What does it mean.....

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by D_William Howard Shaft, Sep 11, 2011.

  1. D_William Howard Shaft

    D_William Howard Shaft Account Disabled

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    So my wife and I have been married for over 11 years. To be honest our sexual relationship has been always shaky...but we still had our intiment moments. For the past 5 years things have kinda slowed down to the point were I feel we are just roommates. We had our son almost 2 years ago, and he is our miracle boy, but with over 5 years or trying to conceive, I feel we simply lost sexual interest in each other.

    Don't get me wrong... I LOVE my wife and son. I can't imagine my life without them, but sometimes I just get sad and depressed about all this.

    Back at the end of march, my full time contract came to an end, so I was out of work for almost three months. In the time we never had sex... Seems like we are LUCKY to have sex once every couple months. But a lot of stress was brewing with both of us out of work so my wife took on a part time job working a few evenings a week. I finally got work, and my wife has kept her pt job. I am lucky to even see her for a couple minutes when I get home before she is out the door.

    Her mother a few weeks ago fractured her hip and has since been in the hospital, so she has also been spending a lot of time there too. When we say I love you, all I hear from her is "love you" omitting the "I".

    We have sat down and talked about this, but so far no real progress. I really really want to get this spark back....I am so afraid of drifting apart.

    I have been working out at the gym for the past 10 months trying to put on muscle, and a few nights ago I approached the bed naked and asked if I could fish for some compliments. All I got was a WTF LOOK of confusion. Needless to say, I went to bed pretty disappointed.

    Anyway, my apologies for this rant. I guess I am just unsure where this is all going...and I am afraid of what could happen to "us".
     
  2. ScotRandom

    ScotRandom Active Member

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    Jack, I know how losing a job can affect a persons self-confidence & feeling of self-worth. Regaining employment, including part-time work, can only increase both you & your wife's self-esteem. I genuinely & sincerely hope your path becomes a positive one for you both to travel together. Good luck.
    Best wishes & thoughts,
    Scot.
    PS: There is no need to apologise for finding a platform to get things off your chest. Your post was not a rant - just a man getting something off his chest.
     
  3. Joll

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    Awww. :( Sorry Mally.
    Just rushin out - but speak to ya as soon as i next see ya in chat. :)
     
  4. D_William Howard Shaft

    D_William Howard Shaft Account Disabled

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    Thanks guys... Sometimes I just need an unbiased point of view to help clear the fog. I have to admit.... I had a small moment of break down after writing the initial post....and you know what is amazing, my son who is almost 2, realized how sad I was... And gave me the best hug ever. Here I am down in tears, holding my son, and he won't let me go... Somehow he just knew it was what I needed.
     
  5. ScotRandom

    ScotRandom Active Member

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    Jack, don't let go.
     
  6. dolfette

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    1-5y/o kids is a difficult time in a relationship.
    job loss is a difficult time in a relationship.
    family illness is a difficult time in a relationship.
    i hope you two manage to work things through.
     
  7. D_William Howard Shaft

    D_William Howard Shaft Account Disabled

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    We have certainly gone through probably more than most couple in 11 years time...heck. I think 11 years is a milestone. I just came back from walking up to my wife's work (25 min walk), just for the simple reason to give her a hug and kiss. I think we have things to work on for sure, but I am hopeful we can get out of this rut.

