Need Advice: Lonely

[Snieber]

In your first post, you said this.

“I MOVED to a new city to be closer to HIM.”

I also made it abundantly clear in my first post and subsequent posts that I am frustrated about my efforts of trying to make NEW FRIENDS ASIDE FROM HIM, not about my friendship with him. But let's be clear here, you judged our friendship and decided that my best friend is a prick that needed to be dropped from my life, based on literally no information whatsoever besides the fact that I give him head which apparently bothers you for some reason.

I'm sorry if you don't have friends who are important to you. But he is and always will be my best friend, and the feeling is mutual whether you think so or not. I'm not about to stop being friends with him based on the input of a random on the internet who knows nothing about us. Maybe I came to the wrong place to ask for help. But, if your only advice is going to be to insult my best friend, I'd appreciate if you just wouldn't respond at all.

Anyone else taking pot shots at Sam?

 

[cherryboom66]

I also made it abundantly clear in my first post and subsequent posts that I am frustrated about my efforts of trying to make NEW FRIENDS ASIDE FROM HIM, not about my friendship with him. But let's be clear here, you judged our friendship and decided that my best friend is a prick that needed to be dropped from my life, based on literally no information whatsoever besides the fact that I give him head which apparently bothers you for some reason.

I'm sorry if you don't have friends who are important to you. But he is and always will be my best friend, and the feeling is mutual whether you think so or not. I'm not about to stop being friends with him based on the input of a random on the internet who knows nothing about us. Maybe I came to the wrong place to ask for help. But, if your only advice is going to be to insult my best friend, I'd appreciate if you just wouldn't respond at all.

Anyone else taking pot shots at Sam?

@marriedasian said exactly the same thing.

 

[cherryboom66]

I also made it abundantly clear in my first post and subsequent posts that I am frustrated about my efforts of trying to make NEW FRIENDS ASIDE FROM HIM, not about my friendship with him. But let's be clear here, you judged our friendship and decided that my best friend is a prick that needed to be dropped from my life, based on literally no information whatsoever besides the fact that I give him head which apparently bothers you for some reason.

I'm sorry if you don't have friends who are important to you. But he is and always will be my best friend, and the feeling is mutual whether you think so or not. I'm not about to stop being friends with him based on the input of a random on the internet who knows nothing about us. Maybe I came to the wrong place to ask for help. But, if your only advice is going to be to insult my best friend, I'd appreciate if you just wouldn't respond at all.

Anyone else taking pot shots at Sam?

It’s called tough love and you need it. He is not your best friend, pure and simple. He is using you as a free prostitute. From what you have said, he has done nothing to warrant friendship status.

 

[cherryboom66]

He has done plenty to earn my friendship, just nothing that I'd care to share with someone like you. So dole out all the "tough love" you want honey, cuz as far as I'm concerned you're the toxic one here.

Toxic for speaking my truth and trying to help someone? And you’re not blinkered and lying to yourself?

I’ve been there. Many, many times. I’m trans, I’ve been used, I’ve been someone’s ‘secret’ over and over. In time, hopefully you will actually read the words you have spent time to pen. And you will see it for what it is.

Thanks

 

[Snieber]

@cherryboom66, No @marriedasian did not say "exactly the same thing." You need to go back and re-read the advice that he gave without that chip on your shoulder. And Sam has done plenty to earn my friendship, just nothing I'd care to share with someone like you. So dole out all the "tough love" you want honey, cuz as far as I'm concerned you're the only toxic one here.

 

[cherryboom66]

@cherryboom66, No @marriedasian did not say "exactly the same thing." You need to go back and re-read the advice that he gave without that chip on your shoulder. And Sam has done plenty to earn my friendship, just nothing I'd care to share with someone like you. So dole out all the "tough love" you want honey, cuz as far as I'm concerned you're the only toxic one here.

Take your own advice and re-read. It’s right here.

 

[Snieber]

Toxic for speaking my truth and trying to help someone? And you’re not blinkered and lying to yourself?

I’ve been there. Many, many times. I’m trans, I’ve been used, I’ve been someone’s ‘secret’ over and over. In time, hopefully you will actually read the words you have spent time to pen. And you will see it for what it is.

Thanks

Thanks for adding that perspective. I figured your attitude was because someone hurt you in the past. Thankfully it doesn't have any bearing on me at all. The next time you try to give advice, you might want to figure out how to deal with your own problems first. Have a good one.

 

[Snieber]

Take your own advice and re-read. It’s right here.

If you think what he said and what you said is "the same" it's a wonder that you think I would take friendship advice from you. But whatever, I'm done talking to you.

 

[cherryboom66]

Thanks for adding that perspective. I figured your attitude was because someone hurt you in the past. Thankfully it doesn't have any bearing on me at all. The next time you try to give advice, you might want to figure out how to deal with your own problems first. Have a good one.

Why ask for advice if you’re not willing to take it?

Your responses are coming from a place of anger, you clearly know I’m right which is why you are attacking me and projecting.

