superficial dissatisfaction

[littledumdum]

Longtime lurker first time poster.
The classic relationship dilemma, superficial dissatisfaction.
I want more sex, a lot more.


Let me give you the specs. Not really sure what type of advice I am expecting, or wanting. I read through the “how much/how often” threads and became very jealous and angry.

A little demo background, average early thirties, educated middle management suburbanites, two kids, two cars, cats, boat load of debt, decent taxable income, spend too much on good food and good drink.
I deeply love my wife. She is my friend, I trust her. I love her laugh. She is an excellent mother. She is the engine that keeps our household running.
She is radiant, getting better every single day. 5-9” sz18 with a nice donk. Natural blonde with a smile and eyes that will make a man explode. An extremely lovely intoxicating woman with soft skin and a very nice feminine shape. Physically I do not deserve her.

I love her and I lust for her, I fantasize about her touch constantly.
While she was not my first, she was the first to enjoy it and get buck wild. I heard quite a few compliments back then, she even shared with a few friends. I was king of the castle, for a while.

I knew this would happen before I married her. I had a brief tryst with an assistant who told me I was not going to be happy. We have been married for almost seven years now, children for the last four. Major major complications with the first childbirth caused some issues but we have worked through it. Complications have caused my physical capacity not quite have the same impact as it once did, so I have suggested larger reinforcements perhaps, not well received.

I try different approaches and tactics. I try to treat her like a hot girlfriend instead of a common house wife. Dinners and dates, vacations and rendezvous have no effect. There is always something else on her mind. The house or the next birthday or the preschool pageant, there is always something else to do with the time and her mind. Sex has become forced and I feel she is resentful, the current drought is over three months. Over the holiday weekend I took five days off, pulled out just about every trick I know ranging from clean bathrooms and breakfast in bed to salon trips and sprees, nothing.

I have become quite jaded towards marriage over the last year. My advice has changed from “it’s cool” to “don’t” for brothers and friends. We talk about it probably every six months to a year, ends defensively with tears and no resolution. I have overheard her joking with friends about get it at home or get it elsewhere and her response was “he would never do that”.

And I don’t want to.

But the fucking dissatisfaction almost has me physically ill. I can’t get over it. I work in a chic neighborhood and am exposed to lovely women constantly. My crush barfriender admitted in a moment weakness that the only thing preventing me from her bed was the ring on my finger. I had a woman sit next to me during lunch and strike up a conversation. I did not have my ring on that day due to mechanical chores over the weekend. She point blank called me attractive and asked if we could have a drink. That was nice, but also painful to hear and serve as a reminder of the dim but remaining existence of game. I declined, told her I was married and have been kicking myself in the balls ever since. Yesterday, a woman asked if I would mind walking her back to her hotel room. Of course I did the gentlemanly thing and walked with her, giving a quick tour of the neighborhood, stuck my hand out at the elevator offering a casual farewell and she replied with a shunned look and an ice cold “that’s it?”

Yes, sorry honey it's me not you, that’s it.

This type of perceived opportunity and my smug moralistic superior decision has happened more than I want to admit.

So what’s the simple answer? Hookers? A girlfriend? A boyfriend? Swinging? Divorce? Just wait it out?

Stress is killing me at work. I feed my kids and the homeless, I pay my taxes and mortgage, I am giving effort and maintaining the proper attitude. I would really really like to get laid once a week or so.

I won’t hurt her, or destroy my family, but I am 31 and unhappy. What will the next 30 years be like?



Looks like marriage is a popular topic this afternoon.......

 

[molotovmuffin]

You should sit down and have this conversation with her. Put it all on the line. Almost every woman I know has waned in personal sex appeal/desire after child birth. Duration depends on the woman. She will get her lusty ways back, can you wait? If not, then tell her.

 

[hsarge]

Hey, the guy cleaned the bathrooms. Most women would either faint or go down on him right there.

 

[molotovmuffin]

Hey, the guy cleaned the bathrooms. Most women would either faint or go down on him right there.

You're joking, right?

 

[hsarge]

Ahhhh, yessssss!

 

[monel]

OP, based on what you have said, it is not you with the dissatisfaction it is her. Sure you are sexually unfulfilled at the moment but that is a symptom of what is troubling your wife. Seems to me you are deeply in love with your wife and were she satisfying you, you would not be tempted elsewhere. So what is it that is causing her to retreat? This is what you need to address and until you do, no amount of toilet cleaning will cure what ails her.

 

[molotovmuffin]

Well....did you talk with her?

 

[johnlucas-1]

Either she takes responsibility for her lack of affection or you divorce her. Plain & simple.

This is yet another example of how incomplete sexology is today. These are biological medical issues & everyone's trying behavioral methods to reverse the tide. When women get pregnant their hormones go all out of wack. That's fine. It's nature.
But once they discover this it's up to the women take responsibility to get their hormones back in order.

