Sexual Pyschological damage

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by D_Bemeslay Bugthorpe Boobtube III, Jul 13, 2009.

  1. D_Bemeslay Bugthorpe Boobtube III

    Apr 27, 2008
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    As a straight man most of my life, about three years ago I became curious about possibly experimenting with men. I feel no type of attraction to men even to this day. But the idea of meeting with a stranger and fooling around excited me. At first it was slow, no touching and then fleshlights and then handjobs and now a stop at the occasional glory hole. I guess what makes it fun for me is the NSA encounter and the orgasmic pleasure one gets when we ejaculate whether it be alone or with a buddy. I guess my attitude is if youre doing it alone why not invite a friend. I am still very vanilla and actually not interested in any type or oral/anal etc, just handjobs and pleasure usually watching straight porn. Most of the attention of course centers around the penis, not kissing or nipples or butt or anything else.

    My behavior is even more interesting because when I am not horny or masturbating or watching porn I am not even interested at all in men or casual encounters. It seems like either as I go a long time without ejaculating or begin to masturbate often, my urge to meet with a man becomes more and more likely. I begin to focus on the penis in porn and not on the female. I guess the term 'love the cock' comes to mind. I also think one reason I start to enjoy this is I need a lot of action in life in general, and when I don't get it, Im just plain bored. Even with women the amount of time and effort it takes to date and the odds of success, it gets boring and its much easier to just get what you want quick and work on the relationship until it buds to the point you can get what you want with the girl.

    Outside of my internet encounters I am 100% straight. I am very good looking and successful and attract a number of women, but for some reason, every so often i step into a different world and experiment.

    I recently learned I was molested by my father and feel this may have something to do with my behavior because with men I am submissive and shy. I feel like maybe the repression of that experience has helped lean me in this direction. I also feel that I have an addiciton to porn. I watch it daily and probably twice a day and am almost sure watching pornography excessively has completely rewired the way I think about sex.

    I have went back and fourth about my sexual experiences with men because I think this really is not who I am. I repress it somewhat, but at the same time realize that it is what it is and there's certainly worse things in the world to do or have happen to you. I realize my biggest concern is not nessecarily the act but getting caught doing it. Since it is a fantasy realm and not the real world, I feel like if I ever become someone important it could come back to haunt me and change people's opinion of me. And that isn't because it is a homosexual act but because it is unusual behavior, closeted and not exactly something I am proud of.

    In any case I am wondering if anyone has similar experiences or other information that could help me try and figure out where to go with this. I think solving my porn addiction would be a great start. I have not been counseled about being molested but I think I have recovered and hold no regrets for it. I just believe it is a factor in why I act the way I do.
  2. cyberczar

    cyberczar New Member

    Dec 10, 2007
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    Honey, no one is 100% of anything. We're too complicated of creatures for that.

    I would suggest counseling. You need to talk with someone in a supportive setting.
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