Can you let me know how my strength and self-awareness is coming across as someone who hasn’t dealt with my demons? I’m struggling to see it, as it is the opposite. Quite clearly. I don’t let men do that to me anymore, I know my self worth.

 

[cherryboom66]

If you think what he said and what you said is "the same" it's a wonder that you think I would take friendship advice from you. But whatever, I'm done talking to you.

He said he is using you. He said he is keeping you a secret. He said you are getting the very, very short end of the friendship stick.... the meaning is the same, however he is a lot more diplomatic.

 

[693987]

When friends of mine are new to my area, I introduce them to at least some my social circles. It seems very odd to me that he has not done the same for you. Even if I don't think they will have much in common, I still introduce them. Especially if they are a close friend of mine. Obviously, I don't know much of what all your friendship held in the past, but there are multiple things that seem odd in the original post. If someone is important to me, friend or otherwise, I make the time for them. You seem completely closed to the idea that there is anything odd going on though, so I won't belabor that point.

As for making new friends, sites like Meetup might be a good place to start. The convenience of accessing it online and searching online to start, but real life/offline interaction once you find a group or groups that interest you.

For being comfy on your own, I don't really have any suggestions. I'm very much an introvert. I prefer generally being left alone/in solitude.

 

[Snieber]

When friends of mine are new to my area, I introduce them to at least some my social circles. It seems very odd to me that he has not done the same for you. Even if I don't think they will have much in common, I still introduce them. Especially if they are a close friend of mine. Obviously, I don't know much of what all your friendship held in the past, but there are multiple things that seem odd in the original post. If someone is important to me, friend or otherwise, I make the time for them. You seem completely closed to the idea that there is anything odd going on though, so I won't belabor that point.

As for making new friends, sites like Meetup might be a good place to start. The convenience of accessing it online and searching online to start, but real life/offline interaction once you find a group or groups that interest you.

For being comfy on your own, I don't really have any suggestions. I'm very much an introvert. I prefer generally being left alone/in solitude.

Thank you for not making your advice all about Sam. Yes, I have tried using Meetup and gone to a few events, but so far nothing good has come out of them--just a lot of drinking, bad food, and uncomfortable conversation topics. Will continue to keep trying, and probably expand to broader interests based on what some folks have suggested. I also used to think of myself as more of an introvert, but I've learned only the last couple of months that without social interaction my brain goes a bit loopy.

 

[Snieber]

Also, the reason why a few of you have commented on some things seeming "off" is because I'm not giving everyone all the details, like why hanging out with my other friends isn't an option anymore, or where I moved from. And because I haven't given those details, our brains naturally try to fill in the gaps with our previous experiences. So please, if there is something you'd like to know because you want to provide realistic input, ask.

 

[693987]

Thank you for not making your advice all about Sam. Yes, I have tried using Meetup and gone to a few events, but so far nothing good has come out of them--just a lot of drinking, bad food, and uncomfortable conversation topics. Will continue to keep trying, and probably expand to broader interests based on what some folks have suggested. I also used to think of myself as more of an introvert, but I've learned only the last couple of months that without social interaction my brain goes a bit loopy.

Strange as it might seem, one of my good friends used Craigslist to find a friend after moving. This was years ago, but the woman she met is one of her best friends at this point. I think Craigslist removed their personal ads though? And I'm not sure how much harder it might be for a man to find a friend through something like that, as opposed to a woman.

 

[marriedasian]

The second being, he is a really good looking guy and it's virtually impossible for him to go out and not have people (both girls and guys, even straight guys) fighting for his attention. That's not a jealousy thing, that's just a fact. Pretty much already know from years of experience that he won't observe anything constructive because he'll be too busy trying to not get overwhelmed by a horde.

The third being, it kinda defeats the purpose of trying to make friends away from Sam if I have to rely on him to come out with me.

if this is true about sam then he SHOULD go out with you cause then he can do half the work for you by attracting people. it will give you the opportunity to practice your game of meeting people and since sam will be right there, he can critique what your doing or not doing.

i've done this plenty of times for my buddies who are nervous about meeting girls. girls would flock to me (or i would go gather a few and bring them back) because i'm more fun and flamboyant but i would always keep my buddy close to me and when i introduced myself to the girls, i would also introduce him as well. if he was standing there too quiet, i would pull him into the conversation. i would bring up subjects that he could join in on. i would compliment him in front of the girls so they would start interacting with him. if one of the girls had something in common with my buddy, i would announce that. basically, i was his wingman/coach at the same time always throwing girls his way to force him to practice but never leaving his side. it's always worked just about every time.

also, him coming out with you shouldn't become a reliance. you only need him a few times to help you out then you can go on your own, it's not a forever thing. you will probably start making new friends in the process and then start hanging out with those new friends without sam.

the point is, you need someone to see what you're doing. how you're coming off as person may be turning people off and there's no way to know unless someone can watch you or you can be self-aware enough to watch yourself.

lastly, you never mentioned but have you looked into the gay community in your new city to see if you can make any friends there?