Three months without sex is utterly ridiculous unless she's got a debilitating illness or injury.
This religion, this myth of love people glom onto keeps them from using their heads.
If she doesn't feel it's necessary to return affection, then you HAVE no sexual relationship. You are now just a companion.
If you don't want to be a companion, let her know how vital & possibly final this is.
And if you think sticking around for the kids is the answer, your kids are going to pick up on the subtle (& later not-so-subtle) resentments you direct toward her. They will learn bad habits in how to view the opposite sex & grow up with this garbage information.

Give her one more chance to change or cut out of this dying relationship.
Both men & women have a DUTY to reciprocate affection & desire toward each other in a relationship. Nothing is automatic.
The body is chaotic & things go out of wack. But you have to be willing to put it back in order when they do.

You can't wait 30 more years.

And it's possible that your sex drives are incompatible at this point in time. If that's the case, stick around & get sex from her when you can then have some kind of sexual outlet for the rest of your libido. Porn. Or an outside partner if your relationship can handle that (most likely not).

This is a real issue & sexual education is so poor in this land that people don't take it as seriously as they should.
The rest of the stuff is extra credit. At the core of a "romantic" relationship is sex.
Either you keep her for the rest of what she does & recognize yourselves as companions. You both do your best to match sex drives. Or you break up.

That's all that can be said.
John Lucas

 

[poultrygeist]

There is absolutely positively something seriously physically and/or mentally wrong when either partner's sex drive is reduced to every 3 months or so. It is not normal to have such a strong decline. Whether it is the result of having kids or not enough time, this is simply a symptom of a much larger problem.

Men tend to think that simply having a weekend of helping out around the house or by cleaning the bathroom once is going to fix the larger picture. Maybe, maybe not, but the bigger picture is not being seen here.

I would absolutely avoid any kind of ultimatum talks. Giving her a "put out or else" solves nothing. Expecting her to get in the mood because you're demanding it is the same as someone holding a gun to your crotch and telling you to get a hard on or they pull the trigger. Plus an ultimatum might make her feel like all you care about is sex. I'm not saying that's what you feel or think, but that's how it could be interpreted. Avoid. And I wouldn't even bring up the possibility of having an affair or looking at porn. She might take that as a slap in the face against her femininity and it could even possibly be used against you later on.

I would recommend doing exactly as molotovmuffin said and talk to her about it. If you can't come up with a resolution, don't threaten cheating or even suggest it, ask her if you both can do some counseling therapy to help uncover the root causes.

Now if she refuses to go to therapy after your repeated attempts to ask her to go, then go alone for counseling to help you at least adapt to the situation (and wherever that takes you). In the very least, she would probably be curious as to what you're learning from therapy (which of course you would never tell her so that maybe she can get curious and go herself).

Think about reverse psychology as well. If suddenly you are no longer seeking sex from her, and acting like you're happy no matter what, then she might be wondering what's wrong that you're happy and not asking for sex. This might prompt her to bring up the topic for discussion. So in the very least, if nothing else, I would stop approaching her for sex and act as if you're just as happy as you ever were and that there's nothing wrong.

 

[HJ1958]

I think this may really be a biological/physical issue. It sound like your wife has a very low testosterone level. My partner has now been on a testosterone treatment program for the past 6-8 months. I can't tell you what a difference it has made in her sex drive, therefore in our sex life. We had fallen into the slump of having sex every few weeks at best. Now we have sex two or three times a week, sometimes even more. Not only is the sex more frequent, but her orgasmic responses are much more intense. We are acting like we are in our 20's!!

You really owe it to yourself and your marriage to look into this. Good luck!!

 

[dolfette]

with two kids under four?? it is a lot more normal than you think!

yes, it can take years for a woman to get her sexuality back after having children. you say there were major complications with the first birth... and there's been another birth since. you say it's been worked through but maybe it hasn't.

this is a pretty common trick mother nature pulls on a lot of women. you've two very young children, nature knows she can only support, feed and protect so many kids at a time, so nature reduces the risk of more kids by killing off her sex drive.

also, the biggest turn off is pressure. even if you don't feel you're applying it, she probably knows she's disappointing you and it feels like pressure. think of her sexuality like a wild bird you want to eat from your hand... go to grab it and it will take twice as long to return.

as you say yourself, the 'kind' things you do for her are 'tricks in the book'. every time you do something nice now she knows/thinks you're just angling for sex. whenever you pick up a duster, her stomach will sink. it's a horrible feeling. you need to do these things and then not try to collect on them for a while. let her relax again. when she stops fretting about having too then there's a chance she might want to.

does she seem tired? stressed? unhappy? these factors all add to the death of a new mom's sex drive. is her health good? her diet? is her mental health good in other ways? ...you speak a lot of your dissatisfaction but don't really mention these.

you mention suggesting larger reinforcements? do you mean that you suggested using a bigger dildo or penis sleeve since the birth? it wasn't clear... if so, she would likely take that as you thinking she's stretch out from childbirth. i'd be turned off and wary of sex if i thought my lover was thinking about me that way.

when you do have sex, is it the long 'i want to pleasure you' deal? because she might not still want that. it might be less intimidating if she was facing a ten minute quickie instead of a marathon.

but seriously, you and half the other guys with several kids under the age of four. it should get better. it'll get better sooner if she doesn't feel pressured.

