With your belonging to a church, I find it appropriate to mention that I have taken off my shoes because I am standing on holy ground!
Not sure if you've crossed paths with my other encyclopedias, here's a summary of some of my experiences and the life changing lessons that I gained.
I grew up in a household of a single mom and only sisters, so till today the whole macho role always crashes above my head. At school I was always called insulting terms related to homosexuality.
The homophobe in me had been born and grew to greater levels on a daily basis.
I'm Catholic (okay everyone, you can climb back onto your seats), and eventually decided to go to seminary. I learnt that all religious leaders are human and are prone to make mistakes...even prone to be utter scum buckets (to my horror)
One of my lecturers was a self righteous, hypocritical bastard that didn't display a shred of holiness. We clashed constantly.
One of the rules in the church is that if seminarians are caught having a homosexual relationship, they get expelled immediately. Fuck Nut spread rumours that my one of my friends and I were lovers, and because I'm not Mr. macho, everyone believed it.
We were turned into lepers overnight. Nobody would eat at the same table etc. the thing that brought the most pain to me, was that I was experiencing the attitudes and treatment that I so gladly dished out to others.
Luckily the priest's attempts failed and we weren't kicked out. From that experience I learnt that I am enough. I do not need anyone to validate my worth. I would rather have one friend that can accept me warts and all, than have hundreds, but need to constantly live up their standards in order to be valued and accepted.
The following year I became friends with a guy that had a destructive childhood. His parents died when he was young, he was raised by his uncle and when he was about ten, was then rented out to his uncle's male friends.
He had lived a life where he felt dirty, like a boil on the body of life...and worst of all, he didn't know what his sexual identity was. Because of everything I had gone through, he blessed me by turning to me for confidence and support.
Around the time that all of this happened, we went on a course called Sexuality and Human Development - a psychological approach. The thing that has stayed with me, was when we were told that within every man is a certain level of bisexuality...it may be miniscule or it may be huge, but its there. Which is why men are more homophobic than women. why are men afraid to be picked up by a man, but never have that fear towards women? Subconsciously they know that they may end up allowing the guy to have his way...and may just enjoy it!
Needless to say that homophobia was more rife than ever, and gay bashing became a hobby. There were times when the look in my friend's eye's was like that of a deer trapped in the headlights of an oncoming truck. This image still haunts me today. It crushes my spirit and brings tears to my eyes. It is during such moments as that, when I am ashamed to profess my Christianity.
Within a few weeks of that experience, I left seminary. Though not all leaders are like that, I refused to either stand on a pulpit and be a hypocrite, nor could I associate myself with people like that.
From that experience I learnt that so often religion is turned into an idol, the rules outweigh the God.
Christ's biggest emphasis was on love. Religion is called to be a temple of love, not a courthouse of judgement.
The Holy Spirit is a Spirit of love and unity. whenever you encounter division, its a sign of false gods...look at the division amongst Christians.
When they try the guilt trip approach of "but the Bible says that we are Temples of the Holy Spirit", my response is, "instead of judging me how about worshipping the Divine that rests in me." Anyone can take a sentence from the Bible and make it suit their purpose.
The God that I love and I worship is a loving God. The greatest images of God in the Bible for me is:
Before Moses gets the ten commandments, God reveals himself as "The God, the God of mercy, of compassion, abounding in love etc." The Classical Hebrew translation is "Adonai, Adonai El Rahum" which when translated according to the ancient Jewish sages means "The Lord, the Lord, God like a womens womb." In an ideal world, where women don't need abortions, there aren't unwanted pregnancy, you'll find the meaning of God.
