Stranger Danger!

[pinkpineapples]

Okay, so something occurred to me today. How do you approach people who are complete strangers, with the intention or hope to hangout, date, whatever? My friend and I were people watching at work today, and I saw a few guys that I found interest in and I am completely and utterly NOT skilled in social behavior. I was talking to my friend today (the crush from my previous posts) and he finds it odd that I can't just walk up to someone and ask. I mean, in my honest opinion..I don't think he gets how much harder it is to approach someone with the HOPE that they're gay, and they're not. With him, he walks up to a girl and they're interested or not. My approach comes with Yes/No, Hate/Sincerity. Or something like that.

How do you walk up to someone and find out if they're interested? Well more importantly, how do you walk up to someone if you have no clue if they're gay or straight, or whatever in between??? How incredibly awkward it would be to walk up to some guy and he push you around and call you a fag or whatever else. - Perhaps this fear stems from the slight abuse I incurred in school. - Granted, I understand we are now adults, this is 2011 and people are more understanding....but all it takes is 1 person.

I just don't see how I'm ever going to meet anyone if I'm afraid to walk up and talk to them, however, I don't know how to determine if interacting will be favorable? Maybe I'm not expressing myself correctly, I don't know. Mostly I just want to scream lol. I feel stupid and pathetic for asking all these stupid questions and acting like I'm some 15 y/o school girl...I just didn't get to work through this kind of stuff in adolescence. It was more about hiding and staying out of people's ways, to keep myself safe (or the feeling there-in).

So yeah, the basic question is: How can I approach someone, hoping for anything, without coming off weird...plus finding out if the gay is a no go or not? *deep breath* Did that make sense? I reread 3 times lol. I am so lost in all of this, I don't know whether to run around screaming or bury myself in my pillows and blankets and cry. I just don't know what to do or how to do it..

Thanks guys/gals. Sigh <3

 

[Thirdlegproduction]

I guess you should work on an opener, what helps is picking a subject related to the moment or the person. and a lot of people will tell you to be direct and that is true but not with words, you should find a way with words that will make your intentions clear but with a way out when it is not received with positive effect.

 

[Thirdlegproduction]

and the best way is the scariest way and that is to just do it to regular people who you dont necessarily want but they are just practice material so you can work on your game.

 

[pinkpineapples]

I guess you should work on an opener, what helps is picking a subject related to the moment or the person. and a lot of people will tell you to be direct and that is true but not with words, you should find a way with words that will make your intentions clear but with a way out when it is not received with positive effect.

lol that's some jedi mind shit right there. I have no idea how to do that and I would be a bumbling idiot! lol Uh uh..so, um...Hello. Um, hi. *stupid laugh here* Um

 

[sykray]

I don't think that you should approach someone with the express purpose of asking them on a date or to have sex with you (outside a gay situation - bar, club, etc). You need to make your approach one in which you are offering friendship with no strings. If it emerges that he is interested in a more romantic or sexual development later on then you can explore that.

I was going to suggest that approaching an attractive man need not be any different to approaching a woman to make friends but you claim to be socially inept so that remark isn't very helpful to you.

 

[pinkpineapples]

I don't think that you should approach someone with the express purpose of asking them on a date or to have sex with you (outside a gay situation - bar, club, etc). You need to make your approach one in which you are offering friendship with no strings. If it emerges that he is interested in a more romantic or sexual development later on then you can explore that.

I was going to suggest that approaching an attractive man need not be any different to approaching a woman to make friends but you claim to be socially inept so that remark isn't very helpful to you.

Yeah, very inept lol. I try to avoid gay bars. My aunt dragged me into one awhile back and the entire time, I felt like a piece of ass lol. Nothing more. So, okay...approach as a friend. Is it not weird just walking up to a guy that I see, say...GameStop or Barnes & Noble? I imagine I could try to bring up something about a game/book...To me, I think it would feel so weird to go up to a guy I don't know and just start talking to him. lol

Someone come to VA and be a mentor lol

 

[willow78]

I hear ya, man! I'm in the same situation so I don't have any advice. I'm a very shy, sensitive person and self-conscious about my looks which makes it even more difficult. Not knowing whether he is gay or not is definitely my stumbling block. It's the fear of a very negative reaction - a straight guy can chat up a girl and the worst that could happen is "FUCK OFF, CREEP!" but when you are gay and chat up a guy who turns out to be VERY straight and VERY homophobic, he could beat the shit out of you. I know that's an extreme reaction, but I'm an extreme person.....

