The Time Has Come

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Darkriff, Apr 4, 2010.

  1. Darkriff

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    After speaking with a couple of people I truly trust, I realized that I'm terribly unhappy. Even writing this makes me somewhat emotional. I have all my life learned to hide things from others and even myself. Some things I just couldn't hide from myself tho. It became very exhausting trying to convince myself and everyone else around me that I someone else completely. It became an obsession of mine. Due to several past experiences I've learned to shut down and seal myself up. I do nothing without reason, and am the way I am today because of reasons I wish not to mention.

    I believe I should start with baby steps, but a few changes are in order. For those that know me well enough, looking below my avatar you should see a change I feel is long overdue, and much more honest with myself. As I have no intentions of displaying this to the outside world around me atm, I feel more at ease knowing there's at least someplace I can be honest with myself.

    School was no easy task for me, which is why I dropped out. I realize alot of people haven't exactly led a perfect school life, but as I said previously, I learned to hide certain aspects of myself, and began to wear a shield. No one, for a very long time has truly known who I am. Even in my teens and in school it was only mere speculation. From there many relationships of mine have failed, personally I feel it is of my own doing, but some friends are trying to convince me otherwise. I have recently started what I thought would be develop into a great friendship with a particular individual, but unfortunately I believe I ruined even a simple friendship. I have no one other than myself, as being as miserable as I am it's not even a good relationship. It's sad one can feel such hate for oneself, but day by day, minute by minute I continue to grow, and become the person I wish to be.

    Since the divorce, and slightly before I fell into a deep depression, I found a guy on here who was gay, and lived his life openly as such. I would be lying if I said I wasn't jealous. I become more and more depressed, and eventually suicidal. I have a thread somewhere about that dark time in my life. Medication had become necessary to get me back on track, and to assist with the preservation of my life. I've been making baby steps in changing my life, living more and more how I truly want, and not caring so much as to what people think. I quit a job with an income that alot of people would die for, just so that I can begin this long change. I've only taken a few steps, and still have miles to go before I believe I can be truly at peace with myself. Those who wish to hang with me along the way will be appreciated and forever hold a place in my heart, for those that could care less or choose to continue to tread on me, then they can fuck themselves, I will become happy, as I feel I have but one life to live, I will live it as I choose.

    Shortly after leaving my job I started school for something I enjoyed. Even tho I am only 25, and still considered very young, I feel ashamed, and embarrassed that I have wasted this many years as it is, wearing a shield and a mask, trying every possible way I had learned how, to convince myself that I wasn't who I should be. Anyway, as it's become emotionally difficult for me to write this I'll be ending it here, sorry for it to be so long. Take care, and I'm sure I'll see some of you around.

    P.S. To that particular person mentioned above, if you read this, I'm sorry, and hope you give me another chance.
     
    #1 Darkriff, Apr 4, 2010
    Last edited: Apr 4, 2010
  2. hotman911

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    OK. You are who you are. You grasp what you have & run with it. At 25 you have a full life ahead of you make it what you wish be happy for you not anyone else. Good luck my friend.
     
  3. athleticguy

    athleticguy New Member

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    We're all here with you man, along the way. Typing that out must have been emotionally exhausting. Take things easy. I wish you the best of luck.
     
  4. DV8

    DV8
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    Like I said, I just want you to be happy. :)
     
  5. invisibleman

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    Some really try pleasing a lot of peeps in the world...sacrificing oneself for the ideals of family, friends, and career. It is really difficult to juggle all that. If the world doesn't respect who you are as a person...then, what does that tell you?

    The world is a dynamic place. Everyone isn't gonna be liked or loved...even though everyone, somehow, wants to be liked and loved. That is a tall order for some...even for yourself.

    So, I hope that you realize in your sojourn that sometimes the path you walk is one you walk alone at times. But along the way, the independence yields a greater freedom than the yielding to the status quo.



     
  6. Joll

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    Awww. :(

    It's hard if you're brought up to do your best to please others and conform...then realise no matter what you do, you can't. Tbh, the qualities people most admire in others usually has little to do with sexuality. Therefore, the things ppl know you for, and like/dislike about you, wouldn't change whether they think you're gay or straight.

    I agree with taking baby steps - takes ages to learn to handle things a different way, plus you may realise you only need do/view things slightly differently in order to feel better. Also, medication sounds like a good idea - if just to keep your head above water and give you an extra boost while you work your way through things. :)

    Here's prolly a good place to learn to be more comfortable and open with yourself, with a lot of supportive, open-minded ppl (mostly, hehe). Then you can decide how much of that you want to take over into everyday life.

    25 is very young, dude. I'm retraining at college now (at 34) - you just do what you gotta do. Life is different for everyone.

