Wondering

[txquis]

I am amazed at how many of us have had a similar bad experience in our youth.
It is too bad so many good people have to deal with this challenge, but...in my case, i got it out in the open...
i dealt with it and moved on.
Therapy helps, trust me on this.

 

[Lex]

Damn man. I was abused by an older cousin when I was about 12.
I recently tried therapy and accupuncture and have found both to be extremely helpful.

And here's another thing--just b/c you are a gay Black male doesn't mean you have to partner with a gay black male. Personally, I tend toward white musclebear types myself.

 

[jonb]

Originally posted by txquis@Feb 26 2005, 03:07 PM
I am amazed at how many of us have had a similar bad experience in our youth.

[post=286723]Quoted post[/post]​

Don't be so surprised. The rapist primarily does it because he wants sex, no matter his partner. Children (male or female) make easy targets because

1. Children are easy to overpower.
2. Children can be intimidated into silence.
3. If you know the parents well, they most likely won't believe the children anyway.

 

[B_DoubleMeatWhopper]

Originally posted by jonb@Feb 27 2005, 08:27 PM
The rapist primarily does it because he wants sex, no matter his partner.

The prevailing theory is that rape is not about sex, but about power. Rapists use sex because it humiliates and violates their victims, not because they want to blow a load. Rape is a hate crime.

 

[jonb]

Actually, most rape is date rape. There's typically some violence involved, of course, but rape itself just means one partner said no.

Male victims can typically be more about domination, of course. Hence Abu Ghraib.

 

[madame_zora]

Originally posted by taven@Jan 26 2005, 10:46 PM
I was raped when I was about 4 yrs. old. There was bleeding and panic on my part that I would be found out, but I managed to keep it hidden. The kid who did it died in his late teens. I think this means his statute of limitations has expired. Actually, it had little to do with my sexuality as I grew up, but I was always insecure and afraid of total rejection by my family if they found out. What I did end up believing also was that God knew, and I was permanently unacceptable. This attitude probably also contributed to my being shy for too many years and my current ability to blow up if people piss me off now.

[post=277719]Quoted post[/post]​

Taven,

I haven't been online much in the last month, but I am now and I saw your request for comment here today, so here goes. What you have experienced is a horror that as many as one out of three people get to experience. It is our society's most secret shame, and often religion does little or nothing to help. More often than not, it is covered up for religious reasons, or fear of not being acceptable to God. This is a completely absurd idea! Even if you think of God in very simplistic human terms, "perfect father" paints a fairly clear image. Even an okay parent would comfort their child after such an event, a parent that would reject their own child based of being the victim of a crime would be abhorent indeed, even by human standards. I find no reason to believe God would do any less!

Being shy, blowing up too easily, feeling insecure in general about being worthy of love- these are classic symptoms we expereince after rape and the subsequent hiding we feel we must do to fit neatly into society again. Funny thing was, the more vocal I became, the more people I found who were in my same situation, and we were able to help talk each other through the traumas we thought we'd never share with anyone. Now I will tell a casual stranger the most intimate details of anything I've experienced, because it just doesn't haunt me anymore. I am so relieved to be able to say that, I can't tell you. Being honest with yourself is of tremendous importance, so your recovery starts with you admitting to yourself (as it seems you have) exactly how much this has impacted you, and in what ways. Talk often about it to anyone who will listen, but reject the opinions of anyone who seems to be saying you had any responsibility in it at all, children NEVER ask for it!

You may find that in the long run, having experienced something so horrible will make you a more compassionate person toward others, I hope so. I believe in some sort of organised chaos in the world, and that I survived some of the things I have to carry the message to anyone who needs to hear it- Yes, you can get through this and lead a productive life! You had no choice about what happened to you, but you have every decision in how you choose to look at it in retrospect.
Feel free to pm me if you'd prefer to talk privately, but good luck with everything. Jana

 

[Kimahri]

My experience has made me a lot more understanding towards those in similiar ones or are risk for the same thing to happen to them.

The only true problem with it comes in the fact that I'm so hard to handle / approach sometimes that people make mistakes and don't even realize they did until I'm giving them the "death stare" like I did my partner yesterday.

 

[taven]

Mme. Z,
As usual, your comments are thoughtful and helpful. I'm glad you're back because I really enjoy what you have to say. (Maybe I should also say I can't remember disagreeing with what you say.) Anyway, I've worked through a lot of my feelings on the situation, but some reflex reactions still erupt first. At least I know why and deal with it all better than when I was younger.

 

[jonb]

Yeah, the idea that God would reject you for being raped is no better than the "honor killings" so common in countries like Pakistan and Saudi Arabia, where girls who have sex before they're married are killed unless four Muslim men speak up as witnesses.

I'm so glad I'm not a Christian.

 

[madame_zora]

Yeah, the churches often do little to help the disenfranchised, but many individual Christians are very good people who will listen with concern and love. It is important to differentiate the two, I have been guilty in the past of throwing them all into a lump, which is completely unfair.

I love it when a support group, like this, can step up to the plate and become what it was intended. You guys all make me smile so much!

 

[naughty]

Oh Taven,

The victim is not to blame, it is the perpertrator. God, or at least the one I pray to, is a just God who would not condemn you for being raped. It is the hubris and selfishness of men who come up with insanity like that.I and a number of the menbers on this site can attest to it. Rape can happen to anyone, anywhere and anytime. As was written in the Psalms... "you are fearfully and wonderfully made.... "

Naughty