I suppose I could go to gay bars (if I lived near any) but I get the impression that most people go there really just for 'cruising' rather than making friends which is what I'm looking for to start with.....

I have a real fear that I will never meet anyone and will always be alone. I'm 32 and still a virgin and I get a very horrible feeling that it will never change.

The great thing about LPSG is that nearly everyone has their sexuality in their profiles so I know who I can e-flirt with and complimenting their galleries makes a great opener. There are a few straight guys I've complimented on but I've never tried to bug them for anything more. I have made quite a few gay friends here, a couple of them I've had quite deep conversations with. The only drawback is I'm in Australia and all the guys I'm attracted to are on the other side of the world! So it looks like I still have plenty more years of crying into my pillow while humping into my mattress!

I try not to get too miserable about it - there's more to life than being in a relationship with someone - but I do get very lonely and it's hard to not give up hope. Especially at my age. 30's are an awkward stage - it's still a bit too early to expect to be in THE relationship, but I should have had SOMETHING by now!

 

[B_subgirrl]

Willow and PP, why don't you guys join a gay dating site? You won't have to wonder if they're gay, and you can select 'for friendship' if that's all you want.

 

[nudeyorker]

Well when I was single I would just tell people that I could touch my nose with my tongue.
Failing that you just need to learn how to flirt. My number one best strategy was going to a store and if I saw someone cute I would go up to them and say.... "I'm buying a present for someone and I think they are just your size and weight... do you mind if I hold this up to you to see if it's the right size?" You let your hands linger a little here and there and if their eyes light up... you say... "You have have the most beautiful eyes, they look like they are on fire... you have been such a big help can I buy you a cup of coffee?"

You just have to take a chance sometimes... ask someone for directions to the closest post office... just wing it and relax and smile.

 

[willow78]

Willow and PP, why don't you guys join a gay dating site? You won't have to wonder if they're gay, and you can select 'for friendship' if that's all you want.

I have joined a gay internet dating site but I'm too cheap to go premium - I recently 'winked' at someone but I can't message him. Plus I need to update my profile with pictures. I'm far too lazy to keep check of it - I set it up in 2007 and last week was the first time I'd logged in since then. Plus any guy who meets my interests/preferences seems to live too far away from me.

I know all of the above is just 'excuses, excuses'.....

Well when I was single I would just tell people that I could touch my nose with my tongue.
Failing that you just need to learn how to flirt. My number one best strategy was going to a store and if I saw someone cute I would go up to them and say.... "I'm buying a present for someone and I think they are just your size and weight... do you mind if I hold this up to you to see if it's the right size?" You let your hands linger a little here and there and if their eyes light up... you say... "You have have the most beautiful eyes, they look like they are on fire... you have been such a big help can I buy you a cup of coffee?"

You just have to take a chance sometimes... ask someone for directions to the closest post office... just wing it and relax and smile.

I have tried the 'present for someone' approach, they were NOT impressed and got very angry - perhaps a dildo was the wrong gift to try.....:biggrin1:

 

[B_subgirrl]

I know all of the above is just 'excuses, excuses'.....

Yep :biggrin1:

 

[pinkpineapples]

I hear ya, man! I'm in the same situation so I don't have any advice .... ..... it's still a bit too early to expect to be in THE relationship, but I should have had SOMETHING by now!

I honestly don't think I could do it that long, so I have to give props to you for that. I am so miserable because I am soooo the hopeless romantic and i soooo want to swoon and be swooned. I know its all very stupid and whatnot, but I want to wake up in the morning and open my eyes to someone laying there watching me. Just because they care. And mostly, I want to feel wanted, and needed...and loved. Not sure if people misconstrue my intentions as Sex Related, because its not that. Yes, I would love to get down and dirty lol...but more so, I just want to feel like I matter to someone who doesn't just care cause I'm family.

And it doesn't necessarily have to be intimate relationship-wise. I want the closeness that comes from friendship as well. I pretty much have 3-4 friends who aren't family. And I only see 1 regularly, and that's because I work with him. No one I'm close with, except one from school and she moved to FL. so yeah. Everyone else that I was EXTREMELY close to in HS ditched me, but I won't go into that because I'd rather not relive that pain lol.

