Originally posted by taven@Jan 26 2005, 10:46 PM
I was raped when I was about 4 yrs. old. There was bleeding and panic on my part that I would be found out, but I managed to keep it hidden. The kid who did it died in his late teens. I think this means his statute of limitations has expired. Actually, it had little to do with my sexuality as I grew up, but I was always insecure and afraid of total rejection by my family if they found out. What I did end up believing also was that God knew, and I was permanently unacceptable. This attitude probably also contributed to my being shy for too many years and my current ability to blow up if people piss me off now.
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Taven,
I haven't been online much in the last month, but I am now and I saw your request for comment here today, so here goes. What you have experienced is a horror that as many as one out of three people get to experience. It is our society's most secret shame, and often religion does little or nothing to help. More often than not, it is covered up for religious reasons, or fear of not being acceptable to God. This is a completely absurd idea! Even if you think of God in very simplistic human terms, "perfect father" paints a fairly clear image. Even an okay parent would comfort their child after such an event, a parent that would reject their own child based of being the victim of a crime would be abhorent indeed, even by human standards. I find no reason to believe God would do any less!
Being shy, blowing up too easily, feeling insecure in general about being worthy of love- these are classic symptoms we expereince after rape and the subsequent hiding we feel we must do to fit neatly into society again. Funny thing was, the more vocal I became, the more people I found who were in my same situation, and we were able to help talk each other through the traumas we thought we'd never share with anyone. Now I will tell a casual stranger the most intimate details of anything I've experienced, because it just doesn't haunt me anymore. I am so relieved to be able to say that, I can't tell you. Being honest with yourself is of tremendous importance, so your recovery starts with you admitting to yourself (as it seems you have) exactly how much this has impacted you, and in what ways. Talk often about it to anyone who will listen, but reject the opinions of anyone who seems to be saying you had any responsibility in it at all, children NEVER ask for it!
You may find that in the long run, having experienced something so horrible will make you a more compassionate person toward others, I hope so. I believe in some sort of organised chaos in the world, and that I survived some of the things I have to carry the message to anyone who needs to hear it- Yes, you can get through this and lead a productive life! You had no choice about what happened to you, but you have every decision in how you choose to look at it in retrospect.
Feel free to pm me if you'd prefer to talk privately, but good luck with everything. Jana