Relationship with best friend just got weird

[YBNB]

Ok, right. Firstly, I'm sorry if this feels like a rambling post, but I'm a bit confused here. What I'm going to post about has literally just happened, hence why I'm a bit all over the place.

Right, some background. I'm a 20 year old guy, straight, blah blah etc, nothing special. Normal guy, go to school, work a crap job, get drunk occasionally. My best friend of 6 years, let's call him Ryan, is the same. We hang out all the time, been real damn close since we were awkward teenagers. I love the guy like a brother, and it's always been like that. We've always helped each other out with relationship advice when it comes to girls, and for the most part, we've both been lucky with girls.

Anyway, cutting to the chase, I just got a phonecall from him. At the minute, he's in Edinburgh visiting his girlfriend [she's at uni there]. So he calls me up, rather drunk. Which is odd, considering it's about 3pm. He's had a fight with his girlfriend [not unusual, she's rather fiesty] and has been told to fuck off away from her flat, where he's meant to be staying until friday. So, the first time he calls me, he's drunk, and blunt, and sounds upset. Call is more or less like this

Me: You ok mate? What actually happened?
Him: I told her I'm in love with someone else.
Me: What the fuck! Who?
Him: Who do you think?

I know he's never cheated on her, and isn't after any other girls. After he says that, he goes quiet. He then hangs up. I figure, maybe he's pissed, and has said it to wind up his girlfriend.

While I was on the phone to him. She had texted me, demanding that I call her. So I do. And she accuses me of fucking him. and having a relationship with him. and being in love with him. I'm seriously thinking it's a massive joke they're playing on me. I'm fuckin' angry and just a little confused. It sounds like she doesn't believe me, so I tell her what bar he's in and I call him back.

And when I get through, he tells me he's been in love with me for 3 years. People always joke about how him and I are like a married couple, but loadsa guy mates are like that. I really had no fucking idea how to react. He said he had to tell me now, because I've recently applied to study abroad for a year and I had to know. But I don't fucking leave until summer and I've got no fucking idea what to do or say now.

I hung up on him after that call and turned my phone off. I need to clear my head. I don't exactly know why I posted this here, but so many of you are the level headed arbiter for strangers, and I just need some help. I can't talk about this with friends or family, not right now.

What the hell am I meant to do? :frown1:

 

[YBNB]

I've been talking to his now ex girlfriend tonight. He's been sick and is sleeping off his hangover [which I knew he would need to do!] and is gonna call me tomorrow morning.

She's taking things ok at the minute, but I know it'll get worse for her. Her dad committed suicide a while ago and ever since then she has, understandably, found emotional conflict particularly stressful.

Apparently he's told her that he's gay, and has been for a while. I didn't wanna delve too far here, as she was becoming a little upset, and I'm sure Ryan will tell me these things himself, in time.

The way I see it, it's like this. Unrequited love and one way feelings happens all the damn time between friends, be they straight or gay or bi. Doesn't matter. It also doesn't matter to me that it's my closest friend. You guys are right. If anything, it makes it much easier for me to gain some persceptive. It's obviously been unbelievably hard for him to overcome these feelings and try living a lie, keeping his girlfriend. He didn't choose to be gay and he didn't choose to develop feelings for me. But that's life. It's happened, and I know that he needs me now more than ever to help him along.

 

[Stephenmass]

The way I see it, it's like this. Unrequited love and one way feelings happens all the damn time between friends, be they straight or gay or bi. Doesn't matter. It also doesn't matter to me that it's my closest friend. You guys are right. If anything, it makes it much easier for me to gain some persceptive. It's obviously been unbelievably hard for him to overcome these feelings and try living a lie, keeping his girlfriend. He didn't choose to be gay and he didn't choose to develop feelings for me. But that's life. It's happened, and I know that he needs me now more than ever to help him along.

What a perfect way to accept it and realize that he really didn't choose o develop feelings for you or any other male for that matter, he just did. And he has probably been struggling with it for a very long time. You have a very level head and I admire you for the way you are handling the whole thing. The friendship that has already gone by has not changed really. I hope it will all come back around and in time he will realize that he will have to accept your friendship as a straight guy having a gay friend. That is all it really is. And if he can do that, while respecting your "straightness" your friendship can actually get stronger. There can be love between two men that isn't physical. Keep that and I hope he can get past what he wants beyond that if he wants to keep your friendship. You handled it great and I hope you let him know that as long as he respects his boundaries, no foul and forgotten.

