Open relationships

[erpap]

When I was clubbing in the day I met a couple who had an open relationship. They would go to the bars and meet others, go home with them ect. And some times they would go together with someone. Well the cutier of the of the two meet someone and left his partner of 7 years! The other one was very hurt! I think it has different outcomes for different people!

 

[TexanStar]

Can they really work ? If yes for how long ? Or are they a recipe for disaster down the line

They can work just fine. But that doesn't mean they're for everyone.

 

[918177]

I had open relationships with either 3 or 5 men who had their own time allotted to them.

Honesty, communication and absolute ironclad boundaries was key...and a shit ton of stamina on my part.

3 was perfect. 5 was hectic.

They overstepped known, stated boundaries or took liberties and they were out.
No warnings or second chances.
GONE and DONE.

I've grown out of the lifestyle and I just can't be bothered anymore.

 

[ItsAll4Kim]

Thank You for the advice. We have talked and things are moving slowly in the right direction. I realize now that I do not want an Open Relationship. We have been through a lot of stuff during our 20 years together. Most relationship would not survive from all that we have endured. All I want is him....

You have a great and rare thing. I feel your pain here.... I would be reluctant to even broach the subject, as that alone could be extremely hurtful for your partner. It's great that you're talking about this.

 

[freeballininnyc]

What are you calling bullshit on?

For you, it probably is best if you don't try an open relationship.

LOL.

 

[Anton565]

My partner knows he's Number 1 in my life. He doesn't care what I do as long as he knows that if he calls, I come running. And he's totally free to do whatever he wants when I'm tied up with work. He's been very clear that to his mind love & intimacy function independently of sex-for-fun.

Example: Suppose I'm in bed with a FB and he texts to tell me his parents (in their 80's) are stranded somewhere. As long as I haul my ass out of bed IMMEDIATELY to get to my car to go pick them up there's no problem. But if I were to hem and haw? There'd be hell to pay!!!

I should add that my FB's and FWB's are all actual friends as well. We also do things that don't involve sex. Yes, we have sex, but it's not the main reason we spend time together. That might be why it works.

I'm also very careful to never give my partner a reason to suspect he's not Number 1.

 

[852838]

I will be honest and say that I don't really get it. I've never had any relationship that was significant to last beyond a few months, including one I ended because he wanted to be able to fool around with other people.

I did fool around with a guy a few times who claimed to be in an open relationship. We both noticed each other and he was very smart and handsome. He had a partner of several years who he said was okay with it. This man and I hung out a few weeks and had sex a few times. I met the partner and went to their house a couple of times. I began to realize the guy I was sleeping with just didn't want to limit himself sexually to one person while the other guy hadn't fooled around or even flirted with anyone in years but kept up the relationship out of fear of being alone. It wasn't the healthiest thing so I just bailed. They were nice enough but the whole thing felt weird.

I know a guy (not well) who is married and his wife knows he has sex with other men but puts up with it and says as long as he is safe and honest she doesn't mind. I'm just not that open minded.

 

[KennF]

It really takes an understanding that sex is not the same as intimacy and you can have intimacy completely separate from sex.

If you are ok with your partner going for a massage, or a pedicure, or a workout at the gym, or with them masturbating, then sex with others can be the same thing... a physical enjoyment. For a lot of people, they can't do that.

 

[stustu]

Very interesting thread. The comments about open relationships make a lot of sense, especially
detailing trust - honesty - boundaries etc.
In my youth, closed relationships were important because of this new disease called HIV/AIDS.
When my partner of 10 years cheated I was hurt and confused.
Then I spent 10 years with safe practices and was not looking for anything but open/casual friends
with benefits.
Lets face it - no matter what your situation or choices, please be honest, truthful, set realistic boundaries,
and communicate when things do not work or need to change.
Now I have returned to my comfort level - partnered and married (thank you Obama) celebrating 18
years together - neither of us interested in open relationship.
(p.s. at our age - a beautiful dinner and movie are somethings better than a night rolling in bed).

 

[XXXWolverineXXX]

Doesn't this dehumanize them in a way.? To be treated like toys.

Maybe but for use that’s what they are just fun sex toys for us to play with and then we go about our life together.

 

[KennF]

(p.s. at our age - a beautiful dinner and movie are somethings better than a night rolling in bed).

In another 18 years, a night spent rolling in the bed will get met with an elbow saying "stop waking me up".

 

[KennF]

Doesn't this dehumanize them in a way.? To be treated like toys.

Absolutely not. I think you're mixing up dehumanizing someone in a relationship with a non-strings attached hookup.

When you are the "extra" in an open relationship, you're looking for a no-strings attached physical pleasure moment. It becomes dehumanizing when the "extra" person is expecting a relationship or more than just sex.

I will point out that lots of people are just looking for sex and not looking for more. They are ideal for swingers and open relationships "extras". They get the game, the flirt, and the physical sex, and then move onto their next scene.

