kalipygian
Expert Member
My sympathy, Martinez5, sounds like your father has the emotional maturity of a twelve year old. Not a person one would choose to live with under his control.
parental insanity
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my dad put the phones back. apparently only to listen to my conversation with my boyfriend. he tuned in at the wrong time, heard something strange, a joke, and took it out of context. he came in my room in a rage, slapped me three times and took the phone. told me to follow him to his room. he then proceeded to yell at me to tell my mom what was going on. so i was "cornered". i told my mom that the guy was my boyfriend. my dad, still out of context, yelled at me and told me that my boyfriend could find someone else to be his little bitch.
so, after seeing what could happen, i broke up with my boyfriend, and now i have no desire to see men ever again.
my dad later came in and apologized. i've never seen him that mad and i don't think i ever will again. he's not abusive. not in the slightest.
he loves me, but i will never bring a guy into my life again, if the people close to me have that reaction.
like i said. i'm nowhere near capable of moving out.
i can see a depression on the horizon that will be difficult to come out of.
hopefully i'll come out of it a better person.
so, after seeing what could happen, i broke up with my boyfriend, and now i have no desire to see men ever again.
my dad later came in and apologized. i've never seen him that mad and i don't think i ever will again. he's not abusive. not in the slightest.
he loves me, but i will never bring a guy into my life again, if the people close to me have that reaction.
like i said. i'm nowhere near capable of moving out.
i can see a depression on the horizon that will be difficult to come out of.
hopefully i'll come out of it a better person.
Difficult though this is for your father to deal with eventually he will realise that there are far, far worse things that his son could be than bisexual. You could be a serial killer. A mugger. A pedophile. In and out of prison. Or worse, dead. He just needs a little perspective and you may need to give that to him as a bit of a parting shot before you take some time away from home. So many parents try to relive their lives vicariously though their children. Every dream and expectation they ever had is piled onto the shoulders of those poor critters who are expected to achieve in the face of all the advantages they have had through life. What some parents fail to understand is their dreams are their dreams and are not necessarily shared by their children. And even where they are shared dreams, they may not play out in exactly the way they envisage.
When my son was very small, he had a stand up fight with his cousin who was a year older. I am talking 13 months vs a 2 year old. The source of the confrontation? A doll's pram. His female cousin had the most gorgeous pink toy pram that she pushed her doll around in. My son wanted it so much and created such a fuss (the only time he ever created over anything) that I ended up going into town to buy him a toy buggy to push his teddy bear around in. Well, he was as happy as a pig in swill pushing that thing to and from the local shops but the reactions of the adults around him was something to behold. You would have thought I put the boy's hair in ribbons and put him in a frock! They were appalled. They all told me, without exception, that I would 'turn the boy gay'. I had my own stand up fights with people who tried to take the pram away from him - WTF? That boy pushed that thing around until it fell apart.
What these people could not accept was if my son was meant to be gay, he would be gay. I did not accept that buying him a pram would make him gay any more than allowing him to participate in needlecrafts at school (he did). He also cooked but he also played rugby and football. But the clincher from my pov - I would love him no less if it did turn out that he were gay and his father felt the same way. People just didn't get that. As it happens, my son is 100% hetero but people have all kinds of prejudices which they project onto others and, as a previous poster suggested, these are their problem.
Your dad's reaction sucks but is not entirely surprising. He probably feels that half the dreams he had for you will no longer happen. This is not necessarily true. He also probably feels that the fact that you are bi reflects badly on his own masculinity. Eventually he will realise that this is not the case but until realisation dawns, what he cannot do is lock you away in the hope that you will somehow 'turn back' again. He needs to understand that this is never going to happen.
When my son was very small, he had a stand up fight with his cousin who was a year older. I am talking 13 months vs a 2 year old. The source of the confrontation? A doll's pram. His female cousin had the most gorgeous pink toy pram that she pushed her doll around in. My son wanted it so much and created such a fuss (the only time he ever created over anything) that I ended up going into town to buy him a toy buggy to push his teddy bear around in. Well, he was as happy as a pig in swill pushing that thing to and from the local shops but the reactions of the adults around him was something to behold. You would have thought I put the boy's hair in ribbons and put him in a frock! They were appalled. They all told me, without exception, that I would 'turn the boy gay'. I had my own stand up fights with people who tried to take the pram away from him - WTF? That boy pushed that thing around until it fell apart.
