Who Comes First After Marriage? Your Parents Or Your Spouse?

[scarymovie3]

Hello, i'd like to ask this question directly to married woman or in a serious long term relationship. i've had this problem at home where i feel that her family comes first very time something comes up. i've always said to her that she always comes first because she is my new family and i dont feel the same from her. am i right? am i wrong? to you who comes first?

 

[deleted924715]

It depends. Is someone on either side being an arsehole?

I love both. I have my own opinion. I hate being put in the middle.

I will have blind loyalty to those I love against the outside world, but it's not so clear cut when it's between those I love.

Someone better think carefully if it's worth it before putting me in that position. Someone better think very carefully before disrespecting my family. Just because I don't say anything to family at the time, doesn't mean I won't say something later.

I don't have a black and white answer for you.

 

[MickeyLee]

Umm, neither?

Ideally the folks in my love bubble respect me as an autonomous being enough not to pull "prove you live me" bullshit.

Triage all conflict. Who needs my attention vs who wants my attention. Need wins out.

ETA: grumpery cuz grumpy

Folks need to do a powerful amount of growing the fuck up and removal of heads from asses. There is no comes first, there is mutual support and love. Once you join a pack, the over all well being of the pack is what rules the day. Calling dibs or playing miser with affection is ultimately manipulative. It's cruel even.

Like, in what situations are you feeling second place?

Were you aware of ya lady friend's priority/relationship to her family?

 

[Scarletbegonia]

Umm, neither?

Ideally the folks in my love bubble respect me as an autonomous being enough not to pull "prove you live me" bullshit.

Triage all conflict. Who needs my attention vs who wants my attention. Need wins out.

Absolutely this.

Now, is family geographically close? Are they visiting often, dropping by with little lead time?
Or do you have foreknowledge?

is this physical or mental demand of your wife?
How does her attention to family take from you?
Did you know she was connected to family?
Why do you see love as finite and a zero sum game?

 

[286798]

When I was married, my wasband & I mutually agreed that each other came first. We were a team. We were also very far removed from both families physically so we HAD to depend on each other. I was fortunate that my family was respectful of boundaries. His overbearing mother was problematic at first (she rearranged my cupboards the first time she visited our home because "her way was better") and he put her in her place by saying I was his chosen family. There were a few times that family took priority, like during times of illness/crisis. It was far more likely that HIS family was priority over mine, but at the time, I viewed them as my family so it was fine. It was rare that mine was the issue, but it did on occasion, but he viewed my family as his own, so again, there was no issue. We were in alignment on these so all was good.

He had a friend who always seemed to be a higher priority than me, though. This friend was a total flake, took advantage of his friendship (back before unlimited cell phones, this friend ran up a $2k bill on my phone and chose not to pay us because "he couldn't afford it" even though he lived with us FOR FREE, never paid for anything, etc.) and was frequently a source of arguments because I didn't like how selfish and self-centered he is. I had more of a problem with his friend than his family... mostly because he would not "correct" his best friend. We were NOT aligned on these so it was an issue.

If you hope for success in your relationship, you need to learn how to communicate your needs in a way that is not perceived (by her) as complaining or threatening. You need to learn how to be heard. You need to be a team.

Best of luck.

 

[EllieP]

During my first marriage he definitely came first. In fact, one of the reason I got married was to get away from my parents. I was young and stupid, well stupid enough to marry him and stupid to try to distance myself like a kid instead of an adult.

I'll ask this to parents developing a serious partner relationship a second time: which one do you have more allegiance to, your spouse or your child?

With me it flip flops. Never get in the middle of my child and me. I'm a momma bear and will tear you limb from limb.

But it's not my place in life to please my child all the time. My loyalty is to my spouse. I knew one day my daughter would be leaving to pursue her life. And she did. But my husband remains, and I love growing old with him.

I am closer to my parents than I have ever been, and I would do anything for them. But my marriage is truly sacred to us, and we know the limits to which we can stretch it before we are snapped back. And we've always snapped back.

 

[Tight_N_Juicy]

Umm, neither?

Ideally the folks in my love bubble respect me as an autonomous being enough not to pull "prove you live me" bullshit.

Triage all conflict. Who needs my attention vs who wants my attention. Need wins out.

ETA: grumpery cuz grumpy

Folks need to do a powerful amount of growing the fuck up and removal of heads from asses. There is no comes first, there is mutual support and love. Once you join a pack, the over all well being of the pack is what rules the day. Calling dibs or playing miser with affection is ultimately manipulative. It's cruel even.

Like, in what situations are you feeling second place?

Were you aware of ya lady friend's priority/relationship to her family?

This.

I don't automatically "side" with anyone because of my relationship to them. I side with whoever is right, and if there is no "right/wrong" I don't side with anyone at all.

 

[Scarletbegonia]

This.

I don't automatically "side" with anyone because of my relationship to them. I side with whoever is right, and if there is no "right/wrong" I don't side with anyone at all.

even with just being there, I’m looking at who needs me more, and which I need (for myself) to be physically present for.
If it’s simply a matter of taking turns for, say, going out, usually what my partner is going to want to do is different than my kiddo or friends will want to do.
But we’d all hike together.
it isn’t always either or. As long as I get private time with each family member at some point, well, it’s all good.

