Supporting a friend who is grieving.....

[PacknThick]

A best friend of mine just lost his mother. She had cancer for bout 2 years now but was doing ok, thats what everyone thought except her. She died suddenly and it was a shock although she was sick. Initially I did not hear from him for a week because he closed himself off, and still is but at least he talks now. I feel helpless since hes in another city and I dont want to mention his mother since some people get sensitive about it.
Do I give him space, do I pretend it didnt happen and talk about whos gonna be President, how good the Super Bowl was, or would that make me ignorant.

 

[lafever]

A best friend of mine just lost his mother. She had cancer for bout 2 years now but was doing ok, thats what everyone thought except her. She died suddenly and it was a shock although she was sick. Initially I did not hear from him for a week because he closed himself off, and still is but at least he talks now. I feel helpless since hes in another city and I dont want to mention his mother since some people get sensitive about it.
Do I give him space, do I pretend it didnt happen and talk about whos gonna be President, how good the Super Bowl was, or would that make me ignorant.

From your op i'd have to say he has a really good friend, i would let him bring it up, don't bring it up for him.
It's ok to ask hows he's doing, thats just human etiquette.
I would go on being the good friend that it sounds like he has, he'll grieve and gain acceptance in his own time, don't push it to happen sooner.
If anything ask if he wants to come visit for awhile and hang out with you, sometimes getting a break helps.
When my second wife died i had to get away from my town, everything reminded me of her and i had to get a break from that.
chris

 

[2322]

The proper thing to do is to offer your sympathies and ask if there's anything you can do to help. Make even a small donation to whatever charity she liked in her name. After that let him decide what to talk about and see where he wants to go with it. Knowing that you care and are concerned will mean a great deal to him even if it is painful to think about.

 

[bigtwin]

Absolutely! Jason hit it on the head. Also call him, perhaps a little more frequently than normal, just to shoot the breeze.

 

[PacknThick]

Yeah but also, I feel speechless, like what to say....
The other day he said he couldnt believe she was gone and I tried my best to think to what to say.

 

[Dave NoCal]

Make contact more frequently and follow his lead.
Dave

 

[B_Hung Jon]

The proper thing to do is to offer your sympathies and ask if there's anything you can do to help. Make even a small donation to whatever charity she liked in her name. After that let him decide what to talk about and see where he wants to go with it. Knowing that you care and are concerned will mean a great deal to him even if it is painful to think about.

Jason's right here but it also depends on how close you two are. I had a real good friend whose mom died, & I called him up & told him I loved him. That's all I said. He let me know a few months later that my words meant a lot of him, and he realized that he wasn't alone in the world, and that other peeps cared about him.

 

[SpoiledPrincess]

Follow the clues he throws out, if he wants to talk be someone positive who's there to either empathise with his pain or if he wants to talk about his mother affirm what he says, but if he doesn't want to talk about her don't try to force the issue. Check in with him often to give him the opportunity to talk about what he wants, whether it's about his mother or whether he doesn't want to talk about her until he feels ready to deal with her death.

 

[MovingForward]

Agree with everyone else. Just a quick mention and then go back to normal.
Sometimes that what people need help with, finding themselves again.

 

[NCbear]

Yeah but also, I feel speechless, like what to say....
The other day he said he couldnt believe she was gone and I tried my best to think to what to say.

Sometimes saying something isn't the right thing to do. Sometimes just being there, offering nonverbal support via your presence, is enough.

Then again, sometimes the simplest statements are the most affirmative: "I'm here for you." "Let me know what I can do to help." "I'll always be your friend." "If you want to talk, I'll listen."

You'll find a way, PacknThick.

NCbear (who has faith in PacknThick's ability to be a good friend)

 

[D_Chaumbrelayne_Copprehead]

also OK to say you don't know what to say but you want to be there for him