What these people could not accept was if my son was meant to be gay, he would be gay. I did not accept that buying him a pram would make him gay any more than allowing him to participate in needlecrafts at school (he did). He also cooked but he also played rugby and football. But the clincher from my pov - I would love him no less if it did turn out that he were gay and his father felt the same way. People just didn't get that. As it happens, my son is 100% hetero but people have all kinds of prejudices which they project onto others and, as a previous poster suggested, these are their problem.
Your dad's reaction sucks but is not entirely surprising. He probably feels that half the dreams he had for you will no longer happen. This is not necessarily true. He also probably feels that the fact that you are bi reflects badly on his own masculinity. Eventually he will realise that this is not the case but until realisation dawns, what he cannot do is lock you away in the hope that you will somehow 'turn back' again. He needs to understand that this is never going to happen.
I am sorry to hear that you have 'caved' on this but Martinez trust me - sexuality is not a tap that can be turned off and on. You like men and women. You cannot deny your liking for guys to keep other people happy because in doing so, you will make yourself miserable. You cannot live your life to please your parents. You have to please yourself. I take it that your relationship with this guy was not serious? Is there anywhere that you could go to put some distance between you and your parents?
Gl3nn
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I'm sorry to hear that martinez.
You can say you'll never let a guy in your life again, but you can't deny your sexuality.
You're bi, and your father has to accept it.
And when you move out, he has no more control about your life. Then you can have a relationship with a guy again. If your father doesn't accept that, bad luck for him. You don't have to make HIM happy, YOU have to be happy. And I hope you realise that soon.
You can say you'll never let a guy in your life again, but you can't deny your sexuality.
You're bi, and your father has to accept it.
And when you move out, he has no more control about your life. Then you can have a relationship with a guy again. If your father doesn't accept that, bad luck for him. You don't have to make HIM happy, YOU have to be happy. And I hope you realise that soon.
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Dude, if you have any self respect left in your soul... get out of his house TODAY!
Working at McDonald's and living with 14 room mates will be better for you than what you were born in to.
Working at McDonald's and living with 14 room mates will be better for you than what you were born in to.
B_Jennuine73
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Hugs...
I don't have anything useful to add, it's been said, so I'll just give you a hug.
I don't have anything useful to add, it's been said, so I'll just give you a hug.
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An excellent example of why you should not follow advice from the Internet... Perhaps I shouldn't have given you any, as well.
It's your life... Your choices.
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^^^
It's not a matter of taking advice. Sometimes people can clear up what they've gone through and make choices simply by allowing it to be written out, spoken out loud or, in this case, asking for advice or sharing experiences.
Yes, there are morons on the internet, as well as in the little arena, but not coming forth into the light in many cases means people are miserable alone.
It's not a matter of taking advice. Sometimes people can clear up what they've gone through and make choices simply by allowing it to be written out, spoken out loud or, in this case, asking for advice or sharing experiences.
Yes, there are morons on the internet, as well as in the little arena, but not coming forth into the light in many cases means people are miserable alone.
One suspects that most of us have/had parents who simply are not/were not up-to-date on the best understandings of human sexuality. When faced with a bit of what happens when a young man who does not fit the model which society seems to impose finds himself divorced shortly after marriage to a wonderful young lady. To make a long story short let us simply stipulate that the marriage was a disaster because this very gifted young man was gay. When I recall my parents' comments and the way in which the members of the church dealt with this matter I am still impressed that their basic kindness and their willingness to try to be understanding and helpful. Throughout my relationship with a fellow student in the last two years of high school was always under the radar of the morality snoops in our town.
My parents were wise in so many ways: they never asked and I never told them of the nature of my relationships. Nobody got hurt and there were no unplanned pregnancies! I view what happens sexually between two people is properly personal and very private. My journey into the fullness of my unique sexuality took several turns along the way but the journey has been a very happy one. All five of my former partners continue to be very dear friends to me and that is the only part of our relationship which the world knows or needs to know.