Willow and PP, why don't you guys join a gay dating site? You won't have to wonder if they're gay, and you can select 'for friendship' if that's all you want.

I would do that, but these premiums to just send a message are ridiculous. Pay to find love in the first place...meh. Akin to pimping lol. Good pimping, but still. I dunno. =) Just don't care for the idea of paying to find someone.

Well when I was single I would just tell people that I could touch my nose with my tongue.
Failing that you just need to learn how to flirt. My number one best strategy was going to a store and if I saw someone cute I would go up to them and say.... "I'm buying a present for someone and I think they are just your size and weight... do you mind if I hold this up to you to see if it's the right size?" You let your hands linger a little here and there and if their eyes light up... you say... "You have have the most beautiful eyes, they look like they are on fire... you have been such a big help can I buy you a cup of coffee?"

You just have to take a chance sometimes... ask someone for directions to the closest post office... just wing it and relax and smile.

I can barely walk up to someone and say hi. Flirting is like...what? I wouldn't even begin to know how lol. It sounds so easy reading the words, like I could go out and do it. But when I think about doing it.. Just feel like I could probably die lol. I really wish I was outgoing and extroverted like some of the people I know (friend from work, -boicrush-), I just don't know HOW to be. Not without worrying what people think of me or whatever.

Oh and I have this thing, I hate it about myself. I can't look people in the eye for very long. I will keep eye contact with you, as long as I can look away every so often. I feel very judged, almost attacked...like 'why are you looking at me'.

*hiding behind a screen name allows me to put this all out there, yay anonymity.

I just really don't want this to get so out of control that I miss out on so much. I want to live some piece of life while I have it. I don't want to die and feel like I never got to love someone and actually have them return that, ya know? Be it a truly great friend or the love of a lifetime.

 

[B_subgirrl]

And it doesn't necessarily have to be intimate relationship-wise. I want the closeness that comes from friendship as well. I pretty much have 3-4 friends who aren't family. And I only see 1 regularly, and that's because I work with him. No one I'm close with, except one from school and she moved to FL. so yeah. Everyone else that I was EXTREMELY close to in HS ditched me, but I won't go into that because I'd rather not relive that pain lol.

I find this strange because I have 2-3 close friends in RL who aren't family, and that's quite enough for me. I would find it frustrating to have more. i guess it just shows the differences between people.

If you're looking for friends you could try getting involved in some groups linked to interests you have. You're bound to make friends then, and you may even find yourself a partner.

I would do that, but these premiums to just send a message are ridiculous. Pay to find love in the first place...meh. Akin to pimping lol. Good pimping, but still. I dunno. =) Just don't care for the idea of paying to find someone.

I believe there are many free sites out there.

Oh and I have this thing, I hate it about myself. I can't look people in the eye for very long. I will keep eye contact with you, as long as I can look away every so often. I feel very judged, almost attacked...like 'why are you looking at me'.

Extended eye contact is not normal anyway. We're SUPPOSED to look away occasionally.

I just really don't want this to get so out of control that I miss out on so much. I want to live some piece of life while I have it. I don't want to die and feel like I never got to love someone and actually have them return that, ya know? Be it a truly great friend or the love of a lifetime.

If you are really, really concerned, have you thought about seeing a therapist of some kind?

 

[willow78]

I honestly don't think I could do it that long, so I have to give props to you for that. I am so miserable because I am soooo the hopeless romantic and i soooo want to swoon and be swooned. I know its all very stupid and whatnot, but I want to wake up in the morning and open my eyes to someone laying there watching me. Just because they care. And mostly, I want to feel wanted, and needed...and loved. Not sure if people misconstrue my intentions as Sex Related, because its not that. Yes, I would love to get down and dirty lol...but more so, I just want to feel like I matter to someone who doesn't just care cause I'm family.

And it doesn't necessarily have to be intimate relationship-wise. I want the closeness that comes from friendship as well. I pretty much have 3-4 friends who aren't family. And I only see 1 regularly, and that's because I work with him. No one I'm close with, except one from school and she moved to FL. so yeah. Everyone else that I was EXTREMELY close to in HS ditched me, but I won't go into that because I'd rather not relive that pain lol.

