rule is asker pays, and I typically don't ask for the first date.
I was raised in a family where schemeing to pay the check was a sport. Only one we had.
I've paid checks out from under dates many a time.

Would I date based on income or assumptions of income? Nope.
Would I date someone with a significantly large income? I have.
I won't date someone without an income, for sure.

 

[TinyPrincess]

Strange, why not date someone without an income - makes no sense to me. Whether you're unemployed or not doesn't affect who you are as a person. I would never turn a date down just because the date was without an income. It's not the size of the wallet....

 

[693987]

Strange, why not date someone without an income - makes no sense to me. Whether you're unemployed or not doesn't affect who you are as a person. I would never turn a date down just because the date was without an income. It's not the size of the wallet....

Because I've supported someone for two years nearly who couldn't keep a job. My single income wasn't enough to support two people. Just paying my rent every month in the city I lived in at the time took everything I had. Utilities and food meant going deeper into debt every single month.

 

[rope9839]

My rule is asker pays, and I typically don't ask for the first date.
I was raised in a family where schemeing to pay the check was a sport. Only one we had.
I've paid checks out from under dates many a time.

Would I date based on income or assumptions of income? Nope.
Would I date someone with a significantly large income? I have.
I won't date someone without an income, for sure.

So you wouldn't date someone just because they have a huge income, but might turn someone down because they had a really small one? Sounds vaguely familiar.

 

[EllieP]

At one point in my life I was tempted to date a rich man. Had a target in mind, too. Wealthy family. Except I really didn't like him as a human being, and I felt absolutely horrible for even thinking about it.

Ever get in a point in life when you feel that your options are so limited that you would sell your soul to get a break? Yeah, it was like that. I've learned a lot from that situation. Don't accept that fate. Make another option, but don't choose the obvious devil.