Need Advice: Lonely

Snieber

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Okay, let's start with I'm gay and my best friend is straight. Let's call him Sam to make it easy. So I just moved to a new city to live closer to Sam. He has been my best friend since childhood and is one of those guys who is amazingly hot but doesn't think he is even though women are always talking about it. And, he has the most perfect dick. I know this because, even though he's "straight," I've been giving him head for the last 10 years. So it's fun that we're now neighbors.

I almost never see him since I moved into town. He works odd hours, so by the time he gets off work he's usually too tired to do anything except eat dinner and go to bed. And I don't mean hang out like pull his pants down, cuz Sam usually stops by on his way to work for that. I'm talkin about actually hanging out like we used to, whether it's just to kick back with a beer and watch TV, share a meal, or go out to do something fun. Which you know, is all fine and good cuz he has a life that makes him happy so I'm happy for him.

The problem? I don't know anyone else here and, aside from when Sam stops by in the morning, it's starting to feel really lonely. I've tried going out to the bars, downloading apps, joining meetup groups, etc. I just seem to get ignored by, well, pretty much everyone. Which is a strange feeling, because where I lived before everyone seemed to think I had a giant "HELP DESK" sign above my head at all times. No matter where I went, inadvertantly 47 people would come up to me out of nowhere. As annoying as it was sometimes, I made a lot of friends that way. But here, nobody even wants to acknowledge my existence much less strike up a conversation.

It's actually gotten to the point where I've projected the frustration I feel about it onto Sam. I'm grateful he didn't get angry about it--I think any other guy would have--but I think we both just recognized it as projection. He tries to console me by reminding me that it takes time, and that I'll get there eventually. Which I'm sure is true, but in the meantime he's got other friends in the city whom I'd love to meet. I just don't have an opportunity to because there's no opportunity to introduce us. And since every effort I make to try to make new friends amounts to absolutely nothing, it's starting to make me feel worthless. I just recently turned to an MMO that I stopped playing 7 years ago, just to have some kind of social interaction, but logging on just reminds me that I quit because the relationships on an MMO aren't real.

Any advice y'all have would be great, whether it's ways to make new friends, ways to feel more comfortable alone, etc.
 
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manplezrks

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I'm curious as to why he hasn't introduced you to his local friends. Do you think he wants to keep you a secret? What does he say to you when he stops by every morning for your service? Is there a local charity or group you care about where you could volunteer some time to have socialization?
 
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Snieber

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I'm curious as to why he hasn't introduced you to his local friends. Do you think he wants to keep you a secret? What does he say to you when he stops by every morning for your service? Is there a local charity or group you care about where you could volunteer some time to have socialization?

Thanks for the reply. Yes, I was thinking about volunteering for a shelter that's just around the corner. The problem is that they want a year commitment, but next year my schedule won't be as open (hopefully).

No, I don't think he's keeping me a secret. I think he's just busy and doesn't have a lot of time to hang out, even with his other friends. He works 6 days a week, and like I said odd hours. It's not like he's partying it up with everyone else on his day off, that's the only day a week he's got to do yardwork, laundry, get haircuts, buy groceries, take girls on dates, etc. It's not like he stops by and tells me about how wasted he got at a buddy's house while I'm servicing him, we usually just talk about normal stuff. You know like the way he'd modify his car to make it faster if he had the money, something funny he remembers from our past, or something that really pissed him off the day before.

Sam wasn't always this busy, he used to have more free time but he started a new job last year before I moved out so his schedule changed. If I wanted to I could join his morning workouts to spend more time with him. But, really that isn't the problem, it would just be a way to curb the frustration of not knowing anyone else.
 
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I was one of those guys that moved to a big city and didn’t have friends. I wouldn’t rely on Sam. People are at different stages in their life and it’s quite possible he’s just busy and you’re fortunate enough to still give him head in the morning if I’m not mistaken.

Something that helped me made friends were my workplace, school, attending local events, being apart of organizations of your interest, gym or sports clubs, and being a part of church (if you’re religious.)
 
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Okay, let's start with I'm gay and my best friend is straight. Let's call him Sam to make it easy. So I just moved to a new city to live closer to Sam. He has been my best friend since childhood and is one of those guys who is amazingly hot but doesn't think he is even though women are always talking about it. And, he has the most perfect dick. I know this because, even though he's "straight," I've been giving him head for the last 10 years. So it's fun that we're now neighbors.

I almost never see him since I moved into town. He works odd hours, so by the time he gets off work he's usually too tired to do anything except eat dinner and go to bed. And I don't mean hang out like pull his pants down, cuz Sam usually stops by on his way to work for that. I'm talkin about actually hanging out like we used to, whether it's just to kick back with a beer and watch TV, share a meal, or go out to do something fun. Which you know, is all fine and good cuz he has a life that makes him happy so I'm happy for him.

