Racism? Or Simply Preference? Who Is Right Here?

[deleted22053431]

@ArkNebradia

Op, I believe the main issue people have is the verbiage you used in your profile. Having a preference is natural everyone has a preference. I think the issue is when you add a racial element to your bio which can cause POC to feel excluded or "othered". There's a reason Grindr removed the race filter in the first place. This also applies if people put weight or height preferences in their profile as well. Attraction is discriminatory by nature but it's considered rude to advertise your preferences in such a manner. Especially when the intended targets do not fit the conventionally attractive "norm".

Also, you've contradicted yourself several times throughout this thread. You proclaimed you're open to other races but just strongly prefer white men BUT you would hook up with a POC if you found them attractive. So again, what's the point of putting that in your bio if you're open to all races? You said it's to filter out people from messaging you so you can get hookup with a guy you like quicker. But I don't see how exactly your bio filters anything. First off, most people do not read bios on dating websites. You're still going to be messaged by the "undesirables" no matter what you put in your bio. Second, there are going to be white men who read your bio and find it a turn-off even if they "fit" your criteria. So you lose out on matches that way as well. And finally, if you're open to POC as you said, what makes you think a POC that fits your criteria is going to feel welcome enough to message you considering your bio? So you could miss out on them as well.

It seems to me there are two mindsets you go into with the app. Either you're solely looking for white men, or you're going into it with the goal of hooking up with a white man, BUT if you come across a POC that fits your criteria, you'll make them an "exception". Which isn't exactly the best feeling for that individual. No one wants to be an exception.

regardless, just remove that line from your bio and only respond to the men you are interested in. The issue comes down to semantics and charged language especially since race is a sensitive topic, so I don't see the point of adamantly keeping that line in.

 

[Peter1999]

It's 100% racism to denying entire groups of people, simply due to the fact that they're part of that group. Even people you've never met.

No one is forcing you to accept those people either. You have the right to be racist, but don't expect for people not to call you out on it. You have the right to be an awful person.

 

[hisiff maji]

It's 100% racism to denying entire groups of people, simply due to the fact that they're part of that group. Even people you've never met.

No one is forcing you to accept those people either. You have the right to be racist, but don't expect for people not to call you out on it. You have the right to be an awful person.

A very ignorant and hostile take. This is why we have to lie or hide our preferences when asked, otherwise we’re equated to evil racists with an agenda. Please stop assuming other people’s attractions *should* mirror your own, because harmless interracial sexual preferences exists across all races and ethnicities.

 

[Peter1999]

A very ignorant and hostile take. This is why we have to lie or hide our preferences when asked, otherwise we’re equated to evil racists with an agenda. Please stop assuming other people’s attractions *should* mirror your own, because harmless interracial sexual preferences exists across all races and ethnicities.

Sounds like you're hiding it because you're embarrassed by your racism.

Tell me why you don't like a certain group or skin color. DON'T TELL ME ITS JUST YOUR PREFERENCE. ELABORATE ON WHY YOU DON'T LIKE THEM

 

[bigboaster]

Sounds like you're hiding it because you're embarrassed by your racism.

Tell me why you don't like a certain group or skin color. DON'T TELL ME ITS JUST YOUR PREFERENCE. ELABORATE ON WHY YOU DON'T LIKE THEM

Is it fatphobic to not be attracted to heavy set people? Ableist to not be attracted to guys in a wheelchair?

Where does it end? Is there any preference that isn't rooted in bigotry by this standard?

Also would you say this same thing to a black guy who wasn't attracted to white guys?

 

[hisiff maji]

Sounds like you're hiding it because you're embarrassed by your racism.

Tell me why you don't like a certain group or skin color. DON'T TELL ME ITS JUST YOUR PREFERENCE. ELABORATE ON WHY YOU DON'T LIKE THEM

I’ve elaborated like 15 times but sure. I’m not attracted to other races for the same reason I don’t like women, twinks, femboys, obese men, older men etc. it’s called sexual preference and race is no different than the rest of those attributes. it’s physical attraction, it’s uncontrollable, and it comes naturally.
You’re just coming in with an inappropriate narrative about racism that doesn’t belong here, it puts us on the defensive against a damning accusation.

 

[deleted4911161]

I’ve elaborated like 15 times but sure. I’m not attracted to other races for the same reason I don’t like women, twinks, femboys, obese men, older men etc. it’s called sexual preference and race is no different than the rest of those attributes. it’s physical attraction, it’s uncontrollable, and it comes naturally.
You’re just coming in with an inappropriate narrative about racism that doesn’t belong here, it puts us on the defensive against a damning accusation.

Sexual preference in dating means that given two ppl with the exact same physical attributes you like but of different ethnicities or skin colors, you choose the one of the race/ethnicity you prefer.

So two skinny, younger masculine guys, one is asian and one is white, both have jet black hair and light brown eyes, you go for the white guy because you don't like asians.

For most ppl, it has more to do with either not wanting to get outside their comfort zone, having racial stereotypes, or feeling all kinds of uncomfortable being around ppl of X group.