     
  8. Wrat

    Wrat New Member

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    Sounds like you're not having any fun. The problem with that is that you get used to it and stop trying to find fun things to keep you interested. Sooner or later you begin rejecting fun things that come your way, or that are offered to you. That's especially difficult to recover from. Your problem seems to be that both of you are a bit disappointed in the results of your efforts to make progress in your lives. It might be helpful to examine the things that you can do to bring some degree of satisfaction to your life. This will be a personal thing with the both of you. I doubt if there is anyting either of you can do to make one another's lives any better just be being present, so try to sit and write down the issues you have and have a discussion with yourself about the things that will improve your life, and what would give you more satisfaction. Here you would likely be more successful if you would think of the things that gave you great satisfaction in the past, and compare your present situation to the times when you were the most healthy, or the most satisfied with your life, or when you had the highest hopes and expectations of yourself. This will give you some kind of target to hit. It is unlikely that you will ever have the same feelings of satisfaction in the exact way you did before. In fact your future may be much better than you have ever had it, and a direct comparison is not necessary, but if you can identify the things that gave you a great deal of satisfaction in the past (those things that don't require the approval or acceptance of somebody who wouldn't be willing to give it up these days) you may be closer to understanding your prospects for a better future.
    Secondly, identify those things that you can do now to bring you closer to the satisfaction you once had. For example, it is nice to have a good job, but most people wouldn't be happy with just that. The satisfying part of good work is dealing with the people you worked with, gaining the trust and confidence of the people who depended on you, and having a future that you can build upon from your hard work and good reputation. You may be able to reproduce this environment in some ways by becoming more active in your community, volunteering for charitable causes, attending social events sponsored by the local chamber of commerce or church groups, and maybe joining a legitimate mens' group. This would take some time and effort, but the 5 or 6 hours a week that this takes out of your life might be otherwise spent sitting in front of the TV, so it may be worth a try. Attend these functions with the intention of contributing to your community. You will find that opportunities will arise to improve yourself and perhaps even find new and better ways to improve your life and secure a better future. This is just one example.
    Lastly, try to understand your problems as temporary. Nothing lasts forever, not even the worst of times. If somebody wants to punish you for the recession, or blame you for their difficult life, you can only hope that they understand the error of their ways sometime soon. Keep your sense of humor. It only gets worse without it.
    Good luck.
     
  9. august86

    august86 Member

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    Aww! :frown1:

    So proud of you for seeing a problem and doing something about it.
    You've been through some things, but I believe that happiness lies in the little things. Keep trying, you will surely find that intimate connection again.

    Good luck, mate
     
  10. Just_Roo

    Just_Roo Active Member

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    Awww amazing how the little ones know more about what is happening! Bless ya son for giving you that much needed hug! Perhaps you both need help - would you consider counseling perhaps?
     
  11. ScotRandom

    ScotRandom Active Member

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    Good on ya Jack. A lot of times it's the simplest of random acts of kindness which makes a person smile, & a smile is a wonderful gift.
     
  12. D_Colon Farrell

    D_Colon Farrell New Member

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    As everyone has said, it is amazing how kids pick up on things quicker than adults. Personally I think they are more in tune because they have yet to become so self absorbed like we all get from focusing on getting ahead in life and being our personal best. Some times you have to stop and refocus on what's important and read the folk's needs in your life. It sounds like that is exactly what you are doing now. It most likely will be a slow road but one definately worth travelling to get it back.

    Even being a single guy I do find that I sometimes have to force myself to go do something new everyonce in a while. The rut gets comfortable but at the same time can be VERY borning after a bit. If nothing else pick activities your son will like and will get you three out of the house. Even the cheapest day can be a lot of fun and create memories your son will remember for the rest of his life. Just think back about your childhood and the some of the goofy things that you remember. Even a trip to get ice cream can create one! Keep the chin up bro and keep plugging, you will get there together.
     
    #12 D_Colon Farrell, Sep 11, 2011
    Last edited: Sep 11, 2011
  13. D_William Howard Shaft

    D_William Howard Shaft Account Disabled

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    Just a quick update... First and foremost I want to thank everyone who sent me kind words of wisdom and support. You don't realize how much this has meant to me.

    So this day has been quite the emotional roller coaster for me, but I have to say I feel that it is ending on a positive note. My wife, son and I went for a long walk where I pretty much got everything off my chest. We talked about everything and assured each other of our love for one another. We realize though, that our relationship right now faces many challenges. For one we have a very active toddler ( who means the world to us). Two - with my wife working weekends and evenings, we need to find better us for the time we do have with each other and not waste it in front of the idiot box(s). And three, with my mom-in-law coming out of the hospital, she is going to require a lot of help from my wife. All these thing lead to a hectic life which does not leave much time for her and I to focus on us.

    I realize that this will be a long road for us, and we will need to adapt to these challenges and try to find creative ways to be closer - take ether advantage of what little time we have with each other.

    At least though we seem to be on the same page...which makes me feel much better.
     
    #13 D_William Howard Shaft, Sep 11, 2011
    Last edited: Sep 11, 2011
  14. Linghaman

    Linghaman New Member

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    Hey Guy:

    My heart goes out to you. I have been through my share of worry about us over the years. First I should say that my wife and I have been married for 39 years. I have known her for 41. Our sex life now is great although in our 30's and 40's it sucked. Our reasons were probably the same as yours are.

    First thing you need to understand about a woman is that if she is stressed, consumed by thoughts of things that she needs to do, feeling loaded with responsibility for the new little guy, worried about you, worried about your job, her job, the electric bill, the charge card etc etc, sex ain't gonna happen.