 

[Rowan Ravenseed]

Here here i second what country guys said your an amazing dude no wonder this guy thinks he loves you.... dont ever stop being the supportive caring man you are

 

[ActionBuddy]

I hope you can relax about this... let it go... and keep in mind what you love about your friend.

I went through this with my "best friend"... a wonderful guy, that I simply had no attraction to sexually.

What I love about him is what is between his ears, not between his legs. He is an amazingly talented, creative man and friend.

I absolutely, unconditionally, unforgettably love him, like a brother... but, I'm not interested, sexually.

So... What "nice" thing can we say to someone that is sexually attracted to us, when we aren't? Saying anything about a lack of attraction can totally kill the greatest of friendships.

Grrrrrr!...

When what the right thing to do, is to just tell the truth, and say: "I love you, dude... but I don't wanna do you."... it's a tough and uncomfortable situation... but, we gotta be honest for ourselves, and them.

I finally got the nerve to say so... It was weird for our friendship for awhile, but, it worked out.

We are still best buds!

Onan

 

[amos44]

Your profile says you are 100% straight, so I assume you aren't interestd in him "that way." That being said, since you are good friends, you need to tell him that you aren't interested in him in a sexual way, but that you are still his bud and won't hold his feelings towards you against him. Let him down easy.

It might be tough being his friend knowing he feels that way about you, but it's the right thing to do. It was probably really difficult for him to say what he said...

 

[YBNB]

Yeah, I mean, I'm not into him in that way. I'm not into guys but he knows this, and I thought he was the same which is why I'm in a bit of a mindfuck at the minute.

I'm just worried this is going to permanently fuck things up.

 

[LowRida]

Wow. Umm....

Tell him how u feel about him straight and to the point good, bad or indifferent is what I would do.

 

[Coolhunter]

if ur real close friends..u can tell what ur heart says, that u love him to pieces as a mate, but not love in the sense of physical attraction. i hope ur friendship can survive.

CH

 

[aztechx]

just my very humble opinion..this friend of yours might also be going through a very tough time..dealing with his sexuality and attraction towards you..thats alot of pressure to handle,especially for young people like us..and to push him aside like that is going to make it worse for him emotionally..it must have been painful enough for him to hide and surpress those fellings after all the years u guys have been friends..

please..at least text him or anything to tell him u need time to digest things..it will make him feel a whole lot better as im sure hes in a very tough spot already now..trust me its not an easy place to be..

 

[YBNB]

I didn't meant to react badly, but it's just extremely shocking. So random.

I sent him a text asking him to call me once he's sobered up. He hasn't replied.

I also texted his girlfriend saying that I knew nothing about this. Problem now being that she went and told my girlfriend that it's all true. My girlfriend believes me, but that's a pain in the ass to deal with.

I'm still just freaking out a bit. Part of me knows things can never be as they were, but I'd kill to keep this guy's friendship.

 

[DaveyR]

I'm just worried this is going to permanently fuck things up.

You can choose whether or not to let that happen. :wink:

Whatever you are going through right now multiply by 10 or more and that's what he is probably going through and has been for some time.

If you make it clear to him the nothing sexual will ever happen between you and he can accept that then there is no reason at all why your frienship should change. In fact with him having got all this off his chest you may even get along better than before.

At least send him a text saying something along the lines that although you are shocked you are still his best mate. He needs all the support he can get right now.

EDIT - typing at the same time - Great that you sent him a text.

 

[Brewster]

Have you done anything to make him think there might be a chance?

 

[Stephenmass]

Part of me knows things can never be as they were, but I'd kill to keep this guy's friendship.

I don't know why the friendship has to end to be honest. OK so he has feelings for you beyond "best friend". Simply tell him you'd love to keep him as a best friend and not to expect anything beyond that. You love him in a "brotherly" way and only creepy people fuck with their brothers.

I'm sure it was hard for him to "man up" and tell you. Now the ball is in your court to "man up" and figure out a way to keep his friendship while at the same time letting him know it cannot, and will not go further.

Try hard not to let it change anything.

 

[hyphap]

Make sure he knows that you still care about him as a friend, but will not ever have a sexual relationship with him. You both may need some time and space to deal with this, so don't try to jump into having the exact same relationship as you did. That could just hurt him worse by making him hope/believe that the relationship could change from friendship to something more. Sadly, the only real cure here is time. It is possible for a friendship to survive something like this--one of my closest friendships today was with a man I had a crush on for years when we were teens--but there may be a period of awkwardness while you both adjust and grow up a little. Does that make sense?