The problem? I don't know anyone else here and, aside from when Sam stops by in the morning, it's starting to feel really lonely. I've tried going out to the bars, downloading apps, joining meetup groups, etc. I just seem to get ignored by, well, pretty much everyone. Which is a strange feeling, because where I lived before everyone seemed to think I had a giant "HELP DESK" sign above my head at all times. No matter where I went, inadvertantly 47 people would come up to me out of nowhere. As annoying as it was sometimes, I made a lot of friends that way. But here, nobody even wants to acknowledge my existence much less strike up a conversation.

It's actually gotten to the point where I've projected the frustration I feel about it onto Sam. I'm grateful he didn't get angry about it--I think any other guy would have--but I think we both just recognized it as projection. He tries to console me by reminding me that it takes time, and that I'll get there eventually. Which I'm sure is true, but in the meantime he's got other friends in the city whom I'd love to meet. I just don't have an opportunity to because there's no opportunity to introduce us. And since every effort I make to try to make new friends amounts to absolutely nothing, it's starting to make me feel worthless. I just recently turned to an MMO that I stopped playing 7 years ago, just to have some kind of social interaction, but logging on just reminds me that I quit because the relationships on an MMO aren't real.

Any advice y'all have would be great, whether it's ways to make new friends, ways to feel more comfortable alone, etc.
Hmmm... based solely on this as I have never met him in my life... he’s a using prick. You don’t do friends stuff because you are not friends anymore. He is using you as a free prostitute. He is toxic and you need rid. Clean break.
 

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I was one of those guys that moved to a big city and didn’t have friends. I wouldn’t rely on Sam. People are at different stages in their life and it’s quite possible he’s just busy and you’re fortunate enough to still give him head in the morning if I’m not mistaken.

Something that helped me made friends were my workplace, school, attending local events, being apart of organizations of your interest, gym or sports clubs, and being a part of church (if you’re religious.)

Thanks for the tips. Any suggestions on how to get people to not ignore me when I say, attend a local event? Cuz so far that's all that's happened.
 

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Hmmm... based solely on this as I have never met him in my life... he’s a using prick. You don’t do friends stuff because you are not friends anymore. He is using you as a free prostitute. He is toxic and you need rid. Clean break.

Thanks for the suggestion, but that is totally off base and not going to happen. We've been a part of each other's lives since we were crawling, and will continue to be a part of each other's lives until our teeth fall out. Sam isn't the problem, I am because apparently no one wants to be around me.
 

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Thanks for the suggestion, but that is totally off base and not going to happen. We've been a part of each other's lives since we were crawling, and will continue to be a part of each other's lives until our teeth fall out. Sam isn't the problem, I am because apparently no one wants to be around me.
He is actually the problem, at least from my perspective. He’s your tether to the place and he won’t let you live. He knows the place, he knows people. He won’t share them with you for fear of being outed. Friends don’t do that. He could text someone he knows with “hey! My childhood friend has just moved here, take him out for a few drinks”.... and he won’t.
 

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here's my thoughts, i do hope it helps you...

new city = new people and culture = try new things
so you just moved to a new city and that means things are most likely new and different. the best way to get used to a new city is to understand it's culture and try to bathe yourself in it. go see the sights, get into groupon events and/or classes, join some local clubs that share your interests, etc. the point is to find new friends that have similar interests but also is a native of the city wherein they can help you acclimate to the new surroundings. i find it hard to believe that you cannot find anyone.

stop giving head for him and make it for you or stop
if sam is making the effort to show up for free blowjobs then he's definitely not straight. he's at the minimum borderline closet bisexual (but that's a discussion for another day). whether or not he's using you is for you to decide and being best friends since the beginning of time doesn't make it "okay" for him to keep showing up for blowjobs and care about your feelings. now, if you're blowing him for the sake of YOURSELF and you're just doing it for you, then by all means, keep on doing it as long as he keeps showing up. just don't keep servicing him expecting some kind of reciprocation in the same manner or of anything at all. hell, i think you should just stop altogether all of a sudden and see how he behaves. if he gets pissed and shuts you out of his life then i guess that's all you are to him. try it and see...

sam...
i'm with @manplezrks, why hasn't he tried to help you get socialized with the new city and his local friends? i think he's afraid of the truth that he likes his dick being sucked by a gay guy to get out in the open so he's keeping you in the closet along with his bi-tendencies. i wonder if he's afraid to even let anyone know he has a gay friend at all. either way, something is way off here and my radar is definitely going off. even if he does work odd hours, he would still make time for you... hell, if someone was sucking my dick on a daily basis, i'd make time for them unless that's all the relationship was based on and nothing more. i don't know sam and your history with him but based on what you said, you're getting the very, very short end of the stick here.