The second image, is when the Israelites are wandering in the desert and start to lose faith. God tells Moses, "remember when I brought you out of Egypt, how I bore you on eagles wings." If we slow down a bit, and instead of reading passages, absorb sentences...and reflect on what we are reading, one may ask, "why is God choosing an eagle? why not a sparrow in his image? There is a reason for that choice. The eagle teaches its young to fly, by carrying them on its back. it will drop them and leave them to plummet, but when it senses that they aren't able to fly, will swoop beneath them and pick them up. Also, it is one of the highest flying birds which means that when they are carrying their young nothing can really attack them from above. the attacker will need to get through the body of the parent in order to get to them ie God would rather die before harm comes to us.
From that I believe that God doesn't just cast us aside. This has created my own beliefs on the meaning of hell. I don't believe that there is a hell when we die. i believe that there is a hell when we live, and that we create it for ourselves and for others.
I'm not trying to Bible punch you or anyone else. i can sense that you are a person of faith, i hope my own convictions were able to either strengthen your own, or encourage you to decide on your own vision of God and what the true meaning of your religion is.
Despite all that I said, I am still a practicing Catholic. I have learnt not to take things of faith at face value, find out for yourself.
I opted to study Biblical studies, Biblical Archaeology, Judaica and Classical Hebrew, at a secular university so that I could gain unbiased knowledge. I wanted to know more about the human Jesus that had blisters on his feet, took a dump and hung out with sinners.
I am still Catholic because it is a faith that I find is closest to my own religious beliefs and convictions. Though its role is only to be my sounding board as I strive to live my life and worship according to how I believe is most pleasing to God.
Now that I have addressed that dimension of your post, time to move on...
In or out the closet? I have no right to advise you...only you are wearing your shoes and will have to face the consequences. its a decision that only you can discover for yourself... Be assured though, that along the way, you will grow and be a better, braver you... Which will make you more pleasing to God, you will be true to the Divinity that rests within you.
What that means is that YOU are ENOUGH! You don't need friends or religion to make you whole...they are just as fractured... and two halves in that aspect cannot make a whole. Only you and God can make you whole, God aint broken and he is already in you. It rests with you to make yourself complete, the good news is that you are everything you need, and you have all of us to support you.
Have a look at my preference at the top of my post. And then there is my user name as well. What do you visualise? A guy that either bats for both teams, wants to do so, or is curious to do so. If those are any of your answers you are wrong. hehehe
I grew up with women, and that has rubbed off on me...I embrace it and am proud to acknowledge that. If it enables me to be sensitive enough, to build people up, heal wounds, comfort others and strive to be a better and more complete version of me, then I have truly lived life to the full.
I embrace homosexuality with as much love and respect as I would heterosexuality. One is not above the other, they are different truths for different people and thats great. It frees me to live my life according to my own set of values and principles.
I don't mind if you call me gay, bi, straight it means all the same to me...best of all, call me friend so I know that I have lived up to what I've been called to be!
I hope you don't feel that I took your thread and made it about me. I have learnt that if I share about myself, as opposed to address you, it prevents me from making you feel judged, preached to etc. Above all else, it prevents me from being a hypocrite because I am preaching what I practice. I am speaking about events, not ideas, prejudices etc.
My only concern, and I'm saying this from a place where I am standing in your shoes. If I were gay, and I stayed in the closet, the way that I would read into it (bear in mind you aren't me, so your perceptions may differ) would be that I am hiding it because I'm ashamed of it. My shame would tell me that there is something bad or wrong with being gay. If I then accept that I am gay, that would mean that I am ashamed of myself and thus, that there is something bad or wrong with me. In my world, I'd be destroying myself by hiding it, more, than if they knew. You need to discover what your real world, and values, and faith tells you. i can't, because I am not you...thank heavens - otherwise there'd be two people that write such lengthy posts.
I speak to you with much love and concern. I weep that in the midst of your confusion, you aren't able to see that God is looking down on you and telling his angels "he's mine. He's my child"...and when your final moment on earth passes, and you see your maker face to face, you will be deafened by the applause in heaven...with God clapping the loudest of all!
God love you and be with you, you wonderful, sacred, unrepeatable gift to all of humanity!