Somehow, I feel that our society needs positive models for parents to have in all of this. Do we need for our parents to know what our sexual orientation is? Does knowing make things easier for them?
My parents were wise in so many ways: they never asked and I never told them of the nature of my relationships. Nobody got hurt and there were no unplanned pregnancies! I view what happens sexually between two people is properly personal and very private. My journey into the fullness of my unique sexuality took several turns along the way but the journey has been a very happy one. All five of my former partners continue to be very dear friends to me and that is the only part of our relationship which the world knows or needs to know.
Somehow, I feel that our society needs positive models for parents to have in all of this. Do we need for our parents to know what our sexual orientation is? Does knowing make things easier for them?
THEDUDEofDestiny
Experimental Member
For your own sake you will have to ignore all attempts to put a label on you. You have a problem and I am not clear as to how you contributed to the trouble you are having, but, you are the only one who can properly deal with that. My own experience tells me that probably no two persons are alike in the way in which they finally become acquainted with and come to appreciate their own unique sexuality. In my case there were turns when I least expected them. One has to be open to the opportunities which one's life situation presents.
In my teens I too thought of myself as thoroughly "straight" but my first sexual partner was the same age as I was and a fellow student; that lasted until we both graduated from high school. The summer following our junior year he was in Montana and I was faced with an opportunity to experience and understand that a relationship with a woman was something I could also handle and enjoy. She was back at college in the fall and I was back enjoying my relationship with my teen male partner. Fortunately, all of this could take place under the radar of the morality snoops in our small town.
I have never sought out casual sexual contacts with men or women. The U.S, Army's less than sane attitude toward the consequences of the "male bonding" which that same army made easy baffled and frustrated me then and is still unresolved in our public policy.
My journey into the fullness of my sexuality included a long term relationship with a college roommate and one with a man who was my housemate for two years when I lived in Seattle.
Folks back then did not automatically assume that two male roommates or two men who shared living quarters were also sexual partners. My two long-term relationships with ladies were more difficult because back then landlord's were not eager to rent to unmarried couples. Times have changed!
Living apart from one's family made things much easier for me. I have always been grateful for the way in which my family accepted my friends (my partners) without asking probing questions. Yet, I know that all of my family, that is my parents and my many brothers and sisters, were all much relieved when I could announce to them that I had found the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, the delightful lady who has been my wife for many years.
Sex between two persons is a personal and a very private matter; sometimes it takes creating a distance between one's family and long-time, hometown, friends to keep it so.
In my teens I too thought of myself as thoroughly "straight" but my first sexual partner was the same age as I was and a fellow student; that lasted until we both graduated from high school. The summer following our junior year he was in Montana and I was faced with an opportunity to experience and understand that a relationship with a woman was something I could also handle and enjoy. She was back at college in the fall and I was back enjoying my relationship with my teen male partner. Fortunately, all of this could take place under the radar of the morality snoops in our small town.
I have never sought out casual sexual contacts with men or women. The U.S, Army's less than sane attitude toward the consequences of the "male bonding" which that same army made easy baffled and frustrated me then and is still unresolved in our public policy.
My journey into the fullness of my sexuality included a long term relationship with a college roommate and one with a man who was my housemate for two years when I lived in Seattle.
Folks back then did not automatically assume that two male roommates or two men who shared living quarters were also sexual partners. My two long-term relationships with ladies were more difficult because back then landlord's were not eager to rent to unmarried couples. Times have changed!
Living apart from one's family made things much easier for me. I have always been grateful for the way in which my family accepted my friends (my partners) without asking probing questions. Yet, I know that all of my family, that is my parents and my many brothers and sisters, were all much relieved when I could announce to them that I had found the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, the delightful lady who has been my wife for many years.
Sex between two persons is a personal and a very private matter; sometimes it takes creating a distance between one's family and long-time, hometown, friends to keep it so.
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It's really sad to hear this sort of things still happen nowadays.
How come they're so close minded? Is it a cultural or religious thing? or they simply still believe in what's supposed to be 'normal'?
Anyways, can't you find a part-time job (I don't know what your age is, but I will suppose you are studying) and pay your cell phone costs?
