Yet Another "What do I do?" Threads

Passion4Oldies

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Hey Everyone;

I don't post all that often on here.. mostly read some posts and stay in the background. However, some things have been going on that I could use some alternate opinions on..

I know I am aroused by men, and up until recently, I had only hooked up with some friends and random people (I know, bad idea, but that's all done with.) One night back in June (June 29,) I was lonely and went onto a gay chat website. Started talking with this one guy (we'll call him Jared,) and we really hit it off. After several hours of conversation, I asked him if he would be interested in talking tomorrow or something (I felt a really strange connection with him because we talked about a lot of stuff and he was very open.) He was a little weary, since he has a young son and had a bad breakup a little over a year ago, but his story really attracted me. Long story short, we have been talking every night and we are currently in a long distance relationship (he lives in TX, and I live in CA.)

For the most part, we do a great job communicating. We talk any where from 2 - 6 hours per night, text all day long, and absolutely keep things "real." We dream of a future together with his son and him and I. We planned on meeting in January, but due to a family trip, we are thinking March might be easier.

Here's the thing.. we are totally in love with each other and honest about that, but a few weeks ago he was having some friends over at his house for a party, and one of his friends was drunk and came out to him. This inspired him to tell his best friend (Jared's best friend) that he was bisexual and in a relationship with a man (which would be a shocker.) When he went to bring it up, he wimped out and ended up changing the story to something else.. and he got through it. We talked this morning on his way to work, and I asked him what the plan was for coming out to friends and family. I asked if we would start coming out slowly once we meet in March, or would we wait? And that was when he told me how that encounter with almost coming out effected him. He said is friend kind of freaked out when Jared hypothetically asked what he would think if he was gay. So anyways, this morning he told me that since that has happened, he has almost broken up with me because of that reaction, and that he has kept it from me so I don't freak out, and because he wants to deal with it on his own.

The relationship works right now because we are so far away, and we both have another year of school after this, so we have time to work everything out. So there really isn't any pressure, and I should not have brought it up, but I have a way of bringing up hard topics at the wrong times.

As I'm writing this, I feel that I may have come to a conclusion... (oh, we were both raised in Christian families, and it would not be too supported by our families.) It has taken me many years to come to terms with it myself - even though I started hooking up in community college a few years ago, I have always known that I have been attracted to men, but that I did not ever believe I could fall in love with one so completely. My guess is, is that he is going through this self-acceptance/hate in the midst of a relationship, and just needs time to figure himself out. Fortunately, I am willing to wait and help him through things, since I'm so completely in love, and just want him to be happy.

Another thing that kind of worries me is his "situation." He was with the mother of his child for 6 years before she cheated on him several times, and even had a child with his cousin. They were engaged to be married, and then he learned the child was not his, and they broke up and they are just now trying to work things out (at my encouragement.) Along with this, earlier this year in March, he suffered a severe concussion, and people have reported his attitudes and moods changing because of it (this is also around the time he started thinking some men were attractive, and then we found each other online in June.)

What I don't want is him to talk himself into anything - he says (and I believe) that he is completely in love with me and wants to spend the rest of our lives together raising our son and other kids. But the pessimist inside of me wonders if he is just so deeply hurt by his ex that he is looking to a man for comfort; or the concussion may have something to do with it; or that maybe he isn't bi, but having someone to talk to and love and care about helps him get through things.. I don't know.

We we have phone sex, he has no problem getting it up and playing along and having an orgasm (and neither do I) - and we get off a couple times per week together, and it's not like we are in it for the sex.. ha! If anything, we are in it for the emotional connection and being in love with each other.

Any way, I don't really know what I'm asking or looking for by writing this post - I love him completely and I just have a feeling in my stomach that things will work out and we are meant to be, but I want to know how I can help him understand and accept himself (regardless of my place in his future.)

I just want him to be happy.. even if that means we have to break up and he can go live a different life.