I would do that, but these premiums to just send a message are ridiculous. Pay to find love in the first place...meh. Akin to pimping lol. Good pimping, but still. I dunno. =) Just don't care for the idea of paying to find someone.

I can barely walk up to someone and say hi. Flirting is like...what? I wouldn't even begin to know how lol. It sounds so easy reading the words, like I could go out and do it. But when I think about doing it.. Just feel like I could probably die lol. I really wish I was outgoing and extroverted like some of the people I know (friend from work, -boicrush-), I just don't know HOW to be. Not without worrying what people think of me or whatever.

Oh and I have this thing, I hate it about myself. I can't look people in the eye for very long. I will keep eye contact with you, as long as I can look away every so often. I feel very judged, almost attacked...like 'why are you looking at me'.

*hiding behind a screen name allows me to put this all out there, yay anonymity.

I just really don't want this to get so out of control that I miss out on so much. I want to live some piece of life while I have it. I don't want to die and feel like I never got to love someone and actually have them return that, ya know? Be it a truly great friend or the love of a lifetime.

I said it before and I'll say it again, I totally hear ya! Everything you've written about how you feel is the same as what I'm feeling. Hopeless romantic, looking for more than just sex, waking up next to that person, lover and friend in one, avoiding eye contact, feeling like I'm missing out and never really 'living', hiding behind a screen-name/internet anonymity. I have photos up now so I'm not really 'hiding' anymore but it was three years before I posted any pics and it was such a nerve-wracking thing for me to do.....

I try not to obsess about it too much because I think it's very unhealthy to rely on another person for my happiness. Wanting to be close with certain person/people is a natural instinct but when those needs go unfulfilled and they start to take over my whole life.....it's not good.

I'm in a tricky situation because as much as I want someone special, I like being off in my own little world. I'm not very out-going, I don't drink so I don't hang out in bars. The only time I go out is when I'm shopping and even then I just focus on my shopping, I don't take any notice of the people around me. I'm quite happy in my bubble but I still crave that ONE person. I don't really care for a big social life with lots of friends, I just want someone to share my bubble with. I need someone with a similar introverted personality like mine. So how does someone who never goes out, meet someone who never goes out, if they never go out?

YouTube - The Man I Love (Kate Bush)

 

[amanigirl]

Okay, so something occurred to me today. How do you approach people who are complete strangers, with the intention or hope to hangout, date, whatever? My friend and I were people watching at work today, and I saw a few guys that I found interest in and I am completely and utterly NOT skilled in social behavior. I was talking to my friend today (the crush from my previous posts) and he finds it odd that I can't just walk up to someone and ask. I mean, in my honest opinion..I don't think he gets how much harder it is to approach someone with the HOPE that they're gay, and they're not. With him, he walks up to a girl and they're interested or not. My approach comes with Yes/No, Hate/Sincerity. Or something like that.

How do you walk up to someone and find out if they're interested? Well more importantly, how do you walk up to someone if you have no clue if they're gay or straight, or whatever in between??? How incredibly awkward it would be to walk up to some guy and he push you around and call you a fag or whatever else. - Perhaps this fear stems from the slight abuse I incurred in school. - Granted, I understand we are now adults, this is 2011 and people are more understanding....but all it takes is 1 person.

I just don't see how I'm ever going to meet anyone if I'm afraid to walk up and talk to them, however, I don't know how to determine if interacting will be favorable? Maybe I'm not expressing myself correctly, I don't know. Mostly I just want to scream lol. I feel stupid and pathetic for asking all these stupid questions and acting like I'm some 15 y/o school girl...I just didn't get to work through this kind of stuff in adolescence. It was more about hiding and staying out of people's ways, to keep myself safe (or the feeling there-in).

So yeah, the basic question is: How can I approach someone, hoping for anything, without coming off weird...plus finding out if the gay is a no go or not? *deep breath* Did that make sense? I reread 3 times lol. I am so lost in all of this, I don't know whether to run around screaming or bury myself in my pillows and blankets and cry. I just don't know what to do or how to do it..