Don't confront him, not now. Narrow minded people become even more so when confronted to understand. He will not open his mind. He's comfortable as he is now, convinced that he owns the truth. Just treat him as mentally ill. Follow his game, don't pretend him to make a reality check and don't overstress with him. You have better things to worry about, like leading a happy life.
How come they're so close minded? Is it a cultural or religious thing? or they simply still believe in what's supposed to be 'normal'?
Anyways, can't you find a part-time job (I don't know what your age is, but I will suppose you are studying) and pay your cell phone costs?
Don't confront him, not now. Narrow minded people become even more so when confronted to understand. He will not open his mind. He's comfortable as he is now, convinced that he owns the truth. Just treat him as mentally ill. Follow his game, don't pretend him to make a reality check and don't overstress with him. You have better things to worry about, like leading a happy life.
I just want to send out my support to you. You must follow your heart and have courage. Keep true to yourself. This is your life. For your father, it is difficult, as he must learn how to let go, or he will hurt himself by his own controling nature. It may help him somewhat if you tell him your sexuality has nothing to do with his parenting or your mom's parenting, that you have known this about yourself for quite a long time.
Parents feel responsible for how their children turn out.
Parents feel responsible for how their children turn out.
Stephenmass
Legendary Member
RandyL's quote from above post. You sure you are not his Dad? What an ignorant thing to say to a young guy searching out acceptance.
Life, Love, and Family always make for heartache and headaches. Unfortunately these things rarely seem to simply resolve themselves. But that doesn't mean that things won't improve with time.
I'm no expert, but I do know that the thing about people who love you is that they will routinely deal with major issues very poorly. It seems to be because their concern or confusion clouds decision making. Parents are the worst because they're used to controlling and protecting your world. When they're not in control anymore they can feel helpless. And -- well -- they act like idiots.
In time he may make some peace. Or, in time, he may calm down enough for you to work with him to make peace. Try to give him as much understanding as you'd like to have. No one can guarantee that he'll come around and join PFLAG. But you gotta give him a chance.
All that being said... people don't get infinite chances. But only you can know how much time and effort is enough or too much. In the coming years you're going to have to learn a complicated lesson -- you can't live for someone else. And you can't define happiness or "right" based on the people around you.
Stay strong, be kind, and take care of yourself, buddy.
I'm no expert, but I do know that the thing about people who love you is that they will routinely deal with major issues very poorly. It seems to be because their concern or confusion clouds decision making. Parents are the worst because they're used to controlling and protecting your world. When they're not in control anymore they can feel helpless. And -- well -- they act like idiots.
In time he may make some peace. Or, in time, he may calm down enough for you to work with him to make peace. Try to give him as much understanding as you'd like to have. No one can guarantee that he'll come around and join PFLAG. But you gotta give him a chance.
All that being said... people don't get infinite chances. But only you can know how much time and effort is enough or too much. In the coming years you're going to have to learn a complicated lesson -- you can't live for someone else. And you can't define happiness or "right" based on the people around you.
Stay strong, be kind, and take care of yourself, buddy.
It sounds to me like one of two things. Either your Dad thinks he did something wrong in raising you and is trying to "fix" your OR your Dad is Bi and is ashamed of it and is taking it out on you. How you fix either beats the fuck out of me. Sorry I couldn't be more help.
Maybe I'm prying too much, but I don't see what you're doing to address the situation with him.
Sounds like he yells and says stupid bullshit and you sit there and take it like a bitch instead of trying to talk to him.
Dodging the question about the underwear model and telling him you had a boyfriend doesn't sound bi, it sounds gay, and I'm just going to assume that's a much harder pill for your dad to swallow. Either way, though, you need to confront him and explain.
There's always the wonderful question you get to throw at people who are angry about lifestyle shit that isn't really any of their business: How does this change me as a person?
Sounds like he yells and says stupid bullshit and you sit there and take it like a bitch instead of trying to talk to him.
Dodging the question about the underwear model and telling him you had a boyfriend doesn't sound bi, it sounds gay, and I'm just going to assume that's a much harder pill for your dad to swallow. Either way, though, you need to confront him and explain.
There's always the wonderful question you get to throw at people who are angry about lifestyle shit that isn't really any of their business: How does this change me as a person?
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