self-evaluate, why people are ignoring you?
you say people keep ignoring you. did you even begin to wonder that perhaps it could be you? i'm not pointing blame at you at all; i simply want you to self-reflect and see why everyone keeps ignoring you. i remember a phase in my life where a lot of people would always show up in my life but then shortly thereafter would disappear. my friendships and acquaintances would only stick around about 40% of the time. it was only in my mid-late-twenties when a close buddy actually built up the nerve to tell me that i was too blunt and cold in my vocal conversations with people wherein i would have zero filter. i would say one thing which would cause people to think i was implying another and that would cause my relationships to spiral downward. i still do it to this day but i'm more careful now and it has helped a lot. my point is, maybe it's something you're doing or not doing. either way, i would encourage you to look inside before you look outside.

lastly, loneliness is very dangerous and i would encourage you to at least join a support group on this. it is very unhealthy to go long periods of time deep in loneliness. it has very detrimental self-effects if not treated and/or ignored. please don't take loneliness lightly at all.
 

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self-evaluate, why people are ignoring you?
you say people keep ignoring you. did you even begin to wonder that perhaps it could be you? i'm not pointing blame at you at all; i simply want you to self-reflect and see why everyone keeps ignoring you....my point is, maybe it's something you're doing or not doing. either way, i would encourage you to look inside before you look outside.

Thanks for all the suggestions. Out of everything that everyone has said so far, this is the one that I was already aware of and don't know what to do about. I never thought that it was everyone else, I actually already know it's me. I just don't know what it is about me that's the problem. In general I like to think I'm an approachable, genuine person who never hesitates to help people. I'm vegan but I don't lord it over others or make a big deal about it the way that I've seen a lot of vegans do. The only thing that I can think of is that if I'm trying too hard to make new friends, other people might perceive it as being desperate. And not gonna lie, it's getting pretty close to that.

A lot of the advice so far has centered around Sam, and that's probably my fault because of the way I brought it up. I know it is challenging for people to understand who don't know us, and that a lot of the times stories like this revolve around someone developing feelings that aren't reciprocated and/or not knowing how to deal. That is not the case here. He and I both know what it is that we're doing, and neither of us expects more than what it is which is both of us having fun doing something we mutually enjoy. I thought that mentioning Sam would add context to the situation, not something everyone centered on. I will say it again, he is not the problem and even if that's something y'all don't agree with it doesn't matter because we know who we are. I am the problem, and I am fully aware of that. I'm just trying to figure out what to do about it.
 

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I am the problem, and I am fully aware of that. I'm just trying to figure out what to do about it.

if you are 100% sure of this then the solution is quite simple... ask sam to accompany you to social gatherings as an observer and not a participant. someone needs to see how you interact with other people and critique what you're doing or not doing. kinda like a coach watching a player swing at a ball. you can't see yourself swing the ball so you can't see where you're swinging wrong but the coach can.

find a social gathering, bring sam along, then have him blend into the background and watch as you interact so that he may tell you what you're doing wrong. i've used this approach to help many of my male buddies in the past figure out why they have no game when it comes to dating women and it has helped them tremendously in improving their game.
 
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[...]...Sam isn't the problem, I am because apparently no one wants to be around me.
You seem like a nice enough person who could benefit from giving yourself a break and to get out and let others get to know and appreciate you for you. I fear you may be too invested and dependent on Sam. Starting in a new place takes time and loneliness is unfortunately a part of the move. Learn to exist independently and find happiness in your own company, let people get to know you, and concern yourself less with Sam’s availability. It might do him some good to see that you have a life without him even though you will always have room for him. Give yourself time to adjust. It will all work out. Good luck.
 

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if you are 100% sure of this then the solution is quite simple... ask sam to accompany you to social gatherings as an observer and not a participant. someone needs to see how you interact with other people and critique what you're doing or not doing. kinda like a coach watching a player swing at a ball. you can't see yourself swing the ball so you can't see where you're swinging wrong but the coach can.

find a social gathering, bring sam along, then have him blend into the background and watch as you interact so that he may tell you what you're doing wrong. i've used this approach to help many of my male buddies in the past figure out why they have no game when it comes to dating women and it has helped them tremendously in improving their game.

