It’s very one sided. I suppose it’s always been. I don’t get anything out of the friendship anymore. I used to at least have a friend I could talk to, but even that’s gone away since he knocked up his 19 year old girlfriend, had a shotgun wedding, and then a baby. He’ll only reach out to me now if he needs anything. So I don’t even know what I still consider him my best friend for. He hasn’t been there when I’ve needed him, yet I somehow drop everything if he needs me. But that’s the way I am. People pleaser extraordinare. And no, I don’t hold any secret fantasy that he’ll eventually realize how much I mean to him and blah blah. It’s not like that. Yeah, I spend a lot of time talking about it in therapy.
My straight best friend
- Thread starter PorknBeans19
- Start date
It’s very one sided. I suppose it’s always been. I don’t get anything out of the friendship anymore. I used to at least have a friend I could talk to, but even that’s gone away since he knocked up his 19 year old girlfriend, had a shotgun wedding, and then a baby. He’ll only reach out to me now if he needs anything. So I don’t even know what I still consider him my best friend for. He hasn’t been there when I’ve needed him, yet I somehow drop everything if he needs me. But that’s the way I am. People pleaser extraordinare. And no, I don’t hold any secret fantasy that he’ll eventually realize how much I mean to him and blah blah. It’s not like that. Yeah, I spend a lot of time talking about it in therapy.
He IS a braggart, but only to me. He honestly is very shy, humble, self hating, zero self esteem, tons of insecurities type of guy. Which I never would have guessed in a million years because he’s extremely good looking, great body, rich family, natural athlete and musician. I had assumed he was an arrogant asshole who I would have zero in common with and could never be friends with. And somehow it just worked for many years. He really did open my eyes to people who on the surface who seem to have everything, and what they feel about themselves.
More than some. He used to use me as his therapist.It sounds like he could use some therapy.
Lol that doesn't sound like a bff either btw. Why has our standards of friends and bffs been lowered? Our acceptance of people in our life that don't truly accept us as a person is unreal. You may need a second bff. One to do "straight" guy things with, no gay shit, and another for when you need advice on your love life, being a shoulder to cry on after a break up, you know, gay shit lol aka your life. I hope he just don't make you feel like a lesser person just bc you are bi. I'll beat him up for you if he does haha.
@PorknBeans19 -
I see this a bit differently. Maybe it's your own discomfort of talking about your relationships as a non-issue that makes him uncomfortable. Human relationship and feeling is a two-way street - your own discomfort would quickly be mirrored by the other side...
Another hypothesis - I'm openly gay to my best straight friends, but I still feel highly comfortable (guess that shows) when they talk about oral sex and eating clams... Maybe your friend is just like me!
Does that make me a heterophobe??
As you live in Ireland where "gay" bars tend to be pretty inclusive (i.e. with lots of straight patrons), have you ever taken him to one of these venues just to see how he behaves? Clues on what's really in his mind aside, that may also help him with his transition, that the guy-with-guy idea is indeed a non-issue.
Let's just hope that you don't have at hand a case of struggling bi coming to terms with his own frustrated feeling to deal with...
He's straight. He's admitted his discomfort with the subjects. But he's said he's trying to do better.@PorknBeans19 -
I see this a bit differently. Maybe it's your own discomfort of talking about your relationships as a non-issue that makes him uncomfortable. Human relationship and feeling is a two-way street - your own discomfort would quickly be mirrored by the other side...
Another hypothesis - I'm openly gay to my best straight friends, but I still feel highly comfortable (guess that shows) when they talk about oral sex and eating clams... Maybe your friend is just like me!
Does that make me a heterophobe??
As you live in Ireland where "gay" bars tend to be pretty inclusive (i.e. with lots of straight patrons), have you ever taken him to one of these venues just to see how he behaves? Clues on what's really in his mind aside, that may also help him with his transition, that the guy-with-guy idea is indeed a non-issue.
Let's just hope that you don't have at hand a case of struggling bi coming to terms with his own frustrated feeling to deal with...
It’s really sad that I still refer to him as my BFF despite him barely treating me as an acquaintance now. Nothing happened between us, he just got a new girl friend and had a baby. I get both those things take the majority of time he has. But he can post shit on Snapchat all day but can’t return a text to me for weeks.
And this actually does make me feel like less of a person. Because then I relive all my conversations and actions, figure that I must be at fault for everything. I never tell him when he hurts me. I shoulder the blame even when I am not at fault. I’ve been there at the drop of a hat every time he’s needed me. The breakup of his marriage, his alcoholism relapse, his sobriety, numerous girl friend breakups, etc. He has only been there for me once. When I lost my job of 18 years due to the pandemic, he was too tired to hang out with me just for a few hours to keep my mind off it. Sadly, if he were to need me now, I’d drop everything. “Never swim an ocean for someone who wouldn’t step over a puddle for you.”