Thanks guys/gals. Sigh <3

That's awful that you fear the reaction would be so harsh. My bf is into working out and gets approached a lot by girls and guys. I know his general reaction if it's a guy is "Sorry, I'm not gay." If they get all apologetic he usually responds with "I'm not offended or anything. No worries." And that's usually the end of it. I can't believe people still freak out over this in 2011

 

[nudeyorker]

pinkpineapples all you need to get you moving in the right direction is a shot of self confidence. I think one of the best things you could do for yourself right now is to look into taking a public speaking class. Completing a program like this would help your confidence and poise. You will be amazed at how much differently you see yourself and how others view you.

 

[NCbear]

I was just thinking the same thing; there's a group called "Toastmasters" that helps with public speaking.

At some universities, too, there's a class called "Acting for Non-Majors" that makes you get up on stage--with or without the rest of the students in the class--and do all sorts of funny/crazy/stupid things, just to get you over the fear of "how do I look" and "I must look stupid doing this." Several shy friends in college took this class, and it helped them immeasurably.

After all, it teaches you that the worst that can happen is you can look stupid for a moment. It also teaches you how to laugh at yourself and how to let those fears roll off you like water off a duck's back.

Strangely enough, even though I'm usually tremendously shy, when I've been single and noticed a guy who interests me, I haven't had a problem walking up to him and making my interest known. Sometimes I've said something a bit self-deprecating like "I know this'll sound like a line, but . . . ." Other times, I've said, "I hope you're gay, because I think you're really interesting."

Yeah, a couple of times guys have decided that they were offended by my no-nonsense approach, but I'm tall and deep-voiced and hairy-chested, so they didn't really do much except bluster. (Perhaps because they were shocked, right? )

My current man and I first saw each other as I was entering and he was leaving the YMCA. As we told each other later, we were both sure the other person was a straight man. However, I knew I at least wanted to get to know him as a friend, so a few days later when I saw him alone in the group showers, I walked up to him (yes, naked!) and stuck my hand out and said, "Hi, I'm <NCbear>. I've seen you around. What's your name?" And yes, even though he was completely shocked, he shook my hand. :tongue: A few minutes later, I realized that he must be gay, too, since his eyes were constantly going somewhere else other than my face.

NCbear (who's sometimes amused by my own lack of fear and/or complete brashness in walking up to people who interest me, considering how introverted I am normally)

 

[pinkpineapples]

I think I would faint or possibly die if I had to do a public speaking thing. I hate being in front of people. Omg no lol. I just need to get over myself and stop being stupid. I need to just stop caring what people fuckin think of me and grow up already. Of course I can say all this because I'm drunk right now lol. Tried to make myself forget the boi I'm infatuated with, but its not working very well and he asked me to tell him what's wrong cause I texted him, and I want to tell him so bad, but I'm not THAT drunk to ruin everything. Siiiigh.

Unbreak my heart</3

 

[pinkpineapples]

I find this strange because I have 2-3 close friends in RL who aren't family, and that's quite enough for me. I would find it frustrating to have more. i guess it just shows the differences between people.

If you're looking for friends you could try getting involved in some groups linked to interests you have. You're bound to make friends then, and you may even find yourself a partner.

I believe there are many free sites out there.

Extended eye contact is not normal anyway. We're SUPPOSED to look away occasionally.

If you are really, really concerned, have you thought about seeing a therapist of some kind?

Okay, so only 1 of these friends I mentioned are 'close' and I only speak with her through email...and I'm lucky if that's once a week. The other is work related (crush...we're branching out into friendship now), and 2 others that I see maybe once a month. So I lack the steady friendship factor.

I have not found a GOOD gay dating site, that's free, that has people in my area.

I think I should at least be able to look at someone for more than 3 seconds. Or when someone looks at me when I'm walking down the mall, and I happen to catch their eye, I don't immediately look away. And i'm talking instantaneous.

And a therapist would be awesome, however I am broke lol. As to why I have enlisted the help of you all !

 

[wallaboi]

I have always been quite a shy person and not really one to initiate conversation, however I have learned some skills over the years to get over this. I suppose this is probably my main point...you can learn, and you can teach yourself interpersonal skills, even if this is not a natural part of your personality. Fortunately, it also seems that a large part of the population is quite outgoing and talkative...you only have to make yourself approachable and receptive to interaction. Be quick to say hi and flash a smile!