When she won't

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by Not_Punny, Jan 20, 2010.

  1. Not_Punny

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    I'd heard of a quite a few sex-less marriages where the woman is just not interested anymore. Low or nonexistent libido can be often be treated quite effectively -- but some people apparently don't even bother trying.

    I hope I never suffer no libido. And I hope I never "torture" my significant other with callous non-interest.

    But if I ever DID end up in that situation, I would NOT want my man skulking off to cheat behind my back. I'd want my man to tell me, straight-up, that it was fix it or fuck off.

    So....

    How would YOU want your partner to tell YOU if your sex drive was driving him/her crazy?
     
  2. DecoyMAX

    DecoyMAX New Member

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    I totally agree with you. I would tell them they have to work on putting out or else I am going to have sex with another woman.
     
  3. cbrmale

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    I have had many men confide in me about their sexless or near-sexless marriages, and it's not as simple as 'treatment' for libido. As an observer, I saw many couples who didn't suit to be married to one another, and they had no feelings of true love. Many couples rush into marriage, thinking that companionship and friendship is more than it really is. They are sexual at first, of course, but it fades and dies because they lack passion.

    So what it really takes is companionship, friendship and a passionate attraction to one-another. And, of course, it takes expressions of love and romance by both. In this form of relationship, where you have a genuine sexual attraction and show it, then even if one or the other isn't in the mood, they will respond to sexual advances because they love their partner. More likely they will be in the mood for sex anyway, because they are sexually attracted and will enjoy expressing that attraction. And, of course, everytime a woman has sex with a partner it increases her testosterone, which increases her sex drive, which means more sex, and so on.

    So it's like comparing a monochrome relationship: dull and grey, to one that's colourful and vibrant.

    A sexless relationship is a symptom, not a cause, of a broken relationship that should never have happened.
     
    #3 cbrmale, Jan 21, 2010
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2010
  4. ManlyBanisters

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    I think this is something that has to be handled quite carefully.

    What you're talking about, 'fix it or fuck off', sounds like an ultimatum to me. I detest an ultimatum. It makes me feel like saying 'fuck you - I won't do want you want just because you're trying to force my hand'.

    I agree mismatched libidos is not a healthy thing in a relationship. It needs talking about before it gets to the 'fix it or fuck off' stage. No one should be forced to have sex, or force themselves to have sex, if they don't want to. Partners need to work out what's best for their own situation if one has no sex drive. Some relationships can take a 'don't ask, don't tell' approach to fidelity, some can't. Some relationships can take a more open approach to the open relationship, some can't. Some relationship can take sexless fidelity, some can't.

    If, for some reason, I lost all interest in sex I would like to think I'd talk to Hick about that well before he felt the need to talk to me. I'd also like to think I'd try refinding my sex drive. If that failed I'd like to think I was a big enough person to let Hick make his own decisions on how he wanted to deal with that and to allow him to be open with me about whatever decision he reached.
     
    #4 ManlyBanisters, Jan 21, 2010
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2010
  5. B_New End

    B_New End New Member

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    Really, talking about it is humiliating, and never works. A sexless marriage/relationship, IMHO, means a dead marriage. Also, by the tie it is truly sexless, there have already been conversations before, and "I'll try to's"... adn both people know damn well a week or two later it will be back to same ol', same ol'. Honestly, I am beginning to think in that situation I would ask to open the relationship.
     
  6. Drifterwood

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    OK, I'll do the can of worms.

    Sex drive is human, it is high it is low, it comes it goes (apparently, hicketydickety :biggrin1:)

    If you hAve a partner, I wouldn't think that telling them to fuck off because they are experiencing low sex drive, is the answer. But then if you are expeiencing low sex drive it isn't exactly HArd to get your partner off and be affectionate without having sex. Is it?
     
  7. kinda_hung

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    My wife doesn't have much for sex drive anymore. I am the complete oposite! She knows that I need sex often. However, just sex is ok..... So she thinks that her spreading her legs for me and having non-passionate sex is fine and that I should be ok with it. However, boring sex is welll... BORING!!! I want more!!! Something different. So she buys lingerie. big woop. What about oral sex? different possitions? getting off more than just once? waking up at 3am horny and wanna fuck and go back to bed?

    She knows it's a problem, but I'm about fed up. I read about what most women here want! And think.... I wish she was my wife... Being in a virtually sexless marriage sux. Just because every other night I get to stick it in doesn't mean much too me. And I'm to the point I will just refuse having sex and go whack off.
     
  8. ZOS23xy

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    My wife's sex drive is not as nigh as mine;by her direction I have the "right" to find another fuck buddy if need be (I'd like a guy).... Not too interested now, since I work a lot. However she is gracious enough to allow me access to her a few times a week.....she still loves me enough to hear my "noises" , and it gives her joy....
     
