Should i be feeling this guilty?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Trebor152, Feb 17, 2011.

  1. Trebor152

    Trebor152 New Member

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    Ok guys and gals i need some advice.

    For the past 9 months or so I have been sleeping with a best friend of mine. Hes hung and it was a massive turn on for me to have a wanking buddy. Unfortunatly things became very complicated when I fell for him big time. Not just a sexual thing but that was certainly part of it. Anyway I was upfront and told him how I felt but was turned down. And so we just decided to be friends.

    That was about a month ago. Now since then I have met an amazing new guy. I find him super attractive, we get on so well and have loads in common. So last week we became an official couple. That ended the sexual element with the first guy forever. I want to make the most out of this new and exciting relationship which I am totally commited to. But theres just one thing thats making me feel awful.

    Nearly every time when I masterbate i cannot help but fantasise about old memories with the first guy. Even though it has firmly been established that we arent compatible he still features predominantly in my fantasies. I have so much lust for the sex with him, even though I would say my romantic feelings have diminiished alot and are well on the road to being non existant. Alot of the fantasy is to do with the thrill of doing something naughty, more naughty than relationship sex, the fact that he has a big one and that I now cant have it. It just all combines into this massive wank fantasy for me.

    Now I still do masturbate with thoughts of the new guy and when we are having sex its totally about him and his body, i dont think of anyone else. I love it in fact. Ive never felt so physically attracted to a new person before as usually it takes me months before i suddenly start getting turned on by people. So the signs are good and all round I think we have a fantastic future. The problem is I cannot escape the feelings of guilt I get from these wank fantasies. I never intend to act upon them and I have never cheated before. I mean I feel bad enough just thinking it let alone going through with it. And I wouldnt mind if it was thoughts of people I dont know or different people, but it is the same guy repeatedly.

    I know you cant choose who you are attracted to. But I must stress before you all say Im with the wrong guy that I have never fallen for some one so quick as I have this new guy. And I know that in time the fantasies with the other one will go away, but that could take ages. All im looking for is some kind of reassurance that in fact no, I am not a bad person, and that this is a normal, albeit difficult, situation.

    Under normal circumstances I would do two things. I would distance myself significantly from the old guy and I would give my self time to get over that failed relationship attempt. The problem is though that the old guys life is intertwined with mine for the foreseeable future. Theres no way to change it for months. I think that not being able to do these things is prolonging the process of moving on. But i know the old guy is not the route to happiness for me. And also i couldnt let the oppertunity to start something with the new guy pass me by. Hes just too good of an oppertunity to miss. I mean, hes the type of guy i could see my self marrying one day.

    The new guy isnt a rebound for me at all. I love him entirely for who he is. I cant tell him all this is going on inside my head because he might take it the wrong way. We are only at the very begining of our journey. In the future I could tell him where my head was at, but not now, its not right.

    So if you have any tips or advice for a situation like this dish it out. But dont be harsh because believe me im beating my self up about it enough allready.

    And yes, I definatly want to stay with the new guy.

    Thanks in advance.
     
    #1 Trebor152, Feb 17, 2011
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2011
  2. sixlittleboi

    sixlittleboi Member

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    Your fantasies are just that fantasies. As long as they stay in your head you should have no problem. Guys masturbate to the thought of many different people, not just the people they happen to be dating. I wouldn't over analyze what you think about when you masturbate. You might be using old memories to masturbate but you are creating new ones when you have sex with your current man. There is a good chance that will change as time progresses and your mind remembers a hotter time with your current man than with the previous one. The thoughts during masturbation are what we remember to be the most sexually arousing we can conjure up. If the guy you thought about was a celebrity would you be feeling the same guilt? If you are truly over him don't worry about it. Thats my opinion anyway.
     
  3. Trebor152

    Trebor152 New Member

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    Thats a great response, thanks.
     
  4. helgaleena

    Gold Member

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    Yes, it is a great response! When I fantasize about some celebrity or similar, it doesn't count as being unfaithful. Nor does fantasizing about a past partner. They are not reality.
     
  5. borntobeking

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    Everyone has already said it. You can't blame yourself for your fanatasy life. It is perfectly normal. Heck sometimes when I am having sex with my wife I have found myself fantasizing about someone else. If I am a realist, I am pretty sure she has done it too. No problems there. Sounds like youf found a great relationship and you are committed to being faithful. I commend you.
     
  6. Trebor152

    Trebor152 New Member

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    Well thanks for the responses. I guess ive been beating myself up because of how repetatitive it is and the fact that i had / have feelings for the guy. Anyway, they are starting to subside now...
     
  7. azladd

    azladd Active Member

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    As others have said, nothing wrong with fantasies. The only thing I would add to that is to make sure you don't lose sight of reality either. Ive seen too many relationships fail because people were more caught up and attracted to their fantasies. As a result some people set false expectations based on the fantasies they have of other people or past memories.
     
  8. helgaleena

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    Good point. Make the most of your new situation and crowd out the old fantasies with brand new ones!
     
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