I have very complicated thoughts about compliments. Like others I generally accept the odd compliment from someone as an effort to make me feel good. However, I appreciate the substance of the compliment more when I value that person's opinion. For example, compliment about how nice my shoes are is fine from anyone, but really believing that my shoes look great can only be possible when I value the dress sense of the compliment giver.
The problem I have with compliments is that quite often they can be a strategic tool in managing/ manipulating relationships. Just about every advice book on how to make friends will have a chapter on compliments and the unmitigated message that you will never go wrong when complimenting someone, no matter how and no matter how often. I disagree. Here are some scenarios to think about:
1. I remember an ex bf in a rush to get me to like him decided to sieze on my cooking skills. While we were staying in a chalet, I was making fried eggs for my sister and me, the really greasy kind just as I like them. From all this hooting and hollering about how good they look and how good they smell. Bf just had to have a show from me and to put on his own show the next day. He pulled out a chair and sat in it backwards to attention. Wanted to know how much of each ingredient to put in; whether every flick of the hand, spatula, sigh, whatever was siginificant in the making of the eggs. When they were finally finished, he took a fork full of the eggs and passed them in front of his lips much the way an adult does when encouraging a baby to eat. I asked him should I make a plate for him. He said no because he followed a high carb low fat diet and the eggs were too fatty for him. Just what was the point here?
2. Since compliments are viewed as a tool to get people to like you and to give the appearance that you like someone, sometimes people throw around compliments just for that purpose. One of the wives of my ex husband's friends, a very conniving and toxic woman, would compliment me loudly in front off my husband. He told me that this woman liked me and used those compliments as his proof. It was therefore my fault that we did not get along. (my ex husband effectively had his nose up his friends butt, figuratively speaking).
3. What sounds like on the surface is a compliment can be meant as and ultimately is a put down. The famouse example is Churchill's quip is "yes, he is a modest man and he has so much to be modest about." Or how about "well done. Are you sure you didn't have anyone help you?"
Another minefield is to tell someone that it looks as if they lost some weight as if that's a good thing. The problem with that is that it suggests you've been thinking that they needed to lose weight for a while.
I get suspicious of compliments when they are repeated too often and/or out of context. Admittedly, I have a couple of friends who really lend an ear when I need one and I do often say that between us privately and that I am appreciative of this trust connection we have. So there is an exception. But for example, outer circle friends who loudly tell me my hair looks great as if they get kudos for being so kind, umm no thanks.
Repeated too often in front of others.
When actions can express a compliment better than words. Like eating someone's cooking. Like wearing an outfit that someone sewed. Like using someone's services when appropriate and so on.
haha