 

[950483]

Also, the reason why a few of you have commented on some things seeming "off" is because I'm not giving everyone all the details, like why hanging out with my other friends isn't an option anymore, or where I moved from. And because I haven't given those details, our brains naturally try to fill in the gaps with our previous experiences. So please, if there is something you'd like to know because you want to provide realistic input, ask.

I don't know how old you are, but sadly in life people often drift apart from childhood friends. People change and things change, and sometimes you just have less and less in common.

For whatever reason the current situation is negatively affecting you and is undermining your self-confidence and self-esteem. I'm sure you have your reasons for such fierce loyalty to your friend, but your first priority needs to be your own well-being. If things aren't feeling right it's because they're not right. Engage in activities that make you feel good about yourself. Spend time with people who make you feel good about yourself. Everything else will fall into perspective in time.

You sound like you know how to socialize and do stuff. Pick a couple of regular activities and over the next year you will establish new friendships. Put the time and effort into your life. Keep seeing Sam if you want to, but NEVER cancel your plans to do so. You are just not a priority in his life and the time and energy you invest into the friendship needs to be proportionate.

Who is sucking your dick? - Worry about that.

 

[LaFemme]

I know you don’t want to hear anything against Sam, so let’s just leave him aside.

My niece is queer, and moved to a large city alone. Now maybe women are different than men, but the first thing she did was seek out her community. It wasn’t long before she met a whole bunch of other young women to go go out with, clubbing, out for dinner and all sorts of things. Her social life is pretty full.

I guess all she did was look online for LGBTQ+ events and focused on those geared to lesbians. Or activism. Then she just went. Like she said, “we’re all used to being outsiders at one time or another” so she was fine going alone.

Find your people. Get out. Sucking your bestie’s cock in the am isn't going to do you any favours in the long term. Anyway, just an idea.

 

[MisterB]

Also, the reason why a few of you have commented on some things seeming "off" is because I'm not giving everyone all the details, like why hanging out with my other friends isn't an option anymore, or where I moved from. And because I haven't given those details, our brains naturally try to fill in the gaps with our previous experiences. So please, if there is something you'd like to know because you want to provide realistic input, ask.

And perhaps this is why you are getting a lot of the feedback you've been getting. Folks can only respond to the amount of information presented by a poster seeking advice and guidance on a particular situation as presented by said poster.

I have found over my long life that when I do something solely for someone else rather than for them AND myself, I was always miserable. And unhappy. And I speak from a place of experience. I was in a similar situation to what you describe.

I moved across country when I was 21. For a guy. Who knew I was in love with him. And I found myself in a very similar situation to what you face now. No friends. No job. No effort by my paramour to introduce me around and help me become part of the community. I was lonely. I was miserable.

And 11 weeks later, I hauled my sorry ass back from whence I'd come. Because I realized I'm not a masochist; I don't do one-sided relationships. I was okay as a fuck buddy, but not as a life-partner. I was misled. I was young. And naive. And thought he'd come around to love me back. He didn't. *Smacks self in forehead again!*

Because I'm a better person than allowing someone to manipulate me with one-sided emotions in what I mistakenly thought was a bonafide relationship.

Like you said, you've been selective on the information you've provided. I think the advice and opinions you've received so far are commensurate with what information you have provided in this thread.

Regardless, I wish you well on this part of your life's journey. I hope it works out for you!

 

[drainedmt]

In my twenties I moved several times to major cities.

I found it easy to make friends via roommates and work, but it was otherwise pretty daunting.

Over the years, I've found that it just takes time.

You can't expect to go to an event or meetup and hit it off right off the bat the very first time -- even if they are promoted as social settings. People are naturally wary. If you're too reserved you might come across shy. If you're too enthusiastic you might come across desperate.

The key is to find a place or two and go hangout there. If it's a coffeeshop, get to know the baristas and regulars.

I go to a local spa where it's probably 70% straight and 30% gay. Sure, some guys are there to hook up. I am usually not their type. Some guys are straight so I am definitely not their type. But I have made many friends there over time talking about neutral things like travel, restaurants, gyms, etc. I've made work connections there. One guy, a restauranteur, offered up his place at a discount for my birthday. I even talk to the staff.

Being nice costs NOTHING yet can be so rewarding. Good luck.

 

[knobwaxer]

I kinda agree with cherryboom66.
Best advice someone gave me was,

Never make someone a priority who considers YOU an option.

I find moments like this are lifes way of letting us fall in love with ourselves. Learn 2 be alone for a while and do things that make YOU happy. Find a healthy hobby, restore a classic car, volunteer, hell join a bridge club if you must but please stop depending on others 2 bring you satisfaction.
But I'd say your first misstep was getting 2 clingy and close 2 your friend. He's 2 polite/loyal 2 up tell you 2 back off. Absence makes the heart fonder dude.
No shade, just tuff luv man.