    A womans head has to be clear and she has to feel relaxed and comfortable with herself to let herself feel aroused.

    You mentioned your two year old. She just had a baby. Maybe she is uncomfortable with the way her body looks after he was born. It's hard for a girl to feel sexy with stretch marks, a tummy, extra skin etc. WE don't care but she does.

    She may also have a hormone imbalance from post delivery. Or she may just be overwhelmed or a little depressed.

    It could be all of these, some of these or none of these. The only way to figure it out is talk about it.

    The way that my wonderful lady and I have stayed together for all this time through kid problems, parent problems, health issues, economic issues, sex issues, house problems and career issues is thru talking. We have always been best friends.

    We can't always solve things immediately but we can shine some light on them so we can begin to figure them out and eventually solve them.
    Talk and see what happens.

    Linghaman
     
  15. D_William Howard Shaft

    D_William Howard Shaft Account Disabled

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    Hey man. Thanks for your kind words. You hit on some important points. My wife is not happy with her body. We are both working at changing our bodies, but my wife is too tough of a critic on herself. Before our little guy came along, she was smokin hawt after losing 60 lbs to try and get pregnant....though after numerous issues over five years and a lot of weight gain, she now hates her body.

    Over 11 years of marriage, 15 years together, we have become best friends. Sex was never the top priority for us, but we were active as most new couple generally are...but after 5 years of trying to have kids (I could write a book on our experience), the is part of the reason the spark has dulled.

    These are all valid points and we are starting to talk more openly about them...so I think we are heading the right way again.

     
  16. yagimax

    yagimax New Member

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    Very interesting reading your post as I'm going through a similar although less stressful time.
    I'm in a mild depression right now and have just started a few sessions of counselling trying to deal with it.

    Linghaman is correct in stating that a women's mind seems to be on constant overdrive.

    I've been married for 27 years and now with 2 demanding teens in the house I seem to be last in line and feel left out.

    Best of luck to you.
     
  17. Frnkd213

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    I would be curious as you said that the last 5years prior to the birth of your son, sex was a mission to conceive, rather than for sex sake. Of course wanting a child takes your love to another level so don't get me wrong I know you both were and still is in love.

    If you have been married for 11, the 4 years prior to the redefinition of sex when both of you were trying to conceive, what was sex like, was there teasing, playing, spontaneity? After our only child was born, I know our sex life had changed. No longer was it spontaneous, wife too tired with the care of the child many times I was " horny".
    Sex was after 8pm. If at all. The weekends were something I looked forward to. She actually was a morning sex person, and I was an evening person.

    Anyway, we have been empty nesters for a few months, thought sex is still not what I would like, it is more spontaneous. I cherish the moments when we get it on.

    I'm glad that you talked with your wife about this. She taking care of her self, and so are you ( you look pretty good in your photos by the way) is a good start.

    Talking about planning moments together, my wife always schedules things and writes it in her calendar. One day I got a hold of it and put " ML" on specific open dates.
    She ask me after a couple of days after she noticed it, if I wrote "ML" in her calendar, and what did it stand for. I confirmed it and said " make love"' consequently we did. With a kid scheduling "our" time is important, just as "me" time is. Humor and support first initiated by you can go along way in spite of the challenging times you both are experiencing.
    Good luck. Hope this is helpful.
    A friend
     
  18. DavidXL

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    I'm in a marriage rut myself, so not in a position to offer any advice other than to say keeping communication open and having us both acknowledge that, hey, we're not the passionate, sex-crazy couple we used to be, but we still love each other has been helpful. The times when we're the best, just like the old times, is when we're away on vacation. The problem is, that's not the real world, and making it in the real world is what you need to do.

    Good luck with everything.
     
  19. helgaleena

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    Every relationship has its lows. You and she are doing what you can. You have made time to work out at the gym, and I will bet she wishes she had that kind of time for herself as well. Be very thankful for your both having jobs, and I know how it is to be realizing that the generation of your parents is going to start requiring your support as well.

    As long as you can keep the lines of communication open between you, and put the beloved child first, you know that all will tend toward the way things should be. Asking for smiles and love are important, just as important as touches and hugs. But they are to be given by you as well. Both of you showing up at your wife's work must have made her day!

    Repeat as needed!
     
  20. D_William Howard Shaft

    D_William Howard Shaft Account Disabled

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    tonight i have seen a few positive changes... My wife and made sure we all had dinner together at the dinning room table and had a great chat. After dinner we got out for a walk and just kept chatting like old times. I really feel there is hope here.
     
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