Think about the most important attributes you like in a man and then think about how race is related or not to that. For example, you mention three things that are not influenced by race: skinny vs obese, old vs young, masculine vs effeminate. If you had said you like blonde guys or guys with blue eyes, it would be a different conversation.

 

[deleted4911161]

I really think it’s of no consequence whether racial preferences are racist or not. Most people have them. Some people are “racist” about it. Oh well. You can’t lecture someone into finding someone attractive that they don’t find attractive. I think preferences are a mixture of inherent attraction as well as societal influence; which of those factors are stronger in generating preferences varies from person to person but in the end the result is the same. In any case, we like who we like. Sex and romance are some of the only the areas in life where people can be as discriminatory as they like and it’s not wrong . It’s your body and time after all.

There are gay men who still advertise on their dating profile things like no Asians, no blacks or that they prefer to date white ppl. Racial preferences in dating are very common, at least in the gay community. It's easy to say, to each his own, especially if you have never been affected directly by it.

I think the point of these discussions is not to change ppls hearts but to increase awareness of these issues and to try to make ppl more conscious of those "societal influences" that causes them to have dating preferences based on race.

 

[Peter1999]

I’ve elaborated like 15 times but sure. I’m not attracted to other races for the same reason I don’t like women, twinks, femboys, obese men, older men etc. it’s called sexual preference and race is no different than the rest of those attributes. it’s physical attraction, it’s uncontrollable, and it comes naturally.
You’re just coming in with an inappropriate narrative about racism that doesn’t belong here, it puts us on the defensive against a damning accusation.

There's the coward in you. Like all racists, you coward when pressed. You love discriminating, but hate the labels you also impose. Funny.

 

[Peter1999]

@ArkNebradia
regardless, just remove that line from your bio and only respond to the men you are interested in. The issue comes down to semantics and charged language especially since race is a sensitive topic, so I don't see the point of adamantly keeping that line in.

These kind of people know exactly what they're doing and how to hide behind the veil of "my preferences." It's the gay way to be openly racist towards others.

I have a gay Asian friend/acquaintance. He has a killer physique (leagues better than me.) He straight up asked me one day if I liked asian men. I said I do find some attractive like all other men. He literally said it's rare to hear that because so many guys will say "not into Asians." He laughed about it as we continued working out, but man, it's depressing to hear how awful gays can be.

I say they keep it up so we at least know who's openly racist. They have the right to be that way.

 

[hisiff maji]

Sexual preference in dating means that given two ppl with the exact same physical attributes you like but of different ethnicities or skin colors, you choose the one of the race/ethnicity you prefer.

So two skinny, younger masculine guys, one is asian and one is white, both have jet black hair and light brown eyes, you go for the white guy because you don't like asians.

For most ppl, it has more to do with either not wanting to get outside their comfort zone, having racial stereotypes, or feeling all kinds of uncomfortable being around ppl of X group.

Think about the most important attributes you like in a man and then think about how race is related or not to that. For example, you mention three things that are not influenced by race: skinny vs obese, old vs young, masculine vs effeminate. If you had said you like blonde guys or guys with blue eyes, it would be a different conversation.

Two men with the same physical attributes but different races, are not two men with the same appearance. Asian, whites, and blacks are all equally human, but we look distinctly different. Being attracted to specific race, or not attracted to a specific race, isn’t a sign of some deeper meaning. Sure it can be, but to assume that it is, is problematic. Yes I’m attracted to pale blonde men and not to black men or darker skinned men, but I have more black friends than I do blonde friends.

You say for most people it has to do with comfort zones or racial stereotypes, and I’m certain it does for many people. But we can’t speak for most people, and I don’t like being spoken for through assumptions.
I’ve had this topic with Asian and black friends and acquaintances, and some have echoed the same sentiments I have. White ones usually refuse to engage out of fear, which is my frustration with this thread.

 

[hisiff maji]

There's the coward in you. Like all racists, you coward when pressed. You love discriminating, but hate the labels you also impose. Funny.

I wrote you a detailed answer and you just call me a coward instead of responding. Big brain energy.

 

[Peter1999]

Yes I’m attracted to pale blonde men and not to black men or darker skinned men, but I have more black friends than I do blonde friends.

You do realize racist people always use that same line of "I can't be racist because I have a black friend."

I suggest you sit down one day and just think to yourself about this. Think exactly why you aren't attracted to them. Be honest with yourself. Do this on a day when you aren't angry. You might learn something about yourself and why you think that way. Keep your heart and mind open to it.

No one here is forcing you to date certain people, but you should at least take a look to see if it's not an actual issue within yourself causing you to project onto others.

 

[Peter1999]

I wrote you a detailed answer and you just call me a coward instead of responding. Big brain energy.

I used to think I couldn't date chubby guys or slightly less attractive guys. For me, it was always 6 pack or nothing.

I started giving them a chance. I started opening up my mind. Hell the best lover I've had, had a little belly. He had a cute face and was a great guy. He was relatively healthy, but liked to eat. Had I kept the same mentality I had in my early 20's, I never would have met him. I learned that our preconceived notions of others is something within ourselves. Something we are uncomfortable with. Looking back now, I see I used to be a rude idiot. I was shallow because I thought I deserved better

 

[hisiff maji]

You do realize racist people always use that same line of "I can't be racist because I have a black friend."