I thought about this, and I have actually asked a number of times if he wants to come out with me. Be it to dinner, or a bar, or something more adventurous like ziplining. But there are three problems. The first again going back to Sam's availability, in that he doesn't have much. If he had more free time, it wouldn't be an issue at all and he's apologized a couple of times for being so busy. If he actually had the time, I'd want it to be for something we'd both have fun doing. But I would feel guilty about asking him to drop the things he needs to get done, and/or not take a girl out (i.e. a chance to get laid haha) on his one free night just to come with me and stand in the background and watch me.

The second being, he is a really good looking guy and it's virtually impossible for him to go out and not have people (both girls and guys, even straight guys) fighting for his attention. That's not a jealousy thing, that's just a fact. Pretty much already know from years of experience that he won't observe anything constructive because he'll be too busy trying to not get overwhelmed by a horde.

The third being, it kinda defeats the purpose of trying to make friends away from Sam if I have to rely on him to come out with me.
 

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You seem like a nice enough person who could benefit from giving yourself a break and to get out and let others get to know and appreciate you for you. I fear you may be too invested and dependent on Sam. Starting in a new place takes time and loneliness is unfortunately a part of the move. Learn to exist independently and find happiness in your own company, let people get to know you, and concern yourself less with Sam’s availability. It might do him some good to see that you have a life without him even though you will always have room for him. Give yourself time to adjust. It will all work out. Good luck.

Thank you, this is definitely the kind of advice I am looking for. I do think that when I moved here I assumed that I'd get integrated into his social circle. Which is not only an example of being too invested/dependent on him, but also not working because even he doesn't have time for his own social circle right now. If you have any suggestions on how to learn to be happy in my own company, I'd love to hear them. Especially because something I fear is that the reason other people don't want to get to know me is because I'm not interesting enough of a person.

I'm also trying really hard not to let my brain stray towards thinking that people aren't motivated to talk to me because I'm not good looking enough--which I know isn't true, but that's what being lonely has done to my confidence. But it's hard not to think that when even walking into a Starbucks the guy in front of me gets the amazing customer service while I get the begrudging minimal recognition of my presence.
 
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@Snieber You need to find out who you are without him. If you feel a bit invisible at the moment it is probably because you are unwittingly putting out lonely, unhappy and needy vibes. I say needy because you are clearly not getting what you need as a human being from your current situation, and everybody has needs; it's not intended as a disparagement. It's not always possible to fake feeling fine and shiny and happy when you're not. What kind of things are you usually interested in doing in your spare time? What did you used to do before relocating?
 

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It's hard to move to a new area and know no one, or in your case, just one person who doesn't live that close. Try to keep busy and get involved - even if it's something that you feel might be lame. Maybe you can befriend a neighbor, just to fill some time.
 
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@SnieberWhat kind of things are you usually interested in doing in your spare time? What did you used to do before relocating?

I used to be very invested in my work, so a lot of the people I used to hang out with regularly were current or former coworkers. We'd often get drinks or dinner after work, not only because it was convenient but because we liked each other. I also used to be a gamer, but I decided I didn't want to be that when I moved to the new city. I used to take vegan cooking classes (fine-dining quality dishes, like good enough that even my non-vegan friends didn't mind coming over for dinner). I'm very passionate about loving dogs, and used to love taking my dog to the park (she passed away last year, getting another soon). And, without trying to make this sound too much like a personal ad, I like to do a variety of things depending on which of my friends would come with, from paint nights at the local stadium, or karaoke bars, or skydiving, or traveling to Europe.
 
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Thanks for all the suggestions. Out of everything that everyone has said so far, this is the one that I was already aware of and don't know what to do about. I never thought that it was everyone else, I actually already know it's me. I just don't know what it is about me that's the problem. In general I like to think I'm an approachable, genuine person who never hesitates to help people. I'm vegan but I don't lord it over others or make a big deal about it the way that I've seen a lot of vegans do. The only thing that I can think of is that if I'm trying too hard to make new friends, other people might perceive it as being desperate. And not gonna lie, it's getting pretty close to that.

A lot of the advice so far has centered around Sam, and that's probably my fault because of the way I brought it up. I know it is challenging for people to understand who don't know us, and that a lot of the times stories like this revolve around someone developing feelings that aren't reciprocated and/or not knowing how to deal. That is not the case here. He and I both know what it is that we're doing, and neither of us expects more than what it is which is both of us having fun doing something we mutually enjoy. I thought that mentioning Sam would add context to the situation, not something everyone centered on. I will say it again, he is not the problem and even if that's something y'all don't agree with it doesn't matter because we know who we are. I am the problem, and I am fully aware of that. I'm just trying to figure out what to do about it.
In your first post, you said this.

“I MOVED to a new city to be closer to HIM.”