...if you give it a real shot and none of this works? well then you'll have to have a think about your future. therapy helps some couples.

 

[LPSGeezer]

Since she did have a tough child birth and dolfette touches on this, sex leads to kids, kids lead to difficult pregnancy possibly, so this sounds like it is both physical and psychological. The main thing to do is to communicate to each other and ask questions. Then go and get help from a professional sex therapist/counselor. You can't afford to second guess anything, you have too much on the line. You love her deeply and you owe the both of you this chance. I would also look into hormone replacement therapy, it could be that simple.
I wish the both of you many years of great sex and a wonderful life together but you have to communicate and go and seek help.

 

[helgaleena]

Can't you do other things than intercourse and make them the usual? It's not like you need more children.

Cut her a little slack. Childbirth has always been a leading cause of DEATH. She came close, more than once. These things have deep roots in one's nervous system.

I hate to sound like a broken record, but masturbation and oral are equally worthy of the designation 'sex'. Broaden your mind and perhaps the pressure on you both will be eased.

Also, spa treatments and so on are gifts , not bribes, I hope, that you would do for her anyway.

 

[BuffaloMedic]

You do have a lot on the line, and because it sounds like you love her, I hope you can make your marraige work. But that takes 2.

When a partner just decides, without input from the other, that sex is no longer important, it shows a lack of caring about the feelings of the other partner. This guy is getting bashed because he does things to try and make her happy, so he must be trying to get into her pants. But if he didn't do anything, he'd get bashed too. Other things than intercourse as the usual? Guess what folks, married people have sex. She was apparently willing enough to put out when she got pregnant, but now has no interest in trying to please him. It's a 2 way street, folks.

She jokes that "he wouldn't do that". It shows that she doesn't care enough to make him happy. It sounds like he's doing everything he can to make her happy, while working a full time, stressful job, and providing a comfortable living for her and his kids.

He has been honest and faithful, but the best he can get is talking about it every 6 months to a year.

Children are the most blessed, amazing thing that can ever happen to someone. I speak from first hand experience. I wouldn't trade what I've been through for anything, because they are the light of my existance.

Get counseling, buddy, with or without her. And decide if this is how you want to spend the next 40 years.

 

[dolfette]

i didn't read any bashing of the guy in this thread.
i read some bashing of his wife though.
if you think women should have sex they don't want then you have issues.
the OP loves his wife. he doesn't want her to lie back, let him and loathe every moment. he wants her to want sex with him.
and she can't just decide to want it.

 

[Thedrewbert]

Seek professional help for the both of you. Couple's counseling for both and possibly a medical exam for her. But also be prepared for the possibility that it is you she is dissatisfied with and she isn't splitting up with you because of the kids.

 

[snbk]

my two cents.
there are too many activities in the house and not enough family time.
why are you feeding the homeless, going to pagents etc.
some of the activities are leading to the debt.
the debt is leading to stress and the stress leads to no sex.

in my opinion, the problem with families these days is there are too many activities , too many things and no time to just rest.

take a month off from the pagents the homeless the chores (the major ones like painting rooms etc), both of you take a month off and stick to the basics.
meals together, and off to bed.

you all dont' have enough time for it.

also, ask her to please defend you to her friends and don't make flippant statements that are demasculating.

and yes, before you cheat on her, move out and get seperated from her.
married men who cheat are desperate.
but men who stand up and say 'i need these things to be happy', well, they seem selfish, but in the end. at least they had the decency not to lie to their wives and families.
and sometimes the process of trying to seperate makes people realize the truth, there is nothing out there but loads of bad sex with good peopel, or good sex with lousy people.
the only good sex wih a good person typically is with a spouse or life partner/both however you call roomate who is loyally giving you some

 

[Thedrewbert]

Needing sex with the person you love and married is NOT "being selfish"!! It maintains the bond in the couple. He wants to maintain that bond, she does not.

 

[dolfette]

Needing sex with the person you love and married is NOT "being selfish"!! It maintains the bond in the couple. He wants to maintain that bond, she does not.

no it's not selfish for him to want/need it.
but it's not selfish of her to lose her sex drive.
neither of them are selfish or to blame.
who says she does not want to maintain the bond? you think her having sex she really isn't wanting will strengthen her bond to him?

 

[dolfette]

incidentally, i have the same sympathy when men lose all drive too. it happens. it generally makes the sufferer male or female, feel guilty and inadequate.