Hey everyone. I wanted to get some thoughts on my sexuality. I’ve always considered myself gay. I’ve been on dates with women and never felt attracted to them. I’ve been on dates with men and felt instant attraction. I have anxiety and don’t do well on dates. Lately I haven’t had any desire to pursue a romantic or sexual realation ship with a guy. I still think of guys when I’m jerking off and seeing guys turns me on. It’s just I don‘t have any interest in dating or hook ups. Does this make me asexual? Thanks for your input.
Sexuality Question
- Thread starter jakeswiftie
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Dude. You're young. Don't label yourself and just live your life. Whatever happens will happen. Don't force it.
Thanks for the advice. You’re right. I shouldn’t feel the need to label myself. I just get tired of everyone asking why I’m not seeing anyone, lol.
halcyondays
Worshipped Member
Just be honest that there's no one you're interested in at the moment.
Yeah, that can be so annoying. Just remember you don't owe anyone an explanation.
That’s what I tell them. Then they offer to fix me up with someone, lol. It‘s like you’re not allowed to be single. Haha.
You’re exactly right. I don’t owe anyone an explanation. I don’t know why I feel the need to constantly defend my choices. I need to work on that. Thanks for the advice!
halcyondays
Worshipped Member
I tease those who do that by saying, "Like I would trust you to set me up with anyone!"
I still enjoy teasing matchmakers for their failures:
"You boasted about setting them up didn't you?"
"Yes."
"And they divorced/split/broke up."
"That's not my fault."
"You really know how to pick em dontcha?"
Relationship proselytizing is out of control everywhere including this site. Sometimes it's even worse than religious proselytizing.
(that's the closet emoji I could find to the Cheshire cat's disembodied smile, lol)
maybe you’re going through a period of mild depression? you don’t feel like dating anyone if you’re depressed...
happens to everyone...
No. You are not asexual. Asexual people specifically don't experience sexual desire or sexual attraction for males or females. This is something else entirely.
Source: Am asexual.
sexual attraction/turn-ons and relationshgips/dating are two different things. One can lead to the other but it's perfectly normal to desire one and not the other at a particular time. I get the sense that the anxiety/mental health side is a hangup and could be leading to fear of getting in a situation where someone you potentially like might be judgmental about it. I will say that that is something everyone deals with. While some people overcome it, or maybe hide it well, everyone deals with it on some level.
My advice would be work on the source of anxiety, even with a professional if that's needed. If you take out the source of the issue, everything else will take care of itself. As far as others questioning why you aren't seeing someone, while they mean well most likely and don't realize they are causing additional anxiety, they are, but fuck other people's expectations about your personal life. It's your life. Do only what you want to do and whatever people may think about it is just one person's opinion. We waste too many years of our lives trying to live how others think we should live instead of just being happy and living how we want to live.
As far as those around you questioning you about things, if they are people you really care about and who really care about you, be honest with them how you are feeling. If they are true friends, they will understand and be supportive. If not, they probably aren't quality enough friends to have around as much in your life, or to at least care enough about their opinion of you so strongly that you actively sacrifice your own happiness to win their approval.
When you are young, you think the point of the game is to get as many friends as you can. As you get older, you begin to understand that friendships are a qualitative metric and not a quantitative one. I'd much rather have 2 or 3 really close friends that know the real me and still want to be real friends than to have 400 people who just say or act like they are my friends but lack any real depth to those friendships.
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A couple of comments:
One, I agree with some of the others here - don't label yourself. Figuring out your sexuality is a journey, not a destination - just take your time and enjoy it as you go along. You might be feeling the way you are just because of the place you are in your life right now. Your circumstances will change as you go along, and your sexual desires may change, too. It makes no sense to pigeon-hole yourself into a particular category.
Second, "why aren't you seeing anyone?" is a rude question. You may be close to certain friends, and they may believe it's not big deal for them to be so familiar - it's still rude. My advice is to take control of the conversation. I had to do this many years ago, and here's how it went:
Them: "Why aren't you seeing anyone?"
Me: "Because I'm perfectly happy being single."
Them: "I know someone you would really like - let me introduce you."
Me: "No, thank you."
Them: "Oh come on - you need to get out more."
Me (more forcefully): "No...thank you."
Just continue repeating "No, thank you." If they persist, change the subject or just leave. They'll figure it out eventually. You have no obligation to anyone to explain yourself any further. Once you understand that and believe it, they'll see it in your eyes will stop questioning you.
One, I agree with some of the others here - don't label yourself. Figuring out your sexuality is a journey, not a destination - just take your time and enjoy it as you go along. You might be feeling the way you are just because of the place you are in your life right now. Your circumstances will change as you go along, and your sexual desires may change, too. It makes no sense to pigeon-hole yourself into a particular category.
Second, "why aren't you seeing anyone?" is a rude question. You may be close to certain friends, and they may believe it's not big deal for them to be so familiar - it's still rude. My advice is to take control of the conversation. I had to do this many years ago, and here's how it went:
Them: "Why aren't you seeing anyone?"
Me: "Because I'm perfectly happy being single."
Them: "I know someone you would really like - let me introduce you."
Me: "No, thank you."
Them: "Oh come on - you need to get out more."
Me (more forcefully): "No...thank you."
Just continue repeating "No, thank you." If they persist, change the subject or just leave. They'll figure it out eventually. You have no obligation to anyone to explain yourself any further. Once you understand that and believe it, they'll see it in your eyes will stop questioning you.
Thanks for the advice. I really do believe anxiety and mental health are playing a huge role in how I’m feeling. I’ve meet a few nice guys, but I get scared and run away. Do you have any advice on where I could seek some help with that? I’ve thought about going to a therapist, but I’m not aware of any gay friendly ones in my area.
Thanks for the advice!
Not sure of any specific ones, though I'd look around at local therapists. Even if you can't find one that specifically deals with gay issues, I'd think anyone who specializes in helping people with anxiety might be able to give you some tools to work through things. Like all mental health issues, it's always a process. Just know you aren't the first that's had to deal with the issue nor will you be the last, so you aren't alone. Just keep working at it and you will get to where you want to be. I wish you the best!
there also may be therapists outside your area that can work remotely, kind of like telehealth for medical issues, but geared towards mental health. I don't know of ones right off, but it might be something to research as well
Only you should decide when and to whom you want to reveal your sexual preferences or identity.
I am bi and it wasn't until later in life that I confided to a friend. Big mistake; he opened his mouth and we no longer have any connection.
My lesson learned; it is nobody's business except mine !!
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