I suggest you sit down one day and just think to yourself about this. Think exactly why you aren't attracted to them. Be honest with yourself. Do this on a day when you aren't angry. You might learn something about yourself and why you think that way. Keep your heart and mind open to it.

No one here is forcing you to date certain people, but you should at least take a look to see if it's not an actual issue within yourself causing you to project onto others.

Read his message. I did not use “I can’t be racist I have black friends” trope. I was responding to his statement that people like me may not feel comfortable being around people of another race or culture.
I hope some day you and others here realize how condescending and self righteous your messages come off.

 

[hisiff maji]

I used to think I couldn't date chubby guys or slightly less attractive guys. For me, it was always 6 pack or nothing.

I started giving them a chance. I started opening up my mind. Hell the best lover I've had, had a little belly. He had a cute face and was a great guy. He was relatively healthy, but liked to eat. Had I kept the same mentality I had in my early 20's, I never would have met him. I learned that our preconceived notions of others is something within ourselves. Something we are uncomfortable with. Looking back now, I see I used to be a rude idiot. I was shallow because I thought I deserved better

What is attractive though? Is it not subjective to each person? Would you also give a woman a chance even though she’s not a man?
That’s great that you’ve explored your sexuality, but don’t assume we haven’t either. I have tried dating men I wasn’t physically attracted to, it was a mess and not fair to him. And it’s different from giving someone a chance. I think you’re projecting your own experiences on others here. Or grouping us together with rude exclusionary instagays.

 

[Peter1999]

What is attractive though? Is it not subjective to each person? Would you also give a woman a chance even though she’s not a man?
That’s great that you’ve explored your sexuality, but don’t assume we haven’t either. I have tried dating men I wasn’t physically attracted to, it was a mess and not fair to him. And it’s different from giving someone a chance. I think you’re projecting your own experiences on others here. Or grouping us together with rude exclusionary instagays.

I'll leave it at that. If you're unwilling to learn something about yourself, that's on you. There's nothing that can be done if someone is unwilling to even try. Have a good one.

 

[Kanashi]

What is attractive though? Is it not subjective to each person? Would you also give a woman a chance even though she’s not a man?
That’s great that you’ve explored your sexuality, but don’t assume we haven’t either. I have tried dating men I wasn’t physically attracted to, it was a mess and not fair to him. And it’s different from giving someone a chance. I think you’re projecting your own experiences on others here. Or grouping us together with rude exclusionary instagays.

It reminds me of when I came out to my parents. My Dad told told me that if I really wanted to, I could be straight. That I could date and marry a woman and have a family. And yes, I absolutely could have sex with a woman and get married and have kids. But that doesn't mean I'm straight or still not attracted to other guys. All it would mean is that I would be going through the motions, trying to fit myself into what he believed I should be. And his response? "I could sleep with a man if I wanted to." And that's when I realized it was pointless to argue with him. Because all he was willing to do was see thing through his perspective. If he can do something then that must mean everyone else can do the same thing. Arguing with people who think like this is pointless.

I just made the decision that I wasn't going to change myself based off of someone else's believes. They tried to put me in religious conversion therapy and I refused. I am who am I am. I am the one who determines how to live my life. Not everyone is gonna like it, and that's okay. They can call me whatever names, point whatever fingers, belittle me. I've come to realize that a lot of people in humanity put others down as a way to feel bettter about themselves or to try and control another person's life, narrative. But at the end of the day, I'm a human; not a robot. I have been gifted the ability to make my own decisions, even if it someone else doesn't agree with it; regardless of what their reasoning is.

 

[Peter1999]

I've come to realize that a lot of people in humanity put others down as a way to feel bettter about themselves or to try and control another person's life, narrative.

The irony that you don't see that you're doing exactly this by saying you absolutely won't date someone of certain group. Ex: I don't like a certain group, therefore they must all be the same.

I'm simply stating you should judge the individual instead of the entire group. I also suggest you sit down some day and question why you're like that. Maybe you are following your father's footsteps without realizing it. It's all up to you if you wish to see it or not. Or you can keep coming up with reasons.

 

[eggdr0p]

There are gay men who still advertise on their dating profile things like no Asians, no blacks or that they prefer to date white ppl. Racial preferences in dating are very common, at least in the gay community. It's easy to say, to each his own, especially if you have never been affected directly by it.

I think the point of these discussions is not to change ppls hearts but to increase awareness of these issues and to try to make ppl more conscious of those "societal influences" that causes them to have dating preferences based on race.

I have been directly affected and frequently excluded by people’s racial dating preferences. I’m black. being on the receiving end of this sort of thing is what has led me to the conclusion that it’s really not worth discussing most of the time. People get more conscious of their biases and then what? They’re very unlikely to change their minds, or even admit that there may be something wrong with the way that they think. Most people aren’t willing to take that kind of accountability.