 

[YBNB]

I've tried to think back but there's nothing I've ever done that would have given him an idea to try something on, but I don't think that would have mattered all too much.

His girlfriend is texting me now, saying that she never saw this coming and that the 2 of them are finished. Which has made me feel horribly guilty in a fucked up way.

I also texted him again there cause he hasn't replied. Told him I'm not mad or anything, that I just wanna talk things out with him. I don't want him to go and do anything stupid. He's drunk, in a city he doesn't know well, and it now seems that his phone is off and his GF doesn't know where he's gone.

edit - was typing at the same time there guys.

Yeah, once I can talk to him I just wanna get a few things clear, one being we're only ever going to be friends, nothing more, and secondly that I still want him as my mate. I couldn't not be friends with this guy. I just hope he still wants that but I don't know!

 

[Stephenmass]

I'd leave him a voicemail message (too bad you don't know where he is) to let him know that you are honored that he thinks of you that way, but you cannot return what he wants. Also clearly state that you hope as you say here that you two can keep the fantastic friendship you have and what has transpired doesn't change things. In a way of course it has, but if he respects your heterosexuality he should hopefully back off in that sense. Let him know for sure that you want to keep his friendship because the two of you have shared a great friendship that you do not want to lose. Please call me as soon as you can...etc....

 

[MH07]

I've tried to think back but there's nothing I've ever done that would have given him an idea to try something on, but I don't think that would have mattered all too much.

His girlfriend is texting me now, saying that she never saw this coming and that the 2 of them are finished. Which has made me feel horribly guilty in a fucked up way.

I also texted him again there cause he hasn't replied. Told him I'm not mad or anything, that I just wanna talk things out with him. I don't want him to go and do anything stupid. He's drunk, in a city he doesn't know well, and it now seems that his phone is off and his GF doesn't know where he's gone.

edit - was typing at the same time there guys.

Yeah, once I can talk to him I just wanna get a few things clear, one being we're only ever going to be friends, nothing more, and secondly that I still want him as my mate. I couldn't not be friends with this guy. I just hope he still wants that but I don't know!

Sigh. I've been in this situation where he is.

First, it's going to be tough to do anything while he's drunk. I'm a bit concerned about the phone turned off/strange city/just told his closest friend that (a) he's gay and (b) he has feelings for the friend, and then perceives that he was rejected (he does, and you can't help it, you're not wanting him that way). This is a lot of hurt and confusedness to handle when you're sober, much less drunk.

As the others have said, time is the great healer in these situations. Like hyphap, I've gone back to being friends with someone on whom I had a crush, but it's tough and takes a lot of time and sorting out.

Don't know if you're in the same city/place as he right now, but if you know where to try looking for him, might be a good idea to do so (other than just texting or VM'ing). Drunk often leads to stupid; hopefully he wouldn't do anything stupid.

And you can get the relationship back, you really can. You've gotten excellent advice above and I recommend you follow it.

I wish you all the luck in the world. (His relationship with that girlfriend is toast, she'll never understand/forgive. He's going to have to sort out who he is, and that's going to take him some time and help from friends---including you. Man, reading all this, I'm really, really glad I'm done with all that).

 

[YBNB]

Thanks so much for all your advice guys, all fast replies as well.

Although I'm worried now. his mum just called me, freaking out and asked if he's ok. She lives about 10 minutes drive away from me so I'm going to go down to her house. Apparently he called his younger brother and whatever he's said has made his mum call me in tears. i'll keep you guys posted whenever I learn what has happened.

to be honest, I'm shitting myself. He can sometimes be a bit dramatic.

 

[eeson]

This is pretty normal for guys who are just working out their sexuality - He has had a crush on you all this time because you are close friends - He is not in love with you, he is infatuated.... & you can work through that!!

What he needs is a strong friend who will stand by him - He has enough to cope with by coming out in this way - He probably thinks he is losing his mind!!

But honestly, in 3 -6 months time, when he is more comfortable with himself & confident as he has friends he can be honest & open with, you guys will look back at this & laugh.

Late teens & early 20's are fundamental in developing your self esteem (expecially if he is gay or bi).

Be cool with it - & remember why he is your friend.... He has reached what he will be feeling is rock bottom, so it can only get better from here!!!