After speaking with a couple of people I truly trust, I realized that I'm terribly unhappy. Even writing this makes me somewhat emotional. I have all my life learned to hide things from others and even myself. Some things I just couldn't hide from myself tho. It became very exhausting trying to convince myself and everyone else around me that I someone else completely. It became an obsession of mine. Due to several past experiences I've learned to shut down and seal myself up. I do nothing without reason, and am the way I am today because of reasons I wish not to mention. I believe I should start with baby steps, but a few changes are in order. For those that know me well enough, looking below my avatar you should see a change I feel is long overdue, and much more honest with myself. As I have no intentions of displaying this to the outside world around me atm, I feel more at ease knowing there's at least someplace I can be honest with myself. School was no easy task for me, which is why I dropped out. I realize alot of people haven't exactly led a perfect school life, but as I said previously, I learned to hide certain aspects of myself, and began to wear a shield. No one, for a very long time has truly known who I am. Even in my teens and in school it was only mere speculation. From there many relationships of mine have failed, personally I feel it is of my own doing, but some friends are trying to convince me otherwise. I have recently started what I thought would be develop into a great friendship with a particular individual, but unfortunately I believe I ruined even a simple friendship. I have no one other than myself, as being as miserable as I am it's not even a good relationship. It's sad one can feel such hate for oneself, but day by day, minute by minute I continue to grow, and become the person I wish to be. Since the divorce, and slightly before I fell into a deep depression, I found a guy on here who was gay, and lived his life openly as such. I would be lying if I said I wasn't jealous. I become more and more depressed, and eventually suicidal. I have a thread somewhere about that dark time in my life. Medication had become necessary to get me back on track, and to assist with the preservation of my life. I've been making baby steps in changing my life, living more and more how I truly want, and not caring so much as to what people think. I quit a job with an income that alot of people would die for, just so that I can begin this long change. I've only taken a few steps, and still have miles to go before I believe I can be truly at peace with myself. Those who wish to hang with me along the way will be appreciated and forever hold a place in my heart, for those that could care less or choose to continue to tread on me, then they can fuck themselves, I will become happy, as I feel I have but one life to live, I will live it as I choose. Shortly after leaving my job I started school for something I enjoyed. Even tho I am only 25, and still considered very young, I feel ashamed, and embarrassed that I have wasted this many years as it is, wearing a shield and a mask, trying every possible way I had learned how, to convince myself that I wasn't who I should be. Anyway, as it's become emotionally difficult for me to write this I'll be ending it here, sorry for it to be so long. Take care, and I'm sure I'll see some of you around. P.S. To that particular person mentioned above, if you read this, I'm sorry, and hope you give me another chance.