 

[Tight_N_Juicy]

Hello, i'd like to ask this question directly to married woman or in a serious long term relationship. i've had this problem at home where i feel that her family comes first very time something comes up. i've always said to her that she always comes first because she is my new family and i dont feel the same from her. am i right? am i wrong? to you who comes first?

I wanna ask, what if the roles were reversed and she was insisting SHE always come before YOUR family?

 

[Scarletbegonia]

I wanna ask, what if the roles were reversed and she was insisting SHE always come before YOUR family?

I’m betting that since we didn’t all say the wife is wrong, the OP won’t reply.

 

[scarymovie3]

I’m betting that since we didn’t all say the wife is wrong, the OP won’t reply.

She is always first, she comes first after my own family, always because she is my new family, for me marriage is a team to build a life together. we dont have kids yet, this is not about kids, its about parents.

 

[Mittimer]

My husband and I work together to make choices that will effect us both. We agree on them or compromise on some fashion. Our families collectively are important though we do everything in our power to help either side when necessary. Choices are simply always made together for things that will ultimately will be of some consequence to both of us in the end. Nobody comes first or last. It's not a grading scale of who is more or less important.

I'm not sure I understand the issue with your parter. Is the help she's providing her family hurting you or your relationship? Is it taking things away you need? What is the actual issue?

 

[Tight_N_Juicy]

She is always first, she comes first after my own family, always because she is my new family, for me marriage is a team to build a life together. we dont have kids yet, this is not about kids, its about parents.

Then you may not have the healthiest relationship with her or your family.

Compromise is a key factor in ANY relationship, not just marriage. If you literally always put her before your own family just because she lets you put your penis inside her I wouldn't call that an ideal situation.

No one asked about kids.

 

[Tight_N_Juicy]

If my guy ignored his mom because he thought I needed the attention before her I'd kick his ass.

 

[Mittimer]

If my guy ignored his mom because he thought I needed the attention before her I'd kick his ass.

Me too. I love his family, hell, even if I didn't and they needed him, I'd give him a mental flogging for being a dick to his fam. Especially if it's unwarranted or because he thinks I need more attention.

 

[Scarletbegonia]

She is always first, she comes first after my own family, always because she is my new family, for me marriage is a team to build a life together. we dont have kids yet, this is not about kids, its about parents.

“She comes first after my own family.“
Check yourself.
You are complaining that she ranks family of origin as you do.

these questions are still unanswered:
Now, is family geographically close? Are they visiting often, dropping by with little lead time?
Or do you have foreknowledge?

is this physical or mental demand of your wife?
How does her attention to family take from you?
Did you know she was connected to family?
Why do you see love as finite and a zero sum game?

 

[Scarletbegonia]

What’s the social expectation in your region?

 

[deleted924715]

Honestly, personally, I don't need a million rules and contributing factors. At its core, for me, it's like the housework thread. It's about consideration for the other person. Yeah, my dad can be a dick after he's had a drink. Bite your tongue for me. I'll do the same when your mum gives the kid soda instead of water and says "don't tell your mum".

Tolerate them because *I* love them and don't look for reasons or try to provoke situations to pit me against them. If nothing else, that lack of consideration for my feelings will be a nail in the coffin.

The same way I'm not going to end a relationship because he leaves a dish right fucking next to the dishwasher rather than putting it in or a towel on the bathroom floor expecting the cleaning fairies to pick it up... A cumulative lack of consideration for the fact that all of these things add to my workload, is something I *would* end a relationship over.

Maybe you two have different ideas about what having each others backs means.

 

[scarymovie3]

before the pandemic her mother used to visit often, she gets my wife upset telling her bs like, this thing is ugly get rid of it, you should buy this instead.., you are too fat, she fights a lot with her mother and sister and when my wife is upset I have to deal with that. Now her sister used to come and get into my kitchen, eat my stuff without even asking, it upsets me because when i go to visit them or anyone else, im not gonna go open the fridge and eat whatever i want without asking. we have our bedroom bathroom and the living room restroom. they go into my batroom instead of using the livingroom restroom.... thats just one thing about all this topic, just wanted to know how about others.

 

[Mittimer]

One, anyone who enters my home is free to eat or drink whatever they want. My only rule is let me know if it's the last of it so I can replace it. Literally anyone. I was raised to be generous. My grandma would rise from the dead and kick my ass if I felt as you did for others consuming food in my home.

Two, her relationship with her mom is hers. It's her choice to keep the relationship maintained, deal with the anger etc . Not yours . You can't change that. You can't control how she acts with her mom. You don't "have to deal with it". She's upset, if her being upset means that she talks to you, then it's not doing a damn thing to you other than making you listen. If she's being aggressive or taking the anger out on you, then tell her not to. It's that simple.

Also, it's just a damn bathroom. How is ANY of this her choosing her family over you? You don't like her family, clearly. Talk about this to her without mincing words and compromise. Don't control.

All that being said, her relationship with her family was WELL established prior to you getting married. It doesn't change simply because she had a little document that legally binds you both now. That document is just that, a piece of paper that means you can file taxes together, share insurance, sit in each other's hospital etc. Nothing in it means she chooses you over them.