Thanks guys.

BTW, I am 23 and he is 22.
 

Lancered

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Hi,
This is not easy. I hear you say and believe that now you love unconditionally, and regardless of where tthe relationship ends up you want him to be happy. If that remains the case, and I hope it does, then you are more balanced than anyone I know. Unfortunately, bitterness and resentment get in the way and we feels that the other person is doing okay (even though it may only appear so) and we are on our own.

In the end all you can do is support him as best you can accross that distance between the two fo you. He will in time reach a place where he can accept what and who he is. It will happen faster if you are there to support him especially as his ex may well try and get the son to hate him for being "abnormal". Yes even in this day and age, I hear a lot of that kind of talk!!

I hope it works out for both of you and that in ten yeras time, even if you are not together, you can both look back at the great times you had remembering them with fondness and love.

All the best.
 

hypolimnas

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I think that for some reason you have put your life on hold. Time to be realistic about your needs and life goals. His happiness is not up to you but yours is.
 

Passion4Oldies

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Thank you both for your responses!

Lancered: I do love him unconditionally.. the relationship has not been easy, but what real relationship is? We have so many common dreams and ideas and goals for our lives, and isn't that what a relationship is sustained by? We dream about building a house, and having our family, working out things with school and vacations and, just everything under the sun - it's really incredible. I do want him to be happy, because I don't want to live with the doubt that he might suddenly "realize" that he is not gay and should not be with a man (due to his own sexuality, not due to his own, his friends' or his family's preconceived notions of what is "normal.") What happened this morning was me just being excited, I guess.

hypolimnas: I don't know what gave you this impression that I am putting my life on hold... if things don't work out between He and I, I will have to mourn, move on, and continue living life. The only thing I have "put on hold" is my desire to have sex.. and that is satiated (At the moment) by us jerking off and using toys and what not to make it interesting and enthralling (and quite intense!) I am happy - believe me.. I haven't ever been happier. But with happiness comes responsibility.. and refuse to be responsible for confusing him or making his life more difficult than it should be. So you're right, neither of us are "responsible" for each other's happiness, yet we both do things to make each other happy. We both do things to show our love and dedication to one another. I am being realistic - I love him. I have not sacrificed anything (except some sleep due to talking so much) to be with him, and I have learned so much being with him.

I appreciate both or your responses.. and I hope other people with their own experiences or opinions.

Thanks guys.. =D
 

DavidXL

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Whenever I read stories about people who have a lot of emotional investment (e.g., planning a future together) in someone they've never met in person, I think of those "catfishing" stories you see on TV. I hope you are protecting your own feelings.

March is a long way off. How about if you make arrangments to meet in person before then. Texas to California can be a day trip or maybe you can hop on Southwest flight and meet in Phoenix or Tucson or somewhere else in the middle for a day trip or an overnight?
 

Passion4Oldies

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DavidXL, thanks for your response! I think at this point, I dont have much left to protect (how foolish of me.) I do really like your idea to travel out there for the day.. It would be expensive (a little under $300), but even if I flew in in the morning and left later in the evening, even that one day would be worth it, and remove any uncertainty and help solidify our relationship. I will run that by him (much easier for me to get away for the day than it would be for him to do so.

Thanks!!
 

DavidXL

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DavidXL, thanks for your response! I think at this point, I dont have much left to protect (how foolish of me.) I do really like your idea to travel out there for the day.. It would be expensive (a little under $300), but even if I flew in in the morning and left later in the evening, even that one day would be worth it, and remove any uncertainty and help solidify our relationship. I will run that by him (much easier for me to get away for the day than it would be for him to do so.

Thanks!!

Good luck, and let us know what happens!
 

hrdhatdad

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I think that you need to be a bit more realistic. Although nice, what you have described is the beginning of a possible relationship. Why put the cart before the horse? You seem to be theorizing about possible barriers that don't actually exist yet.