 

[soren10]

Absolutely not. I think you're mixing up dehumanizing someone in a relationship with a non-strings attached hookup.

When you are the "extra" in an open relationship, you're looking for a no-strings attached physical pleasure moment. It becomes dehumanizing when the "extra" person is expecting a relationship or more than just sex.

I will point out that lots of people are just looking for sex and not looking for more. They are ideal for swingers and open relationships "extras". They get the game, the flirt, and the physical sex, and then move onto their next scene.

Yeah but the " sex toy " treatment is like you treating them like living fleshlights, they may like it or whatever but in my honest opinion it's like they are objects with nearly no value.

 

[ItsAll4Kim]

Yeah but the " sex toy " treatment is like you treating them like living fleshlights, they may like it or whatever but in my honest opinion it's like they are objects with nearly no value.

You could apply this to any interaction between or among people. You're discounting the fact that everyone is getting what they want from the arrangement...the "third" is seeking sex with a couple. There's import to this. As Kennf already wrote, as long as everyone goes in understanding their roles, everyone takes home a prize...

And there's a certain freedom in just being the "sex toy". No burden to perform beyond the basics. No need to bond emotionally.

 

[soren10]

You could apply this to any interaction between or among people. You're discounting the fact that everyone is getting what they want from the arrangement...the "third" is seeking sex with a couple. There's import to this. As Kennf already wrote, as long as everyone goes in understanding their roles, everyone takes home a prize...

And there's a certain freedom in just being the "sex toy". No burden to perform beyond the basics. No need to bond emotionally.

Well the level of understanding differs. There are some variables in play.

All I'm saying is that human objectification is not " right " in some cases.

 

[twoton]

Everyone always talks about communication. I'd take it one step back and say it's more important that both people want it.

But I've never been in an open relationship (only in cheating relationships) so what do I know.

 

[KennF]

Well the level of understanding differs. There are some variables in play.

All I'm saying is that human objectification is not " right " in some cases.

I absolutely agree that in "some" cases objectification is mean, wrong, and dehumanizing. Those cases, however, aren't what is being described in this thread.

 

[bosceltic]

Most people shouldn't be having an open relationship until they can say they're happy in a monogamous relationship. If you can't be honest and open with just one person what makes you think you can manage an extra person?

 

[KennF]

Everyone always talks about communication. I'd take it one step back and say it's more important that both people want it.

You're on the money. That's the honesty, openness, and communication part. If someone isn't honest with themselves and is opening the relationship without being able to compartmentalize sex and intimacy, then it doesn't work.

Most people shouldn't be having an open relationship until they can say they're happy in a monogamous relationship. If you can't be honest and open with just one person what makes you think you can manage an extra person?

I think you're mixing things up, but I understand the gist.

You don't have to be in a monogamous relationship first, in order to have a successful open relationship. You aren't really managing a third person (unless you want to start discussing throuples). But what you say about honest and open is spot on. That's the first step, and probably the hardest step, in every relationship.

I often joke with people that the best thing for me, and my relationship with my husband, is when he started working for an airline. His being away 3 weeks at a time forced us to give up all of the mind games and be real with each other... very quickly. If we weren't honest with each other, our relationship wouldn't work.

But it also meant that we had to be very honest with ourselves. I couldn't take 2 days to figure out what I was feeling or be passive-aggressive. 2 days was 20% of our time together. So, if I felt annoyed, or bothered by something, I was forced to self-evaluate it, face it squarely, be honest with myself about how I really felt, and then accept it and just tell him or confront him about it.

We both grew up very fast during the year he worked for that airline. And, ten years later, we're both better for it.

 

[bosceltic]

You're on the money. That's the honesty, openness, and communication part. If someone isn't honest with themselves and is opening the relationship without being able to compartmentalize sex and intimacy, then it doesn't work.


I think you're mixing things up, but I understand the gist.

You don't have to be in a monogamous relationship first, in order to have a successful open relationship. You aren't really managing a third person (unless you want to start discussing throuples). But what you say about honest and open is spot on. That's the first step, and probably the hardest step, in every relationship.

I often joke with people that the best thing for me, and my relationship with my husband, is when he started working for an airline. His being away 3 weeks at a time forced us to give up all of the mind games and be real with each other... very quickly. If we weren't honest with each other, our relationship wouldn't work.

But it also meant that we had to be very honest with ourselves. I couldn't take 2 days to figure out what I was feeling or be passive-aggressive. 2 days was 20% of our time together. So, if I felt annoyed, or bothered by something, I was forced to self-evaluate it, face it squarely, be honest with myself about how I really felt, and then accept it and just tell him or confront him about it.

We both grew up very fast during the year he worked for that airline. And, ten years later, we're both better for it.

I understand what you're saying here. I guess what I'm trying to say is a vast majority of couples couldn't handle an open relationship because they can't even get communication and honesty right between themselves lol. It's sad, but definitely true. Those rare couples who have a great relationship like yourself and myself as well are far better equipped at handling something like sexual openness.