    You seem like a great guy - so all the best, and stop beatin yerself up. ;)
     
  7. nudeyorker

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    The important thing is you have taken the first steps. It sometimes is easy to dig yourself into a hole and difficult to find your way out. By being honest with yourself and addressing the issues that were or are still making you unhappy you are a strong man. The mistake that many make is not reaching out for help with difficult matters in life. I have seen too many people become lonely as a result and then become bitter once they have allowed loneliness to define themselves. Happiness is the greatest gift you can give yourself. If you are willing to take a helping hand once and a while to help pull you along it makes the journey easier.
     
  8. D_CountdeGrandePinja

    D_CountdeGrandePinja Account Disabled

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    Not to be preach on this Easter day - but God doesn't make any junk. Our lives are a gift - yesterday is gone - tomorrow we don't know - we have now - the present, a true gift from God (whoever we interpret this image).
    Be at peace.
     
  9. B_nyvin

    B_nyvin New Member

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    Well, thanks, at least after this I can always think to myself "at least i'm better off than THAT guy..."
     
  10. sexplease

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    It's your life. No one will live it for you. No more apologies, just grab it by the reigns and don't look back.
    Hopefully you don't drive staring in the rear view mirror.
     
  11. Countryguy63

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    Faceing and discovering your true self is always the hardest and yet the most important step that you can take to start the healing and recovery journey.

    If the person that you speak about is genuine and really a potentially great friend, they will accept your apology and let whatever damage was done start to mend. Everyone makes mistakes. The "good ones" recognize them and try to fix them :smile:
     
  12. helgaleena

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    I am glad for you. Don't feel you are too old for school. I went back to college in my 30s after seven years of 'out in the real world' and it's important to do what you enjoy for a living.

    As for relationships, they will get easier the more you learn not to hate yourself. I was actively trying to eliminate myself for decades whenever things went wrong until I realized there was no shortcut to living with myself first and foremost.

    You are not alone in the struggle to accept yourself as you are! Where in the world do we get the screwy idea that we are not beautiful and worthy the way we were made? Not that it matters so much how, rather that we open our eyes to beauty between our own heads and toes...

    I am also glad that we can be here for you as audience to whatever you are willing to tell.
     
  13. lopo2000

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    It's a good thing that you actually want and are willing to make some changes. And I am telling you, happiness doesn't come this right moment, but it'll gradually seep into your mind when you notice that your progress is gonna come true. Just be persistent. I am also working on my life now. Life can be difficult. I know that, you that that. So, I sincerely hope that you can keep holding on, life has so much to offer to you.

    I believe in you... :)
     
  14. Darkriff

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    I didn't intend to use this thread in this way since writing it, but seeing as things have developed as they have, I will post updates as long as people want to hear them. If someone says they're not interested, then I'll stop posting. Now on to my new post.

    As you might've read in the initial post, there was a particular someone, who I will refer to as PS from here one out, that had helped me come to writing this thread. Well a bit of an update. I awoke today with a new message from PS. We decided to hang out today, thrilled to death I took a shower, threw some clothes on and left the house. Upon meeting him I was most impressed. Very cute, well beyond what I imagined he'd be. We started the evening with some dinner.

    We kept to small talk at first then graduated to past experiences, including sexual, and relationship wise. I couldn't keep my eyes off of him, all I could do was stare and smile. I was completely shocked that someone as good looking as him had seemingly fell into my lap. Anyway, after dinner we drove around a little and talked.

    Up till this point I had plenty of things that I wanted to do to him in my head, but unfortunately that's where they remained atm. It was very hands-off for the first few hours. I believe I was too scared to make the first move, and he was too. We both already knew that the other one was shy, and I made mention of how much easier it was to say what you wanted online, but when it comes to real life, it was a completely different story. He laughed and agreed.

    We eventually made our way to the theatre as we had plans to watch a movie. We purchased out tickets and looked around the place, searching for something to preoccupy us for an hour before the movie actually began. I made the suggestion to head back out to the car to talk while we waited. With an affirmative nod we left the building and heading back towards his car.

    We made small-talk for a few minutes then decided to go somewhere to occupy us for the remainder of the time. He asked me if I had ever been to "certain place". With a quick and somewhat timid headshake he decided to take me there to check it out. After a short drive we reached our destination. A few sexual jokes later we exited the vehicle, walking into the dark. As we walked we talked about this and that, going into more detail about what we discussed at dinner. We finally came to a stop, as my back was killing me I was more than relieved. That's when it all began to happen.

    As I recall it in my mind, it seems almost like slow motion.

    "Would it upset you if I got close to you?", he said.

    "Not at all." I stepped into him and put my arm around him.