Im trying to let it go, but it’s hard with no closure. So yeah, beat him up! And I’d love to find new friends, but at 42, fat, and balding… it’s not as easy.
Personally I would rather be alone than put up with the shit this guy has put you through. I know it’s not easy but put yourself out there to make new friends. Maybe volunteer with an organization or something such as the humane society. Just a thought.
Honestly, the real issue at hand is the expectations I place on him that he can’t possibly live up to. I treat people how I want to be treated, but sometimes you need to treat people how they treat you. I did call him today on my way home from work, and shockingly he did answer and we talked for 15 minutes. He was on the way to drop his son off at his in-laws so he and the wife could have date night. It was nice to chat and at least get a sense that everything is cool between us for the most part.
Volunteering isn’t a bad idea, but I don’t really know what else to do. Bars aren’t an option. I’m not a church going person. It seems most single people stuff takes place on the other side of the city, where I don’t spend time (nor do I want to drive an hour to spend time in Dallas).
We became friends just before the pandemic started, and we were all each other hung out with for 6 months straight. Every day, and all day and night on weekends. When things changed, it was a rough transition for me, as he went on to have new family, friends, etc thru his girlfriend, and I went to having nothing every day. I’ve never quite got past wanting to go back to that, just being honest. The funny part? I tried really, really hard to not develop a close friendship with him. He’s 15 years younger, amazing body, wildly attractive. I was afraid I was gonna fall for him. It never happened in that romantic sense, thankfully. He just became the little brother I never had, and that was the nature of our friendship, and really still is. Just brothers who don’t see or talk to each other much. Do I think he still loves me as a brother? Yep. Do I think he knows how to manage his time / obligations? Not by a long shot. He takes the path of least resistance (and the one that provides him sex) and knows it’s easier to put everything with our friendship on the back burner in order to keep the now wife happy. Does it hurt? Yeah. Is it life? Yeah. Will I be there for him if things go south? Almost assuredly. Despite me being 15 years older, he’s been a mentor and spiritual advisor on a number of things. Does he know I am not straight? We haven’t ever discussed it, but his ex-gf told him I was bi. (She used to be one of my best friends until I introduced them, now we don’t talk.) Is he Ok with it? Not really, but he wouldn’t disown me because of it. One time where we kinda talked about it, he said he’d love me no matter what and just wanted me to be honest. But he also believes it’s a choice, and there is no explaining it to him. His southern Baptist upbringing, private religious secondary and college education, and his conservative upbringing in a life of privilege may have some unconscious biases.
"Trying" and "doing" are two completely different things. There's no effort if it's just all words and no action. Sometimes, people say they are trying to do better just to deceive others to getting them off their backs. The issue just seems to be that he's 15 years younger and finally starting his life with a wife and child. That alone is a big heardle in life. Try to remember where you were 15 years ago at his age. Your priorities were most likely different back then compared to meow. If I was in my late 20s with a partner and child, I for sure would be too busy to go back to my bachelor life of gaming and hanging out all the time with friends. He has a family to take care of and yes, he should put them first but that doesn't mean he gets to take advantage of your friendship thinking you will always be there for him. He just has to be honest and say he doesn't have time like he use to now. Planning a lunch once a month shouldn't be impossible for you guys or to have a few drinks and hang out dt. I know it sucks but we all lose friendships just because people get married or move away for school. Don't cling too much onto this guy and try to move on to make more friends. It's never easy but you know that you are on the back burner with this current friend. Join an activity you like in hopes you meet people with similar interested. Hell, you can make friends online by gaming lol and being nerdy.
That’s the thing though. I am a total realist. This isn’t my first rodeo of a friend getting married and having kids and moving on. I told him that from the get go. Life was changing, and it was OK. It is just part of things. I haven’t given him one ounce of crap or guilt. I bottle it up and kvetch here.
What bothers me, though, is her friends are totally open season for them to hang out with. His one friend, no. The baby is three months old and despite promises that I was gonna be so important in the babies life as uncle, I still have not been invited to meet the kiddo. When I ask, he ignores the question to avoid conflict. It’s all just weird. But you are right. Setting aside an hour a month shouldn’t be tough. He’s about to start his busy season at work, and even when he was single I didn’t see him for months during it. So that weighs on me a bit too. Lol and I wish I gamed. I don’t really have a hobby. Travel, but that is not really happening right now due to other circumstances.Weird part is that 15 years ago my priorities were what they are now. Be the best friend, son, brother, uncle, whatever I can.
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