  9. D_Fiona_Farvel

    D_Fiona_Farvel Account Disabled

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    Interesting question.
    My SO (and ex partners) and I are completely open about our needs, so I hope to discuss it first and that we would attempt to reconcile the incompatibility. However, I do not own him (nor am I owned by him) - we are together because we both choose to be and have a strong foundation beyond sex that would not be destroyed by either of us experiencing something on the side.

    If I am not fucking him, he can go 'get some' from whatever woman is discreet, willing to engage in a (safer) NSA thing and respect his primary relationship (as in not attempt to break up our relationship when he is just seeking ass). If he accomplishes those things, and we both have, I am all for it.
     
  10. EllieP

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    I think my sex drive is a lot higher than Hubby's and his is just right. He tells me that I have the sex drive of a guy anyway. But there is a back and forth there. And it all involves communication. I cannot imagine a time when we would have a sexless marriage. I don't know how that would work. And, no, I would never go find "some" anywhere else.
     
  11. Rommette

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    Me and my current boyfriend never have this problem. we have a motto: whoever wants it gets it!

    Therefor if he wants to fuck and I don't I should just suck it up and drop the panites. He's more leanient if i'm on my period and not wanting to. There were times that he didn't want to....for example when we fucked everyday for 10 days he said he needed a break to "recharge" and I said ok only to be courteous. Other than that he has no choice.

    Perhaps married people should follow what we do. Only advice is that they make this agreement soon after they get married when they BOTH still want to fuck each other's brains out. After the libido is gone the agreement basically means "I'm gonna fuck you whenever I want and since you don't ever ask me I have the upper hand".
     
  12. cbrmale

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    My wife and I made the same agreement, and it's worked for us as well. Our agreement was to never say 'no' outright: it's either yes or a date for the near future. It obviously needs consideration by both so that you don't take advantage of the situation, and your partner will be more responsive if sexual frequency is more in tune with their cycle.
     
  13. badgirl22

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    I experienced this. I have a high sex drive and I had a husband who wasn't interested in having sex with me or pleasing me. My favorite thing is being fingered and he didn't do it for 13 years! Cheating was NOT an option for me personally. I spent years trying everything I could think of. He was uncomfortable with most of my efforts which included games, books, eriotica, porn, toys, talk, patience, making it all about him (though that's what it always was - he told our marriage therapist sex was NEVER once about me - just always about him getting his needs met - sigh...). Finally, after sitting him down and telling him we had to fix this problem as other men were looking good to me and then trying some more for two more years, I had to say...either I have sex with other men in an open marriage or we need to get a divorce. Divorce it was. I tried. I really did. First sex I had with someone other than him (which was about once or twice a year for years and years) I thought I'd died and gone to heaven. Can't believe I waited so long.
     
  14. kinda_hung

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    Wow!!! I can't believe that!! That's horrible. You are sex hot missy!!!

    I love going down on my wife, fingering her, reading books, porn, etc. She just wants to hurry up and get me off and go to bed. :confused: I really hate giving her an ultimatum. But what are you suppose to do? She doesn't satify me one bit. It's like just enough from starving me!
     
  15. EllieP

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    My husband is a musician, and when we were first married and I would go with him on gigs on occasion I would find myself sitting alone where he was playing waiting for him to finish the first set. I'd never stay for the later sets, and would usually head back to the room.

    I'd get my share of guys offering to buy me a drink, and there would always be one who just hung around and would eventually "confess" that the love life had left their marriage and his wife just wasn't interested anymore. Almost as if that would sway me. "Oh, well if she's not interested then you're fair game! This is my lucky night because I've just been looking for someone..."

    So I really wonder how many real sexless marriages there are.
     
  16. cbrmale

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    Based on the men who have admitted the same to me, about one-third or maybe more. I always wanted to tell them that they shouldn't have gotten married to each other, but instead I suggested relationship counselling.
     
  17. HaroldZoid

    HaroldZoid New Member

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    What did these guys do after the counseling (presumably) failed? Leave? Stay? Get relief elsewhere?
     
  18. latinluva

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    He or she better get their ass to the Doctors and fix whatever is broken, cause if I aint gettin any from her or him, I'll get it from someone else. Sex is a big part of my life and need to enjoy it on a regular basis. The only time I would make sexless sacrifices is if my woman was pregnant and we couldn't, or terribly injured and can't.
     
  19. helgaleena

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    That's a terribly lame pickup line, 'my wife doesn't understand me' from a near total stranger. It says to the one hearing it that the man is a pain in the rear to his own spouse and cannot work within a contracted relationship of his own choosing. Why would that make him attractive?
     
  20. EllieP

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    I wish I knew what goes on in their heads to make them think I would even be sympathetic to them.
     
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