    By this point I was very nervous, this was a completely new territory for me, and my body reacted. My legs shook, I looked up at him, apologized and smiled. He assured me I was fine and stood in front of me. Nuzzling my neck I rested my head on his shoulder and grabbed his ass with both hands. Now let me tell you, I absolutely loved his butt. I could've sat there all day with it in my hands lol. We did kiss for a moment, nothing too hard or sloppy, just soft and sweet. We looked into each others eyes, then up at the stars.

    "Are you nervous?"

    "Yeah, I am, I just don't wanna be hurt again."

    He leaned back against the railing and looked up into the sky. The stars were easily visible tonight, not to mention we were a little ways out from the city, so the city lights didn't cloud the view with light pollution. Slowly I took a deep breath, and kneeled before him. As I fumbled around, undoing his belt I thought to myself, "I can't believe I'm doing this." Finally, after a moment of my shaking hands tripping over each other, I unlatched his belt and unzipped his pants. He was already hard by this point, as I would've guessed.

    I grasped his dick with my hand and began to lean forward. I will never claim to be an expert cocksucker, and told him this later on, but I did the best as I knew how, attempting to do to him, as I know what I myself enjoy. I stiffened my tongue, rubbing the frenulum as I pumped with my mouth and my hand. As I did this his head would swell in my mouth and I would gag. I pulled my head back and licked the precum from his head, swallowing what precum and spit I had in my mouth at the same time. As I bobbed up and down on him I couldn't help but have this warm feeling as he let out soft moans.

    Before I was able to finish, someone began to come by and our sexual encounter was halted. I apologized for any raking of the teeth and my inexperience in doing such a thing.

    "Will you remember me in the morning?", I asked with a chuckle.

    He simply chuckled and said, "of course."

    "You don't think I'm a whore do you," I asked.

    "Not if you don't think me one."

    We began walking back to the car and made more small-talk, some involving what had just happened. He assured me it wasn't his worst, and it was very much and enjoyable experience for him. I won't continue with too many more details about the night as this one in particular was one that inspired me to write this. The rest of the night was mostly just driving around with my hand on his theigh, or softly rubbing the back of his neck.

    I feel incredibly lucky to be able to share my true self with someone and not feel judged or betrayed. He seemed quite curious about my piercings as the question of anal had come up. He made mention that he would enjoy "teaching" me the ways of anal. All in all, I had an amazing time, and it seemed a perfect evening. I guess I'll end it here, thnx for reading, I'll keep posting updates as I said, unless he asks me to stop, or someone else does.

    P.S. To that PS, next time, I'll finish what I started. *wink*
     
    #14 Darkriff, Apr 5, 2010
    Last edited: Apr 5, 2010
  15. True_Blue

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    You have my support. I'm in a situation not too different than yours, but, thanks to a good friend I met here, I've started my baby steps. It's a good to idea to start here where you can be certain several of us have been in (or are still in) your situation. It's not going to be an easy road, there are going to be some very intense obstacles for you to overcome. I'm sure, though, that you have a friend or group of friends that you can turn to when things get tough. If not, well, this is a support group (more or less) and I, along with several others are here for you. Good luck and please don't hesitate sending a message if need be.
     
  16. D_kdhr89i

    D_kdhr89i New Member

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    man you touched me big time, Life is a funny thing its a bit like driving a car, you can crash it if you want. or you can get off the bumpy road and head for the highway. ive spoke with you a few times and i just know your going to get on that highway and when you do my man, put your foot down and go. I love you mate for all the right reason, your honesty, because your genuine, and more than anything your a fucking nice guy. GOOD LUCK love Iain xx
     
  17. luka82

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    When I first saw you in chat, I never thought about your %, Dark, you are a nice, funny and a smart guy, a real pleasure to chat with...
    And now I feel as if I have let you down, we talked more than once, and I have never thought you had problems, maybe I haven`t asked....
    But, what makes me feel happy is the fact you are getting a grip, you are a fighter kid, and you`ll survive!!!
    There is no such thing as universal happiness, we are all different, and we should celebrate that diversity....
    You just have to find out what makes you happy! And I think you are on a right way!!!
    Embrace your life, and LIVE SMART!
    Love you kiddo!
     
  18. conntom

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    1 day at a time buddy. You;ll be ok.

    When you get really low - contact a friend and get your mind off things...

    1 day at a time.
     
  19. Darkriff

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    I appreciate everyone's feedback thus far. I really do feel alot better since the post, my mom knows now, but haven't really said much to my siblings. I'm thinking about talking to one of my teacher friends at school, she's awesome.
     
  20. helgaleena

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    Whoah there, tiger, it's still not legal in all fifty states. Cancel the billboards. It might be better confiding in a written journal.
     
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